recovering

I am so thankful first to God and then to myself. I'm so thankful that I can now wake up every morning and feel ok, that the day will be ok and that God will give me the energy to get through it. People take this for granted and go on autopilot. But after so many years of feeling like shit every morning, feeling as if every day might be my last because I can't take life anymore, I am so thankful that things are far more normal and even enjoyable now. I'm almost done my first semester in school since my crazy crisis, and I've been getting good marks and finding my classes very interesting. There were certainly some bumps in the road but I think the desert part of my journey is ending and I'm so thankful for that. I'm even thankful for the desert times, because they have made me what I am today. I know myself so much better now, and have become so much wiser about human nature and as a result I am closer to God than I ever have been before. It's the start of what I always wanted. To be fully dependent on God and His unconditional love for me which is the foundation of being an agent of miracles in a down-trodden world. And boy do I know what it's like to be down-trodden. Everyday is a miracle when I don't use drugs and I don't hurt myself, which is every day recently. With the right meds, techniques learned from therapy and God's providence, I am ok. Which is amazing considering how I was just a few months ago. Getting clean was the hardest thing I ever had to do but wow what a difference it makes. My BPD is much less severe and I am mostly functional again. I am now doing my best to take care of myself everyday and with God keeping me safe too, I can do what I have to do: go to class, do homework, keep up hygiene etc... and I'll never take that for granted. Any time I get a craving all I have to do is remember ending up in the hospital all the time, getting strapped down like in the movies, being on suicide watch, getting occasionally mistreated by professionals and suffering through the days. I never want to go back there again. The only bad thing I do now is smoke the occasional cigarette and I'll eventually cut that out too when I'm ready. I'm a walking miracle and I hope to help others eventually get on the right path too. I'm not sure I can write about what happened the most recent time I spent in the psychiatric ward and rehab yet but this is where I'm at today and I couldn't be more thankful.

Fucking facebook

I'm gonna sound pretty petty and insecure now but I've got BPD OK? I fucking hate the home section on facebook! There's friends getting good jobs or going to crazy places, having more of a life than I've had in years. Then there's the friends that say they're friends but talk to you only for bit and then don't write back or respond to your calls anymore but they're chillin' on facebook and having dinners and partying together without you. Then there's all the activity of friends that have stopped talking to you entirely and never want to have anything to do with you ever again. Well sooorry for getting ill and becoming such a fucking burden. Then there's those who post about tragic things happening to them and they get so much support and empathy from so many friends and I've been in and out of hospitals for 3 years and almost died 5 times. Can anyone still empathize and give a crap? Apparently that's too much or something or I'm just not popular enough for people to at least care on vain facebook. Really the solution is to stop going on the home page at all. But even if I do, all this crap will still be happening behind my back!! I know this all sounds like self-pitying drivel, and it is. I'm immature, petty and want attention, if only because I've been so unwell in the past. Happy now?

the terrible birthday

I haven't written about it until now since I think I'm doing better than when I was going through it. And just thinking about it triggered me for a while. Now it's not as bad. I barely got through my mom's birthday this past February 21st and I still ended up in the hospital a few weeks later but more accidentally than because of an episode. It was so incredibly hard and painful though. And how to explain it? Well, first of all, I simply miss her so much. But my memories of her also pain me because I can't believe everything she put me through. And her words still haunt me, forming its own voice in my head which tells me to destroy myself because that's all I'm good for. And so I feel possessed by a malevolent ghost of my mom that gets stronger whenever I'm reminded of her. I shouldn't write much more or else I'll revive it within me. The only way I was able not to act on the destructive urges was to depend on my amazing bf who spent a whole week with me, watching me all day. My mind hatched all kinds of plans to get more pills and just take everything to be in a coma but the combo of being with my bf and my own willpower and God's strength for it kept me safe. I didn't have any severe episodes that made me completely lose it. Truly it's a blessing and sign that I'm doing better than last year. My only lingering problem is the continuing feeling that my mom lives inside me, and only her bad characteristics.

how DBT and stabilization therapy went

I noticed that I talked about starting these two therapy groups but I never followed up on them here. DBT was from September to December and stabilization therapy (which was led by my psychologist) was from December? to February. DBT should be taught in all schools in simplified form to grade schoolers. It is about how to manage your thoughts and feelings and interact with people in a way that makes life easier for everyone. It's very practical. The main thing they kept repeating was to distract, soothe yourself and be mindful any time something triggered intensely negative emotions. The key is to let yourself calm down with a neutral, distracting activity, then soothe yourself like taking a hot bath and keep your mind in the present, not ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. If you can actually master that in practice, then you have solved one of the main sources of suffering for people with BPD or intense emotions. Then they also cover how to interact with people without getting into conflicts or too much tension. So it's amazing wisdom, but hard to put into practice. But they say practice makes perfect, so I'm going to rewrite my notes and try to use them.

