slipped again

It looks like my life is slowly falling apart in front of my eyes. I know it sounds so melodramatic but that's how I truly see my reality right now. The emotional pain, depression and anxiety make everyday an epic struggle to get through. I'm only writing this so I'm too occupied to do something stupid to myself again. But I don't know how much longer I can endure this. It's gotten really bad now for about 2 weeks and each day is absolute torture. I just want relief from from the awfully negative thoughts in my head. They don't even let me sleep much anymore because they've gotten faster and more intense. Needless to say, it's gotten too hard to go to school, cook for my dad and brother and generally help out around the house. I keep slipping and feeling worse so now I'm mostly in a drug induced haze. And of course this is all driving my dad nuts because on top of everything, our cook has quit and we can't find someone else to replace her. He can't stand seeing me sitting around doing nothing and not going to school or helping him. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm lazy and don't even think of him. He said he's considering kicking me out and leaving me on welfare. I feel so bad and guilty, I'm burning him out like crazy but what can I do? He doesn't believe I'm really suffering much because he doesn't understand how someone can be mentally ill to the point of disability. And you know, maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just using this all to justify sitting around and letting other people do shit for me. Maybe I really am not trying hard enough to take responsibility for my life and become independent is all I'm trying to avoid. Which makes me feel even more guilty if it's true. This all just confirms what my mom always said to me when I was little: I'm lazy, disorganized, slow at everything and generally useless and a burden on her because she has to take care of me instead of pursue her dream career. Clearly, I am only a burden to those closest to me and honestly it's difficult for me not to think that people really would be better off if I just disappeared or ran away or something stupid like that. And I know this all sounds so childish and immature and whiny and self-pitying and ridiculously irrational but I don't know how to make it stop. I feel like I've already tried so hard to get this far and I've got nothing left. I've tried everything to escape these stupid thought patterns. I don't know what to do now. Meanwhile my dad keeps demanding to know what I want to do and that he doesn't care anymore about what we'll eat, we can starve because he can't deal with home and work life at the same time anymore. And it breaks my heart to see how much he has aged from stress from me. And at the same time I get angry with him for not understanding me at all. And I'm most of all so frustrated with myself. Doesn't it make sense to put myself in a peaceful coma or something? Is that just incredibly selfish of me? Is there no escape from my faults?? I'm just so useless to everyone right now, including God which hurts the most.
I'm really feeling the song Tuna Fish By Emiliana Torrini now...

Psalm 77

Spiritually speaking I haven't been doing very well. I kinda went into 'I'm taking a break for now' mode since I'm finally more stable and better able to relax. I felt like I needed a break from trying to improve and so I've gotten closer to my ex again and I've been taking drugs more than I said I would. But then suddenly I felt compelled to crack open my Bible the other day and I turned to Psalm 77 and it was like it was written just for me. It's just incredible to feel the Spirit speak to you and that hadn't happened to me for a while so it felt like a rush of relief. The psalmist's voice is my voice too. I've cried out to God and suffered mentally and emotionally just like he did. But then he decides to remember God's miraculous deeds of old and meditate on all His works and he ends up praising the Lord by meditating on how He guided His people to freedom from slavery in Egypt. And so, this is what I must do as well. Faith is truly needed in order to be freed from the past. You have to believe in God's all-powerful love. And I think I do and don't at the same time which is very stressful. I know I'm gonna go to heaven at some point in the future but I also tend to forget about God's omnipotence and mercy, or I'll see only one characteristic or the other. It's sooo frustrating. God's character is comprised of dichotomies: merciful and punitive, forgiving yet perfectly holy and cannot stand sin, patient yet urgently calls to our hearts, so sublime yet personal for every individual etc... And all of that drives me nuts. Because of my extreme perceptions, or 'splitting', from BPD it's super-hard to see all those dichotomies in God at the same time. I usually keep flipping from one to the other; God will seem so painfully holy and punitive for a while, and then He'll seem so merciful and even tolerant of sin. And this affects my thoughts and actions as well so I'm just stressfully confused most of the time. Intellectually I know that God is both holy and unconditionally loving through Christ but emotionally and in my heart I can only see one side or the other. What's the result? Self-sabotage. I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I want to do. Ugh. This is why I need that DBT group I guess. And why I think the borderline personality has one of the hardest times walking with the Lord out of all the personalities. Or maybe I'm just trying to give myself excuses...

back to school

I forget if I mentioned it here but I would love to have my own goth clothing store downtown. And instead of the usual upside down pentagram on the wall I'll have some sort of noticeable Christian symbol! I picture it being part of a community that's eclectic and tolerant and a place for God's love to shine to disposessed youth. But who knows, maybe God has other plans for me. In any case I've just got to keep trying at this thing called life so I'm now in fashion marketing at a college downtown. So far it's pretty awesome. Interesting classes and knowledgeable teachers. But the same troubles I had in my last year at Concordia are still with me. I sometimes get so anxious in the mornings I can't get my butt to school. The other day I ended up picking my fingers till some bled so I just barely managed to get to class late. Whatever. The DBT group is gonna start soon so that should help. It's a therapy group specifically for people with BPD and it's co-led by my psychologist. I really do need help with my extreme perceptions because they're mostly responsible for my extreme behaviour.
Having a school schedule again is stressing me out and I still need to smoke up afterwards everyday but at least there's the classes which are extremely interesting.

