self-centred, for now

I find self-centred people irritating. Unfortunately that is how I am right now myself. I used to beat myself up for this, feeling like an immature teen or something and hating myself even more. But I've realized that it's actually appropriate for me to focus on myself now. I've spent 22 years ignoring, repressing and denying myself in an effort to survive everyday life so now I've got to focus on taking care of myself properly if I'm going to get any better from my disorder and addiction. Must give self more slack...

out of the bag

I admit I was getting careless, kind of wondering just how far I could go without my dad noticing anything or smelling anything so he found out the other day about my relapse. I talked fast, summarizing my struggles and what's been happening so I think he got the picture. He didn't blow up but told me to get over my mom already it's been many years now and to not do anything that would push him over the edge because he's at his limit and can't help me anymore. I'm not sure what that last part means but anyways that just made me feel even more pressure to feel ok which was very anxiety-inducing. Overall it went over ok I guess. I was expecting it to be worse but it sure was unpleasant.

oh yeah, not kicked out

After what happened with the two parties I thought for sure I would get kicked out or something similar with threats etc at the group but it actually turned out to be the best session I've had with them. Maybe because I was expecting some sort of disastrous confrontation. But anyway, the therapist basically said I'm having a hard time but am trying so that's good enough and I should consider in-patient detox soon. I suppose it could be the best of two worlds in there, or it could just be hell. One thing's for sure: I can see how I really try people's patience and understanding since my self-control sucks. Thankfully it looks like they have enough for me for now.

to the moon and back

Do you remember which album was the first you got really obsessed over and absolutely loved? I'm pretty sure mine was Savage Garden, their first album. I must have been around 11 and I was so captivated I listened to it so much I still remember alot of the lyrics today. I recently listened to it again and still loved my favorites but am not as enamoured anymore of the entire album. It's just not the kind of music I listen to much anymore. But I noticed the lyrics of To the Moon and Back seemed ridiculously poignant. I remember my 11 year old self reading them for the first time and thinking, wow the woman he's singing about sounds like a really sad, pitiful person. I'm glad I don't feel like her and that I do have love around me. Or so I desperately thought. Listening again, I realize I'm extremely similar to the woman. Certain treatment by my mom and emotionally distant dad unfortunately have traumatized me. And I most certainly spent alot of my youth just waiting for the right pilot to come, the prince who would save me with his love and company and take me to the moon and back. Now, after spending 5 years with boyfriends I thought were perfect (but of course weren't) I realize they're not the answer. Then, not able to live with myself, I turned to drugs. Now I know they're not the answer either. Maryjane makes an amazing lover and it's so hard to break it off but at the risk of sounding cheezy, I guess Christ is the only one fit to be my pilot. But the lack of physical presence makes it so hard for me to not believe I'm all alone when without people and drugs. I was just so lonely. And still am, somehow. I've been hurt alot but repressed it all for so long. I still don't like to remember or acknowledge. Ah, this is another crack in the numbing dope wall. It's like spying a glance of something nauseatingly disgusting on the other side but it's reality. No wonder I don't want to be sober! There's only so much a person can take.

To The Moon And Back

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smile and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mamma never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from
human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's saying

[chorus:]
I would fly to the moon & back if
you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we
belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was colour blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
Just saying

cracking logic

For the first time in a while, I feel some relief after seeing my psychologist today. At first it looked like it was gonna go the other way again, starting to feel like my problems are just because I function emotionally like a 2 year old and don't do what I'm told. But then I let out a long rant and he said he heard me better this session. And so I feel relief, like finally someone listened to me. Generally I'm against ranting, it's usually excessive, emotional and not always very logical but it's still a genuine type of self-expression and I was desperate to be heard properly. I didn't relapse just for kicks but for survival. I'd rather get high than be miserable by myself in an ER, possibly losing my mind and hurting myself just to feel one iota better. I'm managing the everyday for now but I'm starting to get tired out and the smoking's efficacy is starting to crack so I need more even as I'm trying to cut down in the program. Thus the best I can do for now is to just contain the amount I use everyday even though the goal is to cut it out completely. And even that is getting hard. I just don't have very many good options or solutions for myself and it's frustrating. I really thought in rehab I would give it up for good, even though the thought was painful. Also, even in rehab where there's constant help from good staff, they still had to send me to a hospital overnight because I was too self-destructive. Anyhow I pray that God would guide me through all of this ultimately. I know He wants me to get better and that's enough for me to keep trying.

cracks

Ah, the quiet domestic life. Spending most of the time cooking, buying groceries, playing with the cat (Frank), going to church and therapy meetings, seeing friends once in a while... and most often stoned. Honestly not sure how my cooking is actually tasting better, given I can't always remember what I cooked. I can't believe how hard it is to quit the smoking and even the drink is oddly sticky but I haven't drank anything so far this week at least. Which is awesome because it makes it ridiculously hard to drive, especially mixed with other things. But I did go to two parties in one week and both were not good ideas. At one I lost track how many drinks I had and woke up feeling like I was having withdrawal and at the other I only had one drink but also speed and special k. How does that happen when I'm in a drug treatment program? Well, I'm the biggest hypocrite I know, to the point of feeling like different people in my head sometimes. But really, it was; ok it's my friend's birthday I should go and just keep the drinking to nil and everything will be fine. I get there and right away, hmm, these are mostly her husband's friends, not hers, not good. Oh he's got k, I'm so curious what it's like. Wow, thanks for free too? Yeah a little is good, don't want to be in a k-hole. Wooaoow. Oh you have speed too. Could be a good perk-me-up after the sedative effects. Wooo. Now I need to smoke up more to take the edge off. And so on it goes. It's like a chain reaction that's hard to stop until you start feeling unwell from it all. I ended up staring at the table for alot of the night because I felt too woozy to look anywhere else. And of course I did not enjoy the comedown the next day which made me smoke more too. What a study in stupidity. And perhaps desperation. And so, this and other signs are revealing cracks in my artificially peaceful existence. I've got to get more intensive treatment (unfortunately I mean hospital detox) soon-ish. But then I have to deal with May too. It never seems to end. And then I have my bro telling me I haven't accepted what Jesus has done for me yet. It is finished, already. But haven't I already accepted that before? How do you accept something anyways? I'm confused, and yes it's my fault.

responding for tabs

For some quirky reason I can't comment on my own blog here so I'm just posting it now: I have emailed and will email people the tabs whose links don't work anymore. Just ask in a comment.