a spiritual revelation

This happened to me back in December but I never got to write it down. I just came out of rehab for my first weekend at home (then I had to go back) and it was also Christmas Eve. One of the biggest skills they want you to remember and use is mindfulness. It just means staying in the present moment, not ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Just being at peace in the present since nothing is threatening your well-being right in the moment. Basically, it's living while fully aware of the present. Getting high or drunk or stressing out like crazy are all opposites of being mindful. So, it was my first weekend home from rehab and I was stressing. Mainly because my family did no shopping whatsoever so I had to run around before stores closed and because I didn't have my usual crutch to deal with the stress. But I remembered I had a bit of a joint left in my desk and so I caved and smoked it. And then God spoke to me. I felt a spiritual connection open up (I'm sure partly because I was high) and God said to me, "Do you know the most important reason why you should be mindful of the present? It is because every moment of your life is a gift from Me. So, every time you try to run away from it with drugs or become troubled by the past or future, you are not appreciating my gift." It was a eureka moment. Aha! That's the true spiritual reason why one shouldn't be out of it all the time, aside from it just being bad for you overall. I'm so glad to know this, but alas, it doesn't make the cravings any less. But anyway, I hope this is a foundation I can build on.

the progression thus far

I know I'm heading for a dip right now but overall I know I'm still progressing too. I guess the road to recovery from BPD and addiction is really up and down but always still overall going up. Even if it feels super slow sometimes. For example, I know so much more about myself and how I think than I ever did in my entire life. By extension, I'm more honest with myself and God than I ever was in my life. I can admit that my mind is disordered, that I can't stand being alone, I don't know who I am and even small things can scare the shit out of me. And that I have become an addict and do need fellowship with others, no one can live like an island. I tried. Also, I can't judge or look down on anyone anymore. I used to feel a bit self-righteous when it came to people like the homeless, or drug addicts and prostitutes but I can't look down on them anymore. I am an addict and if it wasn't for my family I would be on the streets too. These people, along with the mentally ill and drug dealers and others on the edge of society are generally downtrodded, broken or suffering in some way. Now that I suffer so much myself, I can't look down on anyone for it. And I'm sure God is glad of this new attitude in me. It's so easy when you've got it together to look down on those who don't, like why can't you get yourself together? I did it so everyone else should be able to. You must be lazy or something. Oh how ignorant and pompous I was. This is progress, my heart is maturing in some way and this is something the devil can never take away from me, no matter how close to death I may have come or yet come to.

eep! Feb 21st is coming...

I had been doing well generally but then it became February. A friend of mine might be to blame for this since he was the one who reminded me I should take steps to face February and May better. But honestly I haven't figured it out. I'm just panicking. Already my mind has begun dragging me back into traumatic memories involving my mom when I'm not thinking of anything in particular. So, I'm doing my best to keep busy; see movies with friends, go to church events, listen to positive-ish music, keep cooking for my family. Today I made Korean-style omrice: an omelette but with fried rice inside. And I did my best to convey my desperation to my psychologist today. I guess it sort of worked because he gave me another hour more than usual which was kind, though it didn't feel like it. I hate talking about stuff that bothers me but he's the most sane person I know so I better open up to him. And he reminded me it's my mind, myself that's causing me so much pain. Not my memories or the fact that my mom's birthday is coming up. He says it's like I'm letting myself be haunted by ghosts that aren't really there. It can be a time to celebrate the good memories instead of a time to dread. I explained there's just so many intense conflicting emotions surrounding my mom that I'm having a really hard time letting go. I know it's all in my head. I guess I'm still shocked that she pretty much traumatized me in almost every way possible and all the way up to 2 years ago I thought it was all normal stuff. I know now that she was suffering herself and she didn't intend to hurt me but I still get mad. Then I get sad because I just miss her and want her back. And then the thought of breaking into the mausoleum and eating her ashes comes up again. That way she can never leave me. But then I'll probably start to freak out that she's invading or possessing me from within so ugh. Is there no way of getting happy?? Other than another joint of course. And that gets harder to fight off as well. I just start to wish for a little relief from my mind. I know I need to change the way I think but it takes forever and I'm trying, meanwhile I'm going nuts in the present. So why not turn to drugs again? But I don't want to get stuck in the same slavery over again. But I did slip twice now thanks to leftover dust in my desk. So I'm left with so few options, none of them extremely helpful. All I can do are little things to eventually get through the day without destroying myself too much. And so, if you're able to get through the daily grind without the world blowing up in your face, you have so much to be thankful for. Honestly God, I won't take it for granted ever again. Just being able to fully live, get through the day with your mind engaged and intact. I don't care if Your plan for me is to mop floors the rest of my life, so long as I don't feel like this anymore, with a mind that hampers me from dealing with reality.

