I used to pray, meditate, read the Bible and then write in my journal every morning when I was a tween. Well, I've never been good at discipline so it wasn't really everyday but I kept it relatively regular. But of course, eventually I couldn't keep it up anymore. So last week I tried again, this time doing deep breathing at the same time as meditating and I felt more calm and energized. It was awesome. While doing so, I had the thought that if Jesus is perfect, then he must have had perfect mental health as well. Yet he still experienced and expressed suffering, anguish, grief and anger and shared it with others. So intense, negative emotions are not bad to have. I guess the trick is what you do with them and to pray about them and then let them go. For some reason that's incredibly difficult for me to do. Anyways, I read a bit in Proverbs and one really struck me: (NLV) 19:8 "To acquire wisdom is to love oneself; people who cherish understanding will prosper." It's the first time I've seen the Bible very clearly stating that you should love yourself. For so long I thought that being humble meant hating yourself and how sinful you are. But as my pastor told me recently, you can only deny the self if you've accepted yourself first. So, as I've always done, I got ahead of myself. Also, it didn't help that I started studying the Bible at the age of 9 by myself with no one to guide me. I already felt mistrustful and rejected by people so I decided I needed no one but God alone, not realizing that God is all about relationships.
Of course, I only did the quiet time once last week and I don't know if it's because the devil didn't like it but I've been slipping and suffering ever since.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
starting Via Dolorosa tab
This is just to let you know I'm starting the tab for Via Dolorosa. It sounds like it won't take too long for me to do. It's parts are generally repetitive and there aren't any insane, time-consuming solos. Still a good song of course. If you just want a help in the right direction to figure it out yourself, it starts with Dm, then Bb to C#. That's all I've got for now.
creative arts Christian small group
After many weeks of too much fear and anxiety to go, I finally decided I would go to the creative arts small group at my church. And it was wonderful. The couple who runs it were super nice and there was a large range of artistically inclined people in the group. Some have never done anything creative but wanted to try something new and then there were people like me who studied fine arts or photography etc. and everyone in between. One woman showed us her artwork which always had Christian themes and brought us watercolours to try. Though I wasn't a fan of how literal the art followed the themes it was refreshing to see Christianity and art come together kind of like the old days. These days I feel alot of Christians, especially conservative ones, are a little afraid of the arts since the goal is usually to defy the rules, make something different from what already exists. And in this sense, many artists are anti-religious since that's all about following rules and no change. But I think it's wonderful to take seemingly opposite things and smash them together. Like Christian metal! But I haven't seen much compelling Christian visual arts in a post-modern context. I would love to see Christian spirituality (not religion aka. legalism) expressed in a contemporary manner that could also be in a gallery or museum. Besides, themes on the purpose of life, human destiny, human nature and yearnings of the soul can be found in all kinds of secular contemporary artworks. I really want to contribute a subtle Christian twist to all of that. One day. When making artwork doesn't bring so much pressure to my psyche anymore.
Anyways, I'm hoping to become a regular at the group. We'll start doing paintings tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. For now, here's the watercolour I did. I'm pretty satisfied with it. A simple semi-abstract landscape; my favorite to do.
Anyways, I'm hoping to become a regular at the group. We'll start doing paintings tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. For now, here's the watercolour I did. I'm pretty satisfied with it. A simple semi-abstract landscape; my favorite to do.
will you think less of me?
If I relapse back into active addiction, will you think less of me?
If I fall into depression and don't get out much, will you think less of me?
If I complain of feeling too much emotional pain, memories haunting me, will you think less of me?
If I find myself crying because of the smallest things, will you think less of me?
If I start hurting myself, cutting and burning my skin to feel better, will you think less of me?
If I purposely overdose because I can't take it anymore, will you think less of me?
Unfortunately, these are the questions I wonder about with my family and close friends very often. And sometimes I assume the answers are yes. Sometimes their reactions really look like a resounding yes which sends me into despair because it's such an extreme fear of mine; others' judgments of me. And yet, these are all symptoms of having BPD. I have to struggle with them all the time, less when I'm doing better obviously. And I still go for my therapy twice a week and go to MA meetings. But I also know it's quite the burden to know a loved one is always on the edge of crisis and I really hate being a burden. All of this is like holding a contradiction or dichotomy in my head and it feels like torture because I'm always flipping between one side and the other. It's like my suffering and symptoms vs. the well-being of those around me and somewhere inbetween, my responsibility to try to get better. I spoke to my group therapy leader about all this a little and she reminded me, all I can do is my best. So take it one day at a time, do your best and be satisfied with that. Don't worry about whether it's enough or not, or what will happen because what more can you do anyways? I guess I forgot and got ahead of myself because of my fears and past experiences. No wonder some of the main mottos in AA is 'take it one step at a time. Take it one day at a time'.
