A Christian Metalhead's Journey in the Desert

so much Gift!

2012-01-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking the other day, what was the most important thing I learned last year? It was from my first weekend out during rehab, it was Christmas last year and I had my first slip. I just couldn't resist the fact I still had enough to roll a tiny joint in my desk so I went out and smoked it and immediately God started talking to me and said, "Do you know why mind-altering drugs aren't good for you on a near-constant basis? Because every moment is a gift from Me." And this includes the hard times that I prefer to avoid with drugs because even those moments are good for you and shape your character. But it's been a hard lesson to learn and let sink in since I'm so used to just avoiding pain and life in general.

Today I finally sat down and had real one-on-one time with God which I haven't done in a while with the paradoxical craziness of the holidays. What finally gave me the push was the realization of the fact that I need His love to do anything positive and it was wonderful. It felt similar to being with my lovable nutcase in the sense that I was with Someone I really wanted to be with and He wanted to be with me too. I immediately felt warm and peaceful inside with a sensation of being re-energized inside. And I just got to enjoy His presence and chat with Him. He essentially told me to stop being about desires (especially desiring to do the right thing) and just receive His love. Giving love is about action but receiving it is only about staying still and opening up. And to be healthy (especially spiritually) you need to be able to do both. If you're bad at one of them, you're bad at the other as well. Even with the lovable nut I have a hard time accepting everything loving he says to me, like it's all too good to be true and I don't deserve it all. So no wonder I also have a hard time accepting God's even purer love. So basically God told me to continue working on my issues so that I can accept Him fully into my life. I tried to ask Him to do it for me but I see that it is my part of the co-labouring that I must bear or else He would be stepping on my freedoms if He did do it for me. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do or attempt but He has promised to be with me the whole way and always help.

back from kinda sober NB

2012-01-04T11:14:00.000-08:00

Discounting the fact I drank a bit everyday, I survived a mostly clean 5 day family vacation. It was a huge fight in my head but I decided not to try to bring anything and really not smoke and see what it would be like and maybe I could continue it when I got back. Well, it went alright but some of it really felt like rehab and no, I couldn't continue it when I got back. Overall it was a relaxing and fun time with my relatives who have a similar sense of humour but the mornings were hard. First off, the nights would always bring using dreams where I'm trying to or am smoking or taking something. Then I would wake up craving whatever I was dreaming about and feel generally ill without it. I'd feel too much energy and anxiety and some nausea every morning. I also got body aches, some shakes and sluggishness. Psychologically I was anxious and depressed but as the day wore on it would get better since my mind would be distracted from myself. One thing it made me realize was how strongly my brain depends on the powder too now. Even when I got back and smoked, I still had using dreams about making lines until I really had some. Yikes. So now I'm trying to cut back on that and stick more to smoking only. Sigh, I can't believe how much this has become my thing or vice. Before, it used to be a bunch of things like cutting myself, shopping and buying stuff on ebay, always having boyfriends etc... but now it's all been conglomerated into just drugs. I don't cut anymore and I hardly went shopping for myself this year or last and I only just got a new boyfriend after being single for a while. I wonder if having a boyfriend whose condition means he can't smoke or use anything anymore will help me. Before, he was making things worse since he would smoke with me all the time but now he's on meds that don't mix well with any drugs so he only has cigarettes now and so far I am smoking a bit less than before.

As I Die is the latest tab I'll work on

2011-12-23T21:10:00.000-08:00

As I Die will be tabbed by me starting when I get back from New Brunswick! Yes, that song must be tabbed soon!

holidays

2011-12-23T20:16:00.000-08:00

I loooove Christmas lights so I'm really enjoying them in my postcard worthy suburban neighborhood. A cousin from Korea was enchanted by them one year and described my neighborhood as a perfect set from Hollywood. Yeah I still live in my childhood neighborhood at 25. But it's because I've only had 2 years to deal with big trauma in my life. I know I'll be a productive individual on my own someday soonish with the help of God and therapy. I know God has plans for me. I have enough belief that I'm less suicidal now. I just get overwhelmed sometimes instead of being constantly clinically depressed. I think I'm done all my Christmas shopping now. It felt like alot even though I shopped for only 3 people. I got my lovable nut a sweater and an edition of popular mechanics. His next project is to build a satellite. I hope it's not all just crazy mumbo-jumbo but I'm not sure... I got my dad lots of clothing since he hates to shop and without my mom his wardrobe is getting really worn out. Poor stressed out dad who has to support us still... And I got bath stuff for our family friend who cooks for us and whom I consider like a second mother. I hope my dad is warming up to her more, I wish they would get together. Oh crap I forgot a card for her, I knew I forgot something...
Anyways it looks like I'll be having a good time, with my nutcase's family tomorrow for a family dinner and then the next day it will be my dad's b-day and Christmas at a family friends' place. Yay weight gain!
Oh by the way, some good news is that my ever-watchful and sympathetic and patient and Godly brother says good on me for holding back and not consuming too much though it is everyday... We'll be going to New Brunswick for a few days so I can get more sober then and really cut down for real as we visit family.

falling?

2011-12-15T09:22:00.000-08:00

I'm spending more and more time being buzzed. Finding it hard to keep doing things like pray and volunteer and paint or play music... these are bad signs I guess. But I'm getting worn out and finding it harder and harder to stop myself from falling into the same damned trap again. Help me God help me. I'm trying but it's not enough, why is it never enough...

special person

2011-12-15T08:36:00.000-08:00

Ok so this is why I haven't been writing as much recently, I've met someone I call my lovable nutcase. We have so much fun together and he's extremely intelligent, a computer whiz, an amazing drummer, an incredibly sweet person, so honest, has stunning long wavy hair, good looks, passionate and suffers from schizophrenia. We've both fallen hard and fast but at the same time we haven't been exactly good for each other it seems. I thought, ah I finally found someone to lose myself with but lost we did get. He's now in the midst of a psychotic episode at the Douglas mental hospital and I've started smoking everyday and finding it hard to cut back. I don't know what will happen. For now I just visit him almost everyday, sometimes chat with his family who also come to visit. He has such elaborate stories in his head that he just can't discount as too crazy to be real. It's like his far-reaching intelligence and imagination are in overdrive and the ability to tell dreams from reality is malfunctioning. He believes he's caught up in conspiracies with the CIA and that people are out to get him and have stolen some of his organs and that he has other selves who can time travel etc... He's definitely out there. He was with me when he got suddenly worse, and when he insisted I should leave while he tried to catch a 'poisonous spider' he started crying when I was about to leave. I said, "why are you crying?" and he said "Because this is probably the last time we'll ever see each other since I'm gonna die. Whatever happens it's important that you know that I think you're an amazing person and I'll always remember the good times we had." My reaction (in my head) "AWWWWWwwww!" Wow he really thinks he's gonna die and I'm that important to him?? So this is the story that prompted my brother to say I have a lovable nutcase. Now he's safely at the hospital but he still worries that he will die soon. Hopefully the new meds will help.

alone in the evening

2011-12-07T14:59:00.001-08:00

I tried to avoid it by making plans with people but they didn't work out so here I am completely alone for several hours this evening and it sucks. I sang and played music which was good, then I tried to paint but felt too anxious so that wasn't so good. Evenings alone are really hard for me. I prayed to God for comfort and guidance and took a short nap, meditating on His love at the same time. All these things helped a bit but I still feel full of fear and worry that I'm not living properly, that I might be getting worse and that all my positive efforts are doomed to fail. Am I taking care of everything that I'm supposed to take care of? Am I forgetting something? Meanwhile, the person who usually calls me everyday and prays for me has suddenly stopped and I don't know why. I haven't seen L in forever so I don't know how she's doing either and my hope in spiritual healing has been deeply shaken because the pastor I trust for it has recently found out she has thyroid cancer. Of course this triggers emotions in me relating to my mom's lethal cancer and so I just want to avoid her so how can I be healed through her? Also, I've been smoking up more and more but I will throw myself back in rehab if I start waking and baking. Also, I've been spending alot of time with a special person who makes me forget to eat and take my meds regularly which has affected me too. I guess the problem is I am too full of too many concerns. Lord take them away from me, help me to trust You more and more with everything. And don't let me just run away to a pleasurable bliss from my concerns either. I don't want to live my life just running away all the time. Well of course part of me does but I know that would just be such a tragic waste. I just hope I'm not falling into depression again or something like that.

new therapy group

2011-12-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

Exactly when I finished the 3 month DBT program at the Royal Vic my old psychologist has started a stabilization therapy group which is mostly about goals for people with BPD. He thought I should be in it so I went to the first one this morning. It was ok I guess. You could tell who was managing better and who wasn't. The one guy in the group seems to be doing the worst. He's suicidal, in the psych ward currently and hears things when his anxiety is too high. But he's in group and talking about himself freely so that's a good sign. There's one or two who are polite but don't seem as open with themselves. They will probably not get much from the group unless they open up more. I feel like a veteran of group therapy now. I did alot in rehab, some more out-patient drug treatment groups, the DBT and now this one. Well the great thing is that they really do help. They don't solve everything but they give you help, support and tools to deal with life. Seeing as I didn't get much of that when I grew up, I want and need it to learn how to live without driving myself crazy.
But I guess talking in group opened up the deeper parts of my heart because when I got home I took a nap and had an intense dream. I dreamed someone had lost someone close to them, like a parent or other family member and decided to do something in their memory. I can't remember what it was they did to commemorate the person but I do remember feeling guilty and saying, "I wish I did something so nice for my mom's memory." In real life I have felt this way and thought of walking in her memory at one of those cancer walks or something but could never bring myself to do it. And my dream demonstrated why this is so because as soon as I started thinking of her memory I felt a sudden and huge rage. My mind was seeing me at a tombstone for her, swearing at it and full of bitter anger and outrage. When I woke up I was surprised there was so much anger in me and wonder if it's real and been bottled up forever, only seeping out now.

trying again

2011-11-22T13:04:00.000-08:00

Starting today I am going to try to pray every morning and not just before-I-eat sort of thing. At my last session of individual DBT I will show my record to the therapist to check if I keep it up. Which is next week! Ugh that makes me sad. But I feel I have some new resolve which is good. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by drug use and it's been accelerating when I'm trying to cut down at the same time. Nothing crazy out of control but still not the desired result. I'm still better than before my last treatment so I'm gonna stick to volunteering and trying out the skills from DBT more often instead of automatically turning to drugs when I'm upset or stressed. And register for a french course which is my next step. No matter how anxiety-inducing it is I've got to put myself out there and at least start going back to school slowly. God wants me to be a productive member of society I'm sure and I can't sit on my ass forever. But through all of this I have to remember that I am not saved by my actions or merits but through dependence on Jesus Christ. If I don't remember this I'll run myself into the ground trying to be perfectionist and accomplished and get crushed under my own expectations.

woo

2011-11-09T14:06:00.000-08:00

Went zonkas. With animated 3D clouds, so much good music I never heard before from my head, arguing and yelling with myself in my head, seeing doubles and patterns like a kaleidoscope, pictures moving like in Harry Potter, seeing so many implausible scenarios behind reality playing like movies, feeling alert but slow at the same time and anything can happen because everything's random.

magic dreaming

2011-11-08T11:01:00.000-08:00

I've been doing this lately since I started buying it again but only in small quantities and not everyday. I suddenly heard Sleep to Dream Her by Dave Matthews Band in my head and instantly craved listening to it on the computer and then close my tired dry eyes and see the crazy dreams going on constantly in my head. It's like a weird music video to the song as I sometimes see the band members performing but it's also really random and life-like at the same time. There's random colours, stars, a lake, clouds, random people etc and everything moves. There's sometimes stories like short films that go on always with an air of mystery. And all throughout is a satisfying thrill that puts a permanent smile on your face. Everything feels so good, especially listening to music and eating. And seeing the dying sunlight and watch the moon and stars come up. And some visions are so engaging I get lost in them for a little bit. I drop into surreality where I have special creator powers but still anything can and does happen. Then I eventually float back down to earthly reality where I'm usually left tired and worn out.

He's carrying me

2011-11-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

I had a sort of productive but depressing stressful day and I'm ashamed to say it was mostly because of unexpected traffic in my area when I was trying to go grocery shopping. Yeah stupid little shit like that sometimes gets me going too much and I stressed my family friend who was with me too. When we finally got home and put all the groceries away, I still felt grumpy and dark and empty inside. And I fell into despair about life and how I just don't deal with it very well. I felt pretty tortured for a few hours until I realized I hadn't prayed yet today. Ah my one source of light and salvation! I remembered, try as I might, I am still hopeless and dead meat without Jesus. I prayed and just rested in God's love and I had the vision again where I'm curled up in God's hand and He's carrying me through the deadly desert. I can feel the comfort and strength of His hand and can see the barren landscape moving beneath me as He carries me forward on this plane of existence. So I give thanks to God, because no matter how bad it gets, it would be even worse without Him. Now if only I could remember this fact all the time and be constantly aware of His benevolent presence!

how L is doing

2011-10-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

So I got a chance to talk to L at my friend's house but it didn't go quite the way I expected. The good news is that she's trying. She doesn't want to die and is in fact scared of it. She appreciated my insightful words and now we're good friends. I call her almost everyday to see how she's doing and just share. But boy did my other friend get in the way that night! He decided to get drunk, then stoned then high on blow and got so chatty and kept interrupting me and yelling things like "I'm gonna put your head in a lock and force feed you a turkey!" to L. I had to restrain myself I was getting angry and frustrated but it's ok since I've had more time with her without him around (I was stoned and high too). Even though she's not sure she believes, she actually asked me to come to small group and church! She came to both each once now and she loved it! I'm so happy she can meet nice people who can care for her. She told me she was completely isolated from everyone, stuck in a depression and believing everyone is dangerous. But in group she became very chatty and people enjoyed talking with her just as much as she did with them. She felt that they were very good people and wants to come back! I'm just happy she can get prayed for now and won't feel that no one would care if she died which is what she told me earlier. The not so great news is that she's around 85 pounds and only eats 300 calories in vegetables a day. She thinks it's enough and in fact sees nothing but fat in the mirror. I told her we can help each other out and keep each other company in our dark times that we're both having. And hopefully we can both face our past pain and get healed by God and live free and happy.

just gotta face it

2011-10-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm tired of self-destructing. Whether in a slow or fast fashion it's a real drag. And I hope I don't wait till I hit another rock bottom to do something about it. I just gotta face my fears, but that's the problem. I'm so friggin scared. But I commit to meeting with my pastor and a couple trusted individuals and opening up about my past hurts to receive healing from God. I've just got to do it even though my whole emotional being says NOOOOO. I don't want to be shackled to the past forever. I don't want to keep suffering every time something reminds me of my childhood and I want to be done with grieving already. And I'm getting sick of blasting my mind all the time to avoid the massive weight on my shoulders. I've got to surrender it to Jesus and be free to move on with life. But I'm so scared to do it. Why? Because I'm a spoiled brat who doesn't want to face the music, it looks like. So what can I do about it? I'm honestly at a loss except to pray about it. I'm sorry God, for being such a stupid selfish brat. I know what's best for me now but I still won't do it. I can't believe how frustrating this is. What if I end up like my dead addicted friend? Jesus save me from myself. Even though I don't believe I deserve to live I know You want me to be more than I am now. Sometimes I really just want to die but I know You don't want me to. Why does everything have to be so hard and contradictory? I just want peace.

volunteering now

2011-10-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

I've finally started volunteering at my friend's work once a week. It's at an activities centre for adults with physical disabilities, mostly cerebral palsy. It's often tricky to communicate since they can't move their mouths well but they are intellectually the same as anyone else. It must be so difficult to be trapped in a body that won't listen to you. So I do what I can to make their day more enjoyable and it feels good to be somewhat useful and helpful. I honestly feel that I benefit more than them by being there. It gives me something to be proud of, instead of always being the mentally ill drug addict. It brings me closer to my true identity of being a child of God who is loved by Jesus and wants to share that love with others. It's one baby step closer to my future as someone who follows Jesus' selfless ways. I just pray that I stick to it. It's been 3 weeks and so far so good. I just chat with the clients, sometimes help them with art activities or just watch what's going on. I can handle that.

what do you do?!

