To my newspaper about BPD and Ashley Smith

Hi Christie,

I enjoy reading the Gazette, especially its articles pertaining to mental health. I think your opinion in "How could the Smith case happen in 'good' Canada" was pretty easy to agree with and I'm glad you are bringing her case attention in the Gazette. It is outrageous how she was treated, especially given her mental illness. Even a mentally healthy person subjugated to that much forced isolation would go crazy. She needed to be treated by professionals, not treated as a simple criminal and in a psychiatric ward, not in jail. At the very least she should have been in something like Pinel which happens to be both a mental hospital and prison for the criminally ill. 

There was one thing about your article that bothered me. You portray those with Borderline Personality Disorder as people who are desperate for attention to the point of purposely creating chaos for those around them. You also state it is one of the hardest psychiatric disorders to treat. As one who also suffers from BPD, I can tell you these opinions are clearly from an outsider's perspective and it stereotypes the most negatively stereotyped mental illness. You didn't say anything about how it feels to have BPD. Imagine being strapped into an extreme rollercoaster and never being able to get out. This is what everyday feels like because every little thing affects you emotionally. We're highly sensitive people and the smallest trouble can make you feel like life is just too much to bear. Marsha Linehan, an expert on BPD, calls this having your skin turned inside out. Also, BPD is often caused by childhood trauma so you have a past that haunts you and tells you no one can love you. And you can't love yourself because you don't know who you are. The inside of you feels like a black hole, nothing there. So obviously you rarely feel ok. What do people do when they are suffering, especially this severely? They try to get help, draw attention to themselves. People with BPD are not selfish and malicious, we are suffering deeply and reach out for help or express our pain by behaving recklessly and hurting ourselves in a myriad of ways. BPD has the reputation of being hard to treat only because these characteristics of BPD make it hard to respond to traditional treatment. Linehan created DBT, a therapy specifically for BPD but which also helps addiction, eating disorders and more. BPD also requires years of therapy, something not alot of professionals want to commit to. So please, don't create more negativity around BPD than there already is because it is in fact very treatable but also hard to understand from the outside which has created many misconceptions. Especially that we crave attention and do things to ourselves on purpose just for the attention. It is an outward expression of the intense suffering inside, not a simple ploy for attention. I hope I've shown you a more understanding and humane view of BPD, something even most health professionals do not have.

testimony

A couple weeks ago our church decided to shake things up a little and have people share what happened to them in the past year that they were thankful about instead of the usual sermon. This was because our pastor had the flu and spent the night before and the night before that just throwing up. I didn't know about this beforehand and just showed up like everyone else. During the singing he turned around and said, "would you like to share your testimony? For about 10 minutes? Sorry this is so last minute." Frankly, I've sometimes fantasized what it would be like to share my crazy personal story in front of my church but I also pictured having time to prepare. But it felt like God was telling me to go ahead so I said yes. I spent about 15 minutes sharing what happened to me in summary form over the past 4 years and I was so nervous I was shaking and tearing up the whole time. But I just went with the Lord and spoke and I was never at a loss for words. I started with the fact that I'm a recovering addict with mental illness. And I described a bit the hell I went through, the suicide attempts, being in the psych ward 5 times, having to be high at all times and what it took to get better. I ended with the statement that I live for God now. I should have died many times but I'm not thanks to God. And He's kept me alive to help others so that's what I live for now. I still have BPD so if there was no God or He didn't care, I would gladly kill myself because nothing is worth the suffering of living. But God is there and has a purpose for me, so that's what I live for now. My life is not really my life, it's God's to use as He pleases. I heard amens and sounds of agreement when I said this and everyone clapped at the end. Then people came to me and thanked me for sharing my story and said how inspiring I was to them. One even said to me he gave up drugs too when he became Christian. Everyone said I expressed myself well and wow, it felt good to tell everyone. No more hiding or feeling ashamed of what is a huge part of me and my experience.
I asked my brother how he thought it went. And he pointed out that I did actually have practice over the holidays with my grandparents and cousin. The most rewarding moment of the holidays was finally telling my grandparents thank you for coming over when I was in the hospital to help around the house and always praying for me and getting to tell them what happened to me over the years. I told them pretty much everything, that I did cocaine, grew magic mushrooms, stole my dad's money for everything and was completely trapped by addiction, always having to be high. I told them about BPD and how it got worse with all the smoking up and drugging I did and how it feels to be constantly suicidal. Then I told them how I got better by being in the psych ward, then going straight to rehab and doing group and individual therapy along with God's support the whole way through and how I got an A+ in biology. By the end of my testimony, my usually stoic grandparents were in tears and said how proud they were of me. I'll never forget that day when I could honestly share everything with them. They were shocked, saddened and then delighted. I've never felt so close to them and I'm so thankful they're happy and proud of me.

