fellow judgers

Hmm, I think I have noticed a disturbing trend I call 'judging fellows'. It occurs in this sort of situation mostly: someone has a problem, someone else who had a similar problem feels they can give advice on how to solve it but they also can get impatient, harsh and judgmental of the first person. Isn't that weird? You'd think that the person who had similar experiences would be the most sympathetic and supportive of the person with the problem but I've noticed that they can often be the opposite. A good example is the girl at my church who said she used to be addicted to drugs and would help me by calling me and praying for me everyday for my addiction. But as the weeks went by and I still didn't quit, she stopped calling me and later told me that I wasn't doing enough for myself to warrant her help. She was frustrated with me for not trying 'hard enough' by completely quitting. Well in fact, I've been doing alot more than just smoking up all the time and I've been regularly going to therapy which is a strong sign of someone doing something to help themselves! But to her that wasn't enough. I'm sure it's because she was able to quit everything pretty quickly and without any professional help and so she expected that it would be as simple for me. But addiction is different for everyone and there are varying degrees of severity. The more psychological issues you have, the harder it is to quit and believe me, I have more than the average person. I was so shocked and hurt when she told me how she felt. I thought she would be understanding but she in fact judged me through her own experience and thus had little patience for me and my struggles.
Another example is a few comments on reddit r/leaves which I have just discovered is just for people quitting weed or thinking about it which is awesome. One post talked about someone struggling to quit because they self-medicate for depression. One comment said that his problems are self-inflicted and that you need to get out and enjoy life and everyone else suffers too but they get over it and you should stop self-pitying and do stuff. The poster wrote back basically saying that that's what people say when they don't know what depression is like and it's offensive to him. I agree. It's hurtful and harsh and impatient of him because of the tone. It's mostly truthful but doesn't need to be written so angrily. The commenter wrote even more harsh words back with pretty much the same message as before but said they suffered from depression all their life. I was shocked. And thought about this fellow judging phenomenon. They said it took them years but they figured out how to be well and now they suddenly have no patience for others in the same boat but further behind.
So I guess this is a word of warning for myself and whomever. Just because someone went through something similar to your issues, doesn't mean they will be kind and understanding of them. They can just as easily have no patience and judge you as one who never had big issues because it wasn't as hard for them as it might be for you. No one goes through the same mental illnesses with the same experiences. It's harder on some than others and being harsh on people already suffering and vulnerable is just a recipe for disaster either way. For some people, quitting pot is not that hard. You just stop, maybe have a hard time sleeping for a few days, feel kinda funny but you get over it. It's just not the same way for me. I get dreams about using drugs and craving them, I feel alot of anxiety, sometimes to the point of panic attack episodes where I see and hear things that aren't there, I become self-destructive and have to fight powerful urges to cut and hurt myself, my emotions become even more unbalanced than they usually are with my BPD so everything becomes a big deal and everything I experience hurts more so I overreact to everything. Basically, I go crazy without weed. But it will drive me crazy if I don't stop soon. I can't believe what a trap I'm in. And nobody can tell me my experience is otherwise! I am struggling and that's the simple truth and it's my right to express it and need extra help for it.

misconceptions of mental illness

I have to admit a silly new habit that I find embarrassing: reading celebrity gossip. I used to look down on people who cared about celebrities and like so many other things I looked down on people for, I turn out to be the same as them. But probably for different reasons, well actually not really that much. It started with reading about Bobbi Kristina, Whitney Houston's daughter. As Houston's death got covered everywhere in the media, they started talking about the daughter's life, especially since she has similar problems as her mom and was in the hospital several times since the death. And I noticed that her life was similar to mine. I was 18 when my mom died, I was young but had to care for an ill mother emotionally like she did with Whitney's addictions, both our moms treated us more like friends, both of us have addiction issues too and have been in the hospital for emotional breakdowns. So now I'm interested to see how she handles it all, as if she's a friend with similar problems and we're both looking for solutions as we live our daily lives. Which translates into going to TMZ and trashy sites like it. Sigh. And what has that led to? Hearing about more celebrities with allegedly similar problems to mine. So I read about them too and empathize, even if it's not entirely accurate of the celebrity because of course, who really knows how they're doing. There's Demi Moore out of rehab for drugs and anorexia, Owen Wilson and his addictions and now there's Tila Tequila deciding to go to rehab after trying to kill herself all week and ending up in a hospital. The comments for this item caught my attention. Of course there was lots of flaming that I just try to ignore since they're of no value but there were a few more thoughtful comments. These comments revealed a lot of prejudice and misconceptions of mental disorders and mental illness in general.

-"Let her kill herself. Everyone is entitled to the choice of living or dying. If this troll wants to kill herself, let her."

