Merry Christmas everyone!

And happy holidays! We barely got our outdoor lights and Christmas tree up in time as usual. The holidays have been mostly good to me. We threw a surprise birthday party for the close family friend who I like to consider a second mom. She was sooo happy and said it felt like she was in a dream. Success! It feels so good to make other people happy. It was also a friend's birthday party at a bar and she loved the present from me. Success again! But, me and my bf overdrank and had to wait hours at my car to sober up to drive. Got home at 5am yikes. I really have to be careful about this drinking thing. It seems the more people are around me, the more I feel like drinking. A friend says maybe it's social anxiety but I was surrounded by good friends that I'm not anxious around. I think it's whether there's a party atmosphere or not. It's like a trigger to have more and get drunk as a result. I'm going to my bf's family Christmas party and there will be 50 people there so I'm gonna do my best to be careful. I'm definitely gonna be anxious being around that many people I barely know. Another thing that added to my holiday cheer is that I got an A+ in biology!
And of course, the most important thing that has given me inner joy is God incarnated on earth to save me from myself. This Christmas I'm more thankful than ever before and I get tears of joy thinking about how Jesus used everything I went through to set me free from addiction. Free from the worst slavery I thought was possible for me. I really feel like a prisoner finally set free. I could fall into the same trap again but I really hope not. I've been in hospitals now enough to last a lifetime.

deeper into the Relationship

Today I finally took time apart to spend with God in prayer and listening to Him in meditation and it was soo good as usual. I haven't been doing this in a while and I'm not sure why except maybe simple forgetfulness and laziness. I still felt close to Him but I wasn't putting in the time to properly be with Him with no distractions. I was able to pray a little bit at a time all throughout the day, mainly being thankful but that was it. It's still important to stay connected to God throughout the day but you need both constant awareness of Him and time set apart with Him alone. And after years of avoiding reading the Bible by myself, I find I am seeing the Word with new eyes. I avoided it so much because in my dark times and the shitty mindset I was in, I could read nothing but condemnation in the Bible. Any time I opened it up, all I saw was God's intolerant holiness, I could see no love and only felt more discouraged and down on myself afterwards. Now I see so much more, especially God's providence and incredible love. Yes He is perfection and holy, untouchable. Yet He stoops down to love us and care for us in our daily lives and in every moment we exist. This huge contrast still blows my mind and it's hard to picture someone who is both perfectly holy and loving but I trust God's nature now. He created me for a reason and I live for Him now. If I could have my way and He didn't care about anybody or didn't exist, I would gladly take my life. I'm too sensitive for this harsh world but apparently He'll use that too for His glory one day. Certainly being sensitive will help me to help others in the future.

warrior princess

God gave me a vision of what is truly my identity. Something very close to Zena but as a spiritual warrior princess! God is my Father through Christ so I am a princess as He is the King but He also equipped us with the Bible as a spiritual double-edged sword and armour and so on. If only this could replace the endless black hole I instead feel inside me.

He's carrying me

I had a sort of productive but depressing stressful day and I'm ashamed to say it was mostly because of unexpected traffic in my area when I was trying to go grocery shopping. Yeah stupid little shit like that sometimes gets me going too much and I stressed my family friend who was with me too. When we finally got home and put all the groceries away, I still felt grumpy and dark and empty inside. And I fell into despair about life and how I just don't deal with it very well. I felt pretty tortured for a few hours until I realized I hadn't prayed yet today. Ah my one source of light and salvation! I remembered, try as I might, I am still hopeless and dead meat without Jesus. I prayed and just rested in God's love and I had the vision again where I'm curled up in God's hand and He's carrying me through the deadly desert. I can feel the comfort and strength of His hand and can see the barren landscape moving beneath me as He carries me forward on this plane of existence. So I give thanks to God, because no matter how bad it gets, it would be even worse without Him. Now if only I could remember this fact all the time and be constantly aware of His benevolent presence!