If I fall into depression and don't get out much, will you think less of me?
If I complain of feeling too much emotional pain, memories haunting me, will you think less of me?
If I find myself crying because of the smallest things, will you think less of me?
If I start hurting myself, cutting and burning my skin to feel better, will you think less of me?
If I purposely overdose because I can't take it anymore, will you think less of me?
Unfortunately, these are the questions I wonder about with my family and close friends very often. And sometimes I assume the answers are yes. Sometimes their reactions really look like a resounding yes which sends me into despair because it's such an extreme fear of mine; others' judgments of me. And yet, these are all symptoms of having BPD. I have to struggle with them all the time, less when I'm doing better obviously. And I still go for my therapy twice a week and go to MA meetings. But I also know it's quite the burden to know a loved one is always on the edge of crisis and I really hate being a burden. All of this is like holding a contradiction or dichotomy in my head and it feels like torture because I'm always flipping between one side and the other. It's like my suffering and symptoms vs. the well-being of those around me and somewhere inbetween, my responsibility to try to get better. I spoke to my group therapy leader about all this a little and she reminded me, all I can do is my best. So take it one day at a time, do your best and be satisfied with that. Don't worry about whether it's enough or not, or what will happen because what more can you do anyways? I guess I forgot and got ahead of myself because of my fears and past experiences. No wonder some of the main mottos in AA is 'take it one step at a time. Take it one day at a time'.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
stigma on mental illness
I read this in the paper today and felt I had to write about it. (The Gazette, February 9th 2011. Pg A16)
The article said, "Shame and fear often prevents people from seeking treatment. The Canadian Mental Health Association found that more than half of people living with mental disorders said that they were embarrassed about their mental health problems."
I wrote here before about how it's inevitable that if you have mental health issues you are going to be ashamed of them. It's admitting your worst weaknesses and that you're not always sane. But must it really be this way? If someone has heart disease or lung cancer, should they also feel ashamed of them? Of course not. But their lifestyle choices could have contributed them to having the diseases, like smoking or not eating well. And yet, with a lot of mental illnesses, one has very little control over whether you contribute to getting them or not and still the shame is so strong. The brain is just another organ, as the heart and lungs are and all can develop disorders and diseases. It's not our fault so why should we be shamed and embarrassed? As with cancer, we need to be diagnosed properly and go through with appropriate treatments so we suffer less and consequently ease the strain on our loved ones and the health system.
But the public's attitude is generally of not much help either. In the same article they said, "The Canadian Medical Association found 46 per cent of the 1,002 Canadians surveyed for the 2008 National Report Card on Health believed that mental illness was "an excuse for bad behaviour.""
WTF?!! That's a sad percentage of Canadians who are ignorant enough to blame the victims of disease for their symptoms. That's like telling someone with epilepsy to stop trying to get attention by having seizures. As if they're doing it on purpose! It's like telling someone suffering from bad migraines to stop complaining and get on with life. These people are suffering and need treatment and help, not others judging them for it and telling them to just stop crying and get on with life. Believe me, if I could just get on with my life without help, I would've already. No one enjoys self-destructing and hurting the ones they love around them in the process. No one likes going in and out of ERs and psych wards just for the attention. No one has fun losing touch with reality and losing control over oneself.
The article said, "Shame and fear often prevents people from seeking treatment. The Canadian Mental Health Association found that more than half of people living with mental disorders said that they were embarrassed about their mental health problems."
I wrote here before about how it's inevitable that if you have mental health issues you are going to be ashamed of them. It's admitting your worst weaknesses and that you're not always sane. But must it really be this way? If someone has heart disease or lung cancer, should they also feel ashamed of them? Of course not. But their lifestyle choices could have contributed them to having the diseases, like smoking or not eating well. And yet, with a lot of mental illnesses, one has very little control over whether you contribute to getting them or not and still the shame is so strong. The brain is just another organ, as the heart and lungs are and all can develop disorders and diseases. It's not our fault so why should we be shamed and embarrassed? As with cancer, we need to be diagnosed properly and go through with appropriate treatments so we suffer less and consequently ease the strain on our loved ones and the health system.
But the public's attitude is generally of not much help either. In the same article they said, "The Canadian Medical Association found 46 per cent of the 1,002 Canadians surveyed for the 2008 National Report Card on Health believed that mental illness was "an excuse for bad behaviour.""