2011-10-21T20:03:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you see someone slowly dying in front of your eyes because they are in complete, hopeless despair and don't want to live anymore? My good friend who passed away almost exactly a year ago was the one in despair and slowly killing himself with drugs. Me and mutual friends tried to talk to him, told him rehab could really help. His mom still cries to me when she talks about all the ER visits and trips to doctors to get him help but he always refused it and since he was considered of sound mind, she couldn't do anything about it since he still had his right to say no. We did our best but he would always turn the tables around and say, "well what about you?" when we suggested rehab and that would always shut us up. It still makes me guilty to know I was always too high and in despair myself to really help him. And now he's gone, he just didn't wake up one day. Now I mention all this because there is another mutual friend from the psych ward who I'll call L and she's diagnosed with borderline personality disorder like me. But where my main BPD problem is substance abuse, hers is anorexia and she's literally starving herself to death. She actually went down to 61 lbs had seizures, had cardiac arrest twice in the ambulance and stayed in the ICU for at least 2 weeks. She has a cute little son and she doesn't want to live. It's like watching my old friend die all over again. So I scream again, "WHAT DO YOU DO?! when you witness someone going through this deadly hopeless destructive despair?? Have a glass of mead, ok just partially kidding. These people need help but they refuse it. But it's still such a tragedy when they lose their lives. It's a symptom of their issues that they refuse. I can't just stand by idly as they march towards their untimely deaths in front of my eyes. I don't know her that well but I've got to do something. At least try my best to reach out to her, tell her it will get better or something. Bring hope. I used to think hope was just a trivial concept from Disney movies but that's not true at all. In these cases it makes the difference between life and death. The only reason I'm alive today after all I've been through and all the terrible hopeless despair I felt is my faith in Jesus. He always gave me hope that things would get better, at least in heaven if not here. Anyways, that's my goal. I'm gonna try to get some private chat time with her and try to give her some hope. And pray. And that's the best I can do.

but scared shitless

2011-10-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

Alas I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of my pain and let God heal me. Doesn't that sound so freakin' stupid?? Here's the solution, the one thing that will make your life infinitely better and I'm insanely scared of it. The therapists from the DBT group are so right. Pain has become a comfortable friend, something I got so used to living with that I can't fathom living without it. Also, it does validate my identity. I am someone who goes through and has dealt with alot. That makes me special and explains/justifies my sensitivity and self-destructive actions. I hold onto it because it's all I know. Lord, I just pray that You will move me to a place where I'm truly ready to let go, forgive and accept everything bad that's happened to me. May I not get discouraged over my not being ready. That's the sort of thing that gets me suicidally depressed. I believe You will make me ready. Please. For now I guess I'm still getting buzzed.

btw

2011-10-08T01:11:00.000-07:00

hello people who know me personally. i'm fine with comments as long as my real name isn't in it! you know, paranoid and all. yes the drugs don't help that. can't help it for now.

I see the light!

2011-10-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

And up I go again! But this time may be different. It started in the DBT group where they had talked about the idea that we all got used to having so much emotional pain (since we all experienced terrible trauma at young ages) that we would seek it out or prolong it by dwelling/indulging in it. Pain became a comfortable friend so we would replay terrible events in our lives in our mind or cause more pain to others around us or hurt ourselves physically. Also, it validates us in the sense of, I have all this pain so I'm allowed to be miserable, be the victim and behave inappropriately as I want since I have to live with the pain. Kinda like two people competing to prove whose gone through more trauma than the other. I found this hard to understand and apply to myself. So what, am I purposely being re-traumatized every time something or someone reminds me of my childhood? Is it my fault my memories haunt and pain me? They said no, it's unconscious. My mind keeps bringing up the past because I haven't dealt with it and keep avoiding it with drugs and alcohol. Somewhere deep inside I am angry and can't accept what happened to me so I can't let it go and move on. I thought about this and figured it must be true but also it must be very deeply hidden because I'm not aware of any actual thoughts like that about my past. All I'm aware of is the crippling emotional and physical pain and anxiety I get every time I think about it. They concluded that I've got to face and deal with the past with my individual therapist, something not easy to do but they encouraged me to get working on it. And then I felt like going to a pub or something anything to get rid of the anxiety I was getting just thinking about dealing with my traumatic past. But I didn't. I already had plans to see friends and it was the middle of the day so no one would want to go drinking with me anyway. But I definitely felt so stressed. Basically I was told I have to do the one thing I unconsciously have been dreading for years.
Then this morning I prayed about it and said "Dear Lord, in the name of the amazing name of Jesus Christ, heal the pain in my heart so that I may be completely free. I know You are the ultimate Healer and I believe You can and want to heal me and I trust in Your timing. I will be healed." And I don't know if it was from God directly or just me thinking about it but I could see myself really living free! I could actually picture myself stopping the drugs and excessive alcohol since I just wouldn't have a good reason anymore to take them. I could see myself being comfortable with myself and living with less anxiety so I could freely pursue my creative and career passions and generally being alot less scared and sensitive about everything. With no more deep emotional pain there's a massive weight lifted from my shoulders and I can more freely take on life's challenges. Free! This vision has blown me away with the hope it gives me. It's like I finally see the end of the nightmarish tunnel. It's taken 7 years just to understand that I have trauma in the past and I need to deal with it by surrendering it to God and letting Him heal me. So it might take years more to be actually healed, or maybe not but anyways I can see the light at the end. I pray I hold on to this, especially if I start feeling suicidal which I think will happen alot less if I have this hope anyways.

so up and down

2011-10-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

One can argue it is the nature of having BPD and/or spiritually it is the devil trying to get me down after any positive success in my life but a friend from church noticed how I went from telling her everything was going very well to I'm so depressed and discouraged I couldn't do anything today in a span of a couple days. Spiritually I guess it is the devil attacking me and trying to stop any progress I make but earthly reality speaking it's really a combination of things. A few days ago I felt that I was struggling but not too much and therapy is going very well and it's been helpful. I've been trying a few techniques to distract and soothe myself when something distressing happens and it's not as good as drugs or alcohol but still helps a bit. I felt like I was on the road to getting better and dealing with my issues. Then I went out with friends and made the mistake of getting bottle service and got so tanked I couldn't walk or see. Then smoked up, and had a small mushroom before that. Which reminded me of how I used coke almost all last week. All together it's not looking so good. I sure do spend alot of time either drunk/high, thinking about when I'll do it, how to get it, how much to use etc... And I can't picture life without it all. Now I feel trapped and discouraged and depressed about it. And admitted it to my therapist today so I don't know, he might suggest stopping therapy but I hope not. But I also know my use is getting in the way. I can't remember distressing situations as much so I can't practice learning to deal with them differently. So ok I just need to cut down, but that's proving difficult too. Well, I do remember some distressing dreams that ruined the rest of the day. I dreamt that my mom was alive but treating me like she did when I was small so the whole dream I was just afraid of her and constantly worried about her opinion of whatever I was doing. It was so stressful. And when I woke up I just missed her and felt pain from being reminded of what it was like growing up. Another distressing situation happened today when my dad started talking about how nice it was to have small children around to form a family and how he didn't realize it until we had grown up. I remembered how indifferent he seemed to me when I was little and how unhappy my mom was to have to take care of me. I immediately felt physical pain from my memories that sapped my energy. I've got to find a way to deal with it and move on so it doesn't hurt so much anymore.

ok so I'm stuck

2011-09-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

My individual therapist agreed. I'm stuck in an air-tight cycle he says. Although I'm definitely better than just a few months ago, I'm in this cycle where I try to do things but can't keep it up because of perfectionist beliefs that run me into the ground so I have more free time to drink and drug which in turn makes it hard to think, causes loss of interest in other things and gives me hangovers so I have less time to do things I tried doing in the first place and on it goes. So today I pushed myself with reassurances that whatever I do is fine and finally got to play some classical guitar, praise music and sing. But I guess that's not enough in general. He says I've got to break the cycle by making public commitments ie. school or work and reduce the drugs. So I'm gonna call two people he referred me to who are supposed to help me figure out and connect to what I want to do in life. The drugs? Well all I can do is keep trying to control the amounts which has been semi-successful but definitely hard. But what's harder is total abstinence and I'm still exhausted from my last failed attempt.

feeling a little stuck

2011-09-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

Part of my enemy is that I tend to overthink things. But I can't help but worry a bit and feel stuck. I have some goals but am too afraid to work on them so I occasionally blow my mind with chemicals but then they make it harder to do things too. Goals like getting into the Art Therapy master's program and improving my french. I have some creative projects too like working more in photoshop and illustrator, writing music, painting, tabbing more Christian metal, playing guitar and singing... but I'm not doing any of them much. And it's not like I'm too busy either. What the hell is wrong with me? Where's my passion and motivation? Am I just lazy? Is it my BPD interfering? Still partly depressed? Too little confidence? Too much self-inflicted pressure? My psychologist kept reminding me to try to have fun in work and learning. I do have fun when I do creative things but I guess it's my perfectionism and high expectations that eventually get in the way. Must try to let loose and have real constructive/creative fun, not just fake chemically-induced fun/crazy/destructive stupidity that sometimes becomes scary.

started DBT therapy

2011-09-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention how the DBT group therapy is going. It's been about 3 or 4 weeks and it's going well. I have an individual therapist who is overall gentle but still keeps me on task with goals and homework and then I have the group sessions with 7 other women led by a woman and a man. They go over concepts and use our real-life problems as examples. My general goal is to be less sensitive to everything so I don't overreact in my thoughts and actions. My homework consists of doing the workbook, making a list of things to do when I get emotionally overwhelmed by distracting and soothing myself and trying to do work on creative projects so I can reduce drinking and drugging. In group we talked about the ineffectiveness of our destructive coping skills. It was funny how similar we are in that respect when the lady asked us to list some of the things we do when we get painfully emotionally distressed: trying to kill ourselves, using drugs, cutting/burning/banging ourselves, lashing out at others, trying to control others, eat too much or too little etc... I doubt there can be another room with as much collective baggage as one used for therapy for BPD. This became especially evident when they talked about radical acceptance and asked us what pain we had from things we couldn't accept in our pasts. Most of the group had been raped, have dysfunctional families like having alcoholic parents or abusive family members and one woman even said her mom was murdered horribly and before that she was abusive to her. Mine is like a dialled down version of hers, my mom had cancer for 9 years then passed away and before that she was verbally abusive to me when I was little and always hated being a mom. That was a heavy session and hopefully there won't be more like that. There's just so much pain behind everything for all of us. Just writing this down almost makes me tear. A more positive similarity between us is that we're all artistic. I think it's because we all have a sensitive personality so some people are dancers, there's a writer, DJ, jewelry maker, videographer, photographers, model and there's me the painter/musician. I guess being sensitive is a double-edged sword. It allows you to be very creative but also makes you more vulnerable to traumatic events.

a good friend

2011-09-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks Lord for the perfect timing my friend had tonight by calling me just after I cried and told my dad about the stuff in my last post. He tried his best to reason with me and help me feel better but it was my good friend who was more successful at it. She talked about her own problems and asked me about different options for mine and wondered why I felt so bad about myself since I did well in life, with good grades and many long-term boyfriends. She asked, "What will it take for you to think of yourself more highly? Lots of praise or something?" And I thought about it, even if I was a super art/music genius I don't think I would ever be satisfied with myself. And I was never good at accepting compliments, I would brush them off in my mind with "oh their standards are just low." So what's the answer? God's love of course. If I could just firmly and truly feel God's love for me all the time, then there's no reason to feel bad about myself since the Creator of the universe values me no matter what and that's all that really matters. I don't know how it feels to be unconditionally loved by other humans so I have no comparison or expectations of God which is bad. So all I can do is trust and have faith that He will show me more and more how He loves me.
Wow, and now a youth leader from church just called me and reminded me I have a unique divine destiny and shouldn't compare myself with others. Awesome timing Lord. I may still have a drink later though...

triggered by fb

2011-09-21T14:24:00.000-07:00

The world is friggin scary. This is confirmed by a recent visit to my facebook homepage. All the news posts are a reflection of the never-ending chaotic activity of my friends and links to their friends. And that's not including the rest of the strangers in this world and already I feel it's all very threatening. There's people accomplishing things, getting jobs, links to youtube of people playing metal guitar waaay better than me, my cousin seems to have lost weight while I've gained, there's a gangster friend of a friend with threatening amounts of swagger in their comments and their mutual friend who indirectly referred to me as a crackwhore and laughed at a photo of me, there's my exes with new girlfriends and me getting worried if unflattering party photos of me will show up soon. Facebook is really quite stressful. I can't help but compare myself to other people there and I hate that. I just get so down on myself and then I can't understand why God do you want me to be in a cold world like this where everyone is competing for who looks the best and accomplishes and makes the most with the least help? Meanwhile we constantly judge and size each other up and it all stresses the hell out of me. What's the point of someone as fragile and fearful as me to live on this planet? Why did You put me here why?! It'll be a miracle if I survive and get anything done. What does the world need me for anyways? I'm just another nobody with tons of problems. So I've got a few talents, youtube will show you plenty who've got more. I'm nothing special so why do I want to be so much? Well, so that I can make it and show it off on facebook. I can't believe how sad and shallow I am.
This is helpless little old me without You oh Lord. Life is like a horrificly bad trip with no alternate reality to wake up to but I'm here. You put me here for a reason. There's no way I can ever let go of You, there's only misery from never-ending comparing and death without You. I don't want to chase elusive accomplishment goals just to feel better about myself because it will spiritually get me nowhere even if I succeed which is unlikely anyways. And obviously if I don't then I'll be depressed and miserable my whole life like my mom. Tell me why I'm here, what's the purpose and You know best so I will do my best to follow Your plan. Then I will be content, joyfully living out what I was designed to do no matter what it is.
I guess a first step is to stop focusing on how the world is scary and more on how loving and powerful You are. But it's like seeing a huge tsunami wave crashing closer in the distance and not being scared.