but scared shitless

Alas I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of my pain and let God heal me. Doesn't that sound so freakin' stupid?? Here's the solution, the one thing that will make your life infinitely better and I'm insanely scared of it. The therapists from the DBT group are so right. Pain has become a comfortable friend, something I got so used to living with that I can't fathom living without it. Also, it does validate my identity. I am someone who goes through and has dealt with alot. That makes me special and explains/justifies my sensitivity and self-destructive actions. I hold onto it because it's all I know. Lord, I just pray that You will move me to a place where I'm truly ready to let go, forgive and accept everything bad that's happened to me. May I not get discouraged over my not being ready. That's the sort of thing that gets me suicidally depressed. I believe You will make me ready. Please. For now I guess I'm still getting buzzed.

I see the light!

And up I go again! But this time may be different. It started in the DBT group where they had talked about the idea that we all got used to having so much emotional pain (since we all experienced terrible trauma at young ages) that we would seek it out or prolong it by dwelling/indulging in it. Pain became a comfortable friend so we would replay terrible events in our lives in our mind or cause more pain to others around us or hurt ourselves physically. Also, it validates us in the sense of, I have all this pain so I'm allowed to be miserable, be the victim and behave inappropriately as I want since I have to live with the pain. Kinda like two people competing to prove whose gone through more trauma than the other. I found this hard to understand and apply to myself. So what, am I purposely being re-traumatized every time something or someone reminds me of my childhood? Is it my fault my memories haunt and pain me? They said no, it's unconscious. My mind keeps bringing up the past because I haven't dealt with it and keep avoiding it with drugs and alcohol. Somewhere deep inside I am angry and can't accept what happened to me so I can't let it go and move on. I thought about this and figured it must be true but also it must be very deeply hidden because I'm not aware of any actual thoughts like that about my past. All I'm aware of is the crippling emotional and physical pain and anxiety I get every time I think about it. They concluded that I've got to face and deal with the past with my individual therapist, something not easy to do but they encouraged me to get working on it. And then I felt like going to a pub or something anything to get rid of the anxiety I was getting just thinking about dealing with my traumatic past. But I didn't. I already had plans to see friends and it was the middle of the day so no one would want to go drinking with me anyway. But I definitely felt so stressed. Basically I was told I have to do the one thing I unconsciously have been dreading for years.
Then this morning I prayed about it and said "Dear Lord, in the name of the amazing name of Jesus Christ, heal the pain in my heart so that I may be completely free. I know You are the ultimate Healer and I believe You can and want to heal me and I trust in Your timing. I will be healed." And I don't know if it was from God directly or just me thinking about it but I could see myself really living free! I could actually picture myself stopping the drugs and excessive alcohol since I just wouldn't have a good reason anymore to take them. I could see myself being comfortable with myself and living with less anxiety so I could freely pursue my creative and career passions and generally being alot less scared and sensitive about everything. With no more deep emotional pain there's a massive weight lifted from my shoulders and I can more freely take on life's challenges. Free! This vision has blown me away with the hope it gives me. It's like I finally see the end of the nightmarish tunnel. It's taken 7 years just to understand that I have trauma in the past and I need to deal with it by surrendering it to God and letting Him heal me. So it might take years more to be actually healed, or maybe not but anyways I can see the light at the end. I pray I hold on to this, especially if I start feeling suicidal which I think will happen alot less if I have this hope anyways.

He delights in me

I go twice a week to church. There's the usual Sunday service but there's also the youth Friday evening service and after that is when the pastor and/or two youth leaders listen and pray for me. I think it's been helpful. But last week was something special. The worship music was moving as usual, and it may have been the fact that I was still feeling the shrooms I took earlier that day a bit but I really felt God's love. I felt it in the specific form of Him delighting in me and being proud of me. Especially of the last two years, the hardest years of my life ever. And I thought, are You really proud of me, really? All the overdosing, psych ward stays, becoming an addict, failing at going back to school and a normal life, overall going nuts and hurting myself... Life has been a nightmare and You're proud of me? And He said yes. I guess He's proud that I got through it all and did my best in terrible circumstances. When I ended up in a hospital bed nearly dying, each time I prayed and offered myself to Him and clung to His promise of salvation. I've suffered so much pain from being borderline and having depression but I never blasphemed against God's name or blamed Him for my suffering. I went through so much that I lost hope in life but I never lost hope in Jesus saving my soul and letting me into heaven eventually. I also became the family cook for a while in between there and managed it alright. But anyways, I'm not trying to become proud of my own doings alone, I'm just amazed God has enough mercy to actually be proud of me these past couple years and I hope not to forget it. Dear Jesus don't let me forget that you delight in me no matter what I do. Because you are in love with me. My mind has no concept of this really but please let it sink in and truly become reality in my eyes so that my faith is strengthened.

