married life

My husband just made 6 slices of french toast and used up 7 extra large eggs...

The black hole and the volcano

I'm not sure I've written this before but whenever I try to picture what's in my heart/soul/whatever that's me inside my body I only see black nothingness and feel a black hole there. It is terrifying to sense it there, its powerful destructive force always threatening to annihilate me. Sometimes I can mostly ignore it though I could always feel a sort of desperation underneath my daily activities. But some other times I would panic and try to numb all my senses to better ignore it which only sped up my self-destruction and drove me closer to the black hole. This obviously becomes a vicious cycle where I am propelled ever closer to the black hole and I begin to lose my judgment, my principles, my memories, my passions, hope, endurance and connection with others until I can only see darkness. Eventually, because I have so little of me left to endure the fear and pain, suicide seems to be the only option. I see that this is the process that drove me for the last 7 years, somtimes slowly sometimes quickly. 

I wanted to explain where I think the black hole came from and the volcano part but this is upsetting me and I just want to relax today. I'm gonna play random games, knit socks and watch Netflix or something. Not that I haven't been relaxing. I've been doing those things for several days now. I've hardly left the apartment in a week. I really hope this is because I just really need it to de-stress from getting married and not because I'm avoiding things or something. I've also still been processing the past a lot in my head which takes more energy I think.

maybe finally processing the past

I've been getting the feeling these days that I am looking back a lot and for a bit I tried to fight it, you know not supposed to dwell on the past etc. But then I think maybe I need to. I thought at first that I had done this already seeing that my usual triggers are things from the past that land me in the hospital sometimes. But actually all I've really done through that horrible cycle is to just react to my past, mostly by rejecting it and not being able to tolerate it. I would try to pull the plug on my life out of sheer desperation and panic as a reboot that could kill the computer but hey, what choice do I have? Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Thankfully I am not that desperate any more. I think (and hope) that I've finally learned not to make my situation worse by self-destruction. But now I am left with a nostalgic bittersweet kind of surreal feeling underneath all my thoughts. Maybe it's time to fully understand what happened to me as a child, accept it and move on. 

I feel like an idiot and my grandma is dying

Like a self-centered bratty young child. I don't know how but I missed the bus going home from the mental hospital (for the DBT) by standing at the stop and looking at my phone for one minute. I looked up and suddenly no one was there any more and no bus for another 22 minutes. I got so upset. I called my husband and complained and whined and decided that that was it, I'm gonna have to smoke up when I get home and then some yelling at him to take me off speakerphone so I don't hear the echo of myself freaking out over nothing leading to more self-hatred. I hate how I sound when I hear myself talking. Anyway, this all also felt ironic because the intro to the DBT skills group included an explanation of some of the major symptoms of BPD like magnifying or catastrophizing which is exactly what I just did. I took missing the bus and turned it into some huge deal that somehow proves that I am incapable of anything good.

Which of course feeds my distress which requires immediate relief so I smoke up even though I didn't want to today. I tend to tell myself that if I'm cutting down, then I'll only smoke up if there's an emergency. But almost everyday there is a fucking emergency. It feels like I want life to slow down a bit but that's impossible so I'm just getting dragged along instead. What is also looming over me is the fact that I have to go see my dying grandmother in pretty much a week. Just thinking about it right now is overwhelming. She's the strongest person I know alive right now. My grandfather's quirks put her through so much suffering but she was always calm and kind at least to my brother and I. I know it was hard for her because she would call my mom and drain and annoy her by always venting and complaining to her about my grandfather or whatever other troubles she had. But things improved in later years. I know her faith brought her through to the better side. And I know that she has always had loving concern for us. I'll never forget what she told me when I finally explained my mental health problems and addictions to her and my grandfather. She said, "You suffer so much because you are too talented in many things." Honestly I'm not sure exactly what she meant but it definitely isn't condemnation or judgement which is what I expected. I think I'll make her sesame seed cookie recipe soon. We loved them growing up and assumed it was some tradition of my grandma's from Korea. When I asked her where she got it from she said it was from a Japanese cooking magazine. lol