He delights in me

2011-09-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

I go twice a week to church. There's the usual Sunday service but there's also the youth Friday evening service and after that is when the pastor and/or two youth leaders listen and pray for me. I think it's been helpful. But last week was something special. The worship music was moving as usual, and it may have been the fact that I was still feeling the shrooms I took earlier that day a bit but I really felt God's love. I felt it in the specific form of Him delighting in me and being proud of me. Especially of the last two years, the hardest years of my life ever. And I thought, are You really proud of me, really? All the overdosing, psych ward stays, becoming an addict, failing at going back to school and a normal life, overall going nuts and hurting myself... Life has been a nightmare and You're proud of me? And He said yes. I guess He's proud that I got through it all and did my best in terrible circumstances. When I ended up in a hospital bed nearly dying, each time I prayed and offered myself to Him and clung to His promise of salvation. I've suffered so much pain from being borderline and having depression but I never blasphemed against God's name or blamed Him for my suffering. I went through so much that I lost hope in life but I never lost hope in Jesus saving my soul and letting me into heaven eventually. I also became the family cook for a while in between there and managed it alright. But anyways, I'm not trying to become proud of my own doings alone, I'm just amazed God has enough mercy to actually be proud of me these past couple years and I hope not to forget it. Dear Jesus don't let me forget that you delight in me no matter what I do. Because you are in love with me. My mind has no concept of this really but please let it sink in and truly become reality in my eyes so that my faith is strengthened.

Via Dolorosa tab finished!

2011-09-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

I finally finished my fourth Antestor tab as usual in guitarpro and pdf format! There are 2 tracks since there's 2 guitars playing but I put most of the parts in the 1st track just to keep it simple for reading and playing. I also tabbed the little keyboard part in the middle-ish just for fun. As usual Antestor transforms simple chord progressions and melodies into haunting emotions. I think I'll tab As I Die next since it was requested before and it's such a great song. And to keep reiterating, I will eventually tab the whole album. I'm getting there slowly but surely!

gp5 format:
http://uploading.com/files/6d472bb6/Via%2BDolorosa.gp5/

pdf format:
track 1:
http://uploading.com/files/21maef8a/Via%2BDolorosa_Antestor%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

track 2:
http://uploading.com/files/3dbf8cma/Via%2BDolorosa_Antestor_track2%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

Enjoy!

too much mush

2011-09-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

Wow I have to be careful with my mushrooms. I had too many the other day and had the most intense trip ever. Never again! So intense I went into the spiritual dimension of existence. Anyways, it started slowly. Little visual distortions, everything moving like I was underwater. Textures became very interesting and pictures started moving. Then we watched an episode of Futurama and I felt like I was actually in the world of the show and everything was happening for real and I saw everything through Fry's mind so I was stupider too. Then I started to watch my favorite film Howl's Moving Castle and again I felt like I was really there in that magical world flying over rooftops with patterns spilling out of the TV. But then I couldn't concentrate on it anymore so I went to my room and enjoyed a flashing light stick and pictures of space but I couldn't concentrate for long on them either. It was because it got even more intense. I felt my rational mind shut down and my spiritual eyes open. I couldn't see normally anymore, instead I could feel the vast power of God holding existence together. I was in the spiritual dimension and I could feel spirits around me. At the same time the part of my brain that holds rational thinking and a sense of self just totally shut down so I ceased to exist as myself anymore. I was just pure awareness, I was no longer me, I was melted into all of existence. No words can completely describe how this felt. It was accompanied by a roller-coaster ride thrill feeling. It was all so overwhelming I started tearing. And then started panicking that I was losing my mind and needed to go to the hospital. I just kept praying to God, "I'm sorry I trespassed into Your domain! I won't do it again! Just let me come down soon!" Eventually I did start to come down and calm down but I was so high my head felt like it was scraping the ceiling and I don't want that again.

I told someone at church about it and he said that some Christians experience something similar through prayer and meditation but the difference is that they are being accompanied and protected by the Holy Spirit and I wasn't. At least accompanied anyways. I could feel I was being protected because that's a vulnerable state to be in to be attacked by the devil but I wasn't and I think that accounts for some of the bad trips people can have on hallucinogenics.

co-labouring with God

2011-09-13T19:28:00.000-07:00

I realize more and more how important the concept of co-labouring with God is. It's what we've all been created for. It's the reason for living. If I only try my very best at everything it won't be enough. I will still fail, especially by God's perfect standard and most certainly my own expectations. But if I sit back and do nothing to let God do everything, what was the point of me being created and physically present in the first place? God wants a relationship with us that includes working together in this life. I'm wondering if He wants me to help Him help other people through art as an art therapist. But for now co-labouring means working to declare His Truth over my life, to take it as truth that He loves me and has plans to prosper me and deliver me from evil. That's my new approach for singing and playing praise music. It's declaring in musical form how wonderful, comforting and loving God is through Jesus Christ. One day I'll be completely free to help others. No more being mentally ill and self-destructive.

ouch

2011-09-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's finally happened. The moment I was afraid of. The people I get the white stuff from are pissed that I only see them for the white stuff even though we consider each other friends and they notice I've been doing more. And I heard them whisper to each other as soon as I left the other day. What can I say? I do value the friendship but at the same time dope has become a big part of it too. I figure I'll just go there once a week and buy only every other time I'm there. I hope that will be enough to keep them happy. It could be because they really care about how I'm doing and are worried for me but I can't help but worry that they are just judging me too. As if I'm just using them for drugs. Even if they didn't give me access I would still go and see them but maybe not as often. And now I feel bad about being so self-centred. I wonder if they can understand what my mind goes through all the time. I guess I've always felt bad about it, partly using them for what I want but I still consider them friends. And we will always be bonded by the fact that another mutual buddy had passed away and we were his only close friends. We all miss him sometimes. I hope I can explain all this to them properly. I hate it when people are mad at me. Honestly can't stand it. Blech. Seriously the solution really is to do it less. But then I'm afraid I'll drink more instead and that is worse since I get so depressed. Nearly tried to kill myself last time but was too drunk to get to the pills. Oh God save me please.

amateur mycologist

2011-09-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

Ok so I didn't really say it here but I've been growing 'special' mushrooms for about a month now and it's going really well. Lots of fruiting going on. Yes it is a bit crazy as a personal project but I just really wanted to try them and it was proving extremely difficult to find and thanks to the internet I realized it's possible to grow them yourself so I thought why not? So I've learned alot about mushrooms now and how they grow and such and it's actually pretty interesting. How does my faith factor in this ridiculous behaviour? Well I actually prayed about the project and asked God to bless it. I think He knows my stubborness and gives me the freedom to make sometimes not the best decisions and then I learn from them. Should this really get in the way of my relationship with Him I will eventually stop. Same with all my self-destructive BPD fuelled behaviours, with His help of course since I can't do it alone. That's why I started the new DBT group today. It was so stressful though. I just hope they help me change my distorted perceptions of people and situations and give me better coping skills. Does it make any sense that I try to be dedicated to Jesus but still screw up so much, consciously and unconsciously? Well I guess lots of Christians are like that and not just me. Oh great here I go again, trying to earn Jesus' approval when He already died for me knowing how flawed I am. Why is it so hard to stop judging myself and trying to be perfect? He knows and accepts I have BPD and sometimes act stupidly and selfishly. Stop feeling guilty!

worrying and shrooming

2011-08-31T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'm officially stressed. I just said good bye to the best psychologist I've ever had so for 3 months I won't be seeing him, I'm starting a new DBT program which is scary because I have to meet new people and trust a new group of professionals and it's why I had to stop seeing my regular psychologist, my dad is again iffy about the lady who has become like a second mother to me and so she may have to disappear from my life yet again and I'm still struggling to have more clean days especially no drinking. And of course there's the stress of maybe going back to school. So, I took a mushroom from the batch I've been growing. It was my first time and I tripped pretty hard. Everything was more intense and for a while I couldn't stop staring at pictures of space because it felt like I was literally in space gazing at the galaxies and the solar system. Everything was moving and I could see patterns and colours and the fish I was putting into the oven was staring at me with a moving eye pleading not to be cooked. A definite plus to it all was that there was no way I was going to take any other drug or drink.

withdrew

2011-08-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

I had a day last week when I said, "I'm not going to have anything today. Why should I? It's no big deal, I can do it." It was harder than I thought but I did it and went to bed mostly satisfied. Then I had an emotional nightmare I can't remember now and when I woke up I was in at least strong psychological and somewhat physical withdrawal. I felt like a shrivelled up prune and hollow inside. I felt ill like there was socks stuffed in my head and like I was lacking something inside. For the first time in a while I craved any sort of drug first thing I woke up in the morning and it was horrible. I had already insisted with myself that I would never have anything first thing in the morning anymore and realized it must be because I stayed clean the day before and only on my own meagre strength. And I hadn't been praying the past few days so I knew I had to pray asap. I prayed for God's strength and support and apologized for trying to do it by myself and He gave me a vision. I saw a huge tree reaching to the skies with pretty leaves and it had fruit that glowed brightly with different coloured light. And when you wanted it to it would fall and you easily catch and eat it. It was spiritual food and many animals would come to eat it too. I sat there and ate a whole bunch but then realized it would take time to digest, something I couldn't speed up no matter how many I had. I haven't had a clean day since but I'm still somewhat restraining myself.

too much effort

2011-08-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

So God humbled me by not warning me of the fact that my passport was expired and so no trip to Florida after all. Oh well, so I'm humbled which is a good thing. I'm reminded that I cannot be perfect as much as I'd like to be. Only God can. Next subject, life takes too much effort. I'm so not designed or capable for living on this earth. Everything just takes too much out of me and there is no rest. Even asking for God's help takes effort. I always have to try my best at everything and I'm just too tired to keep it up. So I drink and drug more. And thus worry that I'll be kicked out of this new DBT group at the hospital yet again. But I only do small amounts of everything. It's laughable amounts to be sent to rehab for so I guess I should be safe. I'll just have to keep trying my best as therapy starts soon. I'll be meeting my individual therapist next week and I'm really nervous about it. I'm afraid he'll turn out like my old therapist at the addiction centre who only succeeded in pissing me off. And three weeks sobriety which was the most I could handle...

family pics

2011-08-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

We spent alot of our time when visiting family looking at family photos. It was fun to see our dads and aunts and uncles and grandparents at varying stages of life, especially in their 20's I guess since I'm in my 20's now. And my dad or uncles or grandparents would point at the people we couldn't recognise, like here's you're grandma's dad who was a school principal, these are family friends who became doctors, your dad's close friend who teaches at Stanford and is a math genius, your grandpa's brothers who he put through all their post-secondary schooling, your grandma's problem brother who's the gambler and lost alot but has slowed down recently etc... And I couldn't help but wonder, what would they say about pictures of me to someone else in the family? Would I be labeled like that gambler great-uncle? Here's our problem granddaughter who's an addict and mentally ill. And that's all I would be labeled and seen as capable of. I know they wouldn't say that now about me but if all my problems continue for years they just might. Well what can I do about it really. All I can do is try my best with life and keep faith in God.

It was jarring to see occasional photos of my mom with my dad in Europe, then the marriage day and with me and my brother. She was so pretty and had a funny habit of blinking in alot of photos. I tried to see if I could tell she had issues and emotional pain but I couldn't really. I wondered if I could see evidence of her mood swings and hurtful anger in pictures of her and me when I was little but I couldn't see much. Maybe something in her eyes but she mostly looked like another wife and mom amongst my dad's extended family.

Then we saw photos of me growing up. I wondered if people could tell that this cute little girl would grow up to be mentally unstable and a drug addict. Could I tell by looking at my face that I had no self-esteem, not enough nurturing and always so fearful? Not really, I covered it up by smiling goofily alot. Appearances don't reveal much, I must remind myself no matter how insightful I think I may be.

Well I'm off to Florida for a week. Woo roadtrip and Harry Potter world!

if I just had my mom

2011-08-09T22:38:00.000-07:00

If I just had my mom around I would be doing so much better. She'd keep an eye out for me and she'd know any time I'd be getting into trouble or already in it and then she'd do something about it. Yes I need to be babied, I'm not very good at taking care of myself OK? If she was around she would ask me where I'm going, what I'm doing, why is my nose blocked and runny so often, why all the sniffling/snorting and staying up late, why am I drinking everyday, how am I feeling today, do you need help figuring things out today, no I didn't mean all that I said to you when you were young, I really do love you and accept you for who you are, I had my own issues but I'll try to teach you to take care of yourself now, I'll be by your side always, I won't let you go we'll fight this together, we'll start everything anew together now...

God please resurrect my mom, I'm falling to pieces without her. How could you take away my best friend in the world and leave me with nothing equal? Yes I'm selfish and needy. Look at me now...

Cue Good Grief music from Peanuts before I hurt myself.

good grief

2011-07-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

Anyone seen the episode Good Grief from Arrested Development? It's so friggin hilarious! I pray to the Lord Almighty that the song from Peanuts would always go on inside my head every time I get depressed. It cuts through my grief and tells me there's nothing so serious to kill myself over. Nothing at all, not even the worst suffering. Nothing nothing nothing!

accept and surrender

2011-07-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

Another important message from above: accept and surrender. It's also repeated in all sorts of therapies including DBT which is to practice radical acceptance. Basically, life sometimes sucks so you have to just accept the bad times and not freak out and rail against what you can't accept. God is telling me to use this principle with myself and unexpected life situations. There's alot in me that I plain old just hate. But this self-condemnation doesn't get me anywhere but more down. Also, when I make plans and they don't turn out my way I tend to get overly stressed. I'm not a very flexible person though I'd like to think I am. So God is telling me to accept myself including the parts that bother me and accept reality even when it doesn't go my way. This all makes sense, I have to start somewhere to begin change which means acknowledging where I am now. But it's so hard for me to do. There's always the comparing and worrying if I measure up and doing the right thing so I'm accepted by others and always my mother's voice, haunting me from beyond the grave, always concluding that I'm not good enough for anything. And so, these are the things I must surrender and give up to God and let Christ carry the burden. If I don't, all that negativity will continue to crush me into the ground. But that's hard to do too, I feel like it's all branded into my mind and heart, an essential dark part of me. Which I guess brings me back to praying and spending time with God everyday so that I can more easily get into the habit of surrendering the negativity. I've been faltering a bit these days with keeping up the praying and meditating but I mustn't just give up, I've got to try try again to come to God. My life depends on it.

