cleaning up

We actually get one hour of internet access each day so here I am writing from a psychiatric ward and this place is a hotel compared to the other psych ward I went 4 times to. There are still unstable people I have to deal with, like a lady who's really loud and steals other people's stuff all the time. I keep my music player and expensive headset around my neck at all times. I have a nice and quiet roommate and the staff are amazing. They don't seem to let anyone fall through the cracks. The nurses always make sure to know how you are doing and like to sit down and talk with you if you're upset. It wasn't always that way at the other ward, some were downright condescending and rude. But sometimes the days are long as I get used to being clean so I read the Bible more (finally) and I started a journal where I only write positive things that happened that day.
It's quite the battle though because I'm fighting my addiction and also the borderline personality crap that comes up when I'm sober. They've had to put me in the isolation room twice because I got too upset and self-destructive. Once it was because I couldn't deal with mourning for my friend who recently passed away from being an addict (couldn't deal much with it before since the drugs would take the pain away) and the other time was because it was Mother's Day and that morning my mom was in my dreams. The dream itself wasn't that negative but anytime she's in my dreams I get upset when I wake up and I'm in an emotionally vulnerable state withdrawing from weed right now. My first reaction when she appeared in my dream was oh shit. Everything has to be perfect because she's going to judge and criticize and yell at me, as if I was my childhood self again. But I had a lucid moment later and made up a sword because I knew enemies were coming and she silently approved of it. Maybe that's some sort of spiritual sign.

still around somehow

I take back what I said in my last October post. Still get crazy shitty panic attack-esque episodes. Just a lot harder to get them when stoned. And that's how I've been surviving. Praying everyday and smoking up starting at 5am sometimes. Which I have recently discovered is the best time ever to take walks. It's still dark enough to see stars and shooting stars sometimes show up and you can watch the sky change colours as the sun comes up. Also, I get to gawk at people's yards and houses and hardly anyone is awake to gawk back. I've definitely become more paranoid. I just don't want people judging me. I'm afraid people can recognize me as the blue-haired girl who goes ridiculously nuts in the ER. I'm afraid people can see my pain and how immature and disordered my mind is these days. I can see how foolish and self-destructive my actions can be, and yet I cannot stop them. I've been cursed with an intelligence that can see the consequences of my impulsivity but has no control over it. What the hell happened to me to end up like this?
Speaking of ERs, I am not voluntarily going to step foot in one ever again for any psychiatric/psychological reasons whatsoever. And I will say good-bye to my relatively useless psychiatrist who I see barely once a month if that. All those psychiatrists are too busy to really give you their proper attention. All they do is keep prescribing more and more pills as if that solves everything. Meanwhile those pills cost money and side effects render what little benefits I got from them worthless. Especially Seroquel. That crap should only be taken if you have serious psychotic episodes. It is NOT a good anti-depressant, zombifies you and causes crazy weight gain and diabetes. I couldn't fit into some of my more snug dresses (incl. a Betsy Johnson dress!) anymore because of it. Thankfully that's not a problem anymore since I've stopped taking them along with some amphetamine use which always helps for that sort of thing.
I'm just trying to get through the days, waiting to see when I will get into in-patient rehab. I wasn't sure I needed it but if they can show me better ways to deal with my emotions then I figure I should try. And yes, I have become rather addicted. I can't believe it. I always kind of looked down on people like that. It just seemed foolish to keep doing something you know is ruining your life. Now I've learned that things are just not that obvious or as simple as that. I really thought I could get away with the benefits of drug use, mainly elevated mood. But I didn't count on them screwing up your brain chemicals and even structure. And so although each day is a bit easier to get through, I've still added another layer of problems on top of my borderline issues. Great. Something incredibly shocking that has not helped any of this, is the fact that one of my good friends who had ADHD that I wrote about here a couple times has passed away just before his 31st birthday on November 2nd 2010. Possibly from taking too much Seroquel with alcohol actually (he was a severe alcoholic). Can't write about it too much here because it's just so shocking and tragic and saddening and painful but we just attended a funeral and memorial service that I felt paid tribute to him very well. I just feel so bad for his parents and older sister.

Dear friend, I sincerely pray that you are at peace now, no longer suffering and destined for God's presence. I just wish I didn't have to say bye so soon. Why did you have to go and do this to us your friends and family?! I told you I wouldn't know what to do now

crazy psychiatrist!

So I tried to reschedule my appointment but I keep being deferred to someone else until I finally get to talk to the psychiatrist herself and it turns out she sounds grumpy and worn out. Very similar to another of her profession that I saw once long ago and he turned out to be crazier than me. Plus, she sounds like my Gr.9 economics teacher who was just terrible and stupid. All in all, there's no way in hell I'm going to talk to this lady again. Maybe my dad's right, maybe they're all a little loopy and need help themselves...

A long awaited appointment

So I'm finally supposed to see a psychiatrist soon but now I really don't want to. I just don't see the point anymore. I've been through so much and I'm getting better and I don't think I can explain everything in just an hour since there will be no follow up. They're just going to almost arbitrarily prescribe me more meds. Plus, it pains me alot to explain my mental problems in detail. I don't know. Really, I don't know what's best for me anymore physically speaking of course. Aren't I supposed to have a better support system around me medically wise at least? It's hard to go out and figure out what programs are out there for people like me...