Then I did stabilization therapy where you simply think about what your goals are in life and they talk about ways to get there. They also talk about how to understand what your emotions are telling you and advise you on whatever life situations you are in. It wasn't as helpful as DBT but still good. I figured out I want to go into psychology there I think.

fellow judgers

Hmm, I think I have noticed a disturbing trend I call 'judging fellows'. It occurs in this sort of situation mostly: someone has a problem, someone else who had a similar problem feels they can give advice on how to solve it but they also can get impatient, harsh and judgmental of the first person. Isn't that weird? You'd think that the person who had similar experiences would be the most sympathetic and supportive of the person with the problem but I've noticed that they can often be the opposite. A good example is the girl at my church who said she used to be addicted to drugs and would help me by calling me and praying for me everyday for my addiction. But as the weeks went by and I still didn't quit, she stopped calling me and later told me that I wasn't doing enough for myself to warrant her help. She was frustrated with me for not trying 'hard enough' by completely quitting. Well in fact, I've been doing alot more than just smoking up all the time and I've been regularly going to therapy which is a strong sign of someone doing something to help themselves! But to her that wasn't enough. I'm sure it's because she was able to quit everything pretty quickly and without any professional help and so she expected that it would be as simple for me. But addiction is different for everyone and there are varying degrees of severity. The more psychological issues you have, the harder it is to quit and believe me, I have more than the average person. I was so shocked and hurt when she told me how she felt. I thought she would be understanding but she in fact judged me through her own experience and thus had little patience for me and my struggles.
Another example is a few comments on reddit r/leaves which I have just discovered is just for people quitting weed or thinking about it which is awesome. One post talked about someone struggling to quit because they self-medicate for depression. One comment said that his problems are self-inflicted and that you need to get out and enjoy life and everyone else suffers too but they get over it and you should stop self-pitying and do stuff. The poster wrote back basically saying that that's what people say when they don't know what depression is like and it's offensive to him. I agree. It's hurtful and harsh and impatient of him because of the tone. It's mostly truthful but doesn't need to be written so angrily. The commenter wrote even more harsh words back with pretty much the same message as before but said they suffered from depression all their life. I was shocked. And thought about this fellow judging phenomenon. They said it took them years but they figured out how to be well and now they suddenly have no patience for others in the same boat but further behind.
So I guess this is a word of warning for myself and whomever. Just because someone went through something similar to your issues, doesn't mean they will be kind and understanding of them. They can just as easily have no patience and judge you as one who never had big issues because it wasn't as hard for them as it might be for you. No one goes through the same mental illnesses with the same experiences. It's harder on some than others and being harsh on people already suffering and vulnerable is just a recipe for disaster either way. For some people, quitting pot is not that hard. You just stop, maybe have a hard time sleeping for a few days, feel kinda funny but you get over it. It's just not the same way for me. I get dreams about using drugs and craving them, I feel alot of anxiety, sometimes to the point of panic attack episodes where I see and hear things that aren't there, I become self-destructive and have to fight powerful urges to cut and hurt myself, my emotions become even more unbalanced than they usually are with my BPD so everything becomes a big deal and everything I experience hurts more so I overreact to everything. Basically, I go crazy without weed. But it will drive me crazy if I don't stop soon. I can't believe what a trap I'm in. And nobody can tell me my experience is otherwise! I am struggling and that's the simple truth and it's my right to express it and need extra help for it.