I'm in happiness debt

Getting high is like borrowing feel good chemicals from your brain for the present moment instead of the future moments they are meant for. It's like you got a credit card for the first time. And of course what happens is you end up in debt. And of course debt is always harder than you think it is to get out of. And then it compounds and can spiral out of control as you keep borrowing just to stay sane and deal with life's unforeseen shit. Well I'd like to start paying it off. This means exposing myself to life's shit without getting high. Sigh. Well that can't be so bad can it? I don't even remember what I was running from anyway. I think the shit has subsided somewhat in my life right now and as much as I would love to just keep running away to give myself a break, I need to keep moving on. God I hate that though. I'm bad at moving on. The past still haunts me I think. And the memories of being traumatized by the past haunt me too so it's like an inescapable haunting inception thing. I'm pretty sure this is why I have such a bad memory for anything. People used to make fun of me for it. A friend in high school used to say that she was on the highway but I was on the service road and it frustrated her. Well, it frustrates me too. Still. But I see now why my memory is so self-centered. I only remember what I want to remember. It was and is an old way I figured out probably when I was young to deal with stressful situations. But it has it's drawbacks and I don't know how to stop it. Anyway, went off on a tangent. I think. I'm just so confused these days. Maybe the point of all this is that I am becoming a pillar of salt.
No wait, the main point here is that I'm hoping to stay clean tomorrow. Full 24 hours. But I'm starting DBT group therapy again tomorrow afternoon at my case worker's insistence. I so badly don't want to go. It'll be my third attempt and every time it is stressful as hell. You talk about difficult things with complete strangers whose problems are just as intense as yours. You can cut the tension in the air with a knife. It sucks.

OMG i'm married and tired and annoyed

Wow. Our wedding was incredibly awesome! For once, a day in my life where my mental illnesses can't trick me into thinking that no one cares since there they all were, right in front of my eyes. My favourite family and friends (and of course the random ppl you don't know at all because they are your parents friends etc). All very clearly moved and celebrating an exciting life decision you made with your favourite person on earth. The planning of it very nearly drove us literally crazy (we might be over the edge now...) but we did our best and left the rest in God's hands on our special day.

Looking over our almost first month being married, I realized that there isn't just us 2 any more but also God to whom we committed our lives and to each other. Which is incredible. I see now I was right to put the focus on Him during the wedding and to go through it all in the first place because it publicly announces that we live for Jesus and are united with His love. Because, looking back, if I was not Christian I would not ever put myself through that ever! The wedding was an immense source of stress and always incredibly expensive even when you think you are being thrifty. It's like a public works project, expect to add more 0s than you thought you would to your budget.

Now we are annoyingly married. We've been irritating each other so much lately. I think there is this horrible momentum to the self-neglect that was necessary to plan the wedding and now it's hard to slow it down. The apartment got so bad that even I couldn't ignore it any more when I noticed mold growing under the seat of our toilet about a week or two after the wedding. It was the cherry on top of months of no cleaning anything at all. I nearly had a panic attack and considered sleeping somewhere else. Instead we spent hundreds on a cleaning service. We don't sleep normal or regular hours nor do we eat on any kind of schedule. And I'm tired from my meds interacting with the pot so I sleep a lot. We're trying to get back on track in life but I'm not sure it's working. At least we haven't clearly failed I guess. I got our cat to the vet for a check-up (she's good), I got myself to a doctor for random physical problems and the apartment isn't a disaster any more...

What's the most epic reading while eating breakfast? The Bible!

I'm typing on an old iPad and I'm stoned and lazy so grammar may become a problem.

Anyway when I was still living at my dads I would often be late in the mornings because I love reading something while I eat breakfast and he got the newspaper everyday. Since I have moved out and ended up on welfare which isn't really enough for anything including a newspaper subscription, I would just sit at the table for breakfast reading the garbage or cereal boxes in front of me over and over again. I've done all the puzzles on the back of honeycomb cereal boxes maybe 50 times and they're for young children so yeah I got bored. And so one day maybe a month or two ago I thought to myself, what should I read that would be better and not only better but the best thing to read in the morning? Duh the Bible! Usually when I decide to read the Bible I feel very serious like I'm studying it which is fine except that I think the gravity of it all can make it hard to want to sometimes. In a moment of high clarity I realized its really just good to be exposed to God's word as much as possible so I just started at the beginning and read almost every morning and now I'm in Exodus where God is in the middle of giving all those laws and instructions to Moses. Amazingly whether I'm high or not I always learn so much about God's character and just so many random awesome details of how divine love works. So even though there's so much shit going on right now I'm still holding it together and I feel like God's word is the glue.

