More thoughts from psych ward

I had another dream with my mom. I bought a coffee for myself at a Tim's and she yelled at me for doing that. Something about wasting money which makes no sense and I was mad at her back. She wouldn't let it go. Hopefully I'll get to smoke soon. I got my clothes back and took a shower. Odd graffiti in the bathroom: Dr. ----- + me = 187. I changed rooms last night. My crazy roommate stole my last cookie. Caught her in the act. So mad she went through my stuff. Yelled at her. Read an article in the newspaper that made me cry. About a woman who got cancer and how her daughter reacted. I'm scared I could get cancer and leave young children behind too. The sitter thing will end today probably too. Trying to get a pass for Friday which is my music night to commemorate my mom. But I might not be ready. Sigh, such conflicting desires. But I feel ok so far. I'm still fragile but much better. I don't have urges to hurt myself. Just passing thoughts. Like running into traffic or overdosing on meds.

New tattoo!

I got it done by the best tattoo artist in Montreal. She was really nice. These are my mom's favorite flowers and mine.

Stories from the ward

Here are some of my thoughts while locked up in the mental hospital:
Feb.17th 14'
Yesterday was the first day I started to feel better. Before that, I was overwhelmed by destructive thoughts and acting on them. Mostly punching myself and running into walls. I also tried to cut my throat. I ended up completely tied down to a bed twice. I also have a custodian that follows me around everywhere and watches me constantly, even when sleeping. I have no privileges to go outside. One of my custodians was a really nice Cambodian girl, very pretty and strong and we became good friends. I want to find her on facebook.

Yesterday about 20 people from church visited me and brought me the same flowers as in my new tattoo and it was wonderful. They prayed for me and talked about the music night for my mom's bday and I felt so loved. I honestly don't feel as alone anymore. They were all so thoughtful. Then my fiance's parents came to visit and that was really nice too. His mom brought me a giant chocolate cookie heart that she always makes for Valentine's Day. Plus I have the cookies his brother made me. No wonder I'm gaining weight. Oh yeah, and then I taught origami in the evening which was fun too.

I had nightmares last night. I bought mounds of cocaine from a friend in MA which turned into crack. I was at a bar where a huge fight with flying glass happened, the guy who reminds me of Chris Tucker (he got discharged a while ago) was yelling and being threatening at Daddy's house and there was lots of kittens then I was shoe shopping with an old friend who turned into my roommate and there were awesome boots but there were only her size and not mine. So weird and disturbing. And I was trying to get a radio to work while my mom watched. What a dream. So I had a rough morning but I just asked for extra meds, tried sleeping, failed, had my nails done by a friend in the ward, chatted, did some drawing and finally it's almost 5. I got to talk to the doctor and she gave me cigarette privileges and my clothes finally tomorrow. The artsy orderly told me I should draw Harry Potter or Circuit of Heaven.

I'm back and free!

Oh what a relief and yet a shock to be back home, away from the crazy ward. Just got discharged today. Doing much better than before when I got to the ward. It was so bad that I was put on 24/7 suicide watch with a custodian following me around everywhere for a week and occasionally having to hold me down or have me fully restrained to a bed because I wouldn't stop hurting myself. And now I'm on more meds too. Oh well, the important thing is that I got through it all in one piece and had a nice doctor who took me seriously and let me take my time to get better. I still feel a bit fragile but it's much better than before. I'll post some stories from my stay when I have the time. Thank you Lord I'm safe now!

to the hospital

that's it. i'm done. this is my last ditch effort to take care of myself instead of self-destructing and then going to the hospital. i'm pre-emptively going to the hospital before i do something to myself. i really hope i am taken seriously unlike in the past. i am so drained and depressed that i can't do anything productive. even typing is hard. i really don't want to go but it doesn't look like i have much choice. please pray that i would be treated fairly and gently. i'm so fragile right now. all my thoughts are so destructive...

ok I have right to complain now

It's still not as bad as when I wasn't clean but wow the same old patterns of thought keep attacking me and honestly I've run out of energy to fight them. So guess what. I give up. I give up trying to fight them. Anything I do from now on until this hellish period is over is just God's strength in me. That's all. I'm not wasting my own paltry energy in a losing battle. Maybe this attitude will change things paradoxically for the better but I'm not sure. Whatever happens for sure though, I always cherish my faith in Jesus. I've been through so much, Jesus has carried me so many times through the desert that I will never lose faith in Him no matter what.

down

I don't feel like doing anything. Bad destructive thoughts keep going through my head. I really miss being high on  magic mushrooms. I want to grow them again. ARG. I played some praise music and read a bit of the Bible and that helped a bit but not as much as I thought it would. That's not a good sign. So I plan to have a music night with friends on my mom's bday. I hope that helps. That means I have to keep it together beforehand. Well, all I can do is my best...