my comforter...?

Jesus be my Comforter. I don't know how that works but that is because of the silly limitations in my head and not because I don't believe you can comfort me. I'm not doing so good right now. They called and told me there will be a bed for detox next week for me but my individual therapist keeps saying I don't need it. Meanwhile my psychologist of 2 years says I do need it. I'm so stressed about deciding because I can't. I'm getting conflicting messages from outside and within since I know I will get more care there but at the same time will be treated as and surrounded by crazy people. They are nice people but very desperate and in bad shape (mentally) and I will get influenced by them again because I'm fragile too and going a little crazy myself. Please comfort me more than drugs and alcohol do. I'm so tempted right now to get some wine to blunt the fact that I won't have any weed left in 2 days since I told my source I'm not getting anymore. So tempted to try and erase the pain and stress or inflict more pain on myself to feel less. But I believe you can comfort more than any of these things can, put together. So what am I to do, wait patiently and delay the destructive actions I compulsively feel I need? While I burn up with pain inside? I just don't know. So all I can do is ask, please be my number one Comforter, hopefully sometime soon.

kindness from strangers

I'm surprised I haven't been freaking out about it but I'm starting to I think, since May is coming up. And I remembered what I was doing this time last year but I want to be thankful. I had overdosed on some random pills just trying to end the pain, mourning and insanity in my head. I ended up in the ER once again and the next day, when my family doctor was working and said hi but didn't pay me more attention, I yanked the IV out of my arm and got blood everywhere and ran. It was the anniversary of my mother's death so I decided to walk to the cemetery nearby to pray and with nothing but a bloody hospital gown and socks in the cold spring morning. Eventually a passerby decided to call police on me meanwhile an employee of the hospital on her way to work stopped and talked with me, made sure I was ok and gave me a cigarette. She wanted to drive me back to the ER but I still wanted to go to the cemetery so she waited with me till police came. That was very kind of her but I'm not sure I was able to voice that at the time. And then the two police officers who came were even more kind. They drove me to the cemetery, answered my questions about ticket quotas (yes they use them), picked me some flowers at the cemetery and then drove me back to the ER. Wow they were absolute gentlemen and didn't judge me as just another crazy person! So I want to thank them and the lady for showing me kindness when I needed it the most. I hope to do the same for someone else someday.

a proper comparison

It's going alright so far with just one a day. I just really look forward to the 4 times a day I have a couple tokes. Otherwise I'm cooking, doing a little gardening, hanging out with my bro and the occasional friends. But I figured I should do an official comparison of the pros and cons of smoking, now that I'm more aware of both than ever before. It's crazy all the contradictory things it does to me and I want to motivate myself more by keeping the cons in mind. Eventually it is just untenable to continue in addiction.
Let's start with the pros:
- relaxation, muscles relax, calming
- dopamine rush, euphoria, happy feelings, temporary energy
- fun visual distortions, closed-eye visuals, music from nowhere and tripping
- stimulated creative thinking
- heightened perception of visual details, makes everything look magical
- opens up spiritual planes of existence
- distracts me from problems, personal issues
- prevents BPD driven episodes of self-destructiveness temporarily

Cons:
- exacerbates emotional issues stemming from my Borderline Personality Disorder: I become more emotionally unstable and paranoid of others.
- aggravates my asthma, I'm also allergic to smoke
- takes over and replaces most other pleasurable activities in my life
- sucks up my creative passions (don't play instruments or do artwork)
- withdrawal symptoms: agitated, insomnia, even more emotionally sensitive than usual
- hides issues and problems from myself, can't be aware of everything or work on self-improvement
- upsets chemical balances in my brain
- costs money, takes effort to roll and smoke undetected several times a day
- possible DUIs/accidents/problems with law
- lower motivation, less energy and ability to focus
- eventually leads to more mental instability and BPD episodes of self-destructiveness: emotional boomerang effect where negative feelings/thoughts I try to avoid come back with a vengeance.
- interferes with prescribed meds
- influences me to want to take other drugs eventually
- slowly keep wanting and smoking more and more, exacerbating all the cons

Happy Resurrection Day!

Mentioning the word Easter only makes me think of silly white bunnies and chocolate eggs. How ridiculously trivial compared to the amazing event of the Son of God dying and coming back to life to save me and all humanity from sin and death! Truly, our faith as Christians is founded on Resurrection Day because that's when Jesus rose victorious over all evil. But of course, this is the ultimate reality of the universe and not what we experience everyday and that's what trips me up like crazy. My pastor mentioned this in his sermon yesterday when he said that if you don't see Jesus' victory then you won't have the confidence, joy and assurance that comes with knowing God's love. Instead we tend to focus on the grave, on what seems impossible, on all the negativity in the world. I definitely do that but I just can't help it, I don't know if my BPD makes it harder to have faith in something I can't physically sense directly and am more sensitive to our fallen state. Thus I am thankful for at least this time of the year to focus on something I have trouble believing is the true reality. After all the apostle Paul said "I want to know Jesus and the power of the Resurrection!" So I should identify with the cross everyday and remind myself that the Resurrection guarantees my own resurrection one day.
My pastor made the very astute observation that before they saw and believed that Jesus resurrected, the disciples had shaky faith and were sometimes downright idiotic. But later they changed the whole world because their perspective was completely transformed. After knowing Jesus came back to life and beating sin and the devil, they counted on miracles as regular occurrences with the Holy Spirit and every Christian can do this too, even today. There are miracles happening everyday all over the world but we close our eyes to them since we don't even believe they're possible. I know now that my disorder shuts my eyes and keeps me drawn to the evil and suffering so I have to try doubly hard to keep meditating and focusing on the true reality of Jesus' victory and that he suffered out of pure love for me. Unfortunately no one can love perfectly as I intensely crave from those around me but Jesus the Creator Incarnate does.