Something I thought about this morning while reading is the idea of wrestling with God. One of the laws given to Moses mentioned something like if something bad happened to you, you can bring it before God because He let it happen. He's not the source of it but He could have stopped it and didn't.  This sounded weird to me because I'm not in the habit of blaming God for anything and/or hating Him when things go wrong. Although I did get pretty close when my mom died. I just blamed our sinful natures and the spiritual forces of evil. Also, He's the source of all that is good so I figured I should be always thankful. But the truth is also that He could have stopped any of the times I got hurt by others  and I feel like its happened a lot. And this is something I have never let myself think about before. I have the feeling that it is important to grapple with this concept to grow closer to God. So as I think about it now I realize that God uses the darkness of evil and suffering to show us just how incredibly bright His goodness and glory is. We are limited beings who need contrast to see and understand things. He uses evil for good like how He used peoples greed and fear within the establishment to end up raising Jesus from the dead and saving us all in the process. He used death to bring life to everyone. Crazy. Mind-blowing. 

So clearly all the hurts and pains I've suffered are all part of the massive and intricate plan God has to save us from evil. I'll never see the big picture in this lifetime but after reading some of the laws God gave to Moses it is obvious that He thinks of absolutely everything and everyones well-being always.

summary of end of 2015 and beginning of 2016

So it looks like I ended on a high note in October. It was so amazing. I could wake up in the morning and feel excited for the new day. But I knew it couldn't last. Mostly because nothing lasts in this world. And so I caught a cold around end of November I think. And that brought my mood down a bit. And then I was excited about Christmas but also forgot just how stressful it can be. So as the holidays approached, I got more and more stressed out by the buying of presents and seeing family on both sides at parties.

Then New Year's Eve I couldn't go to my friend's party because of some sort of dosage error with one of my meds. At the same time I had a very painful sensation in my mouth that just kept getting worse. Finally I decided to go to the ER for the pain under my tongue because it was just so bad. I could barely swallow or eat anything. They saw me quickly and said it was just a bad ulcer and it would go away by itself. But I told them I was in a lot of pain and they were just like 'here's a prescription for Oxy'.

Apparently Oxy is basically heroin and so of course I loved it and went nuts. I took anti-histamines in hopes of making the high stronger, I took other anti-anxiety meds at the same time for the same reason. I tried crushing and sniffing it etc.

Just when I was getting over that brief period of madness we found out that my fiance's mom had seizures and they found a tumour in her brain. We thought she was gonna die. She thought she was gonna die. And I thought my world was ending. I felt that she was a mom to me and I just freaked out about possibly losing yet another mother figure. I went into crisis mode and decided the only way I could postpone going crazy enough to get locked up again was to drink. And it worked. I stayed out of the hospital and was able to visit my SO's mom instead. And I would get lightly drunk every now and then. I stopped drinking again after 3 weeks.

Actual miracle here:
The brain surgeon was sure it was gonna be cancer when he did the biopsy. Turned out it was actually an infection! Which is weird and rare. But the treatment is simply really strong antibiotics and then it's gone. It's not comfortable but is still way better than getting cancer treatments. Super lucky!

It would be another month or so before I finally started to feel better and I decided I would establish healthy routines like reading the Bible and meditating.I used an app on my phone to keep me on track. It was great. I finally felt connected and clear-minded with God.

Unfortunately at the same time my fiance was feeling worse and worse. He was already depressed before the New Year and the whole thing with his mom's health just made it worse. I have never seen him so down.

Long story short, the roller-coaster ended with pot. I just try to keep the apartment from exploding with messes, do some wedding planning, see friends and smoke up in the evenings.

I know. I can't really justify it to myself. But we're pissed at most of the people at MA and I just can't believe how much fun it is to get stoned.

I hate being an addict and I can't help but love it too. Something about reckless abandoning of cares you can't let go of.

Wow I spent a lot of time without a computer

Hello,
I finally gathered a pitiful amount of willpower and my fiance gathered enough effort to fix my old desktop computer. From about the last post till now I have just been using my smartphone for most things and got too lazy to want to type much on a touchscreen. Anyway, lots of crazy shit happened since the last post. I can't even summarize enough to give a rough idea. I'm just happy to have this computer working again. Mostly for the silly card games and minesweeper. I'll try to write more regularly now.

I'm in a force field of happiness!

I am sorry if I am sounding annoying being all happy and stuff, honestly I almost annoy myself but it's me being happy so...
This happiness is very resilient. Things that usually trigger me just don't have the same gut-punching impact they used to have. Examples:

- If someone talks about my mom I'm fine and can joke about her too.

- Me, my dad and my fiance took advantage of the very last nice day of summer and walked around the gigantic cemetery my mom is at and visited her. I felt sad and missed her extremely but I still felt good about myself and life and stuff. Crazy!