WTF?!! That's a sad percentage of Canadians who are ignorant enough to blame the victims of disease for their symptoms. That's like telling someone with epilepsy to stop trying to get attention by having seizures. As if they're doing it on purpose! It's like telling someone suffering from bad migraines to stop complaining and get on with life. These people are suffering and need treatment and help, not others judging them for it and telling them to just stop crying and get on with life. Believe me, if I could just get on with my life without help, I would've already. No one enjoys self-destructing and hurting the ones they love around them in the process. No one likes going in and out of ERs and psych wards just for the attention. No one has fun losing touch with reality and losing control over oneself.
pot/weed/marijuana/mary jane
I've noticed more and more studies coming out saying weed can make mental illness appear faster in people already predisposed.
http://www.montrealgazette.com/health/story.html?id=4243830
And then the comments of others on the articles are always disproportionately rage-fueled rants against pharma or conservative conspiracies. Look, I know more than anybody how many benefits there are in smoking but the unfortunate truth is that it all comes at a price. It may not lead directly to death or brain cell death but it still affects the same dopamine system in your brain as alcohol, cocaine and other mood-altering drugs. And so your brain still changes its physiological structure to adapt to the higher levels of dopamine caused by continuous long-standing drug use, including weed use. So you can't kid yourself, the stuff still affects your brain chemicals and it's not all good. It's that cycle in the dopamine system that eventually leads to addiction. Of course, alot of people can use weed and not have it become a problem but just because it doesn't give you problems doesn't mean it doesn't give problems for others.
And then of course there's the stereotype that no one goes to rehab for marijuana. I thought that too. That's partly why I refused to go to rehab for a year though my psychologist kept suggesting it. Well here I am. I went to rehab because of weed mainly. It is my drug of choice. And when I got there I met others who were there because of weed too. It's not just alcoholics and cocaine users. There were also people there only addicted to prescription painkillers, or speed and ecstasy and gamblers who lost everything, and they don't even ingest any substances. Then when I got out, I found Marijuana Anonymous meetings and at the first one I went to, the speaker explained that he got addicted only to marijuana, and it eventually got so bad he started robbing houses to get the money to pay for his habit.
Conclusion: the dangers of marijuana are statistically small but still very real.
http://www.montrealgazette.com/health/story.html?id=4243830
And then the comments of others on the articles are always disproportionately rage-fueled rants against pharma or conservative conspiracies. Look, I know more than anybody how many benefits there are in smoking but the unfortunate truth is that it all comes at a price. It may not lead directly to death or brain cell death but it still affects the same dopamine system in your brain as alcohol, cocaine and other mood-altering drugs. And so your brain still changes its physiological structure to adapt to the higher levels of dopamine caused by continuous long-standing drug use, including weed use. So you can't kid yourself, the stuff still affects your brain chemicals and it's not all good. It's that cycle in the dopamine system that eventually leads to addiction. Of course, alot of people can use weed and not have it become a problem but just because it doesn't give you problems doesn't mean it doesn't give problems for others.
And then of course there's the stereotype that no one goes to rehab for marijuana. I thought that too. That's partly why I refused to go to rehab for a year though my psychologist kept suggesting it. Well here I am. I went to rehab because of weed mainly. It is my drug of choice. And when I got there I met others who were there because of weed too. It's not just alcoholics and cocaine users. There were also people there only addicted to prescription painkillers, or speed and ecstasy and gamblers who lost everything, and they don't even ingest any substances. Then when I got out, I found Marijuana Anonymous meetings and at the first one I went to, the speaker explained that he got addicted only to marijuana, and it eventually got so bad he started robbing houses to get the money to pay for his habit.
Conclusion: the dangers of marijuana are statistically small but still very real.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
a spiritual revelation
This happened to me back in December but I never got to write it down. I just came out of rehab for my first weekend at home (then I had to go back) and it was also Christmas Eve. One of the biggest skills they want you to remember and use is mindfulness. It just means staying in the present moment, not ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Just being at peace in the present since nothing is threatening your well-being right in the moment. Basically, it's living while fully aware of the present. Getting high or drunk or stressing out like crazy are all opposites of being mindful. So, it was my first weekend home from rehab and I was stressing. Mainly because my family did no shopping whatsoever so I had to run around before stores closed and because I didn't have my usual crutch to deal with the stress. But I remembered I had a bit of a joint left in my desk and so I caved and smoked it. And then God spoke to me. I felt a spiritual connection open up (I'm sure partly because I was high) and God said to me, "Do you know the most important reason why you should be mindful of the present? It is because every moment of your life is a gift from Me. So, every time you try to run away from it with drugs or become troubled by the past or future, you are not appreciating my gift." It was a eureka moment. Aha! That's the true spiritual reason why one shouldn't be out of it all the time, aside from it just being bad for you overall. I'm so glad to know this, but alas, it doesn't make the cravings any less. But anyway, I hope this is a foundation I can build on.
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