eep! Feb 21st is coming...

I had been doing well generally but then it became February. A friend of mine might be to blame for this since he was the one who reminded me I should take steps to face February and May better. But honestly I haven't figured it out. I'm just panicking. Already my mind has begun dragging me back into traumatic memories involving my mom when I'm not thinking of anything in particular. So, I'm doing my best to keep busy; see movies with friends, go to church events, listen to positive-ish music, keep cooking for my family. Today I made Korean-style omrice: an omelette but with fried rice inside. And I did my best to convey my desperation to my psychologist today. I guess it sort of worked because he gave me another hour more than usual which was kind, though it didn't feel like it. I hate talking about stuff that bothers me but he's the most sane person I know so I better open up to him. And he reminded me it's my mind, myself that's causing me so much pain. Not my memories or the fact that my mom's birthday is coming up. He says it's like I'm letting myself be haunted by ghosts that aren't really there. It can be a time to celebrate the good memories instead of a time to dread. I explained there's just so many intense conflicting emotions surrounding my mom that I'm having a really hard time letting go. I know it's all in my head. I guess I'm still shocked that she pretty much traumatized me in almost every way possible and all the way up to 2 years ago I thought it was all normal stuff. I know now that she was suffering herself and she didn't intend to hurt me but I still get mad. Then I get sad because I just miss her and want her back. And then the thought of breaking into the mausoleum and eating her ashes comes up again. That way she can never leave me. But then I'll probably start to freak out that she's invading or possessing me from within so ugh. Is there no way of getting happy?? Other than another joint of course. And that gets harder to fight off as well. I just start to wish for a little relief from my mind. I know I need to change the way I think but it takes forever and I'm trying, meanwhile I'm going nuts in the present. So why not turn to drugs again? But I don't want to get stuck in the same slavery over again. But I did slip twice now thanks to leftover dust in my desk. So I'm left with so few options, none of them extremely helpful. All I can do are little things to eventually get through the day without destroying myself too much. And so, if you're able to get through the daily grind without the world blowing up in your face, you have so much to be thankful for. Honestly God, I won't take it for granted ever again. Just being able to fully live, get through the day with your mind engaged and intact. I don't care if Your plan for me is to mop floors the rest of my life, so long as I don't feel like this anymore, with a mind that hampers me from dealing with reality.

Something not so bad in May

Ok I admit it. February and May are the worst months for me emotionally. The first one has my mom's birthday in it and the latter has the day she died along with Mother's Day just to rub it in some more. I really don't know how I'm going to get through them. Basically I hate spring season. But I found out that May is BPD awareness month in the U.S and that could be really good. We really need more awareness so there's less ignorance and shaming and more treatments. (And more distraction from myself for me!) Here's the bill they passed for it.

HRES 1005 EH

H. Res. 1005

InH. RES. 1005
Supporting the goals and ideals of Borderline Personality Awareness Month.
IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
February 27, 2008

Mr. TOM DAVIS of Virginia (for himself and Mr. VAN HOLLEN) submitted the following resolution; which was referred to the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform
RESOLUTION Supporting the House of Representatives, U. S.,

April 1, 2008.

Whereas borderline personality disorder (BPD) affects the regulation of emotion and afflicts approximately 2 percent of the general population;

Whereas BPD is a leading cause of suicide, as an estimated 10 percent of individuals with this disorder take their own lives;

Whereas BPD usually manifests itself in adolescence and early adulthood;

Whereas symptoms of BPD include self-injury; rage; substance abuse; destructive impulsiveness; a pattern of unstable emotions, self-image, and relationships; and may result in suicide;

Whereas BPD is inheritable and is exacerbated by environmental factors;

Whereas official recognition of BPD is relatively new, and diagnosing it is often impeded by lack of awareness and frequent co-occurrence with other conditions, such as depression, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, anxiety, and eating disorders;

Whereas despite its prevalence, enormous public health costs, and the devastating toll it takes on individuals, families, and communities, BPD only recently has begun to command the attention it requires;

Whereas it is essential to increase awareness of BPD among people suffering from this disorder, their families, mental health professionals, and the general public by promoting education, research, funding, early detection, and effective treatments; and

Whereas the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder and the National Alliance on Mental Illness have requested that Congress designate May as Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month as a means of educating our Nation about this disorder, the needs of those suffering from it, and its consequences: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives supports the goals and ideals of Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

Crazy list of Christian metal bands

Wow, I think this is the most extensive list of bands I've ever seen thus far. It's so long I can't really re-post it here but here's the link. I'm also saving it to my computer should it ever disappear!
http://christianmetal.hyves.nl/blog/29186294/Christian_Metal_List/-xVD/

