special person

Ok so this is why I haven't been writing as much recently, I've met someone I call my lovable nutcase. We have so much fun together and he's extremely intelligent, a computer whiz, an amazing drummer, an incredibly sweet person, so honest, has stunning long wavy hair, good looks, passionate and suffers from schizophrenia. We've both fallen hard and fast but at the same time we haven't been exactly good for each other it seems. I thought, ah I finally found someone to lose myself with but lost we did get. He's now in the midst of a psychotic episode at the Douglas mental hospital and I've started smoking everyday and finding it hard to cut back. I don't know what will happen. For now I just visit him almost everyday, sometimes chat with his family who also come to visit. He has such elaborate stories in his head that he just can't discount as too crazy to be real. It's like his far-reaching intelligence and imagination are in overdrive and the ability to tell dreams from reality is malfunctioning. He believes he's caught up in conspiracies with the CIA and that people are out to get him and have stolen some of his organs and that he has other selves who can time travel etc... He's definitely out there. He was with me when he got suddenly worse, and when he insisted I should leave while he tried to catch a 'poisonous spider' he started crying when I was about to leave. I said, "why are you crying?" and he said "Because this is probably the last time we'll ever see each other since I'm gonna die. Whatever happens it's important that you know that I think you're an amazing person and I'll always remember the good times we had." My reaction (in my head) "AWWWWWwwww!" Wow he really thinks he's gonna die and I'm that important to him?? So this is the story that prompted my brother to say I have a lovable nutcase. Now he's safely at the hospital but he still worries that he will die soon. Hopefully the new meds will help.

calmer days

The past month or so has been a tad more peaceful and I'm so thankful for that. I can see that I've gotten past the need for hospitalizations for at least the near future, praise God. My grandparents went back home and my brother is in Korea for the whole summer so its been pretty quiet. I try to keep myself a little busy with simple little errands here and there. I also have to take care of all the gardens and lawn-mowing so that's been a learning experience. It's a real quiet, suburban life I'm living, sort of, except when my bad decision-making partly due to my BPD and depression get in the way. Of course, this frustrates my dad and we've had another bad fight but I only moderately felt like running away and didn't act on it which is a good sign. I've reverted to smoking everyday but I stopped the cigarettes and I still don't do it as much as I used to. I unfortunately do like to have the occasional harder drug. And one extremely hot, humid day my friends and I went to a bar that had no air-conditioning. I hadn't seen them in a long time so I was in a partying mood and probably had one too many beers and by the time we left I was puking and became completely paralyzed. I ended up in a hospital overnight. I was so shocked. What I realize now is that it was partly because anti-psychotic drugs can make you more sensitive to heat and they were popping them into my mouth like candy at the psych ward. No wonder the hot days this summer seemed alot more unbearable than the years before. But also, I do stupid things sometimes. Like still having a crush on my ex who's legally criminally insane, schizophrenic, loves drugs and stealing from stores, has violent urges (thankfully he gets an injection once a month that helps with that) and pollutes and spits all the time. What the hell is wrong with me?! I can't seem to uncrush and I don't understand it at all. It's soooo frustrating! The only good things about him is that he's cute, goofily funny and likes to read. That's it. Anyway, all I can do is avoid him now that I finally got some stuff back that I lent him and another guy at the ward. His craziness never ceases to amaze me. Example:

Me: Why are you staring at those two guys walking by? (One had a shaved head)
Crazy One: I'm admiring the shape of their skulls.
Me: Huh? Why? What do you mean?
CO: I wish there was a way I could remove their brains and arteries and all the other stuff in their heads, take the skulls out and reconnect everything else back together and still be alive. And then clean, polish and keep the skulls for myself.
Me: That's what you were really thinking about just now?
CO: Yup.
Me: You're so crazy.
CO: Hmm, I've been getting that alot lately.

Anyhow, all this to say I'm not exactly living the perfect suburban life (not that I want to) but definitely most days are relatively peaceful. Just looking forward to going back to school and seeing friends. And playing with Frank, the best cat in the world.

Still working on the Old Times Cruelty tab but I've been slowed down by the heat and broken air-conditioning. I'm almost done the pretty introduction but it's taking me longer because it's two different parts so I've got two tracks going.


Isn't it so cool how her stripes turn into spots?

And this is why she's the awesomest cat ever. She'll enjoy a bellyrub even from a complete stranger like this person she only just met. So cute!!

better, worse, ninjas and stigmas

I am having a pretty hard time. Alot of little things are bugging me and building up. It's just so frustrating that this is happening so soon after I got out of the hospital. It's only been 2 weeks but it feels like 2 months. I have to try harder to ask for help when I can't take it anymore instead of immediately doing something stupid. I can't even bring myself to write about what's troubling me the most because it's so upsetting at the moment. For now, the green stuff makes everything more bearable. I feel stupid even writing this much.

On a more interesting note, I have heard from friends that an aquaintance from the hospital who is very charming and fun to talk to has fallen into a schizophrenic episode. He believes ninjas are after him and bugged his place. He would stalk his girlfriend to make sure she didn't get attacked and spread salt and water all over his walls to keep them out. He's always armed with knives. He'll probably end up hospitalized again soon. It's hilarious and so sad at the same time. He'll never be able to consistently function in society even though he's otherwise intelligent and friendly.

Sometimes I see mental health articles in the newspaper and it's often about depression and how there shouldn't be any stigma surrounding mental illnesses in general. That's just wishful thinking. When you have a mental illness it means something's wrong in your brain and mind so of course you feel weaker and stupider than the average, healthy person. The simple fact is that it feels shameful to have a mental illness. When I tell some people that I have BPD and clinical depression I am admitting my worst flaws. I am admitting I have thoughts and actions that are the polar opposite to what I really want; that I'm lazy and sometimes cannot control myself or my thoughts to extreme levels.