long time no see

My life is some sort of messed up drama movie. So I haven't really been keeping things up regularly. But these days I'm feeling a bit better so here I am. Here's a quick summary of the past few months:

I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at the psychiatric ward in October along with depression. They got me a regular psychiatrist and psychologist who knows my mind better than I do. I made very interesting friends there and even had a schizophrenic criminally insane boyfriend for a little while which caused some of my friends great worry along with my dabbling with drugs (I only stick to natural stuff now). Then because of my personality disorder I freaked out and thought everyone's frustrated at me and will abandon me and I only cause pain to those around me and I stupidly overdosed again which got me in the psychiatric ward again in February but only for a week. I may have had the worst episode ever while I was there and I had to be strapped down and injected. But I got better quickly after that. Ever since then I've just been struggling day by day to stay stable. Trying to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself and just not care too much about anything. Got good days and not so good days. I've been spending lots of time with friends including a group I met at the ward. One of them is my art agent (he gets 5%, to be paid in weed) and he already got 5 of my paintings in a commercial gallery! It's a childhood dream come true! And I'm in an art sale in June! So that's been boosting my mood lately. Another friend is pretty much a general substance addict in denial but he likes to come to church with me every week. He has ADHD and boy does he suffer. Hopefully, my atheist agent will decide to come too despite his criminal tendencies. These are the people who really need to go to church afterall. Been playing with friends' cats alot too. I love cats. I started writing my own, simple folkish song and it's going really well. I like how it sounds so far. I still see my pastor once a week generally and I've definitely had moments where I really felt the Holy Spirit with us, talking to us through His Word and urging us to take hope in Christ's victory on the cross. So that's also been good for being more stable too. I still have self-destructive thoughts but I don't feel tempted to act on them very much. I'm not as nervous and I'm not picking at my fingers as much as last week. Oh yeah, I also started smoking while in the hospital. Ironic, but the scheduled smoking breaks really make you smoke since there's nothing else to do there. I'm not really a regular though, unless you count the joints too. It really helps in keeping me sane and out of the hospital but I don't want to depend on it for the rest of my life either.

I've learnt so much about myself, still am. I'm definitely borderline and I can see how my perceptions get distorted by my emotions and such. I am more weak and foolish than I ever thought but it's ok, I know God is taking care of me despite my flaws. I hate how BPD just seems to mean you're a crybaby and percieve everthing in extremes so I suck at being rational. On the other hand, it's nice to finally know what it is that's been driving me nuts. Sort of.

finally done Rites of Death tab!

Woohoo I'm finally finished the tab! And so I share my hard work with the world right here. I'm especially proud of the solo. I'm 99.9% sure I got all the notes there. Happy dance for me!
Anyways, this is a fun song to play and I know it looks kind of scary with so many 32nd notes but I'm pretty sure you can just cheat and not play all of those chords, distortion being so forgiving and all. But it is good exercise for your strumming hand that's for sure. As usual I kind of put two guitar parts together since I like to be able to play the song by myself (not enough musician friends). But everything for the rhythm guitar is still there, it just repeats during the solo which you can hear for yourself in the song so I didn't bother putting it in another track.
Enjoy, and tell me how it goes if you dare.

Old Times Cruelty next!

gp5 file:
http://www.fileuploading.net/366609

pdf file for those of you who should just get guitar pro already:
http://www.fileuploading.net/274862

rites of death tab note

I haven't forgotten that I said I would tab a whole bunch of Antestor's songs since there doesn't seem to be any online. Although I started the tab for Rites of Death in July, I sort of forgot about it in the storm of dramatic-ness that has been my life recently. I'm nearly finished now and I have to say, it always sounds like they use weird chords that would be tricky to figure out but then I find they are sometimes just simple bar chords played in an unusual pattern or something. They're so good at using simple parts and making them sound beautiful and melodramatic.

back from the dead...again

I've just been discharged after spending a month locked up in a psychiatric ward.
I've just been through so much it's hard to know where to start. But let me say this, I am doing much better now than I was last time I wrote here.

nostalgic

Perhaps because of the similarities I seem to posess with my troubled 13 year old past self, I've started listening to one of my favorite bands of all time from my teens, silverchair. I've rediscovered their album Freak. It's so darn good right now. Especially Petrol & Chlorine and Roses. And Johns is such a good lyricist and songwriter, along with incredibly good-looking...


Daniel Johns of course in the middle, looking so good
“{On Daniel Johns} Two scoops of yum with a meow on top!”- Perez Hilton
Agreed!

about relationships...

Been working through the freedom from depression workbook and it says I have a dependent personality. Meaning my moods are too dependent on the actions of those around me. Which is odd because I've always seen myself as a sort of loner, always keeping my distance from groups of people and therefore dealing with myself independently. I've never felt I had real best friends, not that I've been hurt, just never really got that close to people who had the time to spend. But now that I think about it, I've always had someone to depend on until recently. In elementary school I had my group of popular friends until I purposely distanced myself from them, then in my teen years my mom became my best friend: we talked about everything together and she knew everything about me, even if I tried to hide anything. Then when she went off to Korea to get treatment, my guitar teacher took care of me, even to a creepy extent. And I took it for granted that he watched out for me so much and wanting me to use my musical abilities to a fuller extent, while I just saw a creepy old man telling me he loved me. I still don't know who he was exactly to me. Anyways, after my mom passed away, it was a succession of boyfriends for 5 years until last November, when I decided being so dependent on boyfriends was unhealthy so I permanently broke off contact with one of them and then fell into all this depression crap. I miss them all so much. I guess I have a dependent personality afterall. With friends who don't have the time (I don't blame them) and a dad who also doesn't have the time or energy or wherewithal (I blame him abit), I'm alone and failing. I wish I was strong and independent as I thought I was. Now I just regret everything and I'm starting to sound whiny again so I'll stop here.

2nd Christian tattoo

I got a second tattoo! Just above the first one, with the same artist since he's so awesome at shading. There's a gear, which represents me and I'm being tested and purified by fire from God which represents this hard time of my life I'm going through. When it's all done, I'll finally be ready to fit into God's plan like a cog in perfect clockwork.

It's my favorite shades of blue!

the back of it