special person

Ok so this is why I haven't been writing as much recently, I've met someone I call my lovable nutcase. We have so much fun together and he's extremely intelligent, a computer whiz, an amazing drummer, an incredibly sweet person, so honest, has stunning long wavy hair, good looks, passionate and suffers from schizophrenia. We've both fallen hard and fast but at the same time we haven't been exactly good for each other it seems. I thought, ah I finally found someone to lose myself with but lost we did get. He's now in the midst of a psychotic episode at the Douglas mental hospital and I've started smoking everyday and finding it hard to cut back. I don't know what will happen. For now I just visit him almost everyday, sometimes chat with his family who also come to visit. He has such elaborate stories in his head that he just can't discount as too crazy to be real. It's like his far-reaching intelligence and imagination are in overdrive and the ability to tell dreams from reality is malfunctioning. He believes he's caught up in conspiracies with the CIA and that people are out to get him and have stolen some of his organs and that he has other selves who can time travel etc... He's definitely out there. He was with me when he got suddenly worse, and when he insisted I should leave while he tried to catch a 'poisonous spider' he started crying when I was about to leave. I said, "why are you crying?" and he said "Because this is probably the last time we'll ever see each other since I'm gonna die. Whatever happens it's important that you know that I think you're an amazing person and I'll always remember the good times we had." My reaction (in my head) "AWWWWWwwww!" Wow he really thinks he's gonna die and I'm that important to him?? So this is the story that prompted my brother to say I have a lovable nutcase. Now he's safely at the hospital but he still worries that he will die soon. Hopefully the new meds will help.

alone in the evening

I tried to avoid it by making plans with people but they didn't work out so here I am completely alone for several hours this evening and it sucks. I sang and played music which was good, then I tried to paint but felt too anxious so that wasn't so good. Evenings alone are really hard for me. I prayed to God for comfort and guidance and took a short nap, meditating on His love at the same time. All these things helped a bit but I still feel full of fear and worry that I'm not living properly, that I might be getting worse and that all my positive efforts are doomed to fail. Am I taking care of everything that I'm supposed to take care of? Am I forgetting something? Meanwhile, the person who usually calls me everyday and prays for me has suddenly stopped and I don't know why. I haven't seen L in forever so I don't know how she's doing either and my hope in spiritual healing has been deeply shaken because the pastor I trust for it has recently found out she has thyroid cancer. Of course this triggers emotions in me relating to my mom's lethal cancer and so I just want to avoid her so how can I be healed through her? Also, I've been smoking up more and more but I will throw myself back in rehab if I start waking and baking. Also, I've been spending alot of time with a special person who makes me forget to eat and take my meds regularly which has affected me too. I guess the problem is I am too full of too many concerns. Lord take them away from me, help me to trust You more and more with everything. And don't let me just run away to a pleasurable bliss from my concerns either. I don't want to live my life just running away all the time. Well of course part of me does but I know that would just be such a tragic waste. I just hope I'm not falling into depression again or something like that.

new therapy group

Exactly when I finished the 3 month DBT program at the Royal Vic my old psychologist has started a stabilization therapy group which is mostly about goals for people with BPD. He thought I should be in it so I went to the first one this morning. It was ok I guess. You could tell who was managing better and who wasn't. The one guy in the group seems to be doing the worst. He's suicidal, in the psych ward currently and hears things when his anxiety is too high. But he's in group and talking about himself freely so that's a good sign. There's one or two who are polite but don't seem as open with themselves. They will probably not get much from the group unless they open up more. I feel like a veteran of group therapy now. I did alot in rehab, some more out-patient drug treatment groups, the DBT and now this one. Well the great thing is that they really do help. They don't solve everything but they give you help, support and tools to deal with life. Seeing as I didn't get much of that when I grew up, I want and need it to learn how to live without driving myself crazy.
But I guess talking in group opened up the deeper parts of my heart because when I got home I took a nap and had an intense dream. I dreamed someone had lost someone close to them, like a parent or other family member and decided to do something in their memory. I can't remember what it was they did to commemorate the person but I do remember feeling guilty and saying, "I wish I did something so nice for my mom's memory." In real life I have felt this way and thought of walking in her memory at one of those cancer walks or something but could never bring myself to do it. And my dream demonstrated why this is so because as soon as I started thinking of her memory I felt a sudden and huge rage. My mind was seeing me at a tombstone for her, swearing at it and full of bitter anger and outrage. When I woke up I was surprised there was so much anger in me and wonder if it's real and been bottled up forever, only seeping out now.

trying again

Starting today I am going to try to pray every morning and not just before-I-eat sort of thing. At my last session of individual DBT I will show my record to the therapist to check if I keep it up. Which is next week! Ugh that makes me sad. But I feel I have some new resolve which is good. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by drug use and it's been accelerating when I'm trying to cut down at the same time. Nothing crazy out of control but still not the desired result. I'm still better than before my last treatment so I'm gonna stick to volunteering and trying out the skills from DBT more often instead of automatically turning to drugs when I'm upset or stressed. And register for a french course which is my next step. No matter how anxiety-inducing it is I've got to put myself out there and at least start going back to school slowly. God wants me to be a productive member of society I'm sure and I can't sit on my ass forever. But through all of this I have to remember that I am not saved by my actions or merits but through dependence on Jesus Christ. If I don't remember this I'll run myself into the ground trying to be perfectionist and accomplished and get crushed under my own expectations.

woo

Went zonkas. With animated 3D clouds, so much good music I never heard before from my head, arguing and yelling with myself in my head, seeing doubles and patterns like a kaleidoscope, pictures moving like in Harry Potter, seeing so many implausible scenarios behind reality playing like movies, feeling alert but slow at the same time and anything can happen because everything's random.

magic dreaming

I've been doing this lately since I started buying it again but only in small quantities and not everyday. I suddenly heard Sleep to Dream Her by Dave Matthews Band in my head and instantly craved listening to it on the computer and then close my tired dry eyes and see the crazy dreams going on constantly in my head. It's like a weird music video to the song as I sometimes see the band members performing but it's also really random and life-like at the same time. There's random colours, stars, a lake, clouds, random people etc and everything moves. There's sometimes stories like short films that go on always with an air of mystery. And all throughout is a satisfying thrill that puts a permanent smile on your face. Everything feels so good, especially listening to music and eating. And seeing the dying sunlight and watch the moon and stars come up. And some visions are so engaging I get lost in them for a little bit. I drop into surreality where I have special creator powers but still anything can and does happen. Then I eventually float back down to earthly reality where I'm usually left tired and worn out.

He's carrying me

I had a sort of productive but depressing stressful day and I'm ashamed to say it was mostly because of unexpected traffic in my area when I was trying to go grocery shopping. Yeah stupid little shit like that sometimes gets me going too much and I stressed my family friend who was with me too. When we finally got home and put all the groceries away, I still felt grumpy and dark and empty inside. And I fell into despair about life and how I just don't deal with it very well. I felt pretty tortured for a few hours until I realized I hadn't prayed yet today. Ah my one source of light and salvation! I remembered, try as I might, I am still hopeless and dead meat without Jesus. I prayed and just rested in God's love and I had the vision again where I'm curled up in God's hand and He's carrying me through the deadly desert. I can feel the comfort and strength of His hand and can see the barren landscape moving beneath me as He carries me forward on this plane of existence. So I give thanks to God, because no matter how bad it gets, it would be even worse without Him. Now if only I could remember this fact all the time and be constantly aware of His benevolent presence!