accept and surrender

Another important message from above: accept and surrender. It's also repeated in all sorts of therapies including DBT which is to practice radical acceptance. Basically, life sometimes sucks so you have to just accept the bad times and not freak out and rail against what you can't accept. God is telling me to use this principle with myself and unexpected life situations. There's alot in me that I plain old just hate. But this self-condemnation doesn't get me anywhere but more down. Also, when I make plans and they don't turn out my way I tend to get overly stressed. I'm not a very flexible person though I'd like to think I am. So God is telling me to accept myself including the parts that bother me and accept reality even when it doesn't go my way. This all makes sense, I have to start somewhere to begin change which means acknowledging where I am now. But it's so hard for me to do. There's always the comparing and worrying if I measure up and doing the right thing so I'm accepted by others and always my mother's voice, haunting me from beyond the grave, always concluding that I'm not good enough for anything. And so, these are the things I must surrender and give up to God and let Christ carry the burden. If I don't, all that negativity will continue to crush me into the ground. But that's hard to do too, I feel like it's all branded into my mind and heart, an essential dark part of me. Which I guess brings me back to praying and spending time with God everyday so that I can more easily get into the habit of surrendering the negativity. I've been faltering a bit these days with keeping up the praying and meditating but I mustn't just give up, I've got to try try again to come to God. My life depends on it.

I'm off to New Brunswick tomorrow so I need to make sure I take at least 5 minutes everyday with God even at my relatives' house.

importance of QT

So, I'm still doing my best to spend some quiet time with God everyday in the morning and boy what a difference it makes. When I do it I can feel God's presence, love and peace from His benevolence. My days are relatively clear on what I need to do and life seems to have purpose. When I forget or somehow just don't spend time with Him (especially a few days in a row) I get more depressed, feel like I'm doing nothing with my life and going nowhere, hate myself as stupid and spoiled and end up drinking and drugging more. And of course the more I do them the more the cycle of suffering spins with hangovers and withdrawals. Truly if I am to get through life it is only by God's grace and spending time with Him through Jesus. My pastor also told me and my brother to read passages like Isaiah 49:9- together and decree them over me to believe and declare that God will heal and free me from my issues and lead me to help others too. She keeps saying I'm beautiful and will be specially powerful in the Holy Spirit which is jarring for me to hear from a relative stranger and considering all my mental health problems. But I do believe God can heal anything and anyone. Even as I spend more time with Him I notice that my borderline personality tendencies go down. I just can't freak out about things as much. And then it's shocking how unstable my normal state is when I don't spend time with Him. On Friday I felt like there was no point to my life and living when we left late to go have supper before service with everyone. Sounds ridiculous but that's how far it goes when I get stressed since I'm hypersensitive. But when I have the peace that transcends all understanding I don't get that stressed in the first place over small things.