I'm off to New Brunswick tomorrow so I need to make sure I take at least 5 minutes everyday with God even at my relatives' house.

take it slow

2011-07-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

This is from before but I just wanted to write it down; I had a wonderful message from the Lord that lifted some weight from my shoulders. He said I need to take things slow. In other words don't push myself too hard or put alot of pressure on myself to get going and accomplish things and be 'successful' in life. I have to be careful to not get down on myself for not having a job or going to school at the moment because my personality is such that I can't take sudden change/improvement well. I definitely don't want to stay in this position but I have to move forward at a slow and easy pace. I'm fragile and need to be treated as such, especially by myself which is the hardest thing but if the Creator of the universe tells me to slow it down and it's ok then it's gotta be ok and good to do. It's no matter if the voices in my head tell me life is zooming by and I've got nothing to show for it or that I don't have an established role in society yet. God has a place for me in His plans and I will get there slowly but surely. I guess this is what it means to trust God.

i look like a man

2011-07-26T23:54:00.000-07:00

sure it's debatable. some people say i'm pretty, certainly my bfs did, but generally i look like a guy in the mirror. sometimes i wonder if i'm bi or something. again a symptom of bpd of course, but really i often look like a man to myself. a manly woman which is rather ugly to me. but what can i do? i wish i weren't so shallow but it does bother me a bit. especially when i'm in korea. over there i'm chubby (skinny over here in canada) and overall dumpy/ugly. nothing special. no double eyelid or big eyes or straight hair. oh great now i sound like i'm complaining. well i guess i get this way when i'm drinking. the truth comes out. i'm still a pained and unhappy person. i can only pray that God will heal my heart. these days i'm finding it harder to control the drinking. i think its' from stress from family visiting. they are the shallow kind who can only laugh at what they are afraid of. no discussion of any serious kind and very snoopy and Lord knows i have alot to hide. i'l be visiting them next week so i might not write for a while at that time. don't want them seeing this. stupid normal people.

impressions

2011-07-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

so many visions and pretty and strange sights go through my mind all the time. Especially when I'm on something but that's not a prerequisite. Sometimes I wonder just how sane I am... But when I've lost control and I'm so excited it becomes very difficult to remember. Impressions of an amusement park, beautiful forests, strange landscapes that defy description, bright colours and moving music... I think the best part about art is that it transports you to another place, time and mind space. That's what I'll focus on for the paintings I finally started after a 2 year hiatus of hell. I'll post pictures soon as I get photoshop working again.

fun dream

2011-07-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

I had such a neat dream the other night I figured I should write it down. I thank God that it wasn't tortuous or emotionally draining or a nightmare or anything like that. Anyways, I dreamt that me and my family and my dad's parents suddenly moved to a huge mansion that partly was like a medieval church with 30 foot ceilings in stone and beautiful stained glass windows and part of it looked like a normal mansion. We were looking around in awe and then we stepped out the front door and saw that even the door was made of heavy wood and shaped in an arch like an old church door. But instead of standing outside we were in a giant indoor courtyard to which other mansions were also connected. The courtyard walls and ceiling were also made of stone and was 60 feet high at least. There was a nice garden with some low stone walls and benches so we decided to explore and see the mansions of our neighbours. Each one looked unique with interesting colours and shapes and when I turned a corner inside the courtyard I came across another huge space with high ceilings and large chandelier-like lights and warm-coloured walls. It felt clean and cozy so I had to step inside. It looked like a public pool space but instead of a pool, it was like giant sinks, baths and pools were melded together into this massive waterpark-like basin. The weirdest part was that the water surface didn't stay flat, it was shaped like rolling hills and at the edge it came down to floor level so people could step right into it and the further back you got the deeper and higher the water was. Near the top was a lady in a bathrobe who was proud but still chatted to us in a friendly way about the place and invited us to look around. I ended up walking across a sort of bridge pathway over the basin, noticed I was wearing a private high school uniform and slipped into the basin where it was like a gentle but fast slide. I said sorry but wasn't really because it was a fun ride except when I got water in my mouth. One section had easter coloured bumps that felt like they were massaging my back and butt and at the end I splashed into the hilly water I saw in the beginning.
In a totally unrelated part of the dream I ended up in a painting class in a basement that was also part art store. The teacher wasn't paying any attention to me so I got so frustrated I started smashing my canvas with a wood stick. But the stick was cutting the canvas like a knife and slowly changed my canvas into a rubix cube-like object that could be opened to reveal words and sentences. The teacher finally noticed me and admired my ingenious and unique concept of making the object. I was surprised but still mildly annoyed.

importance of QT

2011-07-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

So, I'm still doing my best to spend some quiet time with God everyday in the morning and boy what a difference it makes. When I do it I can feel God's presence, love and peace from His benevolence. My days are relatively clear on what I need to do and life seems to have purpose. When I forget or somehow just don't spend time with Him (especially a few days in a row) I get more depressed, feel like I'm doing nothing with my life and going nowhere, hate myself as stupid and spoiled and end up drinking and drugging more. And of course the more I do them the more the cycle of suffering spins with hangovers and withdrawals. Truly if I am to get through life it is only by God's grace and spending time with Him through Jesus. My pastor also told me and my brother to read passages like Isaiah 49:9- together and decree them over me to believe and declare that God will heal and free me from my issues and lead me to help others too. She keeps saying I'm beautiful and will be specially powerful in the Holy Spirit which is jarring for me to hear from a relative stranger and considering all my mental health problems. But I do believe God can heal anything and anyone. Even as I spend more time with Him I notice that my borderline personality tendencies go down. I just can't freak out about things as much. And then it's shocking how unstable my normal state is when I don't spend time with Him. On Friday I felt like there was no point to my life and living when we left late to go have supper before service with everyone. Sounds ridiculous but that's how far it goes when I get stressed since I'm hypersensitive. But when I have the peace that transcends all understanding I don't get that stressed in the first place over small things.

moving on from treatment centre

2011-07-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

I've officially stopped treatment for addiction. I'm going to focus on spiritually healing to get sober. I prayed about it and of course I have my insecurities about leaving but I'm being reassured by God, by my pastor and my psychologist that they can't do more for me there. I told my therapist that I'm thankful I'm off weed and it's made the biggest difference. I was such a slave to it, I couldn't stop and it was making me just completely messed up in the head that I did so many horrible things to myself in the depths of weed-induced despair. I'm free from it now and I forgive her of triggering my sensitivities to judgment and criticism. I guess we just wish each other the best. And she said that if I need to I can always come back so that's reassuring as well. I ended up crying about leaving the place to my psychologist today which was confusing and he says it's the whole abandonment and loss of mother figure-ish person thing. It is anxiety inducing to leave the place but overall I also feel relief that I don't have to fight or feel guilty about using anymore. I really don't have it in me to resist anymore which also makes me sad but I know God won't let me stay like this forever. No matter what I want or can do. I should look on the bright side anyways, I'm mostly sober these days compared to never at all on weed!

trying again spiritually

2011-07-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

It's beyond me to stop the small amounts of drinking/blow but it's not beyond me to try again to spend a little quality time with the Lord everyday and so that's what I did this morning and it was wonderful. I could feel the comfort coming from His love and it felt like pure water falling on and around me, enveloping me and it was very soothing. Finally some inner peace! And I asked for clear direction on whether to continue treatment at the centre. I had to make sure to focus on God and not the voices in my head arguing whether to continue or not. I admired His miracle-working, all-powerful nature and felt Him examining the state of my heart and taking it into account for His plans for me. Which is amazingly considerate of Him. And He told me not to continue because He will show me His power even when I don't want to quit. (It's also because I don't really want to quit that I would just be wasting my time at the addictions centre). Then He warned me that this is not some easy way out, I must continue spending time with Him and eventually I mustn't use everyday. So, I will keep putting aside quiet time for the Lord, go to MA, to church services and start painting and tabbing and writing music again.
In the tiny off chance that I just heard what I wanted to hear and my using gets worse and not better, I can always go back to out-patient treatment or in the worst-case scenario rehab. But I'm quite sure I heard from God Himself and I trust Him more than anyone else since He is beyond any human wisdom. My problems are microscopic compared to His might.
I'm also aware that I will get more attacked spiritually by the devil since I'm trying to spend more time with his enemy so I pray for a legion of angels to protect me in Christ's name.

anyone can

2011-06-29T07:13:00.001-07:00

Anyone can go out, buy crap and get high. Anyone can snort and feel good or drink and get drunk. It's nothing special. Anyone who brags about smoking up, getting buzzed or blasted out of their minds are only confirming that they are behaving like losers. So why am I stuck in it, again? Not everyone can play music, not everyone can do a nice painting, not anyone can teach others well, and yet I can and don't. I'm so scared of people, of pressure and of pain I'd rather inflict it on myself than by others. I don't know how I'm supposed to stop this time. I'm getting trapped and I'm not even sure I want to escape. Whatever, I'll still try to paint and write and tab music. All in baby steps. Meanwhile I pray to Jesus for guidance because I don't know the way forward anymore.

fell off the wagon

2011-06-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I can at least be honest with myself and most of the people closest to me, I have slipped again. I reason that as long as I stay away from weed I can handle everything else. Was I ever really ever a real addict otherwise? Really? And so I rationalize using other things as ok. And I want to go out to pubs and bars again but my closest friends know my struggle now and don't want to drink with me so I drink alone. They are being good friends of course. I can't have things both ways. But I'm not getting the help I need anymore. The treatment centre says the group I was supposed to wait for is canceled so they could have put me in the regular phase 2 group but I already slipped and need 2 weeks sober time to enter so I'm stuck with just seeing my therapist whom I hate until I can get my act together but who knows if or when that will happen. And seeing that lady once a week is not going to help at all. I'm considering telling her that I will stop treatment completely. They won't give me a different therapist so screw it all, they can't help me anymore. We'll see what she says I guess.

power in Jesus' name

2011-06-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

I've been praying every night before bed to have nice, benign dreams that are free from emotional torture and drug or alcohol use. I make sure to say in Jesus' name and it works! Last night I dreamt that I could speak basic french pretty decently, something I struggle with in real life since french is really needed where I live to be able to work. The other night I dreamt my cousin owned an old spookily lit house where there was a Mountain Dew vending machine and it had a moose that loved to stick its front legs and head out once in a while. Silly and harmless!

little goals for the gap

2011-06-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

If they think it's acceptable for me to have a 1 to 2 week gap in addiction treatment then fine, I'm gonna do what I want and just stay the hell away from marijuana and alcohol. I'm going to keep myself busy with little projects and errands:
-grocery shopping for the week X
-clear off desk and set up new computer
-work on writing song
-tab Antestor's Via Dolorosa
-play guitar X
-get my hair cut and dyed X
-do some drawing for fun
-go to 3-4 AA/MA/NA meetings a week
-see a movie X
-set up tomato plants X
-make lunches for family X
-sign up for a pilates class
-listen to different Christian metal bands
-do laundry
-sign up for DBT therapy group X
-make dentist appointment X
Hopefully I can pull it all off...

Happy Father's Day from the devil

2011-06-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

I'm definitely being attacked by demons. I've had 2 vivid using dreams just this week and then last night too and it was an awful nightmare. I dreamt that my dad got diagnosed with stomach cancer in a late stage which meant he was going to die soon. We had a funeral and memorial right away and tons of people came, mostly from the church where he is an elder. I just went through the motions of greeting people, making sure the events went smoothly but when it was over and people started leaving I started to get upset. Everybody's leaving me alone with my grief and not even saying bye so I got so distressed I screamed at the top of my lungs with all the air I could muster. It felt awful. And I said to myself, "that's it. I'm drinking." And proceeded to drink any beverage with alcohol I could find. Then I found myself playing a game of bowling except with bottles and the pins were bottles of different kinds of alcohol. I was afraid they would break but somehow they didn't. If you knock one over then it's yours to drink. When it was my turn there was only one bottle left, it was champagne, and I aimed well but it didn't reach it because of a clear plastic barrier. I got mad because there wasn't anything else left to drink and I thought to myself geez, I'm addicted.

At church they have told me that all the authority in heaven is granted to us by Jesus so, in the name of Jesus may I be protected from the enemy and get true rest in sleep! I've gotten so stressed I'm getting pimples all over my face.

deadliness

2011-06-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

Fighting addiction is the hardest thing I've ever done. Nothing compares to the struggle, not getting my bachelor's degree, not performing in front of hundreds of people, not completing a satisfactory painting, nothing. And yet, if I lose, it all ends in tragic, premature death. It's hard to think of it that way but the deaths of 3 people I know are painful reminders. The most painful was of my good friend who I did alot of drugs with and I'm shaken that I survived and he didn't. I feel like I contributed to his demise even though he was a stubborn and heavy user. And then there's the lady I became friends with in the psych ward who said she was an alcoholic and bipolar. She told me of the husband who was divorcing her because of her drinking and her lovely daughters who came to visit her. She commited suicide a few months later. And now I just heard that the guy I thought I helped at the AA meeting by giving him a number for MA has also just died. I heard it may be suicide as well. What's crazy is that his thing was only marijuana and yet it still drove him off the edge and caused him to lose his job. I mourn for all these people. I pray that their souls will finally find peace in the Lord. And I hope they will remind me that I just can't give up, even when that's what I want most in the entire world.

rightly scared of sponsor

2011-06-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

I knew it. I'm just too sensitive for close human interaction. On the third day of calling my temporary sponsor she already hurt and pissed me off. She's definitely wise but for me, often the truth hurts and I'm sensitive to it and her delivery is too blunt for me. I feel like she hits me over the head with the truth and I just can't take it because I'm feeling the exact same thing from my therapist and psychiatrist at the addiction centre and there's only so much I can stand. Only my psychologist seems to know how to talk to me without setting me off into extreme pain or fear. But he's already a rare find amongst professionals so how am I supposed to find someone like that in AA or MA meetings as a sponsor?! I just find all of humanity too harsh and judgmental. I need to move to a deserted island or something. This is partly why I used drugs. So I wouldn't care how people treated me. In my drug-addled mind I could pretend I was an island.

I'm so angry at the therapist and psychiatrist at the centre. My daily therapy group sessions ended today and now there will be a gap of 1 to 2 weeks where I only see the therapist I don't like once a week until I get into the relapse prevention group. To me, this is a crack in the treatment plan and I'm really scared of falling through and slipping. How is once a week from 5 times a week going to keep me on the straight and narrow?! I said this to the psychiatrist and he said "you are reacting to your fear of moving on to the next level, to something new" I said this is partly true but it's also the simple fact that I'm going to get way less support which I have been depending on to stay sober. To this he simply said to try not to be so scared. What the hell?! How is that helpful?? That's like telling me to love eating octopus (I hate the chewy texture). To which he said that's a bad example because he loves octopus. Again, not fucking helpful! What a jerk. I want a different psychiatrist there too or else I'm just going to go back to the one I have at the hospital. She's another professional who doesn't trigger my emotions too much. Anyways, I'm not even sure I want to come in and see the therapist during this gap. I hate seeing her judgmental face. She keeps saying she isn't judging but how can I believe her when it's written on her face, in her facial expressions? Perhaps I'm just being paranoid (I know I am pretty paranoid of people, especially when I'm upset) but I can't help it if I react this way to her style. I asked for a different therapist and she said they don't usually change therapists for people but that she would ask the team. That's just too slow for me. The gap in the plan started today damnit. Already this week I've had crazy intense dreams of using cocaine and waking up stressed and drained. Today I've had to fight off too many thoughts of drinking, smoking, popping, snorting crap that I ended up in a zombie state for a while, unable to move or talk except for very small movements. I don't have much energy to fight off temptation and I'm certainly not going to call my temp sponsor, too scared of what she'll say.

updated Antestor tab links

2011-06-15T13:31:00.001-07:00

I'm not much of a whiz at internet things so this is the best I can come up with in terms of uploading stuff. I'll try to keep them active or just update again... Enjoy!