Happy Belated new years!

Wow I've been busy! Time flies when you're having fun or studying. I can't believe how normal my life has become. I feel so much better it's a crazy miracle every morning I wake up and feel ready to do what I have to do. I thank God from the bottom of my heart every day. The holidays were really great. I got to have a heart to heart with my grandparents and a cousin, hung out with friends more. I went to my bf's family Christmas party with 45 ppl which was kinda overwhelming but still nice and a quiet new years eve at my cousins' place with two of her friends and some beers. Life's been good. I can't believe I can say that now. I'll elaborate more on some of these things in my next post. I'm back in school now, continuing intro to psych and now starting algebra. I was scared of it but they really start at the beginning of math in general so I've been able to follow thus far. It's really a class for people who suck at math haha. My intro to psych professor  really likes me now, considers me one of the top students. I've been getting As for all the midterms and I just got an A+ on the last one! 

Remember I said I would start drinking once in a while and see how that goes? Well I've learned more about myself that's for sure. I can have just one or two beers if I'm just at a pub with my bf or one other friend, but if it's a party or party atmosphere like at a club, I consistently overdo it. At the last bday party at a club I went to, I said I would only have one but had more like 6 and by the time I got to my bf's house, I puked twice. Most unpleasant but in the moment when you're having fun, you figure you can have just one more and then just one more etc... And thinking about it, I could see this getting really bad. So, no drinking at all if it's a party atmosphere. Only one on one in restaurants or at home or at a low-key pub. I'll see if that works, and if I still break my limits, I'm just going to go dry at all times. I've already proven to myself I don't need substances to have fun. I don't NEED alcohol to have fun or have it be in my life in general. So here goes. There will be a karaoke bday party and I'm telling myself now, no drinks that night at all.

Merry Christmas everyone!

And happy holidays! We barely got our outdoor lights and Christmas tree up in time as usual. The holidays have been mostly good to me. We threw a surprise birthday party for the close family friend who I like to consider a second mom. She was sooo happy and said it felt like she was in a dream. Success! It feels so good to make other people happy. It was also a friend's birthday party at a bar and she loved the present from me. Success again! But, me and my bf overdrank and had to wait hours at my car to sober up to drive. Got home at 5am yikes. I really have to be careful about this drinking thing. It seems the more people are around me, the more I feel like drinking. A friend says maybe it's social anxiety but I was surrounded by good friends that I'm not anxious around. I think it's whether there's a party atmosphere or not. It's like a trigger to have more and get drunk as a result. I'm going to my bf's family Christmas party and there will be 50 people there so I'm gonna do my best to be careful. I'm definitely gonna be anxious being around that many people I barely know. Another thing that added to my holiday cheer is that I got an A+ in biology!
And of course, the most important thing that has given me inner joy is God incarnated on earth to save me from myself. This Christmas I'm more thankful than ever before and I get tears of joy thinking about how Jesus used everything I went through to set me free from addiction. Free from the worst slavery I thought was possible for me. I really feel like a prisoner finally set free. I could fall into the same trap again but I really hope not. I've been in hospitals now enough to last a lifetime.