Ok this is more like flaming but to some people it may look like a reasonable statement, especially if they are suicidal themselves. But it is not a true statement. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom of a psychiatric or psychological problem. There is no truly good reason to want to die aside from the debatable situation of being terminally ill.

-"New book idea suicide for dummies"

This is a popular thought that people have when they hear about someone trying to kill themselves repeatedly and is similar to the comment below. Both question, 'is the person really trying to die or what?' Instead of this judgemental questioning, you should be focusing on why someone would feel so badly that they would want to die or seriously injure themselves at all and repeatedly.

-"I agree this poor girl has some serious issues that need to be dealt with but also pretty sure she is an attention hog. I seem to remember a self video she did where she cut herself up or something. So with that said not sure what her intentions where/are."

Again questioning, 'did she really want to die?' and this person adds, 'or for attention?' But truly, what does it matter in the end? It's besides the point. The real point is that here is an individual who is possibly hurting herself for attention or really wants to die. Either way she needs professional medical level treatment for her psychological disorders and addictions (which is also classified as mental illness). Hurting yourself for attention is the behaviour of someone afflicted and suffering, not simply spoiled or badly behaving on purpose or manipulating as this comment suggests:

-"She is literally killing herself for attention and it seems to be working."

Even if she is manipulating for attention through trying to kill herself, does that sound like the behaviour of someone sane? They definitely have extreme thought patterns whatever the intentions, and that requires professional intervention and not condescending judgement from others!

-it's just a cry for help

Ok so I added this one but only because I hear a lot of this comment too when attempted suicide is brought up. If you were overboard in stormy seas, wouldn't you cry for help? Whatever the situation, even if it is a cry for help, then it's a sign that something's very wrong and the person needs help! If they're hurting themselves to cry for help, then they need psychiatric and/or psychological help and not condescending judgement!

-"even her website says she has "multiple personality disorder" ala "Cybil". She's not gonna last long."

At least this commenter acknowledges she suffers from an actual disorder that affects behaviour. But they see all the disorders and figure she's as good as dead. Yes some people unfortunately suffer from several disorders, substance abuse often comes along with a few personality disorders and bi-polar and schizophrenia and more. Yes that means they are at higher risk of early tragic deaths but most manage to live out their daily lives functionally with professional help. Stop all the harsh condemnation and judging of people who have mental illnesses!

tragic good-byes

I can only seem to write this in story/anecdote format:
I saw my psychologist the other day and mentioned that because I'm a small Asian woman, I think it would be pretty hard for me to get addicted to alcohol because I just can't drink all that much overall anyways. Then he mentioned a woman named Sandy that I had made friends with at the psych ward. He said, "Do you remember Sandy? She could really drink." Yeah I remember her well; she was skinnier than me and not much taller but definitely could drink since she told me she was an alcoholic. She said she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and started drinking young because she liked to party. She got married with a like-minded man but as they got older and had two children he stopped the partying but she didn't and now her family is so fed up with her behaviour that her husband was in the process of divorcing her and one of her kids didn't want to see her anymore. We became good friends while living in the ward together, playing alot of card games and walking together. I worried about her even in the ward since she was often on suicide watch which involves an orderly watching everything you do including sleep. She told me and it was obvious that she was going through a depressive episode. And then, after a visit from her children she was completely different. She smiled and laughed and said she felt so much better. The hospital released her soon after that and though we exchanged numbers, we didn't keep in touch. I figured she was busy adapting to the single life, looking after the kids and on the up-swing. As all these memories came up in my head I asked, "Oh yeah. How is she doing anyways? Haven't stayed in touch with her."
"She's dead. She committed suicide 8 months ago."
This sentence was a traumatic shock to the system, especially since I was expecting to hear mostly evasive small-talk. And then I wept. I know I only knew her for maybe two months tops as my psychologist pointed out when I got angry at how flippantly he told me of her death but I wept because it is such a tragic end for an individual who struggled with a lot. I wept over the doubly destructive power of both mental illness and addiction. I wept for her ex and especially her children who are still in grade school. It must have been so hard for them to watch, depend on and understand their unstable mom while growing up at the same time. I'm not sure what my psychologist's intention was in telling me about this, maybe scare me into behaving or some crap? "Death is always around. But we shouldn't let it take away from the life we have now." I know I know but I can't help feeling traumatized. She was a really kind and friendly woman and I really hoped she would get better. I can't believe she's gone too. And of course I'm reminded of my close friend who passed away in November. I met him at the psych ward too. He had ADHD and myriad addiction problems but again, a really nice guy. Having severe mental illness and addiction issues at the same time is looking pretty lethal and tortuous for everyone involved.

will you think less of me?