- Using dreams don't upset me any more.

- My dad talked about possibly reconciling with his possibly ex-wife who put him half a million in debt. I drained myself completely earlier in the year trying to convince him 100% that he should leave her and kick her ass in court but when he told me about reconciling last week, I was stressed but was still able to just let it go. It's his life.

- I feel like I'm not ugly even though I weigh more than before

- Kids with their moms make me happy instead of triggering upset feelings about my childhood

- A good friend of mine just got engaged and will have a massive Italian wedding. I feel happy for her and am not comparing what her wedding will be like to mine.

- I don't care if there's enough black on my wedding dress any more, I'm not going to have black beading added on for an extra 450$

Interestingly there was a couple hours one day where I got pretty upset, so upset that I became drained and had to nap and hide in my bed. I saw a video on facebook by Samaritan's Purse showing refugees from Syria coming to the shores of the island of Lesbos, Greece. The boats looked flimsy and overcrowded. Sometimes empty boats would show up. I can't really remember the details now but it was shocking and heartbreaking and I got so sad for the suffering. I can't imagine fleeing my home and country just to survive.

I guess I'm still sensitive but perhaps it can be used to care for others.

Weeee! Am I high or something?!

It's official. I am so weirded out by my mood this past 2 weeks. I'm actually really happy. REALLY happy. WTF?! I can't remember any time in my life where I might have felt like this, not even when I was a kid (which I guess is not really that surprising seeing as I was my mom's emotional punching bag). The closest is probably when I was in Gr.11 and first year of cegep? Over 10 years ago. I wake up happy, even if I had using dreams! I'm happy even though we have no money! I'm happy even though my dearest fiance still feels lost an depressed in life! I'm happy even though I am not efficient with my time! I'm happy even though my nails are horrendously long from being to lazy to cut them and I can't remember the last time I took a shower and I stink! WHATS HAPPENING TO ME. I'm almost having a panic attack over how happy I am.

Well, I'm gonna just try and enjoy it and be thankful for this. It feels like God has finally given me relief and freedom from my pain. I don't know if this will last or if I'm gonna go into mania but for now, I don't feel like I'm journeying through a desert any more. Perhaps it's an oasis? Maybe I just needed a break from responsibilities. It feels real good to not worry about going to class. And perhaps I'm finally on the right combo of meds.

Mental Illness Awareness Week is almost over!

I am happy to see campaigns on social media and media in general about fighting the stigma surrounding mental illness but it makes me wonder... should I step out and identify myself on this blog? Do I have the courage? Would it be helpful or worth it for others? Would it actually be bad for me? The only places where I am open about my mental illnesses is at 12 step meetings and church. I've already spoken at least twice to my whole church about my struggles. I suppose it's pretty obvious on facebook since I often post about mental health... I suppose what's stopping me the most is that this blog has details of other people and I want to respect their privacy. Oh well, just a thought.

in hindsight of my summer

I was talking about myself to someone at Bible study and I realized a few things as I said them. The beginning of my summer was pretty good this year as I was barely able but actually did finish my semester and with great marks to boot. And then I got excited to plan my wedding. Little did I know that my heart was in the wrong place to deal with that kind of significant planning. I had been spiritually weak. I wasn't really spending time with God and didn't pray much if at all about the wedding planning. I went into full perfectionist princess mode ie. bridezilla and quite self-centered. I started to notice it but I couldn't stop it myself. I tried and started hating myself instead. And that is not a good state to deal with everything the idea of getting married triggers (at least for me):

- It's a lifetime commitment and I don't have a good track record of stability in relationships
- His parents are my parents now. I'm scared because my parents were not comforting and it's another set of people possibly judging me
- His brother and sisters are my siblings too now. 2 are doctors and in general they all seem so normal and functional
- His extended family is mine too. They have large gatherings where they show so much love to each other. This feels weird for me because my family is not like that. I feel like a freak trying to fit in
- I miss my mom more. I wish she was here to meet my fiance and his family and help me plan the wedding
- No sense of identity to begin with and now I'm changing it to being married

So all these thoughts and the planning itself and hating being a princess and being confused about who I am combined and dragged me down into self-destruct mode. Finally, I understand better what happened to me to end up locked up again this year.

Hearts

Woo I just barely won a game of Hearts! It is now 3:20 am...

I'm a happy creep

Happy? Not distressed? Not anxious? Not hating myself? Actually kind of proud of myself? Happy to talk with people? A stillness or peace in my soul? WHO AM I?

