grief hangover

I actually feel better today. Not totally recovered from Monday but still much calmer. I think I am slowly being turned right side in with my tougher wiser adult self on the outside where it should be and my fragile inner child back on the inside. I kinda feel like I have a grief hangover. Not drunk with sorrow but still worn out and kind of stunned and slow though much improved. It's weird. And is complicating deciding whether to take a summer course that started this week or not. I'm gonna wait for Friday and ask my psychologist. I just can't decide and asking God for wisdom is hard right now. Well I better try to stay on the bright side. Thank you Lord for my dreams not being from my PTSD any more and finally peaceful sleep. I even dreamt I got to meet Alexi Laiho from Children of Bodom and it was amazing. I also thank you Lord for good friends and family and the support of MA meetings and the power of prayer. I know many people prayed for me on Monday and I know it helped. And thank you Lord for protecting me from bad triggers. Please protect me from the massive trigger that is mother's day.

bleh may 4th again

I had the worst night in terms of dreams last night. I guess because it is the 11th anniversary of my mom's death today. She was in my dreams and then I dreamt I was being rejected by all my loved ones etc... they were PTSD dreams and I woke up feeling like I was turned inside out with my inner child on the outside and my adult self trapped on the inside. I couldn't sleep without a light on and dreams of corpses scared me (normally they don't but it was my biggest fear when small) and I was terrified of my mom as if she could pop up and treat me like she did when I was little. I would fall asleep again since my meds are sedative but then I would wake up terrified, fall asleep again and then wake up and again and again and again all night. And now I'm hyper sensitive emotionally and so worn out and sad and nervous and scared. I'm afraid I might have to go to the hospital but I just keep on telling myself that all I have to do is not act on my feelings and they will pass. Simple but very hard.
We went to the cemetery for the first time in years and blew bubbles in the wind for my mom. It was a beautiful afternoon. Then we went to MA and a story we read in the meeting spoke of re-parenting yourself if you had bad parents. And my SO pointed out that that probably means loving yourself. I thought I was good enough at that already since I have improved a lot but I guess I still have a while to go.

May 4th is coming up

Sigh. This time of year again where I have to avoid any triggers about moms and then of course it's mother's day soon. We've been watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and one of the characters meets their mom for the first time and it really triggered me. Today I dreamt that my mom was there and I was so happy just to see her face and she was dressed really nicely so I wanted to remember what she wore. I said, I can't fit in that size any more (I gained weight thanks to meds) and she said it doesn't matter. I know for a fact from previous experience that in real life she would have commented on my weight and maybe suggest liposuction or something so it was nice to hear. I wonder how I'm gonna handle the day she died this year. It'll be 11 years. I feel not too bad so far which is really good but who knows. I'll just keep praying and see what happens.

April was apparently something about sexual abuse month?

I think. Well, I don't really like to talk about it but I have been forced into stuff I did not want. I've been touched in places I did not want, once a man forced a kiss on me and once one of my exes basically raped me though he stopped right away when I protested. And I'm definitely not alone in all this. I think it's something like one third of women have been sexually assaulted in some way. And believe me, it does not matter how she's dressed or whether she's high or drunk. A decent man will not take advantage of the situation. But apparently there are a lot of indecent men. Why is it that men are generally gross? Don't mistake me, I think some guys are hot and I love my fiance but there are definitely gender differences. Perhaps it's evolutionary or societal, probably both. It's just strange sometimes just what men find sexy and how often they think of such things. But that's just me thinking aloud. I have forgiven (I think) those who have wronged me but it's just so unfortunate how common it is. It's really not fair for women. If I have a daughter I will worry about these things all the time!

I made it!

OMG the semester is over! Geez what a struggle it was this time around. I was planning on taking a summer course but now I'm not too sure. The devil was trying to get me down for sure. The night before my first exam our neighbours threw a huge party with people smoking up and who knows what else. At one point we were talking to some of them on our shared fire escape and one of them was rolling a joint but then they all left the room to sing happy birthday to someone. I could have easily stole a nug but my SO was with me too and he wouldn't let me. It was such a close call. Then it was 4/20 and it was very good that MA had their anniversary so we went to that instead of getting high. I am so elated right now, I'm free! But not completely. Now I have to focus on not slipping again with drugs and it's so hard...

the pressure cooker of finals

Usually I don't mind studying during finals. It's stressful sure but really not too bad as long as I start early enough. I did not start early enough due to being spiritually unhealthy and now I'm battling urges to use too. It is so tempting to go to my friendly neighbours and ask for a joint. It doesn't help that I am alone this evening too. I better tell my SO not to leave me when I'm vulnerable like this next time. I did all the studying I could for today. I'm hoping playing spider solitaire will help me now.

oops it's been awhile

School and life in general has been the usual crazy up and down and up and down and sort of medium right now-ness. First I got better as I said in my last post, then I gradually got worse and worse thanks to not keeping my spiritual life a priority. I stopped going to MA, I stopped going to church, I stopped praying and figured that I could get by just going to Bible study once in a while. I was so wrong. I had a week and a half where I couldn't get any work done or go to any classes and then when I was visiting my old dealer and his wife, I had a slip. I went to his room alone and found lines of blow just sitting there. I couldn't stop myself. I took some and got really high. Almost 3 years of sobriety gone. Gone in one moment. It felt horrible, then amazing and then horrible again since I became overcome with guilt. I told a church friend what happened and she told me to pray. It was the last thing I wanted to do but I forced myself and it was the best thing I could have done. I realized that guilt is from the devil, not God. It is used to keep us enslaved to our sinful addictions. That's why Jesus sacrificed Himself and took on our guilt. We don't have to carry it any more. We are free to choose life over sin. I am free to choose not to do more drugs and to move on with life. And that is what I have done. As part of Easter service I gave this testimony and many people came to me saying it was inspirational and how brave I was. It was actually recorded and is on the internet. Eep! Oh well, why should I be ashamed to be a drug addict? We all have our addictions.
Anyway, I now am in final exam season and it is really stressful. I have been praying everyday, going to MA and church. I now know just how badly I need Him. I've been too behind but I prayed and thanks to God one of my profs is letting me do their exam a bit later. I still don't know if I'll get through this end of semester in one piece. I have urges for drugs pretty often now and every night I dream of them but I know God is with me no matter what.