friend burnout

A few friends have told me about similar experiences with me recently. From my side all I see is, good friend tries to help me since they know my mental health got really bad. And then after a while, good friend gets too busy to hang out and eventually disappears. And then sometimes they come back to me and say sorry. Why sorry? They admitted to me that they really wanted to help me but couldn't figure out how, got frustrated and burnt out and decided to stay away for their own mental health. I was afraid that might happen and now it's happened with at least 3 of my good friends. It adds to my irrational fear that my illnesses and problems can be contagious if I get to know someone too closely. I'm always afraid that I'm a source of negative vibes for people around me. I guess it's understandable though. My experiences over the last three years have been traumatizing and of course, what you go through, your loved ones also partly go through as well. And believe me, anyone would have a hard time dealing with what I've had to deal with these past few years. But, withdrawing without saying anything to me just triggers my BPD more because I hate it when I perceive that someone is abandoning me. So I get upset, repress it and my mind automatically pretends you are dead to me. So, really if you are burning out trying to help me and solve my problems, tell me. And remember that I am not someone you need to somehow fix. My burdens are unfortunately, mine alone. The best way you can help someone in psychological distress is to just be there once in a while and simply listen when I need to express myself. Nothing more is necessary from friends of people going through hard times. You can do extra if you want but don't think you have to come up with solutions. The source of my suffering is complex and requires extensive professional treatment, something friends can't provide anyways. But friends have an important part of anyone's life, I still appreciate hanging out with friends, just having fun together helps.

I see the light!

And up I go again! But this time may be different. It started in the DBT group where they had talked about the idea that we all got used to having so much emotional pain (since we all experienced terrible trauma at young ages) that we would seek it out or prolong it by dwelling/indulging in it. Pain became a comfortable friend so we would replay terrible events in our lives in our mind or cause more pain to others around us or hurt ourselves physically. Also, it validates us in the sense of, I have all this pain so I'm allowed to be miserable, be the victim and behave inappropriately as I want since I have to live with the pain. Kinda like two people competing to prove whose gone through more trauma than the other. I found this hard to understand and apply to myself. So what, am I purposely being re-traumatized every time something or someone reminds me of my childhood? Is it my fault my memories haunt and pain me? They said no, it's unconscious. My mind keeps bringing up the past because I haven't dealt with it and keep avoiding it with drugs and alcohol. Somewhere deep inside I am angry and can't accept what happened to me so I can't let it go and move on. I thought about this and figured it must be true but also it must be very deeply hidden because I'm not aware of any actual thoughts like that about my past. All I'm aware of is the crippling emotional and physical pain and anxiety I get every time I think about it. They concluded that I've got to face and deal with the past with my individual therapist, something not easy to do but they encouraged me to get working on it. And then I felt like going to a pub or something anything to get rid of the anxiety I was getting just thinking about dealing with my traumatic past. But I didn't. I already had plans to see friends and it was the middle of the day so no one would want to go drinking with me anyway. But I definitely felt so stressed. Basically I was told I have to do the one thing I unconsciously have been dreading for years.
Then this morning I prayed about it and said "Dear Lord, in the name of the amazing name of Jesus Christ, heal the pain in my heart so that I may be completely free. I know You are the ultimate Healer and I believe You can and want to heal me and I trust in Your timing. I will be healed." And I don't know if it was from God directly or just me thinking about it but I could see myself really living free! I could actually picture myself stopping the drugs and excessive alcohol since I just wouldn't have a good reason anymore to take them. I could see myself being comfortable with myself and living with less anxiety so I could freely pursue my creative and career passions and generally being alot less scared and sensitive about everything. With no more deep emotional pain there's a massive weight lifted from my shoulders and I can more freely take on life's challenges. Free! This vision has blown me away with the hope it gives me. It's like I finally see the end of the nightmarish tunnel. It's taken 7 years just to understand that I have trauma in the past and I need to deal with it by surrendering it to God and letting Him heal me. So it might take years more to be actually healed, or maybe not but anyways I can see the light at the end. I pray I hold on to this, especially if I start feeling suicidal which I think will happen alot less if I have this hope anyways.

ok so I'm stuck

My individual therapist agreed. I'm stuck in an air-tight cycle he says. Although I'm definitely better than just a few months ago, I'm in this cycle where I try to do things but can't keep it up because of perfectionist beliefs that run me into the ground so I have more free time to drink and drug which in turn makes it hard to think, causes loss of interest in other things and gives me hangovers so I have less time to do things I tried doing in the first place and on it goes. So today I pushed myself with reassurances that whatever I do is fine and finally got to play some classical guitar, praise music and sing. But I guess that's not enough in general. He says I've got to break the cycle by making public commitments ie. school or work and reduce the drugs. So I'm gonna call two people he referred me to who are supposed to help me figure out and connect to what I want to do in life. The drugs? Well all I can do is keep trying to control the amounts which has been semi-successful but definitely hard. But what's harder is total abstinence and I'm still exhausted from my last failed attempt.

