trying again

Starting today I am going to try to pray every morning and not just before-I-eat sort of thing. At my last session of individual DBT I will show my record to the therapist to check if I keep it up. Which is next week! Ugh that makes me sad. But I feel I have some new resolve which is good. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by drug use and it's been accelerating when I'm trying to cut down at the same time. Nothing crazy out of control but still not the desired result. I'm still better than before my last treatment so I'm gonna stick to volunteering and trying out the skills from DBT more often instead of automatically turning to drugs when I'm upset or stressed. And register for a french course which is my next step. No matter how anxiety-inducing it is I've got to put myself out there and at least start going back to school slowly. God wants me to be a productive member of society I'm sure and I can't sit on my ass forever. But through all of this I have to remember that I am not saved by my actions or merits but through dependence on Jesus Christ. If I don't remember this I'll run myself into the ground trying to be perfectionist and accomplished and get crushed under my own expectations.

woo

Went zonkas. With animated 3D clouds, so much good music I never heard before from my head, arguing and yelling with myself in my head, seeing doubles and patterns like a kaleidoscope, pictures moving like in Harry Potter, seeing so many implausible scenarios behind reality playing like movies, feeling alert but slow at the same time and anything can happen because everything's random.

magic dreaming

I've been doing this lately since I started buying it again but only in small quantities and not everyday. I suddenly heard Sleep to Dream Her by Dave Matthews Band in my head and instantly craved listening to it on the computer and then close my tired dry eyes and see the crazy dreams going on constantly in my head. It's like a weird music video to the song as I sometimes see the band members performing but it's also really random and life-like at the same time. There's random colours, stars, a lake, clouds, random people etc and everything moves. There's sometimes stories like short films that go on always with an air of mystery. And all throughout is a satisfying thrill that puts a permanent smile on your face. Everything feels so good, especially listening to music and eating. And seeing the dying sunlight and watch the moon and stars come up. And some visions are so engaging I get lost in them for a little bit. I drop into surreality where I have special creator powers but still anything can and does happen. Then I eventually float back down to earthly reality where I'm usually left tired and worn out.

He's carrying me

I had a sort of productive but depressing stressful day and I'm ashamed to say it was mostly because of unexpected traffic in my area when I was trying to go grocery shopping. Yeah stupid little shit like that sometimes gets me going too much and I stressed my family friend who was with me too. When we finally got home and put all the groceries away, I still felt grumpy and dark and empty inside. And I fell into despair about life and how I just don't deal with it very well. I felt pretty tortured for a few hours until I realized I hadn't prayed yet today. Ah my one source of light and salvation! I remembered, try as I might, I am still hopeless and dead meat without Jesus. I prayed and just rested in God's love and I had the vision again where I'm curled up in God's hand and He's carrying me through the deadly desert. I can feel the comfort and strength of His hand and can see the barren landscape moving beneath me as He carries me forward on this plane of existence. So I give thanks to God, because no matter how bad it gets, it would be even worse without Him. Now if only I could remember this fact all the time and be constantly aware of His benevolent presence!

how L is doing

So I got a chance to talk to L at my friend's house but it didn't go quite the way I expected. The good news is that she's trying. She doesn't want to die and is in fact scared of it. She appreciated my insightful words and now we're good friends. I call her almost everyday to see how she's doing and just share. But boy did my other friend get in the way that night! He decided to get drunk, then stoned then high on blow and got so chatty and kept interrupting me and yelling things like "I'm gonna put your head in a lock and force feed you a turkey!" to L. I had to restrain myself I was getting angry and frustrated but it's ok since I've had more time with her without him around (I was stoned and high too). Even though she's not sure she believes, she actually asked me to come to small group and church! She came to both each once now and she loved it! I'm so happy she can meet nice people who can care for her. She told me she was completely isolated from everyone, stuck in a depression and believing everyone is dangerous. But in group she became very chatty and people enjoyed talking with her just as much as she did with them. She felt that they were very good people and wants to come back! I'm just happy she can get prayed for now and won't feel that no one would care if she died which is what she told me earlier. The not so great news is that she's around 85 pounds and only eats 300 calories in vegetables a day. She thinks it's enough and in fact sees nothing but fat in the mirror. I told her we can help each other out and keep each other company in our dark times that we're both having. And hopefully we can both face our past pain and get healed by God and live free and happy.

just gotta face it

You know, I'm tired of self-destructing. Whether in a slow or fast fashion it's a real drag. And I hope I don't wait till I hit another rock bottom to do something about it. I just gotta face my fears, but that's the problem. I'm so friggin scared. But I commit to meeting with my pastor and a couple trusted individuals and opening up about my past hurts to receive healing from God. I've just got to do it even though my whole emotional being says NOOOOO. I don't want to be shackled to the past forever. I don't want to keep suffering every time something reminds me of my childhood and I want to be done with grieving already. And I'm getting sick of blasting my mind all the time to avoid the massive weight on my shoulders. I've got to surrender it to Jesus and be free to move on with life. But I'm so scared to do it. Why? Because I'm a spoiled brat who doesn't want to face the music, it looks like. So what can I do about it? I'm honestly at a loss except to pray about it. I'm sorry God, for being such a stupid selfish brat. I know what's best for me now but I still won't do it. I can't believe how frustrating this is. What if I end up like my dead addicted friend? Jesus save me from myself. Even though I don't believe I deserve to live I know You want me to be more than I am now. Sometimes I really just want to die but I know You don't want me to. Why does everything have to be so hard and contradictory? I just want peace.

volunteering now

I've finally started volunteering at my friend's work once a week. It's at an activities centre for adults with physical disabilities, mostly cerebral palsy. It's often tricky to communicate since they can't move their mouths well but they are intellectually the same as anyone else. It must be so difficult to be trapped in a body that won't listen to you. So I do what I can to make their day more enjoyable and it feels good to be somewhat useful and helpful. I honestly feel that I benefit more than them by being there. It gives me something to be proud of, instead of always being the mentally ill drug addict. It brings me closer to my true identity of being a child of God who is loved by Jesus and wants to share that love with others. It's one baby step closer to my future as someone who follows Jesus' selfless ways. I just pray that I stick to it. It's been 3 weeks and so far so good. I just chat with the clients, sometimes help them with art activities or just watch what's going on. I can handle that.