moving on from treatment centre

I've officially stopped treatment for addiction. I'm going to focus on spiritually healing to get sober. I prayed about it and of course I have my insecurities about leaving but I'm being reassured by God, by my pastor and my psychologist that they can't do more for me there. I told my therapist that I'm thankful I'm off weed and it's made the biggest difference. I was such a slave to it, I couldn't stop and it was making me just completely messed up in the head that I did so many horrible things to myself in the depths of weed-induced despair. I'm free from it now and I forgive her of triggering my sensitivities to judgment and criticism. I guess we just wish each other the best. And she said that if I need to I can always come back so that's reassuring as well. I ended up crying about leaving the place to my psychologist today which was confusing and he says it's the whole abandonment and loss of mother figure-ish person thing. It is anxiety inducing to leave the place but overall I also feel relief that I don't have to fight or feel guilty about using anymore. I really don't have it in me to resist anymore which also makes me sad but I know God won't let me stay like this forever. No matter what I want or can do. I should look on the bright side anyways, I'm mostly sober these days compared to never at all on weed!

trying again spiritually

It's beyond me to stop the small amounts of drinking/blow but it's not beyond me to try again to spend a little quality time with the Lord everyday and so that's what I did this morning and it was wonderful. I could feel the comfort coming from His love and it felt like pure water falling on and around me, enveloping me and it was very soothing. Finally some inner peace! And I asked for clear direction on whether to continue treatment at the centre. I had to make sure to focus on God and not the voices in my head arguing whether to continue or not. I admired His miracle-working, all-powerful nature and felt Him examining the state of my heart and taking it into account for His plans for me. Which is amazingly considerate of Him. And He told me not to continue because He will show me His power even when I don't want to quit. (It's also because I don't really want to quit that I would just be wasting my time at the addictions centre). Then He warned me that this is not some easy way out, I must continue spending time with Him and eventually I mustn't use everyday. So, I will keep putting aside quiet time for the Lord, go to MA, to church services and start painting and tabbing and writing music again.
In the tiny off chance that I just heard what I wanted to hear and my using gets worse and not better, I can always go back to out-patient treatment or in the worst-case scenario rehab. But I'm quite sure I heard from God Himself and I trust Him more than anyone else since He is beyond any human wisdom. My problems are microscopic compared to His might.
I'm also aware that I will get more attacked spiritually by the devil since I'm trying to spend more time with his enemy so I pray for a legion of angels to protect me in Christ's name.

Happy Father's Day from the devil

I'm definitely being attacked by demons. I've had 2 vivid using dreams just this week and then last night too and it was an awful nightmare. I dreamt that my dad got diagnosed with stomach cancer in a late stage which meant he was going to die soon. We had a funeral and memorial right away and tons of people came, mostly from the church where he is an elder. I just went through the motions of greeting people, making sure the events went smoothly but when it was over and people started leaving I started to get upset. Everybody's leaving me alone with my grief and not even saying bye so I got so distressed I screamed at the top of my lungs with all the air I could muster. It felt awful. And I said to myself, "that's it. I'm drinking." And proceeded to drink any beverage with alcohol I could find. Then I found myself playing a game of bowling except with bottles and the pins were bottles of different kinds of alcohol. I was afraid they would break but somehow they didn't. If you knock one over then it's yours to drink. When it was my turn there was only one bottle left, it was champagne, and I aimed well but it didn't reach it because of a clear plastic barrier. I got mad because there wasn't anything else left to drink and I thought to myself geez, I'm addicted.

At church they have told me that all the authority in heaven is granted to us by Jesus so, in the name of Jesus may I be protected from the enemy and get true rest in sleep! I've gotten so stressed I'm getting pimples all over my face.

1 week, 6 days sober

I've been keeping busy: going to group therapy everyday, hanging out with good friends, went to an AA, MA and CA meeting in one week, back-breaking gardening, trying to get back into the groove of cooking for dad and bro again. Just trying to get through everyday life and errands and stuff. Finding it all a struggle because the smallest things give me stress, still paranoid of people, especially around my neighborhood and constantly feeling intense emotions about everything. Still been going to the new church and the pastor still makes a point of praying for me each time. Still says that I've been anointed by God for something special which of course is a nice thing to hear. But I still fear that one day she will abandon me and just stop caring and talking to me. I told her it's been hard (getting tons of stress from my therapist and consequently feeling even more sensitive and slightly more psychotic. Feeling bugs crawl all over me and seeing things moving back and forth almost all the time). She said when it gets hard admit that I can't do it and just ask God to help me, just surrender to Him and pray for the Holy Spirit. This echoed what the speaker said to me in a CA meeting. Don't fight the addiction because it will always win. Just stop fighting and analyzing and struggling and it will get better. It's a confounding paradox that I still don't understand since I feel like if I stop fighting I will die from relapsing.