started DBT therapy

I forgot to mention how the DBT group therapy is going. It's been about 3 or 4 weeks and it's going well. I have an individual therapist who is overall gentle but still keeps me on task with goals and homework and then I have the group sessions with 7 other women led by a woman and a man. They go over concepts and use our real-life problems as examples. My general goal is to be less sensitive to everything so I don't overreact in my thoughts and actions. My homework consists of doing the workbook, making a list of things to do when I get emotionally overwhelmed by distracting and soothing myself and trying to do work on creative projects so I can reduce drinking and drugging. In group we talked about the ineffectiveness of our destructive coping skills. It was funny how similar we are in that respect when the lady asked us to list some of the things we do when we get painfully emotionally distressed: trying to kill ourselves, using drugs, cutting/burning/banging ourselves, lashing out at others, trying to control others, eat too much or too little etc... I doubt there can be another room with as much collective baggage as one used for therapy for BPD. This became especially evident when they talked about radical acceptance and asked us what pain we had from things we couldn't accept in our pasts. Most of the group had been raped, have dysfunctional families like having alcoholic parents or abusive family members and one woman even said her mom was murdered horribly and before that she was abusive to her. Mine is like a dialled down version of hers, my mom had cancer for 9 years then passed away and before that she was verbally abusive to me when I was little and always hated being a mom. That was a heavy session and hopefully there won't be more like that. There's just so much pain behind everything for all of us. Just writing this down almost makes me tear. A more positive similarity between us is that we're all artistic. I think it's because we all have a sensitive personality so some people are dancers, there's a writer, DJ, jewelry maker, videographer, photographers, model and there's me the painter/musician. I guess being sensitive is a double-edged sword. It allows you to be very creative but also makes you more vulnerable to traumatic events.

good grief

Anyone seen the episode Good Grief from Arrested Development? It's so friggin hilarious! I pray to the Lord Almighty that the song from Peanuts would always go on inside my head every time I get depressed. It cuts through my grief and tells me there's nothing so serious to kill myself over. Nothing at all, not even the worst suffering. Nothing nothing nothing!

quitting and trying trying

I'm pissed off at my addiction therapist. I know it's partly me projecting my feelings about myself onto her but I'm also sure she is indeed frustrated and impatient with me. A couple days ago she confronted me about the fact that I drank almost everyday the week I got out of detox and said that if I used anything one more time they're going to kick me out of the program. Fine. But then she went on and on about how I sabotage my own treatment and don't move forward and I said I guess it's fear and she said, "fear of growing up?" So what if it is? I need help with it then! And then she says I'm ambivalent about quitting, sitting on the fence and I'd say that's true but that's also a trait of BPD, I'm not doing it on purpose and it's going to take me longer to change it than the average person because I suffer from BPD. I said change is going to be slower for me because of the disorder and she dismissed me as if I'm just using the diagnosis as an excuse. She said it's just a label like bipolar, depression, schizophrenia. When I see her next I'm going to tell her that such people with those other diagnoses still have an easier time with change since they can still make decisions unfettered, though probably sometimes misguided. The nature of my issues directly affect my ability to stick with decisions and follow through since I'm on a roller-coaster of intense emotions and misperceptions that change several times a day. And then she had the nerve to say I shouldn't get more in-patient treatment because I get comfortable and then don't try hard enough to change. That is complete bullshit. I need more help, not less and not all patchy as it is at this center. Being in rehab in December for 28 days was not long enough to truly change since changing one's personality takes even more time than changing habits. She's saying I shouldn't get more help because I'm afraid of change and thus will sabotage myself. But I still want to change so WTF?! It's obvious that only the Holy Spirit can heal me. Stupid professionals.