my philosophical two cents

I may have come up with a sort of quote:
The meaning of life is in relationships.
You can't have meaning if you can't relate or compare anything to anything else. And this is because God is love, meaning He's all about relationships amongst ourselves, with our environment, between individuals and Him etc. And this is why most of us would eventually go nuts if we were completely isolated from everybody else too long. And this is why community is so important and why you can know alot about someone by observing their friends.
I guess having BPD means I'm not too good at these things sometimes because I relate and percieve in extremes. I can be so friendly and helpful but I can also be so selfish and judgmental. I can react too strongly to what someone might say to me. But anyhow, God can heal the most wretched in the world so I have hope in Him. Which reminds me; while I was having an awfully rough night the last time I was hospitalized, a melody cut through all the pain and dizziness. Out of nowhere I was hearing the melody of the song I Love You, Lord and it gave me something to hold on to. I kept humming it over and over in my head and the Lord gave me more resilience through it. I would have suffered alot more if it wasn't for that song popping into my head. Music can truly be powerful.
Here are the words:

I love You Lord
and I lift my voice
to worship You
O my soul, rejoice!
Take joy my King, in what You hear
may it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.

calmer days

The past month or so has been a tad more peaceful and I'm so thankful for that. I can see that I've gotten past the need for hospitalizations for at least the near future, praise God. My grandparents went back home and my brother is in Korea for the whole summer so its been pretty quiet. I try to keep myself a little busy with simple little errands here and there. I also have to take care of all the gardens and lawn-mowing so that's been a learning experience. It's a real quiet, suburban life I'm living, sort of, except when my bad decision-making partly due to my BPD and depression get in the way. Of course, this frustrates my dad and we've had another bad fight but I only moderately felt like running away and didn't act on it which is a good sign. I've reverted to smoking everyday but I stopped the cigarettes and I still don't do it as much as I used to. I unfortunately do like to have the occasional harder drug. And one extremely hot, humid day my friends and I went to a bar that had no air-conditioning. I hadn't seen them in a long time so I was in a partying mood and probably had one too many beers and by the time we left I was puking and became completely paralyzed. I ended up in a hospital overnight. I was so shocked. What I realize now is that it was partly because anti-psychotic drugs can make you more sensitive to heat and they were popping them into my mouth like candy at the psych ward. No wonder the hot days this summer seemed alot more unbearable than the years before. But also, I do stupid things sometimes. Like still having a crush on my ex who's legally criminally insane, schizophrenic, loves drugs and stealing from stores, has violent urges (thankfully he gets an injection once a month that helps with that) and pollutes and spits all the time. What the hell is wrong with me?! I can't seem to uncrush and I don't understand it at all. It's soooo frustrating! The only good things about him is that he's cute, goofily funny and likes to read. That's it. Anyway, all I can do is avoid him now that I finally got some stuff back that I lent him and another guy at the ward. His craziness never ceases to amaze me. Example:

Me: Why are you staring at those two guys walking by? (One had a shaved head)
Crazy One: I'm admiring the shape of their skulls.
Me: Huh? Why? What do you mean?
CO: I wish there was a way I could remove their brains and arteries and all the other stuff in their heads, take the skulls out and reconnect everything else back together and still be alive. And then clean, polish and keep the skulls for myself.
Me: That's what you were really thinking about just now?
CO: Yup.
Me: You're so crazy.
CO: Hmm, I've been getting that alot lately.

Anyhow, all this to say I'm not exactly living the perfect suburban life (not that I want to) but definitely most days are relatively peaceful. Just looking forward to going back to school and seeing friends. And playing with Frank, the best cat in the world.

Still working on the Old Times Cruelty tab but I've been slowed down by the heat and broken air-conditioning. I'm almost done the pretty introduction but it's taking me longer because it's two different parts so I've got two tracks going.


Isn't it so cool how her stripes turn into spots?

And this is why she's the awesomest cat ever. She'll enjoy a bellyrub even from a complete stranger like this person she only just met. So cute!!

still working on tabs

Just a note:
I'm still working on the tab for Old Times Cruelty by Antestor and the goal is to eventually tab the whole album.

out of the hospital x3

Haven't written here in a little while because I ended up in the hospital for a week yet again. It seemed to be the only place where my racing thoughts could stop. At home I was getting more and more down, so I smoked more and more until I was stoned all the time. I couldn't do anything since it destroyed any motivation I had which was really unhelpful in the end. I was living a slow, foggy nightmare where I would be constantly horrified of my faults and mistakes and of my grandparents dying and people leaving me. When I had yet another episode in the ER, instead of strapping me down completely, a really awesome nurse just stayed with me and held my hand the whole time until the meds eventually kicked in and I fell asleep. I made more friends and saw the regulars again but that place will make you crazy if you aren't already. We're all thrown together; schizophrenics, bipolars, anxious people, depressed people, drug users who went psychotic, personality disorders etc. It's impossible to relax there because there's either people screaming, talking to the radio or TV, saying things that make little or no sense or completely changing their behavior unexpectedly and doing odd things. I'm glad I never have to stay there too long.
After I got out I got into an argument with my dad and nearly ran away to a convent. I was afraid I might have to go back to the hospital but thankfully my pastor straightened me out and made with me a schedule to follow and I've been better ever since. I smoke way less now, I'm looking for a part-time job and I'm going back to school in the fall to study fashion merchandising.
One of my friends that I met in the psych ward the first time I was there seems to be doing progressively worse. He's using multiple doctors to get painkillers like Oxycontin which he doesn't need and he's abusing them all. I'm afraid he might die any day now, especially since he hasn't been answering his phone lately. Oh Lord, please save him! Give him the strength and faith needed to change.