I better not over-analyze it because I might ruin it that way but I've been feeling pretty good on and offish for about 2 weeks now. Certainly there are some issues these days, mostly going to bed a bit too late and spending a lot of time looking at silly/fun/interesting stuff on the internet. I might be tiring out my friends on facebook... And playing Mario Galaxy 2. I've also been playing card games on the computer, I love Spider Solitaire with 2 suits. Anyway, I know that it is a kind of precarious situation I'm in. I have TONS of free time. Which can increase laziness and I was afraid it would and maybe it has but not very badly I think. Because what I'm so happy about is mainly how it went last week when I led Bible study in Mark and starting the 12 steps again with a new sponsor in MA. I'm finally working on my spiritual life and it feels awesome. I had a great bonding time with my brother but this left me with little time to prepare to lead the discussion in Bible study later that day. I was so anxious. But once it got started it went so well. Everyone had interesting things to say and there was a good mix of joking around too. I felt it was the perfect combo of learning about God through Jesus' teachings and actions, getting to know each other and having a good time. I was useful! God used me for His glory and that's the best feeling in the world, doing what I was created to do.

Another big reason I'm happy with myself: I sometimes like to read the comments on this blog and I noticed that a few years ago I was so scared and paranoid of people that I couldn't even email someone half way across the world who was wishing me well. And that's when it hit me. I'm not paranoid of people any more and I didn't even notice it happening. This problem used to bother me a lot because as Christians we are called to be shepherds to those around us and to be a successful shepherd you have to at least like or love the sheep (meaning those around us). But I spent most of my life either being scared of people, hating everyone and everything including myself, or only seeing the dark side of human nature. In other words, I hated sheep. I wasn't looking at them properly. Now I think I am starting to get a more truthful perspective on humanity partly thanks to 12 step meetings and church/small group because they put me in situations where I talk to strangers and get to know them over time. It used to terrify me to talk to a stranger but it has usually been a blessing when I did.

Oh boy, what happened to not analyzing this too much... I admit I'm a bit worried it will abruptly end and I will crash but whatever, I'm enjoying the moment. And fall. This is my favourite season.

Oh yeah, I say I'm a happy creep because I looked through some old pictures and found 2 of my favourite nurse at the psych ward. He wasn't really allowed to but he let me take the photos so I could draw him later (I drew portraits of people in the hospital to pass the time). He told me to delete them when I was done but I didn't. And never will! MUHAHAHA. Yeah I like looking at him sometimes. He's somehow so charming and cool and chill and caring... I have good memories of chatting with him, although he did get mad at me sometimes like when I tried to hide a knife from supper to use on myself later but I dropped it and he was like "BUSTED".

Well, on that slightly less uplifting note, I will go to bed now since it's 1:33 AM and try to not stay up until several hours later like I have been lately.

OK I'm putting my foot down, on my new addiction to the internet

I made the difficult decision a month ago to take a semester off from school to seriously work on my spiritual life so that I may use God's strength and not my pitiful usual amount of strength when it comes to dealing with life. I've HAD IT. I've been hospitalized for my mental illnesses about 14 times now in 6 years. It's RIDICULOUS. I saw a new psychiatrist at the Douglas and he said I'm a severe case of BPD. And that really means something coming from a doctor working at a mental hospital. I almost feel like I won a medal or something. I'm severely sick! Finally people believe me and that my suffering is real! And also discouraged. He made it sound like my small local hospital is not equipped to deal with me and that I have not really gotten better in 6 years of treatment. I got used to my doctors telling me that I have progressed a lot and that I'm really not that bad any more. But they reminded me that I have accomplished some things.

Things to be proud of:
I moved out of my dad's house 2 years ago.
I stopped taking drugs and drinking
I am a straight A student in university
I know how to pay bills now and have stopped over-shopping for shoes and clothing
I go to MA meetings twice a week
I go to Bible study once a week and actually led the discussion this week and it was awesome.

But always the addicted one I have instead spent far too much time on facebook everyday. I'm really living like a bum. Haven't cleaned the apartment in forever, haven't showered in over a week, asking for money from dad because we've been putting off applying for welfare because we're so lazy, I have become a Minesweeper and Hearts expert...

So I am putting my foot down. By writing this post I am telling myself to get my act together. First 2 goals: return to normal sleep schedule by going to bed latest 2 am and finish forms for welfare.