-Med Hevede Sverd:
gp5 file: http://uploading.com/files/371c84ea/Med%2BHevede%2BSverd.gp5/

pdf file: http://uploading.com/files/351138ae/Med%2BHevede%2BSverd_Antestor%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

-Old Times Cruelty:
gp5 file: http://uploading.com/files/3cadbc9d/Old%2BTimes%2BCruelty.gp5/

pdf track 1 file: http://uploading.com/files/1b2c92c7/Old_Times_Cruelty_track1%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

pdf track 2 file: http://uploading.com/files/93d95df2/Old_Times_Cruelty_track2%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

-Rites of Death:
gp5 file: http://uploading.com/files/c98dm6b9/Rites%2Bof%2BDeath%25282%2529.gp5/

pdf file: http://uploading.com/files/d4e523cb/Rites%2Bof%2BDeath_Antestor%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

-Via Dolorosa
gp5 file: http://uploading.com/files/6d472bb6/Via%2BDolorosa.gp5/

pdf file track 1: http://uploading.com/files/21maef8a/Via%2BDolorosa_Antestor%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

track 2: http://uploading.com/files/3dbf8cma/Via%2BDolorosa_Antestor_track2%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

starting again on Via Dolorosa tab

2011-06-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

This tab seriously won't take too long in itself but I haven't been working on it at all. Been too busy trying to stay sane and sober but I will have more time soon since my daily treatment will end either this week or next. I still intend to tab the whole album in its awesomeness.

stupidly scared of sponsors

2011-06-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

Geez. I always think I want to do the right thing and then when I try to do it, I realize I don't because I'm crazy scared. I went to a random AA meeting tonight (especially since I'd be home alone) and what I thought I wanted started happening. Two nice ladies started talking to me, took me out for coffee and spoke of the importance of being connected to the AA program through other people and having a sponsor. A sponsor being someone who you call everyday, knows how you're doing and supports you and guides you through the 12 steps to sobriety. I've been looking for one since I knew it's important to have one but it's been hard to trust people and find the right person. Finally, I figured since I liked one of the ladies and she's 8 years sober, I should ask her to be my temporary sponsor and it was a bit scary but I managed to get the words out of my mouth and she accepted. And then it hit me. I felt completely traumatized by what I just did. She asked me what was wrong and said it looked like I got hit by a truck. The look on my face was pure fear. It felt like I just jumped off a cliff. I guess it's fear of possible conflict, of commitment, of change. And I had no idea I would react like this. I just figured I want to do the right thing which is to get a sponsor to help me stay clean. I hate how unaware I can be of my own true feelings. I blame that on my BPD. Now I feel drained and tired from my tense emotional response. And of course it made me feel like drinking to numb the intensity but not that badly so I'm still sober. I hope this is what You want God. Please help me not freak out so much.

close call avoided thanks to AA + effort

2011-06-09T13:33:00.001-07:00

I finally confronted my therapist with written points of how I felt judged by her and how I felt she dismissed my personality disorder as just an excuse to not change. It was an intense session where I was yelling at her and crying for an hour. She said sorry and that I was mis-perceiving things (of course) but I still felt like crap when the session was over. Then my dad called and said he wasn't coming home for dinner and my brother wasn't home either. So, I'm super upset and about to go to an empty home. I'm obviously going to drink or smoke up. It's a very bad situation for using. After alot of struggle and debate in my head, I decided the best thing to do was to stick around downtown and go to the AA meeting at the hospital and boy am I glad I did. The meeting itself wasn't that great, I couldn't relate to the speaker that much but the chatting afterwards was really good. People remembered me from when I was there for detox and were very encouraging and I was able to help someone out by giving a number for MA since he said his problem was marijuana too. I vented a bit about my therapist and shared a bit during the discussion time and another lady said she related alot to what I said. So I left the meeting late and felt some relief, enough that I didn't want to use anymore. I went to bed in a positive mood and my therapy group and psychologist were all happily surprised when I told them the story.

1 week, 6 days sober

2011-06-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

I've been keeping busy: going to group therapy everyday, hanging out with good friends, went to an AA, MA and CA meeting in one week, back-breaking gardening, trying to get back into the groove of cooking for dad and bro again. Just trying to get through everyday life and errands and stuff. Finding it all a struggle because the smallest things give me stress, still paranoid of people, especially around my neighborhood and constantly feeling intense emotions about everything. Still been going to the new church and the pastor still makes a point of praying for me each time. Still says that I've been anointed by God for something special which of course is a nice thing to hear. But I still fear that one day she will abandon me and just stop caring and talking to me. I told her it's been hard (getting tons of stress from my therapist and consequently feeling even more sensitive and slightly more psychotic. Feeling bugs crawl all over me and seeing things moving back and forth almost all the time). She said when it gets hard admit that I can't do it and just ask God to help me, just surrender to Him and pray for the Holy Spirit. This echoed what the speaker said to me in a CA meeting. Don't fight the addiction because it will always win. Just stop fighting and analyzing and struggling and it will get better. It's a confounding paradox that I still don't understand since I feel like if I stop fighting I will die from relapsing.

quitting and trying trying

2011-05-31T20:36:00.000-07:00

I'm pissed off at my addiction therapist. I know it's partly me projecting my feelings about myself onto her but I'm also sure she is indeed frustrated and impatient with me. A couple days ago she confronted me about the fact that I drank almost everyday the week I got out of detox and said that if I used anything one more time they're going to kick me out of the program. Fine. But then she went on and on about how I sabotage my own treatment and don't move forward and I said I guess it's fear and she said, "fear of growing up?" So what if it is? I need help with it then! And then she says I'm ambivalent about quitting, sitting on the fence and I'd say that's true but that's also a trait of BPD, I'm not doing it on purpose and it's going to take me longer to change it than the average person because I suffer from BPD. I said change is going to be slower for me because of the disorder and she dismissed me as if I'm just using the diagnosis as an excuse. She said it's just a label like bipolar, depression, schizophrenia. When I see her next I'm going to tell her that such people with those other diagnoses still have an easier time with change since they can still make decisions unfettered, though probably sometimes misguided. The nature of my issues directly affect my ability to stick with decisions and follow through since I'm on a roller-coaster of intense emotions and misperceptions that change several times a day. And then she had the nerve to say I shouldn't get more in-patient treatment because I get comfortable and then don't try hard enough to change. That is complete bullshit. I need more help, not less and not all patchy as it is at this center. Being in rehab in December for 28 days was not long enough to truly change since changing one's personality takes even more time than changing habits. She's saying I shouldn't get more help because I'm afraid of change and thus will sabotage myself. But I still want to change so WTF?! It's obvious that only the Holy Spirit can heal me. Stupid professionals.

anointed

2011-05-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

I just went to a different church's Friday youth service that my brother had been going to and encountered God the Healer there. He spoke through the leader straight to me and it was a wonderful confirmation of what little faith I did have. The leader was moved to pray for me and speak with me, like God was expecting to meet me there at that moment. And I could finally feel God's love for me and was assured that He will indeed heal me and the leader prophesied what I had always innately felt; that God has a great purpose for me and my suffering and that's why Satan has been working so hard to destroy me. I've felt deeply called by God since I was 9 but I also started suffering psychologically and spiritually and by the time I was 13 I was acting out and clinically depressed, with occasional but scary hallucinations. That's why I have a tattoo of a gear on fire. It's me being purified by God's fire, there is a purpose to all my suffering and it's so nice to be reminded of that truth. I'm going to start attending this church and the Friday service regularly. Afterall my current pastor even admitted to me I need a more consistent congregation who can properly love me as brothers and sisters in Christ. I know the struggling isn't over yet but finally I can see some relief. The true solution is in sight and I know Jesus can heal me on a more fundamental level than any psychiatric ward, rehab or therapy program can. Of course that doesn't mean they're not useful or that I wont take advantage of them but they can't fill the God-shaped void inside. The leader anointed me with oil for healing but also for the future service I will do in God's name which is what I've always wanted for my life, even more than drugs.

white knuckling it

2011-05-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

I got kicked out of the hospital 2 days ago, well not really but it felt like it. On Monday I overdosed on sleeping pills, prayed that I would find some peace in heaven but yet again I didn't die. I was allowed to take short outings from the ward so that's when I got the pills, took them all in a hospital bathroom and then went back to the ward to enjoy a last meal but my roommate noticed I looked ill, called a nurse over and then I woke up in the ICU. Apparently I fell in front of everybody and had a seizure and they had to call a code blue on me (when a patient goes into cardiac arrest I think). Soon after I was conscious again they released me back to the ward where they discharged me just 2 days later as planned. Yes I was admitted as a detox patient but now you're going to release me just as my psychiatric problems get worse? They're the reasons why I started doing drugs in the first place and now I'm supposed to stay clean by myself?! I'm still going to the Day program everyday but that's still only 2 hours of support everyday from 24 hours everyday. So now I feel like I'm white knuckling it, living as an addict without the substances and hating being sober. I already had 2 beers as soon as I got home because they were there and I couldn't help myself. This is the most insane struggle I've ever found myself in. I pray I didn't go through 2 and a half weeks of detox for nothing.

cleaning up

2011-05-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

We actually get one hour of internet access each day so here I am writing from a psychiatric ward and this place is a hotel compared to the other psych ward I went 4 times to. There are still unstable people I have to deal with, like a lady who's really loud and steals other people's stuff all the time. I keep my music player and expensive headset around my neck at all times. I have a nice and quiet roommate and the staff are amazing. They don't seem to let anyone fall through the cracks. The nurses always make sure to know how you are doing and like to sit down and talk with you if you're upset. It wasn't always that way at the other ward, some were downright condescending and rude. But sometimes the days are long as I get used to being clean so I read the Bible more (finally) and I started a journal where I only write positive things that happened that day.
It's quite the battle though because I'm fighting my addiction and also the borderline personality crap that comes up when I'm sober. They've had to put me in the isolation room twice because I got too upset and self-destructive. Once it was because I couldn't deal with mourning for my friend who recently passed away from being an addict (couldn't deal much with it before since the drugs would take the pain away) and the other time was because it was Mother's Day and that morning my mom was in my dreams. The dream itself wasn't that negative but anytime she's in my dreams I get upset when I wake up and I'm in an emotionally vulnerable state withdrawing from weed right now. My first reaction when she appeared in my dream was oh shit. Everything has to be perfect because she's going to judge and criticize and yell at me, as if I was my childhood self again. But I had a lucid moment later and made up a sword because I knew enemies were coming and she silently approved of it. Maybe that's some sort of spiritual sign.

detoxing now

2011-05-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

They are truly crazy over there. They gave me no warning. I'm to go into the psychiatric ward of this hospital for detox right now and they only told me about it 6 hours ago. I hoped I wouldn't need it but it's become obvious that I do. I've been drinking for 4 days straight and I'm already feeling more depressed, with more dark and destructive thoughts. I pray that I'll get better and meet some nice staff and people.

caved

2011-04-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

Lesson learned: listen to psychologist. He's known me for 2 years and is a specialist in borderline personality disorder. He insisted the whole time that I should just go into detox right away because he knew I was out of control. It's frustrating though because on the outside I often look very much in control so I think I can handle things and my dad does the same mistake with me over and over again. He just wishes so much that I'm ok that he closes his eyes to the signs that maybe I'm spiralling. And of course I caved finally after so much effort trying not to, I went on a 4 day drinking binge and promptly felt depressed and slightly suicidal.

spiritually blinded

2011-04-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

Sticking to one a day is now officially extremely difficult. I still can't stop smoking right after waking up and my bad old self keeps reappearing when I'm sober which is about half the day or more. And boy do I hate being my bad old self. There's an overwhelming amount of negativity inside me and it's easily triggered by just getting upset over anything. And it often snowballs into an episode of BPD-fueled dysphoria. No words can truly describe it but it's like I'm being painfully tortured by my own sick mind, like the dark and negative thoughts and feelings will never stop pouring out of me. I got triggered yesterday because the psych ward called me saying there will be a free bed for detox but like I've said here, I thought my therapist said I didn't need it and I got so conflicted inside, just trying to figure out if I should go or not and it was so upsetting being caught in between two choices. Plus the nurse basically just hung up on me when I said I wasn't sure I was going in so I got upset enough to get emotionally triggered which results in life feeling like hell. I tried my best to deal with it. Of course, the old plan of action came up automatically; I must relieve the unbearable pain so should I smoke up more? Drink again? Cut myself? Take alot of pills at once if it gets really bad? The compulsion to act on these ideas was so strong but I fought in my head, arguing that the drugs will only make everything worse, including the immense emotional pain. Cutting isn't good either but it's not that bad in the long term because I don't go very deep at all, so I did that. It helped for an hour or so. I also spent 4 hours singing my lungs out to my favorite songs and delaying any action to buy alcohol, called a good friend and called my psychologist for support. These little things (suggested coping skills) I did were helpful somewhat. I managed to not drink since I kept saying, just another hour without taking anything. And another and so on. But it was awful to get through and I still ended up hurting myself. I hate being in this very unstable state, not being sure if I'll make it to the end of the day ok.
Why do I suffer like this if Jesus has already beaten the devil and sin on the cross? I believe in it. I think the answer is that BPD means I'm spiritually very blinded. I can't truly see and experience God's love for me since I hate myself and my emotional instability easily takes over my perceptions and even my physical senses and any sort of stable foundation within, including my faith. Maybe I don't really have faith then. Isn't it supposed to be unshakeable? And it's not like I stop believing either, it's just that crazy turbulent emotions put me through the wringer big time and take over everything sometimes. So I just don't know. I don't know if anything's really worth it, if my effort counts for anything at all. What do you want from me Lord, what?? What's the point of all this... But what's the alternative? I know it doesn't look like much but I am doing my best to take care of myself since I know that's what God wants and I've just got to keep doing so, even if it doesn't look like it's enough. I guess that's got to be some sort of faith because I wouldn't keep trying to live right for my own sake that's for sure.

my comforter...?