anointed

I just went to a different church's Friday youth service that my brother had been going to and encountered God the Healer there. He spoke through the leader straight to me and it was a wonderful confirmation of what little faith I did have. The leader was moved to pray for me and speak with me, like God was expecting to meet me there at that moment. And I could finally feel God's love for me and was assured that He will indeed heal me and the leader prophesied what I had always innately felt; that God has a great purpose for me and my suffering and that's why Satan has been working so hard to destroy me. I've felt deeply called by God since I was 9 but I also started suffering psychologically and spiritually and by the time I was 13 I was acting out and clinically depressed, with occasional but scary hallucinations. That's why I have a tattoo of a gear on fire. It's me being purified by God's fire, there is a purpose to all my suffering and it's so nice to be reminded of that truth. I'm going to start attending this church and the Friday service regularly. Afterall my current pastor even admitted to me I need a more consistent congregation who can properly love me as brothers and sisters in Christ. I know the struggling isn't over yet but finally I can see some relief. The true solution is in sight and I know Jesus can heal me on a more fundamental level than any psychiatric ward, rehab or therapy program can. Of course that doesn't mean they're not useful or that I wont take advantage of them but they can't fill the God-shaped void inside. The leader anointed me with oil for healing but also for the future service I will do in God's name which is what I've always wanted for my life, even more than drugs.

spiritually blinded

Sticking to one a day is now officially extremely difficult. I still can't stop smoking right after waking up and my bad old self keeps reappearing when I'm sober which is about half the day or more. And boy do I hate being my bad old self. There's an overwhelming amount of negativity inside me and it's easily triggered by just getting upset over anything. And it often snowballs into an episode of BPD-fueled dysphoria. No words can truly describe it but it's like I'm being painfully tortured by my own sick mind, like the dark and negative thoughts and feelings will never stop pouring out of me. I got triggered yesterday because the psych ward called me saying there will be a free bed for detox but like I've said here, I thought my therapist said I didn't need it and I got so conflicted inside, just trying to figure out if I should go or not and it was so upsetting being caught in between two choices. Plus the nurse basically just hung up on me when I said I wasn't sure I was going in so I got upset enough to get emotionally triggered which results in life feeling like hell. I tried my best to deal with it. Of course, the old plan of action came up automatically; I must relieve the unbearable pain so should I smoke up more? Drink again? Cut myself? Take alot of pills at once if it gets really bad? The compulsion to act on these ideas was so strong but I fought in my head, arguing that the drugs will only make everything worse, including the immense emotional pain. Cutting isn't good either but it's not that bad in the long term because I don't go very deep at all, so I did that. It helped for an hour or so. I also spent 4 hours singing my lungs out to my favorite songs and delaying any action to buy alcohol, called a good friend and called my psychologist for support. These little things (suggested coping skills) I did were helpful somewhat. I managed to not drink since I kept saying, just another hour without taking anything. And another and so on. But it was awful to get through and I still ended up hurting myself. I hate being in this very unstable state, not being sure if I'll make it to the end of the day ok.
Why do I suffer like this if Jesus has already beaten the devil and sin on the cross? I believe in it. I think the answer is that BPD means I'm spiritually very blinded. I can't truly see and experience God's love for me since I hate myself and my emotional instability easily takes over my perceptions and even my physical senses and any sort of stable foundation within, including my faith. Maybe I don't really have faith then. Isn't it supposed to be unshakeable? And it's not like I stop believing either, it's just that crazy turbulent emotions put me through the wringer big time and take over everything sometimes. So I just don't know. I don't know if anything's really worth it, if my effort counts for anything at all. What do you want from me Lord, what?? What's the point of all this... But what's the alternative? I know it doesn't look like much but I am doing my best to take care of myself since I know that's what God wants and I've just got to keep doing so, even if it doesn't look like it's enough. I guess that's got to be some sort of faith because I wouldn't keep trying to live right for my own sake that's for sure.

my comforter...?

