long time no see

My life is some sort of messed up drama movie. So I haven't really been keeping things up regularly. But these days I'm feeling a bit better so here I am. Here's a quick summary of the past few months:

I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at the psychiatric ward in October along with depression. They got me a regular psychiatrist and psychologist who knows my mind better than I do. I made very interesting friends there and even had a schizophrenic criminally insane boyfriend for a little while which caused some of my friends great worry along with my dabbling with drugs (I only stick to natural stuff now). Then because of my personality disorder I freaked out and thought everyone's frustrated at me and will abandon me and I only cause pain to those around me and I stupidly overdosed again which got me in the psychiatric ward again in February but only for a week. I may have had the worst episode ever while I was there and I had to be strapped down and injected. But I got better quickly after that. Ever since then I've just been struggling day by day to stay stable. Trying to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself and just not care too much about anything. Got good days and not so good days. I've been spending lots of time with friends including a group I met at the ward. One of them is my art agent (he gets 5%, to be paid in weed) and he already got 5 of my paintings in a commercial gallery! It's a childhood dream come true! And I'm in an art sale in June! So that's been boosting my mood lately. Another friend is pretty much a general substance addict in denial but he likes to come to church with me every week. He has ADHD and boy does he suffer. Hopefully, my atheist agent will decide to come too despite his criminal tendencies. These are the people who really need to go to church afterall. Been playing with friends' cats alot too. I love cats. I started writing my own, simple folkish song and it's going really well. I like how it sounds so far. I still see my pastor once a week generally and I've definitely had moments where I really felt the Holy Spirit with us, talking to us through His Word and urging us to take hope in Christ's victory on the cross. So that's also been good for being more stable too. I still have self-destructive thoughts but I don't feel tempted to act on them very much. I'm not as nervous and I'm not picking at my fingers as much as last week. Oh yeah, I also started smoking while in the hospital. Ironic, but the scheduled smoking breaks really make you smoke since there's nothing else to do there. I'm not really a regular though, unless you count the joints too. It really helps in keeping me sane and out of the hospital but I don't want to depend on it for the rest of my life either.

I've learnt so much about myself, still am. I'm definitely borderline and I can see how my perceptions get distorted by my emotions and such. I am more weak and foolish than I ever thought but it's ok, I know God is taking care of me despite my flaws. I hate how BPD just seems to mean you're a crybaby and percieve everthing in extremes so I suck at being rational. On the other hand, it's nice to finally know what it is that's been driving me nuts. Sort of.