If I relapse back into active addiction, will you think less of me?
If I fall into depression and don't get out much, will you think less of me?
If I complain of feeling too much emotional pain, memories haunting me, will you think less of me?
If I find myself crying because of the smallest things, will you think less of me?
If I start hurting myself, cutting and burning my skin to feel better, will you think less of me?
If I purposely overdose because I can't take it anymore, will you think less of me?
Unfortunately, these are the questions I wonder about with my family and close friends very often. And sometimes I assume the answers are yes. Sometimes their reactions really look like a resounding yes which sends me into despair because it's such an extreme fear of mine; others' judgments of me. And yet, these are all symptoms of having BPD. I have to struggle with them all the time, less when I'm doing better obviously. And I still go for my therapy twice a week and go to MA meetings. But I also know it's quite the burden to know a loved one is always on the edge of crisis and I really hate being a burden. All of this is like holding a contradiction or dichotomy in my head and it feels like torture because I'm always flipping between one side and the other. It's like my suffering and symptoms vs. the well-being of those around me and somewhere inbetween, my responsibility to try to get better. I spoke to my group therapy leader about all this a little and she reminded me, all I can do is my best. So take it one day at a time, do your best and be satisfied with that. Don't worry about whether it's enough or not, or what will happen because what more can you do anyways? I guess I forgot and got ahead of myself because of my fears and past experiences. No wonder some of the main mottos in AA is 'take it one step at a time. Take it one day at a time'.

stigma on mental illness

I read this in the paper today and felt I had to write about it. (The Gazette, February 9th 2011. Pg A16)
The article said, "Shame and fear often prevents people from seeking treatment. The Canadian Mental Health Association found that more than half of people living with mental disorders said that they were embarrassed about their mental health problems."
I wrote here before about how it's inevitable that if you have mental health issues you are going to be ashamed of them. It's admitting your worst weaknesses and that you're not always sane. But must it really be this way? If someone has heart disease or lung cancer, should they also feel ashamed of them? Of course not. But their lifestyle choices could have contributed them to having the diseases, like smoking or not eating well. And yet, with a lot of mental illnesses, one has very little control over whether you contribute to getting them or not and still the shame is so strong. The brain is just another organ, as the heart and lungs are and all can develop disorders and diseases. It's not our fault so why should we be shamed and embarrassed? As with cancer, we need to be diagnosed properly and go through with appropriate treatments so we suffer less and consequently ease the strain on our loved ones and the health system.
But the public's attitude is generally of not much help either. In the same article they said, "The Canadian Medical Association found 46 per cent of the 1,002 Canadians surveyed for the 2008 National Report Card on Health believed that mental illness was "an excuse for bad behaviour.""
WTF?!! That's a sad percentage of Canadians who are ignorant enough to blame the victims of disease for their symptoms. That's like telling someone with epilepsy to stop trying to get attention by having seizures. As if they're doing it on purpose! It's like telling someone suffering from bad migraines to stop complaining and get on with life. These people are suffering and need treatment and help, not others judging them for it and telling them to just stop crying and get on with life. Believe me, if I could just get on with my life without help, I would've already. No one enjoys self-destructing and hurting the ones they love around them in the process. No one likes going in and out of ERs and psych wards just for the attention. No one has fun losing touch with reality and losing control over oneself.

pot/weed/marijuana/mary jane

I've noticed more and more studies coming out saying weed can make mental illness appear faster in people already predisposed.
http://www.montrealgazette.com/health/story.html?id=4243830
And then the comments of others on the articles are always disproportionately rage-fueled rants against pharma or conservative conspiracies. Look, I know more than anybody how many benefits there are in smoking but the unfortunate truth is that it all comes at a price. It may not lead directly to death or brain cell death but it still affects the same dopamine system in your brain as alcohol, cocaine and other mood-altering drugs. And so your brain still changes its physiological structure to adapt to the higher levels of dopamine caused by continuous long-standing drug use, including weed use. So you can't kid yourself, the stuff still affects your brain chemicals and it's not all good. It's that cycle in the dopamine system that eventually leads to addiction. Of course, alot of people can use weed and not have it become a problem but just because it doesn't give you problems doesn't mean it doesn't give problems for others.
And then of course there's the stereotype that no one goes to rehab for marijuana. I thought that too. That's partly why I refused to go to rehab for a year though my psychologist kept suggesting it. Well here I am. I went to rehab because of weed mainly. It is my drug of choice. And when I got there I met others who were there because of weed too. It's not just alcoholics and cocaine users. There were also people there only addicted to prescription painkillers, or speed and ecstasy and gamblers who lost everything, and they don't even ingest any substances. Then when I got out, I found Marijuana Anonymous meetings and at the first one I went to, the speaker explained that he got addicted only to marijuana, and it eventually got so bad he started robbing houses to get the money to pay for his habit.
Conclusion: the dangers of marijuana are statistically small but still very real.