Jesus be my Comforter. I don't know how that works but that is because of the silly limitations in my head and not because I don't believe you can comfort me. I'm not doing so good right now. They called and told me there will be a bed for detox next week for me but my individual therapist keeps saying I don't need it. Meanwhile my psychologist of 2 years says I do need it. I'm so stressed about deciding because I can't. I'm getting conflicting messages from outside and within since I know I will get more care there but at the same time will be treated as and surrounded by crazy people. They are nice people but very desperate and in bad shape (mentally) and I will get influenced by them again because I'm fragile too and going a little crazy myself. Please comfort me more than drugs and alcohol do. I'm so tempted right now to get some wine to blunt the fact that I won't have any weed left in 2 days since I told my source I'm not getting anymore. So tempted to try and erase the pain and stress or inflict more pain on myself to feel less. But I believe you can comfort more than any of these things can, put together. So what am I to do, wait patiently and delay the destructive actions I compulsively feel I need? While I burn up with pain inside? I just don't know. So all I can do is ask, please be my number one Comforter, hopefully sometime soon.

Happy Resurrection Day!

Mentioning the word Easter only makes me think of silly white bunnies and chocolate eggs. How ridiculously trivial compared to the amazing event of the Son of God dying and coming back to life to save me and all humanity from sin and death! Truly, our faith as Christians is founded on Resurrection Day because that's when Jesus rose victorious over all evil. But of course, this is the ultimate reality of the universe and not what we experience everyday and that's what trips me up like crazy. My pastor mentioned this in his sermon yesterday when he said that if you don't see Jesus' victory then you won't have the confidence, joy and assurance that comes with knowing God's love. Instead we tend to focus on the grave, on what seems impossible, on all the negativity in the world. I definitely do that but I just can't help it, I don't know if my BPD makes it harder to have faith in something I can't physically sense directly and am more sensitive to our fallen state. Thus I am thankful for at least this time of the year to focus on something I have trouble believing is the true reality. After all the apostle Paul said "I want to know Jesus and the power of the Resurrection!" So I should identify with the cross everyday and remind myself that the Resurrection guarantees my own resurrection one day.
My pastor made the very astute observation that before they saw and believed that Jesus resurrected, the disciples had shaky faith and were sometimes downright idiotic. But later they changed the whole world because their perspective was completely transformed. After knowing Jesus came back to life and beating sin and the devil, they counted on miracles as regular occurrences with the Holy Spirit and every Christian can do this too, even today. There are miracles happening everyday all over the world but we close our eyes to them since we don't even believe they're possible. I know now that my disorder shuts my eyes and keeps me drawn to the evil and suffering so I have to try doubly hard to keep meditating and focusing on the true reality of Jesus' victory and that he suffered out of pure love for me. Unfortunately no one can love perfectly as I intensely crave from those around me but Jesus the Creator Incarnate does.

relapse?

