'Genie, you're free' - Rachel Evan Wood

Wow, a lot of people have been writing about mental illness now because of Robin Williams. And I feel I must join the party. Firstly, I'm happy to see so much awareness happening and articles talking about the fact that suicide is not cowardly etc... but I'm also sad that it takes a high profile death from mental illness for there to be more awareness about something so common and powerful. I personally know 4 people who died from mental illness and they are just as worthy to be aware of.
Secondly, I am simply just sad that he killed himself. I've written here before about being in the same mindset yet here I am after 7 suicide attempts, still alive and actually doing pretty well now. I know very well the suffering involved to hurt or try to kill yourself so what is the difference between me and him? What is that factor that kept me alive and let him die? I am certainly not more worthy than anyone else. I am sad that he will no longer light up people's faces except in recordings. I am sad for his family and friends.
Thirdly, I am scared. After being completely sober for 20 years, he went on a bender with alcohol and cocaine, went to rehab recently and then killed himself. As a recovering addict, this scares me A LOT. I have only 2 years of partial sobriety (I still drink on occasion but don't do any street drugs), I am in the middle of step 5 out of 12 from AA, I am nowhere near 20 years of sobriety. Many people, including recovering addicts, wish to think that after a certain amount of clean time you are 'cured'. You don't have to worry any more about relapsing. But clearly this is very false. This man had 20 years of sobriety and yet still relapsed. That reminds me that I have to be constantly vigilant and constantly work on staying mentally healthy and spiritually strong. The consequence of letting my guard down can take my life. What a harsh reality but true of any chronic illness. His death scares me by making me wonder if I will ever feel too comfortable in the future, let my guard down, relapse and then die of overdose or suicide...

doctor's appt

I finally got myself to my doctor's office yesterday and of course, living in Quebec, I had to wait all morning to see him. That man is just waaay too busy thanks to the system here.
Anyways I didn't really want to go but I had to since I've been prescribed an anti-depressant at the hospital recently. It's been a month since I started taking it but I don't really feel any different. He said that I don't need to really, it's just supposed to reduce the number of 'strange' thoughts that may enter my head. That surprised me because a number of people have told me that they usually feel numb, neither happy or sad and luckily I'm not feeling that way at all. I still get really upset and really happy. My only frustration these days is that sometimes I just don't go to class, or choir practice, or small group. I don't know if it's just because I'm lazy/spoiled, undisciplined or the depression which I sometimes am not sure I have. But other times I'm sure I do. I just don't want to use depression as an excuse to be lazy but on the other hand it is an illness that can be debilitating. Ugh. And of course, I've been feeling like I have no good friends who bother to call me or want to meet up. Enough of whininess.

I just got Guitar Pro today and spent the whole afternoon trying to figure out how to use it while fixing a tab for Kalmah's Doubtful of it All. It's fun and frustrating at the same time. For those who don't know it's a program for writing out music scores, it automatically writes out both music notation and tabs for whatever you enter and can play it back for you etc. I found a guitar pro tab for the above mentioned song somewhere (I forget where) and it's really impressive because someone figured out all the different parts like drums and keyboards including guitars. BUT, there's alot of mistakes in the lead guitar part. So I'm doing my own guitar pro tab for just the lead guitar which is almost done. I'll post it here when it is.