trying again

Starting today I am going to try to pray every morning and not just before-I-eat sort of thing. At my last session of individual DBT I will show my record to the therapist to check if I keep it up. Which is next week! Ugh that makes me sad. But I feel I have some new resolve which is good. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by drug use and it's been accelerating when I'm trying to cut down at the same time. Nothing crazy out of control but still not the desired result. I'm still better than before my last treatment so I'm gonna stick to volunteering and trying out the skills from DBT more often instead of automatically turning to drugs when I'm upset or stressed. And register for a french course which is my next step. No matter how anxiety-inducing it is I've got to put myself out there and at least start going back to school slowly. God wants me to be a productive member of society I'm sure and I can't sit on my ass forever. But through all of this I have to remember that I am not saved by my actions or merits but through dependence on Jesus Christ. If I don't remember this I'll run myself into the ground trying to be perfectionist and accomplished and get crushed under my own expectations.

woo

Went zonkas. With animated 3D clouds, so much good music I never heard before from my head, arguing and yelling with myself in my head, seeing doubles and patterns like a kaleidoscope, pictures moving like in Harry Potter, seeing so many implausible scenarios behind reality playing like movies, feeling alert but slow at the same time and anything can happen because everything's random.

magic dreaming

I've been doing this lately since I started buying it again but only in small quantities and not everyday. I suddenly heard Sleep to Dream Her by Dave Matthews Band in my head and instantly craved listening to it on the computer and then close my tired dry eyes and see the crazy dreams going on constantly in my head. It's like a weird music video to the song as I sometimes see the band members performing but it's also really random and life-like at the same time. There's random colours, stars, a lake, clouds, random people etc and everything moves. There's sometimes stories like short films that go on always with an air of mystery. And all throughout is a satisfying thrill that puts a permanent smile on your face. Everything feels so good, especially listening to music and eating. And seeing the dying sunlight and watch the moon and stars come up. And some visions are so engaging I get lost in them for a little bit. I drop into surreality where I have special creator powers but still anything can and does happen. Then I eventually float back down to earthly reality where I'm usually left tired and worn out.

He's carrying me

I had a sort of productive but depressing stressful day and I'm ashamed to say it was mostly because of unexpected traffic in my area when I was trying to go grocery shopping. Yeah stupid little shit like that sometimes gets me going too much and I stressed my family friend who was with me too. When we finally got home and put all the groceries away, I still felt grumpy and dark and empty inside. And I fell into despair about life and how I just don't deal with it very well. I felt pretty tortured for a few hours until I realized I hadn't prayed yet today. Ah my one source of light and salvation! I remembered, try as I might, I am still hopeless and dead meat without Jesus. I prayed and just rested in God's love and I had the vision again where I'm curled up in God's hand and He's carrying me through the deadly desert. I can feel the comfort and strength of His hand and can see the barren landscape moving beneath me as He carries me forward on this plane of existence. So I give thanks to God, because no matter how bad it gets, it would be even worse without Him. Now if only I could remember this fact all the time and be constantly aware of His benevolent presence!