deeper into the Relationship

Today I finally took time apart to spend with God in prayer and listening to Him in meditation and it was soo good as usual. I haven't been doing this in a while and I'm not sure why except maybe simple forgetfulness and laziness. I still felt close to Him but I wasn't putting in the time to properly be with Him with no distractions. I was able to pray a little bit at a time all throughout the day, mainly being thankful but that was it. It's still important to stay connected to God throughout the day but you need both constant awareness of Him and time set apart with Him alone. And after years of avoiding reading the Bible by myself, I find I am seeing the Word with new eyes. I avoided it so much because in my dark times and the shitty mindset I was in, I could read nothing but condemnation in the Bible. Any time I opened it up, all I saw was God's intolerant holiness, I could see no love and only felt more discouraged and down on myself afterwards. Now I see so much more, especially God's providence and incredible love. Yes He is perfection and holy, untouchable. Yet He stoops down to love us and care for us in our daily lives and in every moment we exist. This huge contrast still blows my mind and it's hard to picture someone who is both perfectly holy and loving but I trust God's nature now. He created me for a reason and I live for Him now. If I could have my way and He didn't care about anybody or didn't exist, I would gladly take my life. I'm too sensitive for this harsh world but apparently He'll use that too for His glory one day. Certainly being sensitive will help me to help others in the future.

recovering

I am so thankful first to God and then to myself. I'm so thankful that I can now wake up every morning and feel ok, that the day will be ok and that God will give me the energy to get through it. People take this for granted and go on autopilot. But after so many years of feeling like shit every morning, feeling as if every day might be my last because I can't take life anymore, I am so thankful that things are far more normal and even enjoyable now. I'm almost done my first semester in school since my crazy crisis, and I've been getting good marks and finding my classes very interesting. There were certainly some bumps in the road but I think the desert part of my journey is ending and I'm so thankful for that. I'm even thankful for the desert times, because they have made me what I am today. I know myself so much better now, and have become so much wiser about human nature and as a result I am closer to God than I ever have been before. It's the start of what I always wanted. To be fully dependent on God and His unconditional love for me which is the foundation of being an agent of miracles in a down-trodden world. And boy do I know what it's like to be down-trodden. Everyday is a miracle when I don't use drugs and I don't hurt myself, which is every day recently. With the right meds, techniques learned from therapy and God's providence, I am ok. Which is amazing considering how I was just a few months ago. Getting clean was the hardest thing I ever had to do but wow what a difference it makes. My BPD is much less severe and I am mostly functional again. I am now doing my best to take care of myself everyday and with God keeping me safe too, I can do what I have to do: go to class, do homework, keep up hygiene etc... and I'll never take that for granted. Any time I get a craving all I have to do is remember ending up in the hospital all the time, getting strapped down like in the movies, being on suicide watch, getting occasionally mistreated by professionals and suffering through the days. I never want to go back there again. The only bad thing I do now is smoke the occasional cigarette and I'll eventually cut that out too when I'm ready. I'm a walking miracle and I hope to help others eventually get on the right path too. I'm not sure I can write about what happened the most recent time I spent in the psychiatric ward and rehab yet but this is where I'm at today and I couldn't be more thankful.

Legalizing pot

Here's another letter I sent to my local newpaper since I know they probably won't publish it. It's important info for anyone weighing the pros and cons of pot.

Colorado and Washington state voted to legalize pot. Clearly it helps for some conditions causing nausea and reduced appetite and more but there is a dark side as well. It has been proven to cause anxiety, depression and psychosis in those predisposed. Also, there are no long-term effects on memory or learning in adult users but there definitely are negative effects on all these things for those who smoke heavily in their teens. I would also like to point out that marijuana today is very different from what it used to be for baby-boomers; growers have increased the psychoactive effects of marijuana to the point that it is much more potent than it used to be. It is not simply a harmless herb anymore. On principle I think if alcohol is legal, then marijuana should be too. It is still less dangerous than alcohol overall. But as a marijuana addict who had to go through hospitals and rehab to stop smoking up constantly and ruining my life, I'm worried about the negative consequences. Marijuana will become as ubiquitous as alcohol and that will definitely help create more addicts. Even now in Montreal where pot is already quite ubiquitous, I meet more and more people who have a problem with pot and it is interfering with their lives. Even my psychiatrist says she is seeing the same thing in her patients more and more. If any place makes it legal, they should ban it from anyone under 18 and increase spending on addiction treatment services with the tax money. Just the existence of Marijuana Anonymous groups proves that pot can take over your life just as badly as any other drug if you're predisposed to addiction.