one a day

Starting today I have decided on a concession between the two approaches to quitting: slowly reducing and going cold turkey. I am sticking to one joint a day and I'm going to break it up into just a couple tokes at a time. Then tell them how it went in 3 days. So far it's already a bit up and down. I still get stoned but it doesn't last as long, so when my head is a bit more clear sometimes distressing thoughts or memories pop in. But so far it's sufficient for me to use the trick of seeing them as objects flowing in a river; they will pass so there's no need to hold on to them and freak out. I have to just let the negativity and cravings for alcohol and cocaine pass. I can't believe my brain is so hooked it just keeps craving other drugs while I try to quit another. That's a pretty big sign of being an addict. I guess it's about endurance now and keeping busy.
Also, I think a part of me agreed to this because the people at the center said I should go into detox at the psych ward but now they say the opposite and that I'm scared for nothing, it won't be as bad as before. Well I guess we'll see who's right then. Might as well start cutting down and if I start losing it or having episodes, then they can see for themselves what I've been afraid of since I'll be there everyday. It's like I need to prove how unwell I am. Which is stupid but I can't help but worry that it's all just in my head. Maybe I just think I'm unwell, I can't tell and it's frustrating. I'm further confused by my psychologist saying that personality disorders are not mental illnesses. So what the heck am I suffering from? I understand it's not entirely biologically based but it is partly. So what do you call them then?
And then I worry that I got addicted on purpose so that I have something to identify with and places where I can belong as someone who needs help with substance abuse because as someone suffering from BPD, there is nowhere or any group I can belong to and get help except for one DBT group that only starts once a year. It just makes me feel like such an outcast, like I crave attention for nothing and don't have any real problems. This thought is so distressing it makes me want to use more but instead I'll show them what happens to me without more drugs even if it means I become more self-destructive. Even in group in the day program others can't relate to my BPD problems. My issues honestly make me as if I'm on drugs or suffering withdrawal even when I'm not but for the others, they get better after just a little clean time. Lucky bastards, if only through a selfish point of view.

now in the day program

I recently started in the day program at this treatment center which means I go there everyday for 5 hours. It's all group stuff and different speakers/therapists and subjects. Some of it is boring but some of it is interesting too. Like all the information on how drugs affect your brain and how others are doing and their experiences. But I am getting discouraged. I think I'm the only one still using in the group since most of the others went into detox too and I'm having a really hard time stopping. I'm just too scared, like I'll fall into the depths of hell if I stop. Others have said that alcohol grosses them out now, they got so sick of it but I don't feel that at all. I still miss the buzz and warm feelings you get from it at first. And obviously it's the same with weed. The others sympathized though, nearly everyone said they got addicted to weed too and found it hard to stop or would just switch to other drugs. My individual therapist suggested I stop by reducing slowly but my psychologist says I should stop cold turkey at the hospital since it's easy to smoke more if stressed. I think he's right but at the same time I do not want to be in a psych ward again. But I'm so scared to just stop by myself. I hate being conflicted.
Oh by the way, happy 4/20 day. It's dark, quiet and rainy and Frank is cozily curled up sleeping in my bed. It's a perfect day to smoke all day.
Arg.

empathy turned inwards

I read recently in a study that people with BPD are extremely good at telling what people's emotional states are by just looking at their eyes. This made sense to me because I always felt I could tell pretty well myself and because it is like a survival mechanism. During childhood I had to figure out some way of knowing when someone might blow up because that could ruin my whole world for the day. It's funny though because at the same time we suck at interpreting certain social cues, espcially when we're stressed. There was a sample of the test they used where you see a photo of someone's eyes and you have to guess what emotional state they're in. It was multiple choice but I decided not to look at the options to make it harder. It was a funny sensation when I took a good look at the photo of the eyes. Their dark pupils seemed to swallow me up for a second and then I could feel the emotion I saw: panic. So I looked at the answer and it was indeed panic. So that was neat. Then I checked out some of the comments and one person pointed out, if you look at another person with BPD you see emptiness in their eyes. I thought about this and realized it is true. I see it in my reflection and I remember seeing it in others' eyes who also had BPD. I think it's because we have no consistent sense of self and instead feels like there's a black hole inside, constantly threatening to destroy everything.