Something not so bad in May

Ok I admit it. February and May are the worst months for me emotionally. The first one has my mom's birthday in it and the latter has the day she died along with Mother's Day just to rub it in some more. I really don't know how I'm going to get through them. Basically I hate spring season. But I found out that May is BPD awareness month in the U.S and that could be really good. We really need more awareness so there's less ignorance and shaming and more treatments. (And more distraction from myself for me!) Here's the bill they passed for it.

HRES 1005 EH

H. Res. 1005

InH. RES. 1005
Supporting the goals and ideals of Borderline Personality Awareness Month.
IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
February 27, 2008

Mr. TOM DAVIS of Virginia (for himself and Mr. VAN HOLLEN) submitted the following resolution; which was referred to the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform
RESOLUTION Supporting the House of Representatives, U. S.,

April 1, 2008.

Whereas borderline personality disorder (BPD) affects the regulation of emotion and afflicts approximately 2 percent of the general population;

Whereas BPD is a leading cause of suicide, as an estimated 10 percent of individuals with this disorder take their own lives;

Whereas BPD usually manifests itself in adolescence and early adulthood;

Whereas symptoms of BPD include self-injury; rage; substance abuse; destructive impulsiveness; a pattern of unstable emotions, self-image, and relationships; and may result in suicide;

Whereas BPD is inheritable and is exacerbated by environmental factors;

Whereas official recognition of BPD is relatively new, and diagnosing it is often impeded by lack of awareness and frequent co-occurrence with other conditions, such as depression, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, anxiety, and eating disorders;

Whereas despite its prevalence, enormous public health costs, and the devastating toll it takes on individuals, families, and communities, BPD only recently has begun to command the attention it requires;

Whereas it is essential to increase awareness of BPD among people suffering from this disorder, their families, mental health professionals, and the general public by promoting education, research, funding, early detection, and effective treatments; and

Whereas the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder and the National Alliance on Mental Illness have requested that Congress designate May as Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month as a means of educating our Nation about this disorder, the needs of those suffering from it, and its consequences: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives supports the goals and ideals of Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

Crazy list of Christian metal bands

Wow, I think this is the most extensive list of bands I've ever seen thus far. It's so long I can't really re-post it here but here's the link. I'm also saving it to my computer should it ever disappear!
http://christianmetal.hyves.nl/blog/29186294/Christian_Metal_List/-xVD/

For Christian lovers of Art

So very often, sincere Christians ask themselves and each other what is ok to listen/watch/look at and what isn't? We had a great guest speaker a couple weeks ago who touched on that subject at church. Short answer: depends. Does the song/movie/TV show etc. bring your heart closer to God or further away? We definitely have to be careful of what we consume but of course, everyone is different. There could be an R rated movie with shocking scenes but it's plot is about redemption or certain elements remind you of Jesus' character or you marvel at how well made it is as a whole or just at the wonderful backdrops or costumes or how well it unfolds human nature. Alright, it could be ok for you. Maybe someone of an older generation wouldn't see these things and just find it traumatizing. Then it's not ok for them. Even if Bambi wrenches your heart so much that you question God's goodness, then maybe you should avoid it.
For me personally with music, it's definitely important for me to purposely listen to some lyrically positive songs, whatever genre it doesn't matter. I know if I listen to NIN too long or some of silverchair's Freakshow when I'm in a good mood, it'll eventually drag me down and I know God wouldn't be happy about that. On the other hand, when I'm already in a bad mood, it can help to know others can feel the same way as me. But I've still got to sprinkle in some more upbeat tunes. For metal in general, I think enjoying the skill required to play it well is similar to enjoying God's skill in creating the beautiful things in nature. In the end, the best is to pray to God about it and listen/watch for His guidance for your own particular heart.

cold/asthma/indoor air pollution...

I've actually done pretty good this winter time in terms of colds. Last time I got sick was in September. And now I am sick from this past Saturday and of course my period starts at the exact same time and my asthma got triggered again. At one point I was afraid I would have to go to the ER again because my inhaler was starting to lose its efficacy. But thanks be to God, it's gotten better now. At one point, my dad dropped by in my room to see how I was and then went on one of his scientific rants (hazard of having a PhD in nuclear physics and mathematics) and declared that the rising rates of asthma in children is largely due to indoor air pollution. I mentioned some articles I had read in the newspaper about kids immune systems being crappier because of environments that are too clean, so what about that? That may also be true but his argument sounded logical and alarming. We've got too much stuff in our houses, workplaces and schools and we don't know what they're all made of. Plus they trap all kinds of dust and microbes etc. He said everything gives off tiny amounts of molecules into the air all the time and in the case of something like poisonous heavy metals, only tiny amounts accumulated over time in our bodies can start to affect us. Yikes. I always found my plush Spongebob looked a little creepy in the dark but now he may truly be acting sinisterly since I don't know what he's made of either. And what about all the other children's toys made so cheaply out there? Eeep. Gotta have less stuff. And crack open windows whenever possible.
P.S my dad's rants make it impossible to watch Mythbusters with him. He always announces how obvious that the myth is true/not/sometimes. He doesn't see the point behind it. It's funny and frustrating at the same time.