2011-04-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Jesus be my Comforter. I don't know how that works but that is because of the silly limitations in my head and not because I don't believe you can comfort me. I'm not doing so good right now. They called and told me there will be a bed for detox next week for me but my individual therapist keeps saying I don't need it. Meanwhile my psychologist of 2 years says I do need it. I'm so stressed about deciding because I can't. I'm getting conflicting messages from outside and within since I know I will get more care there but at the same time will be treated as and surrounded by crazy people. They are nice people but very desperate and in bad shape (mentally) and I will get influenced by them again because I'm fragile too and going a little crazy myself. Please comfort me more than drugs and alcohol do. I'm so tempted right now to get some wine to blunt the fact that I won't have any weed left in 2 days since I told my source I'm not getting anymore. So tempted to try and erase the pain and stress or inflict more pain on myself to feel less. But I believe you can comfort more than any of these things can, put together. So what am I to do, wait patiently and delay the destructive actions I compulsively feel I need? While I burn up with pain inside? I just don't know. So all I can do is ask, please be my number one Comforter, hopefully sometime soon.

kindness from strangers

2011-04-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

I'm surprised I haven't been freaking out about it but I'm starting to I think, since May is coming up. And I remembered what I was doing this time last year but I want to be thankful. I had overdosed on some random pills just trying to end the pain, mourning and insanity in my head. I ended up in the ER once again and the next day, when my family doctor was working and said hi but didn't pay me more attention, I yanked the IV out of my arm and got blood everywhere and ran. It was the anniversary of my mother's death so I decided to walk to the cemetery nearby to pray and with nothing but a bloody hospital gown and socks in the cold spring morning. Eventually a passerby decided to call police on me meanwhile an employee of the hospital on her way to work stopped and talked with me, made sure I was ok and gave me a cigarette. She wanted to drive me back to the ER but I still wanted to go to the cemetery so she waited with me till police came. That was very kind of her but I'm not sure I was able to voice that at the time. And then the two police officers who came were even more kind. They drove me to the cemetery, answered my questions about ticket quotas (yes they use them), picked me some flowers at the cemetery and then drove me back to the ER. Wow they were absolute gentlemen and didn't judge me as just another crazy person! So I want to thank them and the lady for showing me kindness when I needed it the most. I hope to do the same for someone else someday.

a proper comparison

2011-04-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

It's going alright so far with just one a day. I just really look forward to the 4 times a day I have a couple tokes. Otherwise I'm cooking, doing a little gardening, hanging out with my bro and the occasional friends. But I figured I should do an official comparison of the pros and cons of smoking, now that I'm more aware of both than ever before. It's crazy all the contradictory things it does to me and I want to motivate myself more by keeping the cons in mind. Eventually it is just untenable to continue in addiction.
Let's start with the pros:
- relaxation, muscles relax, calming
- dopamine rush, euphoria, happy feelings, temporary energy
- fun visual distortions, closed-eye visuals, music from nowhere and tripping
- stimulated creative thinking
- heightened perception of visual details, makes everything look magical
- opens up spiritual planes of existence
- distracts me from problems, personal issues
- prevents BPD driven episodes of self-destructiveness temporarily

Cons:
- exacerbates emotional issues stemming from my Borderline Personality Disorder: I become more emotionally unstable and paranoid of others.
- aggravates my asthma, I'm also allergic to smoke
- takes over and replaces most other pleasurable activities in my life
- sucks up my creative passions (don't play instruments or do artwork)
- withdrawal symptoms: agitated, insomnia, even more emotionally sensitive than usual
- hides issues and problems from myself, can't be aware of everything or work on self-improvement
- upsets chemical balances in my brain
- costs money, takes effort to roll and smoke undetected several times a day
- possible DUIs/accidents/problems with law
- lower motivation, less energy and ability to focus
- eventually leads to more mental instability and BPD episodes of self-destructiveness: emotional boomerang effect where negative feelings/thoughts I try to avoid come back with a vengeance.
- interferes with prescribed meds
- influences me to want to take other drugs eventually
- slowly keep wanting and smoking more and more, exacerbating all the cons

Happy Resurrection Day!

2011-04-24T06:57:00.000-07:00

Mentioning the word Easter only makes me think of silly white bunnies and chocolate eggs. How ridiculously trivial compared to the amazing event of the Son of God dying and coming back to life to save me and all humanity from sin and death! Truly, our faith as Christians is founded on Resurrection Day because that's when Jesus rose victorious over all evil. But of course, this is the ultimate reality of the universe and not what we experience everyday and that's what trips me up like crazy. My pastor mentioned this in his sermon yesterday when he said that if you don't see Jesus' victory then you won't have the confidence, joy and assurance that comes with knowing God's love. Instead we tend to focus on the grave, on what seems impossible, on all the negativity in the world. I definitely do that but I just can't help it, I don't know if my BPD makes it harder to have faith in something I can't physically sense directly and am more sensitive to our fallen state. Thus I am thankful for at least this time of the year to focus on something I have trouble believing is the true reality. After all the apostle Paul said "I want to know Jesus and the power of the Resurrection!" So I should identify with the cross everyday and remind myself that the Resurrection guarantees my own resurrection one day.
My pastor made the very astute observation that before they saw and believed that Jesus resurrected, the disciples had shaky faith and were sometimes downright idiotic. But later they changed the whole world because their perspective was completely transformed. After knowing Jesus came back to life and beating sin and the devil, they counted on miracles as regular occurrences with the Holy Spirit and every Christian can do this too, even today. There are miracles happening everyday all over the world but we close our eyes to them since we don't even believe they're possible. I know now that my disorder shuts my eyes and keeps me drawn to the evil and suffering so I have to try doubly hard to keep meditating and focusing on the true reality of Jesus' victory and that he suffered out of pure love for me. Unfortunately no one can love perfectly as I intensely crave from those around me but Jesus the Creator Incarnate does.

one a day

2011-04-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Starting today I have decided on a concession between the two approaches to quitting: slowly reducing and going cold turkey. I am sticking to one joint a day and I'm going to break it up into just a couple tokes at a time. Then tell them how it went in 3 days. So far it's already a bit up and down. I still get stoned but it doesn't last as long, so when my head is a bit more clear sometimes distressing thoughts or memories pop in. But so far it's sufficient for me to use the trick of seeing them as objects flowing in a river; they will pass so there's no need to hold on to them and freak out. I have to just let the negativity and cravings for alcohol and cocaine pass. I can't believe my brain is so hooked it just keeps craving other drugs while I try to quit another. That's a pretty big sign of being an addict. I guess it's about endurance now and keeping busy.
Also, I think a part of me agreed to this because the people at the center said I should go into detox at the psych ward but now they say the opposite and that I'm scared for nothing, it won't be as bad as before. Well I guess we'll see who's right then. Might as well start cutting down and if I start losing it or having episodes, then they can see for themselves what I've been afraid of since I'll be there everyday. It's like I need to prove how unwell I am. Which is stupid but I can't help but worry that it's all just in my head. Maybe I just think I'm unwell, I can't tell and it's frustrating. I'm further confused by my psychologist saying that personality disorders are not mental illnesses. So what the heck am I suffering from? I understand it's not entirely biologically based but it is partly. So what do you call them then?
And then I worry that I got addicted on purpose so that I have something to identify with and places where I can belong as someone who needs help with substance abuse because as someone suffering from BPD, there is nowhere or any group I can belong to and get help except for one DBT group that only starts once a year. It just makes me feel like such an outcast, like I crave attention for nothing and don't have any real problems. This thought is so distressing it makes me want to use more but instead I'll show them what happens to me without more drugs even if it means I become more self-destructive. Even in group in the day program others can't relate to my BPD problems. My issues honestly make me as if I'm on drugs or suffering withdrawal even when I'm not but for the others, they get better after just a little clean time. Lucky bastards, if only through a selfish point of view.

now in the day program

2011-04-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

I recently started in the day program at this treatment center which means I go there everyday for 5 hours. It's all group stuff and different speakers/therapists and subjects. Some of it is boring but some of it is interesting too. Like all the information on how drugs affect your brain and how others are doing and their experiences. But I am getting discouraged. I think I'm the only one still using in the group since most of the others went into detox too and I'm having a really hard time stopping. I'm just too scared, like I'll fall into the depths of hell if I stop. Others have said that alcohol grosses them out now, they got so sick of it but I don't feel that at all. I still miss the buzz and warm feelings you get from it at first. And obviously it's the same with weed. The others sympathized though, nearly everyone said they got addicted to weed too and found it hard to stop or would just switch to other drugs. My individual therapist suggested I stop by reducing slowly but my psychologist says I should stop cold turkey at the hospital since it's easy to smoke more if stressed. I think he's right but at the same time I do not want to be in a psych ward again. But I'm so scared to just stop by myself. I hate being conflicted.
Oh by the way, happy 4/20 day. It's dark, quiet and rainy and Frank is cozily curled up sleeping in my bed. It's a perfect day to smoke all day.
Arg.

empathy turned inwards

2011-04-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

I read recently in a study that people with BPD are extremely good at telling what people's emotional states are by just looking at their eyes. This made sense to me because I always felt I could tell pretty well myself and because it is like a survival mechanism. During childhood I had to figure out some way of knowing when someone might blow up because that could ruin my whole world for the day. It's funny though because at the same time we suck at interpreting certain social cues, espcially when we're stressed. There was a sample of the test they used where you see a photo of someone's eyes and you have to guess what emotional state they're in. It was multiple choice but I decided not to look at the options to make it harder. It was a funny sensation when I took a good look at the photo of the eyes. Their dark pupils seemed to swallow me up for a second and then I could feel the emotion I saw: panic. So I looked at the answer and it was indeed panic. So that was neat. Then I checked out some of the comments and one person pointed out, if you look at another person with BPD you see emptiness in their eyes. I thought about this and realized it is true. I see it in my reflection and I remember seeing it in others' eyes who also had BPD. I think it's because we have no consistent sense of self and instead feels like there's a black hole inside, constantly threatening to destroy everything.

Is extreme fashionable? really?

2011-04-16T10:49:00.001-07:00

Ever since I was 12 I noticed I tended to like things on the extreme side of things, like dressing punk, then goth, wanting tattoos, acting out in class (when I wasn't as quiet as a mouse), generally feeling alienated and like a rebel. And ever since, I've noticed pop culture glorifying it all and becoming more and more extreme itself. I guess it started a while ago in Hollywood but where's it all headed? We get so caught up in the rebel ideal in our naive teens and then as a young adult... Doesn't it make it harder to mature and take on more responsibility? Well, I guess most people turn out fine either way but what about us vulnerable ones? I wasn't extreme just to be cool, it was more the suffering from BPD developing but I wonder now for the ones who did. I'm sure they've all had to pay for their anti-social behaviour while trying to be accepted and some probably fell into addiction that way, or pick up bad life-long habits like smoking or unwanted tattoos etc... All to be cool for a while. Though I guess in a way it's a phase that's necessary to form your own identity but I think I'm a bit stuck in it. Try as hard as I might, I just can't seem to see myself as anything coherent or consistent. My pastor likes to remind me that Christ gives me my identity since I'm Christian and I do believe this, but I can't see or feel or experience it much. The only explanation is my BPD is impeding me. Otherwise, nothing is stopping me from fully living a Christ-filled life since I already believe and understand the concept of being a child of God, being loved as God loved His only Son.
Meanwhile it grates on my nerves, this rebel pop culture, when I see it around me. Like my good girl friends having bad-ass boyfriends (but with jerk tendencies since they've almost all got big issues). Very few are just nice guys. One can't stop drinking if he's at a bar or club where he feels it's a competition of who can drink the most and then breaks up with my friend twice and doesn't remember it, another is verbally abusive and probably has BPD himself, another loves to put everyone down around him since he's so insecure, one has a problem with the drink too and used to be a skinhead etc... And of course there's my last ex, who's a criminally insane addict (no exaggerating, we met in the psych ward and he transfered from a jail for the mentally ill) who has recently relapsed and is back to stealing and dealing. Is it just guys have more issues generally than women? Or that women are influenced by the rebel pop culture and want a badass for themselves? Or both? Or, humans are just all conflicted individuals? My friend with the over-competitive macaq of a boyfriend told me recently that out of our mutual college friends, I'm the coolest and I would be the least embarrasing to introduce to her other friends. That's nice and all but I think she's seeing through the pop culture lens that I am like the rebel, breaking rules seemingly out of cool self-posession. But really I'm in panicked desperation most of the time, too stressed to always pay attention to rules. There isn't really much that's cool about me underneath. I'm addicted, not in school or work and struggling with myself everyday. How is that cool or good in any way? And so as all Hollywood concepts do, the 'cool' me goes up in smoke in front of the complex truth. And no my naive 12 year old self, it's not cool to be self-involved and careless, alienated and full of angst. And so it shouldn't be cool to look it either. Of course, this does not mean I should or will give up my affinity for dark fashion styles any time soon.

like a deal with the devil

2011-04-13T08:44:00.002-07:00

So I might not be the first to notice but doing psychoactive drugs on a regular basis is like making a deal with the devil. I don't even see at first how desperate a move it is, to basically say "I'll pay anything to feel better, for any bit of relief from myself." And how easy it is when you only have to pay more later. At first it looks like you only pay with your money but then you have to pay more later with your health, sanity and spiritual life. Then it claws back the benefits it used to give you so that you're forced to use only to function and eventually it can take everything, running you into the grave. And I can see all of this now happening in my life. I used to think that eventually the weed just doesn't seem to work as well without a break but actually it's because its negative side effects are getting worse as I continue to abuse it. So I'm getting more paranoid and more and more anxiety which cut through the comfortable haze of the high I get and it's getting heavier to endure. Every time I talk with someone I'm not sure if they're judging me, condemning me with every word that comes out of their mouths or not. I'm constantly on the lookout for invalidating statements that prove to me the speaker doesn't care or believe I suffer. It makes me more stressed and likely to yell and get upset. Also feeling scared of being watched by people on the street, like they can see my misery and problems. I really have to stop soon before I go off the deep end. No wonder my ex would take 2 week breaks from all drugs every once in a while and then go right back to stealing beer and smoking up and then break again. And you know, that's probably why I would feel better after being in a hospital for a week or 2 even though I would have awful episodes in the ER. Couldn't get drugs there, except for the time I got my friend who recently passed away to smuggle in a joint that I smoked in a bathroom in the psych ward and nearly got caught. I could never figure it out until now. I can't believe how much worse I made my situation by self-medicating. All that time I thought my cycling through being ok to being in the ER was only due to my BPD but my addiction was interfering and making things worse than they had to be.

grandparents

2011-04-13T08:44:00.001-07:00

My grandma (from my dad's side) called me recently. She's so sweet and sounds lonely and always says so sadly how much she and grandpa miss me and my family and how she wishes she could come visit but she's too frail. We'll come visit in the summer. And I always say "miss you too" but to be honest, I don't think I do. Which then makes me feel guilty. It looks like I'm one of two ways, either I'm so self-centred that I don't even care about those not immediately having to do with me which is awful or I'm so sensitive to emotional pain that I'd rather cut people out of my mind if I can't see them regularly because I miss them too much. I think this might be an example of my black-or-white thinking, an annoying symptom of BPD. But that's really how I look like to me. Anyhow, all of this adds up to feeling woozy and weird every time extended family call me and say they miss me. I feel bad for not returning the feeling and yet I know there's fear behind the tunnel vision I enforce on myself. Makes me feel like I want to be left alone but of course I don't like being lonely...

the thrill

2011-04-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

As I sat down to write this I started tripping pretty hard. Seeing my point of view distort alot and my imagination became alot more powerful too. Pretty patterns and colours from nowhere. Now I feel light as a feather and my head feels more separate than usual from my body. Everything's still undulating a little and tilting like I'm out at sea. My psychologist was so right yet again. The thrill is like an adrenaline rush from the danger or lack of control, like someone who enjoys bungee-jumping. Geez, how obvious do my self-destructive ways have to be? I guess it's also like amusement park rides. It's fun to be thrown around a little and get a bit scared because there's no control as a rider. I guess a part of me doesn't want to care anymore, I am getting tired. Because you can't ride over and over again, 24/7 without paying a price. I move through this vicious cycle pretty fast darn it.

sugary potatoes

2011-04-10T13:13:00.000-07:00

I think it might be the combination of the Risperdal with the joints but I've been getting clumsy these days. I still cook quite well, especially since my brother and dad say so. But I think I've gotten messier. I got red pepper powder everywhere at one point and then got way too much brown sugar in the korean style potatoes. I had to add more of everything else but it was still very sweet. It's also hard to be sure of how much I should put in but I just have to force myself not to second guess myself and it always turns out ok. I'm also definitely getting a zombie effect from the Risperdal prescribed to help me. And I hate that. Makes me blank out more, makes me feel more slow and less enthusiastic about things. It's kind of depressing but I guess I'm supposed to give it more of a chance for now.

applause?!