anointed

I just went to a different church's Friday youth service that my brother had been going to and encountered God the Healer there. He spoke through the leader straight to me and it was a wonderful confirmation of what little faith I did have. The leader was moved to pray for me and speak with me, like God was expecting to meet me there at that moment. And I could finally feel God's love for me and was assured that He will indeed heal me and the leader prophesied what I had always innately felt; that God has a great purpose for me and my suffering and that's why Satan has been working so hard to destroy me. I've felt deeply called by God since I was 9 but I also started suffering psychologically and spiritually and by the time I was 13 I was acting out and clinically depressed, with occasional but scary hallucinations. That's why I have a tattoo of a gear on fire. It's me being purified by God's fire, there is a purpose to all my suffering and it's so nice to be reminded of that truth. I'm going to start attending this church and the Friday service regularly. Afterall my current pastor even admitted to me I need a more consistent congregation who can properly love me as brothers and sisters in Christ. I know the struggling isn't over yet but finally I can see some relief. The true solution is in sight and I know Jesus can heal me on a more fundamental level than any psychiatric ward, rehab or therapy program can. Of course that doesn't mean they're not useful or that I wont take advantage of them but they can't fill the God-shaped void inside. The leader anointed me with oil for healing but also for the future service I will do in God's name which is what I've always wanted for my life, even more than drugs.

white knuckling it

I got kicked out of the hospital 2 days ago, well not really but it felt like it. On Monday I overdosed on sleeping pills, prayed that I would find some peace in heaven but yet again I didn't die. I was allowed to take short outings from the ward so that's when I got the pills, took them all in a hospital bathroom and then went back to the ward to enjoy a last meal but my roommate noticed I looked ill, called a nurse over and then I woke up in the ICU. Apparently I fell in front of everybody and had a seizure and they had to call a code blue on me (when a patient goes into cardiac arrest I think). Soon after I was conscious again they released me back to the ward where they discharged me just 2 days later as planned. Yes I was admitted as a detox patient but now you're going to release me just as my psychiatric problems get worse? They're the reasons why I started doing drugs in the first place and now I'm supposed to stay clean by myself?! I'm still going to the Day program everyday but that's still only 2 hours of support everyday from 24 hours everyday. So now I feel like I'm white knuckling it, living as an addict without the substances and hating being sober. I already had 2 beers as soon as I got home because they were there and I couldn't help myself. This is the most insane struggle I've ever found myself in. I pray I didn't go through 2 and a half weeks of detox for nothing.

cleaning up

We actually get one hour of internet access each day so here I am writing from a psychiatric ward and this place is a hotel compared to the other psych ward I went 4 times to. There are still unstable people I have to deal with, like a lady who's really loud and steals other people's stuff all the time. I keep my music player and expensive headset around my neck at all times. I have a nice and quiet roommate and the staff are amazing. They don't seem to let anyone fall through the cracks. The nurses always make sure to know how you are doing and like to sit down and talk with you if you're upset. It wasn't always that way at the other ward, some were downright condescending and rude. But sometimes the days are long as I get used to being clean so I read the Bible more (finally) and I started a journal where I only write positive things that happened that day.
It's quite the battle though because I'm fighting my addiction and also the borderline personality crap that comes up when I'm sober. They've had to put me in the isolation room twice because I got too upset and self-destructive. Once it was because I couldn't deal with mourning for my friend who recently passed away from being an addict (couldn't deal much with it before since the drugs would take the pain away) and the other time was because it was Mother's Day and that morning my mom was in my dreams. The dream itself wasn't that negative but anytime she's in my dreams I get upset when I wake up and I'm in an emotionally vulnerable state withdrawing from weed right now. My first reaction when she appeared in my dream was oh shit. Everything has to be perfect because she's going to judge and criticize and yell at me, as if I was my childhood self again. But I had a lucid moment later and made up a sword because I knew enemies were coming and she silently approved of it. Maybe that's some sort of spiritual sign.