Also, I got a new sponsor for AA/MA. Must do the homework she gave me by tomorrow.

a 6 week nightmare

It's been a month or almost since I got out of psych wards. That's right, plural hospitals. Locked up for 6 weeks first in my usual local hospital then in the Douglas ICU which is a mental hospital in their Intensive Care Unit. I went completely nuts. I saw all these little warning signs like mood swings and craving drugs and suicidal thoughts but I kept thinking, I don't have a reason to feel this way right now. The only thing on my plate was wedding planning. But I guess I just couldn't take it any more. I brought a knife to my psychologist appointment and at the end of the session I was like, I think I'm made out of lead and I need to cut myself to see if it's true. So I cut myself and I was planning to threaten him if he tried to stop me but he knew how to stop me. He grabbed my hand holding the knife and said, if you don't let go we can't work together any more. And he walked me to the ER which is across the street. And that's how the nightmare began. I'll write more about what happened but for now my concentration is worse since being hospitalized.

Who does Jesus love?

Would you shake someone's hand if you knew they were HIV positive? Would you want to get to know someone even if you knew they were transgendered or don't identify with one particular gender? Do you find it easy to make fun of 'trannies'? It's normal to feel confused or initially wary of something or someone novel but it's never ok to trample on another human being's rights. Adults should know better than to reject others just because they don't understand someone. I believe in Jesus and I know if He was on earth today in human form He would love to hang out with the homeless, the mentally ill, the drug addicts, the LGBT community, the disabled, the elderly, the poor, the prostitutes and anyone who has been stigmatized or forgotten by society. In fact I think as a Christian we should be praying for these individuals and the people who persecute them. As a member of some of these groups I know how unfair it is to be labelled and then seen as something less than human. The last shall be first and the first shall be last.

This was written after I heard a friend's story of being persecuted for sharing that he is gay and HIV positive and how it is a struggle. Personally, I'm not sure if it is a sin to be gay or change your gender or in other words, if doing those things block you from God. But I do know that even if they are sins, all sins are equal in God's eyes (though some have more bad consequences than others) and we are all sinners. None of us are in a position to judge another sinner. For example, when I was still using drugs 24/7 but still attended a small group from church, they truly showed me God's love by still accepting me and letting me be a part of the group. They of course did not tolerate me using drugs in their presence but they still let me be me and be equal even though I always came high. I will be forever grateful especially for the small group leader who is a mother and still let me in her house. I was in the depths of despair and they shone a light in my darkness. They showed me that I was/am more than just a mentally ill drug addict.

sober life so far

So I feel better now. The wedding planning is moving along. I thought I would reflect on how life is without drinking or using drugs. It's been over a month now. It feels pretty good. I'm just relieved that I don't have to calculate in my head before every time I drink exactly how many drinks I should have and the anxiety of knowing I would probably go over that anyway. No risk of falling and hitting my head again, no public drunken stupidness and no throwing up and hangovers. It's pretty awesome! Of course, it's the summer and Montreal is famous for beautiful terrasses to drink on so sometimes I miss it a bit but it just isn't worth the short amount of pleasure it gives compared to all the risks. And it gives me the freedom to go to AA, CA meetings on top of the MA meetings I've been going to which really lets me go deeper into the 12 step program which is an amazing program of spiritual growth and miraculous personal change. Hey maybe it will even help me be more functional with school!

I don't like having real parents

that tell me what to do. I realized this after crying and getting really down on myself after I talked with the in-laws about the wedding budget. I'm just not used to it. My dad was always in his own bubble and never told me not to do anything when growing up. I knew I could always get my way with him. My mom hated being a mom and insisted I think of her as a sister or friend and then of course she was sick with cancer for most of my life. No one told me what to do. My mom and I argued over minor things like what I was wearing but nothing like 'you have a curfew or can't go there or etc'. I don't think I ever got grounded for anything. And I could always buy what I wanted. So now I'm a princess. A Christian, metalhead, goth, addict, mentally ill princess. That combo doesn't even make any sense. How can I be materialistic and spiritual at the same time? I'm just a mix of extremes and I hate it.
Today at AA I shared that I feel like I live in a valley surrounded by snow-capped mountains. It takes just a pebble to fall and it triggers avalanches of emotions that bury me. Just because the in-laws are trying to be reasonable, I fucking hate myself all over again. I thought I got over this problem dammit.
And now I miss my mom. Another contradictory feeling. I wish she could be with me and I wonder what she would say as I planned my wedding. I wonder if she would make me more upset or be helpful. Probably both. Hating myself and missing my mom. What a poisonous combination...