if only I lived in Europe/Halloween

Even if only to see Antestor and several metalfests! Arg! Instead I'm across the ocean. So apparently Antestor are gonna play in the Netherlands Nov.3rd and then Germany in Blast of Eternity Nov.10th. I need to find out more about this Blast of Eternity thing. Looks like a Christian metal fest?? I dunno, I'll find out and post more later. Could be good for finding new bands to listen to.

I know I'm not really supposed to but I figure small amounts of Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir are ok to ring in the Halloween season which is my favorite holiday. Unfortunately I'm used to getting smashed and crazy high every Halloween at costume parties, so being sober now I was getting depressed about no more partying. I managed to speak up at my Marijuana Anonymous meeting about it and they said there's a sober Halloween party this weekend organized by Narcotics Anonymous. Wow that will be a different experience! So I'll be a pirate and my bf will be Jesus. He really looks like the stereotypical Jesus with his long hair down. Hopefully a friend or two of mine can come along too though I'm not sure who would willingly forgo intoxication if they're not addicts on Halloween weekend. Want to know what happened last year at Halloween? I went to a high school friend's party at his appartment, met some new people, including my future bf, drank and smoked up so much that I had to go to the bathroom to snort some lines of blow to counteract everything I took because the room was spinning so fast, but I took too much of everything and didn't have enough blow to counteract it all so when someone opened the door to the bathroom, I was leaning on it and fell to the floor because I couldn't stand on my own. I got dragged to a couch where I thought I was gonna die it felt so horrible to be too drunk and high at the same time. I kept calling for an ambulance but nobody could hear me over the music. Eventually I felt better then partied some more and chatted with my future bf again. Crazy, I never want to be that intoxicated ever again. Then, on actual Halloween day, I went trick-or-treating with a friend. Her costume covered her face and I look really young for my age so we got away with being way too old to trick-or-treat but before we went out, we smoked up, took magic mushrooms and I had a few lines of blow. The decorations of the houses looked really pretty then! But yikes, it was always overkill for me. I can't believe how many drugs I would mix on a daily basis.

RIP Amanda Todd

Her story was so sad it brought me down terribly for days. First it was shocking to see just how horrible and even more hurtful cyberbullying can be. When I was 12, it just wasn't possible for someone to get a video of a girl's breasts and threaten her with it and find out all her friends and family and send it to them all. God that is just devastating, especially since girls get routinely bullied in real life high schools for seeming slutty or being 'whores' and sleeping around. Why guys don't get the same treatment is proof of how stupid a reason it is to be abused. She got beaten by crowds of people at school, changed cities but it followed her everywhere since her breasts were posted on facebook. But then to hear of how she fell into major depression, anxiety disorder, substance abuse and cutting herself along with 2 suicide attempts, no 15 year old should have to deal with such heavy psychological problems. I suffered the same disorders but they started when I was 23, and still it was devastating and I nearly died several times, so no wonder she did finally die from suicide just a couple weeks ago. But it didn't have to happen. I think the internet is desensitizing people in how they treat others. Bullying is getting worse as a result so it's got to be treated differently now. Even on her memorial facebook page people still insult her, calling her an attention whore and such. These people are ignorant biggots. They're the same people who think self-harming is just for the attention, and call cutters emo whores. Well have I got news for you people. It's a way to deal with overwhelming psychological pain, and even if it is for the attention, how is that something to make fun of? If someone is drowning in the sea and they call for help, would you still laugh at them and call them attention whores? Self-harm comes from suffering serious mental health problems, you don't laugh at someone suffering from a heart attack because of heart disease do you? So how about similar respect for mental illnesses?

New Antestor album!!!

They announced it on facebook, their new album is coming out really soon and it's called Omen!! They also released a teaser of some of the songs but it's so short it's hard to tell really how it will be like. I'm just excited they're still making new albums and will try to buy it asap!
About Antestor tabs, as I've just mentioned I've been really busy with just life, so it'll be a while till I release any new tabs. Meanwhile, enjoy the ones I've got and if the links don't work, tell me. I'm too lazy for now to see for myself.

suddenly so busy!

Haven't written here for a while precisely because of the title. It's quite the shock to my system. I went from doing absolutely nothing but getting drugs or getting high to going to school 3 times a week, going to church, group therapy once a week, individual therapy once a week, seeing my pastor one on one, going to the printmaking studio at least once a week, Marijuana Anonymous every Monday, seeing the occasional friend or the bf and keeping up with homework. Whew it is starting to wear me down. I know most people do way more than all those things but I'm still very fragile after all I've been through. I thought I would feel better after the midterms were done with, afterall I got 87% in intro to psychology and 91% in biology. But I still feel run down. I did some deep breathing for 15 minutes today to try to get some relaxation relief and prayed to God twice today but still, they only helped a bit. But I have the car today so I'll still push myself to go to Bible study group where I've met alot of nice people. I only met them once though and I wonder if they can handle the heavy duty crap I've been through... It's so hard now to meet new people. I've lost so many friends because I was in crisis for so long and they either didn't know what to do or how to help or felt disgust at my drug usage and self-harming behaviours. I've been abandoned by alot of people I thought were true friends. Now I'm still bitter and angry but I guess that's just human nature for you. When someone suddenly needs more than you're comfortable with, you leave. Now I'm cautious to the point of paranoia when I meet new people.
Anyways, life is still better than what it was before rehab and the hospital and all that. I just hope I can keep it all up.