2011-04-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

I was forced to explain to my bro that it's hard for me to really feel any passion or pull from the Lord. It's hard to hear His voice when your stoned all the time and it's one of the worst side-effects of smoking up all the time. Although occasionally it makes it easier to talk to God because it makes spiritual things more real but only sometimes. It also mixes in my own distorted thinking and perceptions and paranoia which makes reality confusing too. Anyways, these are some of the reasons why I want to stop. Why else am I going to put myself in a wretched, locked psychiatric ward again (sometime in May)? At this statement he applauded me. This put me in further distress, why are you applauding me? What did you think I was up to this whole time? And my eyes started to tear up. He probably thought I just didn't give a crap and was just having fun at everyone's expense. These are the stupid little things that bother me.

12 hours

2011-04-08T10:29:00.001-07:00

I did the stupidest and smartest thing the other day. I actually forgot my joints on the front porch and went out all day quite far away. It took me 2 hours to realize they weren't on me and panicked. I considered canceling everything and just going home but I decided to stick it out and see how long I could go. I went to the creative arts small group and chatted, ate, made cookies, played with the baby and then supper and had a cigarette. And pleaded for a beer in the fridge but didn't get it of course. ("I don't want to be an enabler") The activities were great distractions but it was still hard for me. I felt so out of it, shaky, anxious and uncomfortable in my skin and looking in the mirror sober was a little scary. My face kept looking like it was distorting a bit. And then the more depressing thoughts and outlook set in more. I feel jealous of the baby's so far happy, tended-to childhood. And then feel stupid for feeling that. And tired. Tired of feeling. And so I lasted about 12 hours clean and then went home. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it's clear I need in-patient detox afterall. I'll be going in sometime in May. Probably the earlier the better.
One little thing to celebrate: one week no drinking. I hope it lasts at least a year.

self-centred, for now

2011-04-07T08:01:00.000-07:00

I find self-centred people irritating. Unfortunately that is how I am right now myself. I used to beat myself up for this, feeling like an immature teen or something and hating myself even more. But I've realized that it's actually appropriate for me to focus on myself now. I've spent 22 years ignoring, repressing and denying myself in an effort to survive everyday life so now I've got to focus on taking care of myself properly if I'm going to get any better from my disorder and addiction. Must give self more slack...

out of the bag

2011-04-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

I admit I was getting careless, kind of wondering just how far I could go without my dad noticing anything or smelling anything so he found out the other day about my relapse. I talked fast, summarizing my struggles and what's been happening so I think he got the picture. He didn't blow up but told me to get over my mom already it's been many years now and to not do anything that would push him over the edge because he's at his limit and can't help me anymore. I'm not sure what that last part means but anyways that just made me feel even more pressure to feel ok which was very anxiety-inducing. Overall it went over ok I guess. I was expecting it to be worse but it sure was unpleasant.

oh yeah, not kicked out

2011-04-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

After what happened with the two parties I thought for sure I would get kicked out or something similar with threats etc at the group but it actually turned out to be the best session I've had with them. Maybe because I was expecting some sort of disastrous confrontation. But anyway, the therapist basically said I'm having a hard time but am trying so that's good enough and I should consider in-patient detox soon. I suppose it could be the best of two worlds in there, or it could just be hell. One thing's for sure: I can see how I really try people's patience and understanding since my self-control sucks. Thankfully it looks like they have enough for me for now.

to the moon and back

2011-04-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

Do you remember which album was the first you got really obsessed over and absolutely loved? I'm pretty sure mine was Savage Garden, their first album. I must have been around 11 and I was so captivated I listened to it so much I still remember alot of the lyrics today. I recently listened to it again and still loved my favorites but am not as enamoured anymore of the entire album. It's just not the kind of music I listen to much anymore. But I noticed the lyrics of To the Moon and Back seemed ridiculously poignant. I remember my 11 year old self reading them for the first time and thinking, wow the woman he's singing about sounds like a really sad, pitiful person. I'm glad I don't feel like her and that I do have love around me. Or so I desperately thought. Listening again, I realize I'm extremely similar to the woman. Certain treatment by my mom and emotionally distant dad unfortunately have traumatized me. And I most certainly spent alot of my youth just waiting for the right pilot to come, the prince who would save me with his love and company and take me to the moon and back. Now, after spending 5 years with boyfriends I thought were perfect (but of course weren't) I realize they're not the answer. Then, not able to live with myself, I turned to drugs. Now I know they're not the answer either. Maryjane makes an amazing lover and it's so hard to break it off but at the risk of sounding cheezy, I guess Christ is the only one fit to be my pilot. But the lack of physical presence makes it so hard for me to not believe I'm all alone when without people and drugs. I was just so lonely. And still am, somehow. I've been hurt alot but repressed it all for so long. I still don't like to remember or acknowledge. Ah, this is another crack in the numbing dope wall. It's like spying a glance of something nauseatingly disgusting on the other side but it's reality. No wonder I don't want to be sober! There's only so much a person can take.

To The Moon And Back

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smile and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mamma never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from
human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's saying

[chorus:]
I would fly to the moon & back if
you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we
belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was colour blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
Just saying

cracking logic

2011-04-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a while, I feel some relief after seeing my psychologist today. At first it looked like it was gonna go the other way again, starting to feel like my problems are just because I function emotionally like a 2 year old and don't do what I'm told. But then I let out a long rant and he said he heard me better this session. And so I feel relief, like finally someone listened to me. Generally I'm against ranting, it's usually excessive, emotional and not always very logical but it's still a genuine type of self-expression and I was desperate to be heard properly. I didn't relapse just for kicks but for survival. I'd rather get high than be miserable by myself in an ER, possibly losing my mind and hurting myself just to feel one iota better. I'm managing the everyday for now but I'm starting to get tired out and the smoking's efficacy is starting to crack so I need more even as I'm trying to cut down in the program. Thus the best I can do for now is to just contain the amount I use everyday even though the goal is to cut it out completely. And even that is getting hard. I just don't have very many good options or solutions for myself and it's frustrating. I really thought in rehab I would give it up for good, even though the thought was painful. Also, even in rehab where there's constant help from good staff, they still had to send me to a hospital overnight because I was too self-destructive. Anyhow I pray that God would guide me through all of this ultimately. I know He wants me to get better and that's enough for me to keep trying.

cracks

2011-04-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

Ah, the quiet domestic life. Spending most of the time cooking, buying groceries, playing with the cat (Frank), going to church and therapy meetings, seeing friends once in a while... and most often stoned. Honestly not sure how my cooking is actually tasting better, given I can't always remember what I cooked. I can't believe how hard it is to quit the smoking and even the drink is oddly sticky but I haven't drank anything so far this week at least. Which is awesome because it makes it ridiculously hard to drive, especially mixed with other things. But I did go to two parties in one week and both were not good ideas. At one I lost track how many drinks I had and woke up feeling like I was having withdrawal and at the other I only had one drink but also speed and special k. How does that happen when I'm in a drug treatment program? Well, I'm the biggest hypocrite I know, to the point of feeling like different people in my head sometimes. But really, it was; ok it's my friend's birthday I should go and just keep the drinking to nil and everything will be fine. I get there and right away, hmm, these are mostly her husband's friends, not hers, not good. Oh he's got k, I'm so curious what it's like. Wow, thanks for free too? Yeah a little is good, don't want to be in a k-hole. Wooaoow. Oh you have speed too. Could be a good perk-me-up after the sedative effects. Wooo. Now I need to smoke up more to take the edge off. And so on it goes. It's like a chain reaction that's hard to stop until you start feeling unwell from it all. I ended up staring at the table for alot of the night because I felt too woozy to look anywhere else. And of course I did not enjoy the comedown the next day which made me smoke more too. What a study in stupidity. And perhaps desperation. And so, this and other signs are revealing cracks in my artificially peaceful existence. I've got to get more intensive treatment (unfortunately I mean hospital detox) soon-ish. But then I have to deal with May too. It never seems to end. And then I have my bro telling me I haven't accepted what Jesus has done for me yet. It is finished, already. But haven't I already accepted that before? How do you accept something anyways? I'm confused, and yes it's my fault.

responding for tabs

2011-03-25T08:45:00.001-07:00

For some quirky reason I can't comment on my own blog here so I'm just posting it now: I have emailed and will email people the tabs whose links don't work anymore. Just ask in a comment.

some due praise

2011-03-24T06:32:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been increasingly nervous around my dad. Mainly because I could tell he was getting more stressed out from trying to find a family doctor for his high blood pressure. Obviously because of living in mismanaged Quebec, he was getting nowhere and I feared his building frustration would explode in my face unexpectedly. So I finally offered to help the other day and started calling numbers and googling. I also prayed to the Lord in the morning asking for His providence, knowing that without His blessing I would get nowhere. Meanwhile my dad went to the walk-in clinic to see a doctor there that he found to be good from before. Anyways, it didn't take me very long to find a family doctor who was taking new patients and I got an appointment in May! I found something as rare as a diamond in the rough in just a couple hours of searching. Truly thank you Lord. And then when my dad came home he said he was able to convince the doctor at the walk-in clinic to take him as a regular patient! He said the secretary was stunned and told him it was like he won the lottery. In this case twice in one day. Perhaps this is a taste of what it's like when God causes your cup to overflow. I want to be as thankful as possible. Now I can calm down a little around my dad at least.

tragic good-byes

2011-03-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

I can only seem to write this in story/anecdote format:
I saw my psychologist the other day and mentioned that because I'm a small Asian woman, I think it would be pretty hard for me to get addicted to alcohol because I just can't drink all that much overall anyways. Then he mentioned a woman named Sandy that I had made friends with at the psych ward. He said, "Do you remember Sandy? She could really drink." Yeah I remember her well; she was skinnier than me and not much taller but definitely could drink since she told me she was an alcoholic. She said she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and started drinking young because she liked to party. She got married with a like-minded man but as they got older and had two children he stopped the partying but she didn't and now her family is so fed up with her behaviour that her husband was in the process of divorcing her and one of her kids didn't want to see her anymore. We became good friends while living in the ward together, playing alot of card games and walking together. I worried about her even in the ward since she was often on suicide watch which involves an orderly watching everything you do including sleep. She told me and it was obvious that she was going through a depressive episode. And then, after a visit from her children she was completely different. She smiled and laughed and said she felt so much better. The hospital released her soon after that and though we exchanged numbers, we didn't keep in touch. I figured she was busy adapting to the single life, looking after the kids and on the up-swing. As all these memories came up in my head I asked, "Oh yeah. How is she doing anyways? Haven't stayed in touch with her."
"She's dead. She committed suicide 8 months ago."
This sentence was a traumatic shock to the system, especially since I was expecting to hear mostly evasive small-talk. And then I wept. I know I only knew her for maybe two months tops as my psychologist pointed out when I got angry at how flippantly he told me of her death but I wept because it is such a tragic end for an individual who struggled with a lot. I wept over the doubly destructive power of both mental illness and addiction. I wept for her ex and especially her children who are still in grade school. It must have been so hard for them to watch, depend on and understand their unstable mom while growing up at the same time. I'm not sure what my psychologist's intention was in telling me about this, maybe scare me into behaving or some crap? "Death is always around. But we shouldn't let it take away from the life we have now." I know I know but I can't help feeling traumatized. She was a really kind and friendly woman and I really hoped she would get better. I can't believe she's gone too. And of course I'm reminded of my close friend who passed away in November. I met him at the psych ward too. He had ADHD and myriad addiction problems but again, a really nice guy. Having severe mental illness and addiction issues at the same time is looking pretty lethal and tortuous for everyone involved.

another treatment center

2011-03-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

I guess I go through cycles of feeling too worn out and wanting to give up and then picking myself up, by God's grace, to try try again. I think I'm somewhere in the middle these days. I've started at the addictions unit of a hospital downtown so I've got a new individual therapist lady I see once a week and a group session focused on reducing usage to nothing also once a week. The lady is nice but I don't really like the group so much. The man who leads it is lecture-y plus there's only 3 of us but one guy's been sober since November so he'll be changing groups soon and the other is going into the psych ward to detox and stop that way. Which might be a possibility for me too. Anyways, so I'm really the only person in the group. The group leader asked me to give up drinking for a week without smoking more to compensate so I tried that. But I just had to smoke more. The alcohol was helping me keep the smoking relatively low because it's another kind of high. But then St.Patrick's Day threw me off a bit but at least I'm not drinking everyday like I did for the previous 2 or so weeks. I want to be able to enjoy a drink with friends later in life and not slide into trouble. Maybe it's already too late for that hope but it's definitely too late with weed. I know there's plenty of people who smoke up a lot and see no reason to stop but it's different for me. The smoking takes over everything and becomes my number one priority and my main joy in life. It makes it hard to accomplish things/meet goals and obviously stunts my spiritual growth, takes away from my relationship with God and keeps my BPD from improving overall because I can't face it or work on it while high. I have to remind myself of these reasons all the time because I'm always in danger of seeing weed as my saviour. It's my instant happy pill, it fixes everything, makes life livable, turns reality from fear-inducing to fascinating, calms me down, keeps me going... you see what I mean.

eeeehh

2011-03-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

heeey, pretty out of it right now. hello me how are ya? mostly drunk otherwise i wouldn't be writing this right now. weed makes it hard to do anything including typing. but somehow alcohol gives you more energy to do what you really feel like doing. Geez. help. i'm too scared of life. i don't know how i managed before. all the living on the edge, just making deadlines by this much doesn't work anymore. i was super repressed and in denial and that's how i functioned. i thought i was the opposite of what i really was. my case manager says i fell off the horse hard and got trampled too with a few wounds. yikes. now to get out of this mess which i truly do want to do. it's just i'm tired of trying so hard. i tried so hard in rehab, then it was my mom's b-day and then i had nothing left. i need to recharge somehow. i DO want to be sober but at the same time, it's like what's the point? it takes so much effort to feel clear-headed and miserable. but i know that God wants me to be sober and then help others so it has to be a top priority to stay clean. arg.

