The black hole and the volcano

I'm not sure I've written this before but whenever I try to picture what's in my heart/soul/whatever that's me inside my body I only see black nothingness and feel a black hole there. It is terrifying to sense it there, its powerful destructive force always threatening to annihilate me. Sometimes I can mostly ignore it though I could always feel a sort of desperation underneath my daily activities. But some other times I would panic and try to numb all my senses to better ignore it which only sped up my self-destruction and drove me closer to the black hole. This obviously becomes a vicious cycle where I am propelled ever closer to the black hole and I begin to lose my judgment, my principles, my memories, my passions, hope, endurance and connection with others until I can only see darkness. Eventually, because I have so little of me left to endure the fear and pain, suicide seems to be the only option. I see that this is the process that drove me for the last 7 years, somtimes slowly sometimes quickly. 

I wanted to explain where I think the black hole came from and the volcano part but this is upsetting me and I just want to relax today. I'm gonna play random games, knit socks and watch Netflix or something. Not that I haven't been relaxing. I've been doing those things for several days now. I've hardly left the apartment in a week. I really hope this is because I just really need it to de-stress from getting married and not because I'm avoiding things or something. I've also still been processing the past a lot in my head which takes more energy I think.

maybe finally processing the past

I've been getting the feeling these days that I am looking back a lot and for a bit I tried to fight it, you know not supposed to dwell on the past etc. But then I think maybe I need to. I thought at first that I had done this already seeing that my usual triggers are things from the past that land me in the hospital sometimes. But actually all I've really done through that horrible cycle is to just react to my past, mostly by rejecting it and not being able to tolerate it. I would try to pull the plug on my life out of sheer desperation and panic as a reboot that could kill the computer but hey, what choice do I have? Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Thankfully I am not that desperate any more. I think (and hope) that I've finally learned not to make my situation worse by self-destruction. But now I am left with a nostalgic bittersweet kind of surreal feeling underneath all my thoughts. Maybe it's time to fully understand what happened to me as a child, accept it and move on.