teetering yet firm

I think that's the best way to describe how I'm doing these days. I spend alot of time with my amazing bf who is doing well on his meds, (hardly any paranoid talking) I go to Marijuana Anonymous meetings and the occasional Narcotics Anonymous, I go to my group therapy once a week now with familiar faces from rehab and I now go to the printmaking studio that I am a member of and am relearning the lithography stone process again and I'm falling in love with it all over again. I have so many ideas for artwork/prints that I can't keep up. In a couple days I will start school in Psychology and I think I'm ready, we'll see. And I'm 80 days sober. These are all the good things. The not so good things are that my thoughts become mostly depressing when I'm alone and I'm constantly tempted to drug or drink again. Avoiding alcohol is the hardest since it's everywhere. I have to make sure wherever I go, people are not going to drink around me which can be tricky sometimes. My bf's family knows my problems as a result of my bf having to tell them on my behalf not to drink when I'm over for dinner. I can't really go to parties anymore except for a small amount where drinking won't happen anyways and I can't really eat at pubs or places that have prominent bars, even if they are restaurants first. Going to the corner store is difficult too since here in Quebec, beer can be sold in any one and in grocery stores. So I have to be constantly vigilant. Thankfully through God's grace I have the firm motivation to stay vigilant always but it's hard. I'll have thoughts where I miss drinking with friends or just with the nice weather. What's even harder is being vigilant against pot. Sometimes even though I'm being careful, I'll get a whiff of it in my face walking around downtown or even in my sleepy neighbourhood. The other day while waiting for a bus, I scanned the ground for any potential roaches I could pick up and smoke, even though I don't want to smoke it ever again. Even harder are the dreams where I get tempted and give in and they are so real, I'm really getting high in my dreams sometimes. And then there's the thoughts like, oh I could have just one puff, just for fun, or I can have just one line, I never did cocaine all that much... I told my bf and he said, remember when you did lines for 5 days in a row? You were constantly crying and delirious. Oh yeah, that was one of the worst times of my life. I remember going to my psychologist and just crying and crying and he said, "you're in such a bad state that I can't do anything for you." That helped me deal with those stupid 'I can have just a bit' thoughts.

back from total hell

hey long time no type!
I've just been through and still am going through a journey and a half. My last post was pretty depressing, why? Because I was very suicidal and got even worse afterwards, to the point that I tried to find a good bridge to jump off of. It's a very long story but basically I ended up at the Douglas mental hospital who sent me back to my local hospital psychiatric ward where I stayed locked up for a month with people who drove me up the wall and then I went straight to rehab (the same one I went to before) for 28 days and got out July 10th. So now that's 48 days of sobriety, the longest I've been clean in almost 4 years. It's a constant struggle to stay clean but I still have help in the form of twice weekly group therapy, an addiction therapist and my regular psychologist. Plus my ever supportive bf who stopped smoking up with me and a few friends. Life is still a crazy rollercoaster but so far I've been able to handle it better than before. I'm doing my best to avoid all self-destructive behaviours, including cutting, burning, banging my head, overdosing on meds and all drugs and alcohol. I only have the occasional puff of my bf's cigarettes. I'll elaborate more on what happened to me, as I feel more and more stable which could take a while.
Meanwhile, I'm registered in psychology at Concordia University in biology, math and intro to psych. I also got accepted into a printmaking studio downtown so I will hopefully start soon making litho prints and mezzotints. I realized in rehab that I missed that art form alot. I also sing and play guitar with my bf who plays djembe and that helps us both feel good too.

Drop into hell

Today is just another day, or so it should be in my head but instead it is doomsday for my psyche. The official day my mom died. I'm so torn between intensely missing her because my identity depended on her to an unhealthy degree and being terrified of her because I can still hear her criticizing, imperious voice/ghost and being incredibly angry at what she did to me over the years. So all of these crazy intensely negative emotions fuel my addictions more so now I'm tripping out to music while high on weed and shrooms. Later I'll have some lines and a drink or two and certainly more weed. Yes I know they will all make me worse but it's so I avoid acting on the voice in my head, the part of me brainwashed by my mom's words when I was little that just wants to destroy me. I had a fantasy that became a serious plan, to take all the prescription pills I have and some Tylenol, have a few drinks and show up to my psychologist appointment and tell him what I did at the end of the session. So fucking stupid but part of me is trying to force the rest of me to do it and it's winning out except for the fact that my brother called my old pastor and a church friend so they are both coming for dinner tonight which is really nice of them so I'm trying harder to be in one piece by the end of the day so they don't come all the way out to my house for nothing. After that though, I don't know how I will keep fighting my stupid self. Meanwhile, all the drugs are making my reality so dark and painful because they make me super-sensitive to everything, every single experience is overwhelming. Even the affection from my bf is overwhelming now, I have to tell him to dial it down which is really something because I'm normally the passionate one. Simple tasks and errands/chores are also overwhelmingly stressful now. Also too paranoid about people I don't know or don't know very well so that adds more stress. Just walking in public is a huge deal because I just want to hide from everyone. Asking for help is hard too because if they do, it feels like my situation is worse than I want to believe so it's good my brother did that for me for today at least. Oh great, the poster of the solar system is coming to life like animated 3D right in front of my eyes and I have to go see my psychologist in an hour.