spiritually blinded

Sticking to one a day is now officially extremely difficult. I still can't stop smoking right after waking up and my bad old self keeps reappearing when I'm sober which is about half the day or more. And boy do I hate being my bad old self. There's an overwhelming amount of negativity inside me and it's easily triggered by just getting upset over anything. And it often snowballs into an episode of BPD-fueled dysphoria. No words can truly describe it but it's like I'm being painfully tortured by my own sick mind, like the dark and negative thoughts and feelings will never stop pouring out of me. I got triggered yesterday because the psych ward called me saying there will be a free bed for detox but like I've said here, I thought my therapist said I didn't need it and I got so conflicted inside, just trying to figure out if I should go or not and it was so upsetting being caught in between two choices. Plus the nurse basically just hung up on me when I said I wasn't sure I was going in so I got upset enough to get emotionally triggered which results in life feeling like hell. I tried my best to deal with it. Of course, the old plan of action came up automatically; I must relieve the unbearable pain so should I smoke up more? Drink again? Cut myself? Take alot of pills at once if it gets really bad? The compulsion to act on these ideas was so strong but I fought in my head, arguing that the drugs will only make everything worse, including the immense emotional pain. Cutting isn't good either but it's not that bad in the long term because I don't go very deep at all, so I did that. It helped for an hour or so. I also spent 4 hours singing my lungs out to my favorite songs and delaying any action to buy alcohol, called a good friend and called my psychologist for support. These little things (suggested coping skills) I did were helpful somewhat. I managed to not drink since I kept saying, just another hour without taking anything. And another and so on. But it was awful to get through and I still ended up hurting myself. I hate being in this very unstable state, not being sure if I'll make it to the end of the day ok.
Why do I suffer like this if Jesus has already beaten the devil and sin on the cross? I believe in it. I think the answer is that BPD means I'm spiritually very blinded. I can't truly see and experience God's love for me since I hate myself and my emotional instability easily takes over my perceptions and even my physical senses and any sort of stable foundation within, including my faith. Maybe I don't really have faith then. Isn't it supposed to be unshakeable? And it's not like I stop believing either, it's just that crazy turbulent emotions put me through the wringer big time and take over everything sometimes. So I just don't know. I don't know if anything's really worth it, if my effort counts for anything at all. What do you want from me Lord, what?? What's the point of all this... But what's the alternative? I know it doesn't look like much but I am doing my best to take care of myself since I know that's what God wants and I've just got to keep doing so, even if it doesn't look like it's enough. I guess that's got to be some sort of faith because I wouldn't keep trying to live right for my own sake that's for sure.

kindness from strangers

I'm surprised I haven't been freaking out about it but I'm starting to I think, since May is coming up. And I remembered what I was doing this time last year but I want to be thankful. I had overdosed on some random pills just trying to end the pain, mourning and insanity in my head. I ended up in the ER once again and the next day, when my family doctor was working and said hi but didn't pay me more attention, I yanked the IV out of my arm and got blood everywhere and ran. It was the anniversary of my mother's death so I decided to walk to the cemetery nearby to pray and with nothing but a bloody hospital gown and socks in the cold spring morning. Eventually a passerby decided to call police on me meanwhile an employee of the hospital on her way to work stopped and talked with me, made sure I was ok and gave me a cigarette. She wanted to drive me back to the ER but I still wanted to go to the cemetery so she waited with me till police came. That was very kind of her but I'm not sure I was able to voice that at the time. And then the two police officers who came were even more kind. They drove me to the cemetery, answered my questions about ticket quotas (yes they use them), picked me some flowers at the cemetery and then drove me back to the ER. Wow they were absolute gentlemen and didn't judge me as just another crazy person! So I want to thank them and the lady for showing me kindness when I needed it the most. I hope to do the same for someone else someday.

one a day

Starting today I have decided on a concession between the two approaches to quitting: slowly reducing and going cold turkey. I am sticking to one joint a day and I'm going to break it up into just a couple tokes at a time. Then tell them how it went in 3 days. So far it's already a bit up and down. I still get stoned but it doesn't last as long, so when my head is a bit more clear sometimes distressing thoughts or memories pop in. But so far it's sufficient for me to use the trick of seeing them as objects flowing in a river; they will pass so there's no need to hold on to them and freak out. I have to just let the negativity and cravings for alcohol and cocaine pass. I can't believe my brain is so hooked it just keeps craving other drugs while I try to quit another. That's a pretty big sign of being an addict. I guess it's about endurance now and keeping busy.
Also, I think a part of me agreed to this because the people at the center said I should go into detox at the psych ward but now they say the opposite and that I'm scared for nothing, it won't be as bad as before. Well I guess we'll see who's right then. Might as well start cutting down and if I start losing it or having episodes, then they can see for themselves what I've been afraid of since I'll be there everyday. It's like I need to prove how unwell I am. Which is stupid but I can't help but worry that it's all just in my head. Maybe I just think I'm unwell, I can't tell and it's frustrating. I'm further confused by my psychologist saying that personality disorders are not mental illnesses. So what the heck am I suffering from? I understand it's not entirely biologically based but it is partly. So what do you call them then?
And then I worry that I got addicted on purpose so that I have something to identify with and places where I can belong as someone who needs help with substance abuse because as someone suffering from BPD, there is nowhere or any group I can belong to and get help except for one DBT group that only starts once a year. It just makes me feel like such an outcast, like I crave attention for nothing and don't have any real problems. This thought is so distressing it makes me want to use more but instead I'll show them what happens to me without more drugs even if it means I become more self-destructive. Even in group in the day program others can't relate to my BPD problems. My issues honestly make me as if I'm on drugs or suffering withdrawal even when I'm not but for the others, they get better after just a little clean time. Lucky bastards, if only through a selfish point of view.