what I did

2011-03-01T07:52:00.000-08:00

I tried. I really did my best to take care of myself as it became my mom's b-day. I had a few clean friends come over and that was really nice, I cooked for them. Couldn't go out much though because I wasn't clean myself. I spent a week and a half mostly in a sort of trance, tripping balls, riding a roller-coaster I can't remember too well. But, as I reasoned with my psychologist, I figured that would be better than going really nuts and succumbing to the destructive delusional ideas in my head. I was this close to going to the mausoleum, breaking into the glass case of my mom's spot, eating some of her ashes and spreading my blood there. Somehow in my brain I truly felt that that would make everything better and I would feel better too. But of course, there's the more rational side of me which could see that it was a crazy idea. If someone caught me doing it, I'm sure they would have called police, I'd end up in the hospital again etc... plus I would have had to fight my good friend who would have accompanied me since I'm sure she wouldn't just stand by while I snapped. I guess this all makes it pretty obvious how sometimes I really do feel like I'm crazy but at the same time I'm not completely crazy because I can see it. It's confusing. So anyway, I got stoned and tipsy instead. But now, I don't like being sober again. There's too many sharp edges in experiencing life. My mind tortures me. Being sober sucks. Did I even really belong in rehab? I never stuck needles in myself nor was I dying from too much alcohol/crack etc.
But obviously this is a relapse. After only a month since rehab. I feel like I failed. I see people in the 12 step meetings and from rehab who are still clean and so content with their lives. So much happier and free than they were before. One girl with BPD too from rehab said she was chosen to be a speaker at an AA meeting. She suffered way more trauma in childhood than I did, got more addicted to stronger stuff than me and for longer and now she can speak at a meeting while I can't even stay clean a few weeks. And I can't stay friends with most of these people neither because I don't want to trigger them or influence them to slip too. I don't know what to do about my group therapy thing. I'm not sure I want to or can stay completely clean anymore. I'll go crazy without drugs but they will make me more crazy. Damned if I do and don't. Well, one good thing is that it's not February anymore.

what am I gonna do

2011-02-18T14:32:00.000-08:00

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? Oh my God, what's the solution?? Monday is coming up fast, it's already Friday and my mind is spinning, trying to figure out how to get through the next week in one piece. Of course, there's always the easy way out; smoke myself into a stupor until the days pass. But then will I stay clean the week after? I spoke to someone who says drinking would be better because he got really hooked on weed too but I'm not so sure. On the other hand, my mom was really good at drinking and holding her liquor. She bragged about it and made fun of my dad because one drink makes his face turn red. Or I could make a sort of blood sacrifice to physically let my internal pain out, go eat her ashes as I've mentioned before... Honestly I just want to run and hide. And I hate feeling that. It never leads to anything good. Well, let's see, practically speaking I might go to an MA meeting tonight but I'm not sure. Tomorrow a friend has a housewarming but I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to be in a social party environment, Sunday morning I'll go to church and see a friend afterwards. On Monday a good high school friend says she'll probably have time to see me, and I also have appointments with my psychologist and psychiatrist. But none of that covers all the time I have to get through. I need to get rid of this dread and suffering somehow and soon. It's like daily torture and I'm getting worn down to nothing. And yet nothing looks good enough to help. Meanwhile, I can't decide on anything and things around me are moving again. Pictures on my wall are moving like in Harry Potter and I'm sober... at least for now.
God, please do something. Please relieve the pain, deliver me from the anguish. There's only so long I can wait. I just don't understand why I have to go through this yet again.

relapse?

2011-02-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

I can feel it. My mind is twisting everything again. I can't sleep much. I'm getting depressed again. Every moment of life is getting harder to endure and all I can see is condemnation, no matter who I talk to. So I caved and bought hash and got stoned for a whole day. I went and saw my psychologist while high but he was nice about it and continued to treat me normally, saying just to not be too hard on myself for it. I was thankful for that. But later in the week when I went to the group therapy for addicts, I decided to be honest and our leader pointed out, "You've had a few slips with small amounts of pot from your desk, now you purchased more. The pattern is there. You are relapsing." Just great. It's because I need more help than the help I'm getting. My mom's birthday is this Monday and it's really freaking me out. She didn't even try to talk to me more after the group was finished though she declared I'm relapsing. Oh and of course, next week there's no group because she's going on vacation to Mexico. Maybe I should just throw in the towel until it's March. Besides, you can't overdose on it. Also, there was another lady there who used to do crack but is now doing better than me and she said she had a nervous breakdown last week. And all she had to do, instead of using, was call an ambulance and the psychiatrist at the hospital said her meds weren't strong enough so they got her a new prescription. I thought to myself, wow what hospital did you go to? Almost every time I had to go to the ER, sometimes by ambulance, it was condemnation all around. "Uh, does this girl really need an ambulance?" And then ER psychiatrists' words, "I don't know what to do with you. If you want you can stay here and continue to take up a bed in the overcrowded ER." Clearly, the hospital is not an option for me, maybe because of discrimination against my diagnosis I don't know. I just can't seem to get enough help as an out-patient. Pot is there for me when no one else is. Sad as that sounds.
My pastor said I should keep turning to God's Word and reading it at least once a day. I tried, but my mind twisted even God's holy, truthful words into just pure condemnation, rejection and abandonment. Everything I fear the most. My thoughts are becoming more and more about self-harm and I really don't want to go that way yet again but I still don't seem to have any good solutions. It's so frustrating. I wish I could trade brains with someone stable for a little while.
Please, don't you also get frustrated with me too. I'm at least being honest and staying away from the hard crap.

A quiet time for 15 mins

2011-02-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

I used to pray, meditate, read the Bible and then write in my journal every morning when I was a tween. Well, I've never been good at discipline so it wasn't really everyday but I kept it relatively regular. But of course, eventually I couldn't keep it up anymore. So last week I tried again, this time doing deep breathing at the same time as meditating and I felt more calm and energized. It was awesome. While doing so, I had the thought that if Jesus is perfect, then he must have had perfect mental health as well. Yet he still experienced and expressed suffering, anguish, grief and anger and shared it with others. So intense, negative emotions are not bad to have. I guess the trick is what you do with them and to pray about them and then let them go. For some reason that's incredibly difficult for me to do. Anyways, I read a bit in Proverbs and one really struck me: (NLV) 19:8 "To acquire wisdom is to love oneself; people who cherish understanding will prosper." It's the first time I've seen the Bible very clearly stating that you should love yourself. For so long I thought that being humble meant hating yourself and how sinful you are. But as my pastor told me recently, you can only deny the self if you've accepted yourself first. So, as I've always done, I got ahead of myself. Also, it didn't help that I started studying the Bible at the age of 9 by myself with no one to guide me. I already felt mistrustful and rejected by people so I decided I needed no one but God alone, not realizing that God is all about relationships.
Of course, I only did the quiet time once last week and I don't know if it's because the devil didn't like it but I've been slipping and suffering ever since.

starting Via Dolorosa tab

2011-02-11T13:02:00.000-08:00

This is just to let you know I'm starting the tab for Via Dolorosa. It sounds like it won't take too long for me to do. It's parts are generally repetitive and there aren't any insane, time-consuming solos. Still a good song of course. If you just want a help in the right direction to figure it out yourself, it starts with Dm, then Bb to C#. That's all I've got for now.

creative arts Christian small group

2011-02-11T12:16:00.000-08:00

After many weeks of too much fear and anxiety to go, I finally decided I would go to the creative arts small group at my church. And it was wonderful. The couple who runs it were super nice and there was a large range of artistically inclined people in the group. Some have never done anything creative but wanted to try something new and then there were people like me who studied fine arts or photography etc. and everyone in between. One woman showed us her artwork which always had Christian themes and brought us watercolours to try. Though I wasn't a fan of how literal the art followed the themes it was refreshing to see Christianity and art come together kind of like the old days. These days I feel alot of Christians, especially conservative ones, are a little afraid of the arts since the goal is usually to defy the rules, make something different from what already exists. And in this sense, many artists are anti-religious since that's all about following rules and no change. But I think it's wonderful to take seemingly opposite things and smash them together. Like Christian metal! But I haven't seen much compelling Christian visual arts in a post-modern context. I would love to see Christian spirituality (not religion aka. legalism) expressed in a contemporary manner that could also be in a gallery or museum. Besides, themes on the purpose of life, human destiny, human nature and yearnings of the soul can be found in all kinds of secular contemporary artworks. I really want to contribute a subtle Christian twist to all of that. One day. When making artwork doesn't bring so much pressure to my psyche anymore.
Anyways, I'm hoping to become a regular at the group. We'll start doing paintings tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. For now, here's the watercolour I did. I'm pretty satisfied with it. A simple semi-abstract landscape; my favorite to do.

will you think less of me?

2011-02-11T11:51:00.000-08:00

If I relapse back into active addiction, will you think less of me?
If I fall into depression and don't get out much, will you think less of me?
If I complain of feeling too much emotional pain, memories haunting me, will you think less of me?
If I find myself crying because of the smallest things, will you think less of me?
If I start hurting myself, cutting and burning my skin to feel better, will you think less of me?
If I purposely overdose because I can't take it anymore, will you think less of me?
Unfortunately, these are the questions I wonder about with my family and close friends very often. And sometimes I assume the answers are yes. Sometimes their reactions really look like a resounding yes which sends me into despair because it's such an extreme fear of mine; others' judgments of me. And yet, these are all symptoms of having BPD. I have to struggle with them all the time, less when I'm doing better obviously. And I still go for my therapy twice a week and go to MA meetings. But I also know it's quite the burden to know a loved one is always on the edge of crisis and I really hate being a burden. All of this is like holding a contradiction or dichotomy in my head and it feels like torture because I'm always flipping between one side and the other. It's like my suffering and symptoms vs. the well-being of those around me and somewhere inbetween, my responsibility to try to get better. I spoke to my group therapy leader about all this a little and she reminded me, all I can do is my best. So take it one day at a time, do your best and be satisfied with that. Don't worry about whether it's enough or not, or what will happen because what more can you do anyways? I guess I forgot and got ahead of myself because of my fears and past experiences. No wonder some of the main mottos in AA is 'take it one step at a time. Take it one day at a time'.

stigma on mental illness

2011-02-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

I read this in the paper today and felt I had to write about it. (The Gazette, February 9th 2011. Pg A16)
The article said, "Shame and fear often prevents people from seeking treatment. The Canadian Mental Health Association found that more than half of people living with mental disorders said that they were embarrassed about their mental health problems."
I wrote here before about how it's inevitable that if you have mental health issues you are going to be ashamed of them. It's admitting your worst weaknesses and that you're not always sane. But must it really be this way? If someone has heart disease or lung cancer, should they also feel ashamed of them? Of course not. But their lifestyle choices could have contributed them to having the diseases, like smoking or not eating well. And yet, with a lot of mental illnesses, one has very little control over whether you contribute to getting them or not and still the shame is so strong. The brain is just another organ, as the heart and lungs are and all can develop disorders and diseases. It's not our fault so why should we be shamed and embarrassed? As with cancer, we need to be diagnosed properly and go through with appropriate treatments so we suffer less and consequently ease the strain on our loved ones and the health system.
But the public's attitude is generally of not much help either. In the same article they said, "The Canadian Medical Association found 46 per cent of the 1,002 Canadians surveyed for the 2008 National Report Card on Health believed that mental illness was "an excuse for bad behaviour.""
WTF?!! That's a sad percentage of Canadians who are ignorant enough to blame the victims of disease for their symptoms. That's like telling someone with epilepsy to stop trying to get attention by having seizures. As if they're doing it on purpose! It's like telling someone suffering from bad migraines to stop complaining and get on with life. These people are suffering and need treatment and help, not others judging them for it and telling them to just stop crying and get on with life. Believe me, if I could just get on with my life without help, I would've already. No one enjoys self-destructing and hurting the ones they love around them in the process. No one likes going in and out of ERs and psych wards just for the attention. No one has fun losing touch with reality and losing control over oneself.

pot/weed/marijuana/mary jane

2011-02-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

I've noticed more and more studies coming out saying weed can make mental illness appear faster in people already predisposed.
http://www.montrealgazette.com/health/story.html?id=4243830
And then the comments of others on the articles are always disproportionately rage-fueled rants against pharma or conservative conspiracies. Look, I know more than anybody how many benefits there are in smoking but the unfortunate truth is that it all comes at a price. It may not lead directly to death or brain cell death but it still affects the same dopamine system in your brain as alcohol, cocaine and other mood-altering drugs. And so your brain still changes its physiological structure to adapt to the higher levels of dopamine caused by continuous long-standing drug use, including weed use. So you can't kid yourself, the stuff still affects your brain chemicals and it's not all good. It's that cycle in the dopamine system that eventually leads to addiction. Of course, alot of people can use weed and not have it become a problem but just because it doesn't give you problems doesn't mean it doesn't give problems for others.
And then of course there's the stereotype that no one goes to rehab for marijuana. I thought that too. That's partly why I refused to go to rehab for a year though my psychologist kept suggesting it. Well here I am. I went to rehab because of weed mainly. It is my drug of choice. And when I got there I met others who were there because of weed too. It's not just alcoholics and cocaine users. There were also people there only addicted to prescription painkillers, or speed and ecstasy and gamblers who lost everything, and they don't even ingest any substances. Then when I got out, I found Marijuana Anonymous meetings and at the first one I went to, the speaker explained that he got addicted only to marijuana, and it eventually got so bad he started robbing houses to get the money to pay for his habit.
Conclusion: the dangers of marijuana are statistically small but still very real.

a spiritual revelation

2011-02-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

This happened to me back in December but I never got to write it down. I just came out of rehab for my first weekend at home (then I had to go back) and it was also Christmas Eve. One of the biggest skills they want you to remember and use is mindfulness. It just means staying in the present moment, not ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Just being at peace in the present since nothing is threatening your well-being right in the moment. Basically, it's living while fully aware of the present. Getting high or drunk or stressing out like crazy are all opposites of being mindful. So, it was my first weekend home from rehab and I was stressing. Mainly because my family did no shopping whatsoever so I had to run around before stores closed and because I didn't have my usual crutch to deal with the stress. But I remembered I had a bit of a joint left in my desk and so I caved and smoked it. And then God spoke to me. I felt a spiritual connection open up (I'm sure partly because I was high) and God said to me, "Do you know the most important reason why you should be mindful of the present? It is because every moment of your life is a gift from Me. So, every time you try to run away from it with drugs or become troubled by the past or future, you are not appreciating my gift." It was a eureka moment. Aha! That's the true spiritual reason why one shouldn't be out of it all the time, aside from it just being bad for you overall. I'm so glad to know this, but alas, it doesn't make the cravings any less. But anyway, I hope this is a foundation I can build on.

the progression thus far

2011-02-07T18:51:00.000-08:00

I know I'm heading for a dip right now but overall I know I'm still progressing too. I guess the road to recovery from BPD and addiction is really up and down but always still overall going up. Even if it feels super slow sometimes. For example, I know so much more about myself and how I think than I ever did in my entire life. By extension, I'm more honest with myself and God than I ever was in my life. I can admit that my mind is disordered, that I can't stand being alone, I don't know who I am and even small things can scare the shit out of me. And that I have become an addict and do need fellowship with others, no one can live like an island. I tried. Also, I can't judge or look down on anyone anymore. I used to feel a bit self-righteous when it came to people like the homeless, or drug addicts and prostitutes but I can't look down on them anymore. I am an addict and if it wasn't for my family I would be on the streets too. These people, along with the mentally ill and drug dealers and others on the edge of society are generally downtrodded, broken or suffering in some way. Now that I suffer so much myself, I can't look down on anyone for it. And I'm sure God is glad of this new attitude in me. It's so easy when you've got it together to look down on those who don't, like why can't you get yourself together? I did it so everyone else should be able to. You must be lazy or something. Oh how ignorant and pompous I was. This is progress, my heart is maturing in some way and this is something the devil can never take away from me, no matter how close to death I may have come or yet come to.