I can feel it. My mind is twisting everything again. I can't sleep much. I'm getting depressed again. Every moment of life is getting harder to endure and all I can see is condemnation, no matter who I talk to. So I caved and bought hash and got stoned for a whole day. I went and saw my psychologist while high but he was nice about it and continued to treat me normally, saying just to not be too hard on myself for it. I was thankful for that. But later in the week when I went to the group therapy for addicts, I decided to be honest and our leader pointed out, "You've had a few slips with small amounts of pot from your desk, now you purchased more. The pattern is there. You are relapsing." Just great. It's because I need more help than the help I'm getting. My mom's birthday is this Monday and it's really freaking me out. She didn't even try to talk to me more after the group was finished though she declared I'm relapsing. Oh and of course, next week there's no group because she's going on vacation to Mexico. Maybe I should just throw in the towel until it's March. Besides, you can't overdose on it. Also, there was another lady there who used to do crack but is now doing better than me and she said she had a nervous breakdown last week. And all she had to do, instead of using, was call an ambulance and the psychiatrist at the hospital said her meds weren't strong enough so they got her a new prescription. I thought to myself, wow what hospital did you go to? Almost every time I had to go to the ER, sometimes by ambulance, it was condemnation all around. "Uh, does this girl really need an ambulance?" And then ER psychiatrists' words, "I don't know what to do with you. If you want you can stay here and continue to take up a bed in the overcrowded ER." Clearly, the hospital is not an option for me, maybe because of discrimination against my diagnosis I don't know. I just can't seem to get enough help as an out-patient. Pot is there for me when no one else is. Sad as that sounds.
My pastor said I should keep turning to God's Word and reading it at least once a day. I tried, but my mind twisted even God's holy, truthful words into just pure condemnation, rejection and abandonment. Everything I fear the most. My thoughts are becoming more and more about self-harm and I really don't want to go that way yet again but I still don't seem to have any good solutions. It's so frustrating. I wish I could trade brains with someone stable for a little while.
Please, don't you also get frustrated with me too. I'm at least being honest and staying away from the hard crap.

A quiet time for 15 mins

I used to pray, meditate, read the Bible and then write in my journal every morning when I was a tween. Well, I've never been good at discipline so it wasn't really everyday but I kept it relatively regular. But of course, eventually I couldn't keep it up anymore. So last week I tried again, this time doing deep breathing at the same time as meditating and I felt more calm and energized. It was awesome. While doing so, I had the thought that if Jesus is perfect, then he must have had perfect mental health as well. Yet he still experienced and expressed suffering, anguish, grief and anger and shared it with others. So intense, negative emotions are not bad to have. I guess the trick is what you do with them and to pray about them and then let them go. For some reason that's incredibly difficult for me to do. Anyways, I read a bit in Proverbs and one really struck me: (NLV) 19:8 "To acquire wisdom is to love oneself; people who cherish understanding will prosper." It's the first time I've seen the Bible very clearly stating that you should love yourself. For so long I thought that being humble meant hating yourself and how sinful you are. But as my pastor told me recently, you can only deny the self if you've accepted yourself first. So, as I've always done, I got ahead of myself. Also, it didn't help that I started studying the Bible at the age of 9 by myself with no one to guide me. I already felt mistrustful and rejected by people so I decided I needed no one but God alone, not realizing that God is all about relationships.
Of course, I only did the quiet time once last week and I don't know if it's because the devil didn't like it but I've been slipping and suffering ever since.

creative arts Christian small group

After many weeks of too much fear and anxiety to go, I finally decided I would go to the creative arts small group at my church. And it was wonderful. The couple who runs it were super nice and there was a large range of artistically inclined people in the group. Some have never done anything creative but wanted to try something new and then there were people like me who studied fine arts or photography etc. and everyone in between. One woman showed us her artwork which always had Christian themes and brought us watercolours to try. Though I wasn't a fan of how literal the art followed the themes it was refreshing to see Christianity and art come together kind of like the old days. These days I feel alot of Christians, especially conservative ones, are a little afraid of the arts since the goal is usually to defy the rules, make something different from what already exists. And in this sense, many artists are anti-religious since that's all about following rules and no change. But I think it's wonderful to take seemingly opposite things and smash them together. Like Christian metal! But I haven't seen much compelling Christian visual arts in a post-modern context. I would love to see Christian spirituality (not religion aka. legalism) expressed in a contemporary manner that could also be in a gallery or museum. Besides, themes on the purpose of life, human destiny, human nature and yearnings of the soul can be found in all kinds of secular contemporary artworks. I really want to contribute a subtle Christian twist to all of that. One day. When making artwork doesn't bring so much pressure to my psyche anymore.
Anyways, I'm hoping to become a regular at the group. We'll start doing paintings tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. For now, here's the watercolour I did. I'm pretty satisfied with it. A simple semi-abstract landscape; my favorite to do.