empathy turned inwards

I read recently in a study that people with BPD are extremely good at telling what people's emotional states are by just looking at their eyes. This made sense to me because I always felt I could tell pretty well myself and because it is like a survival mechanism. During childhood I had to figure out some way of knowing when someone might blow up because that could ruin my whole world for the day. It's funny though because at the same time we suck at interpreting certain social cues, espcially when we're stressed. There was a sample of the test they used where you see a photo of someone's eyes and you have to guess what emotional state they're in. It was multiple choice but I decided not to look at the options to make it harder. It was a funny sensation when I took a good look at the photo of the eyes. Their dark pupils seemed to swallow me up for a second and then I could feel the emotion I saw: panic. So I looked at the answer and it was indeed panic. So that was neat. Then I checked out some of the comments and one person pointed out, if you look at another person with BPD you see emptiness in their eyes. I thought about this and realized it is true. I see it in my reflection and I remember seeing it in others' eyes who also had BPD. I think it's because we have no consistent sense of self and instead feels like there's a black hole inside, constantly threatening to destroy everything.

musicians who sound borderline

Technically anyone can sound borderline. It just comprises strong, extreme emotions driven by immature perceptions. But sometimes when I listen to songs and the lyrics, I can't help but to think to myself that wow, this person must be borderline too. For example, Alexi Laiho from Children of Bodom and Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. I've already written about Alexi but I've recently rediscovered my copy of NIN's The Fragile. I forgot just how good it is. I always liked it but it's even better than I remembered it! Actually, this could be because I'm in a similar mindframe to what might have been Reznor's when he wrote the album. It's a great mix of metal anguish and electronic/dance/industrial catchiness. Anyways, I really relate to most of the lyrics of Somewhat Damaged. Could almost sing some of it to my mom if she was around. Here are the parts I could say in my own voice honestly.

So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything
Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead

Broken bruised forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

How could i ever think it's funny how everything that
Swore it wouldn't change is different now just like you
Would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart
And where were you?

Actually, another even closer song in terms of lyrics and how I'm doing is The Big Come Down:

There is a game i play
Try to make myself okay
Try so hard to make the pieces all fit
Smash it apart
Just for the fuck of it

Bye bye oooh
Got to get back to the bottom
Bye bye oooh
The big come down isn't that what you wanted?
Bye bye oooh
Find a place with the failed and forgotten
Bye bye oooh
Isn't that really what you wanted now?

There is no place i can go there is no way i can hide
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside

There is a hate that burns within
The most desperate place i have ever been
Try to get back to where i'm from
The closer i get the worse it becomes
The closer i get the worse it becomes

There is no place i can go there is no place i can hide
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside

And I can most certainly sing Underneath it All to myself about myself.
Underneath it All:

All I do
I can still feel you

Numb all through
I can still feel you
Hear your call
Underneath it all
Kill my brain
Yet you still remain
Crucified
After all I've died
After all I've tried
You are still inside

All I do
I can still feel you

You remain
I am stained

Dying's part of life

I know this is true. And yet I can't help but be traumatized by it. And everytime I conclude I will not be able to see a certain friend again, it feels the same. Like I just murdered them because of course, the world revolves around me as one who suffers from BPD. Losing so many friends at once with no explanation from them, the bird dying, and now my grandmother is apparently dying. My grandpa said this ever so matter-of-factly 6 days ago. I've been enduring awful pain and panic since then and I can hold out only because I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow. I thought I was doing better. I really was trying. I've been able to hold on this long but I've been battered by all these emotionally wrenching events, and so soon after I got out of the hospital. I really don't want to go back. I don't know what to do... And then there are moments where I feel like there isn't really anything wrong. I'm actually ok and I just think I'm not so I can be lazy. Anyway, all of this sounds so silly and stupid. I've got to just move on. Why can't I just move on? I've got to relax. Why can't I just relax and give myself a break? I need to make the racing thoughts stop soon.