For Christian lovers of Art

So very often, sincere Christians ask themselves and each other what is ok to listen/watch/look at and what isn't? We had a great guest speaker a couple weeks ago who touched on that subject at church. Short answer: depends. Does the song/movie/TV show etc. bring your heart closer to God or further away? We definitely have to be careful of what we consume but of course, everyone is different. There could be an R rated movie with shocking scenes but it's plot is about redemption or certain elements remind you of Jesus' character or you marvel at how well made it is as a whole or just at the wonderful backdrops or costumes or how well it unfolds human nature. Alright, it could be ok for you. Maybe someone of an older generation wouldn't see these things and just find it traumatizing. Then it's not ok for them. Even if Bambi wrenches your heart so much that you question God's goodness, then maybe you should avoid it.
For me personally with music, it's definitely important for me to purposely listen to some lyrically positive songs, whatever genre it doesn't matter. I know if I listen to NIN too long or some of silverchair's Freakshow when I'm in a good mood, it'll eventually drag me down and I know God wouldn't be happy about that. On the other hand, when I'm already in a bad mood, it can help to know others can feel the same way as me. But I've still got to sprinkle in some more upbeat tunes. For metal in general, I think enjoying the skill required to play it well is similar to enjoying God's skill in creating the beautiful things in nature. In the end, the best is to pray to God about it and listen/watch for His guidance for your own particular heart.

cold/asthma/indoor air pollution...

I've actually done pretty good this winter time in terms of colds. Last time I got sick was in September. And now I am sick from this past Saturday and of course my period starts at the exact same time and my asthma got triggered again. At one point I was afraid I would have to go to the ER again because my inhaler was starting to lose its efficacy. But thanks be to God, it's gotten better now. At one point, my dad dropped by in my room to see how I was and then went on one of his scientific rants (hazard of having a PhD in nuclear physics and mathematics) and declared that the rising rates of asthma in children is largely due to indoor air pollution. I mentioned some articles I had read in the newspaper about kids immune systems being crappier because of environments that are too clean, so what about that? That may also be true but his argument sounded logical and alarming. We've got too much stuff in our houses, workplaces and schools and we don't know what they're all made of. Plus they trap all kinds of dust and microbes etc. He said everything gives off tiny amounts of molecules into the air all the time and in the case of something like poisonous heavy metals, only tiny amounts accumulated over time in our bodies can start to affect us. Yikes. I always found my plush Spongebob looked a little creepy in the dark but now he may truly be acting sinisterly since I don't know what he's made of either. And what about all the other children's toys made so cheaply out there? Eeep. Gotta have less stuff. And crack open windows whenever possible.
P.S my dad's rants make it impossible to watch Mythbusters with him. He always announces how obvious that the myth is true/not/sometimes. He doesn't see the point behind it. It's funny and frustrating at the same time.

chugging along

These days my life has really calmed down. Well, I still get ups and downs but they're not nearly as bad as before. I hang out with clean friends including new ones from rehab, go to the occasional 12-step meeting (I found a Marijuana Anonymous meeting!) and spend alot of my time cooking for my family since the lady who usually does it is down with some sort of infection. And Frank visits alot too! She went nuts the other day because I was preparing a huge fish to cook and a fish based soup. She was licking the fish while I was trying to descale it and was sitting between me and the fish with her butt and tail in my face. Cute but annoying. I also saw Barney's Version and found it moving and sad. Perhaps too sad for me to watch again but there were lots of hilarious moments too and recommend it to anyone. Especially with all those scenes of our beautiful Montreal! A side note: I'm pretty sure his first wife had an extreme case of BPD. All of the outrageous behaviour, promiscuity, creative and attractive, and deep lonely suffering underneath it all which makes it impossible to be alone and leads to suicide attempts and general crazy-lookingness. I liked Barney's reaction to her totally clueless and demeaning dad. He thought he was doing the best he could in dealing with such an unstable daughter and expected her to be grateful but he never stopped to try to understand or just listen instead of 'fixing' her, judging by the way he talked about her. So Barney kicks him out. Oops, long side note.
Anyways, this is my 3rd week out of rehab and I'm doing alright. I still have urges and cravings sometimes though. But I just have to remember I don't want to stumble through this life God gave me in a hazy stupor, clueless to my self-inflicted misery and guilt. People think sometimes, oh addicts just want to party and have a good time too much. It may start out that way but the substances just take over everything and it very quickly becomes the opposite of fun. It's a form of slavery. I truly felt I could not get through the day without killing myself if I did not have my drugs. But at the same time they don't take away the problems and stress but add to them so it becomes a vicious cycle. They were as essential as breathing but they almost took over that too. My asthma got so bad from the constant smoking that I used up my inhaler in 2 months when it usually lasts me at least a year or 2. When I unexpectedly ran out I freaked because I had to choose between breathing and drugging. I still couldn't stop.

i'm back!

To reply to my previous post I really got better in rehab but also realized I'm perhaps a little crazier than I thought. But overall, it was an amazing experience in there. First thing I learned, being sober isn't just for chumps. It's not all that bad. I CAN survive without weed and the rest. And I say I'm a little crazier than I thought because I get visual distortions when I get really upset or anxious. I couldn't notice this before because I was always getting visual distortions and hallucinations because of all the continuous joints. Second big thing, is that drugs do not solve your problems or anxiety/mood issues. They just let you ignore them better. I know this especially because my bro told me on my first weekend back that I seemed much less stressed than before rehab. This surprised me because I was having a pretty stressful weekend without the option of turning to drugs. And then I realized it was because I was too stoned to notice it before. Anyhow, I'm off to an NA meeting tonight near my house. Here's hoping it's a good group.