still working on tabs

Just a note:
I'm still working on the tab for Old Times Cruelty by Antestor and the goal is to eventually tab the whole album.

out of the hospital x3

Haven't written here in a little while because I ended up in the hospital for a week yet again. It seemed to be the only place where my racing thoughts could stop. At home I was getting more and more down, so I smoked more and more until I was stoned all the time. I couldn't do anything since it destroyed any motivation I had which was really unhelpful in the end. I was living a slow, foggy nightmare where I would be constantly horrified of my faults and mistakes and of my grandparents dying and people leaving me. When I had yet another episode in the ER, instead of strapping me down completely, a really awesome nurse just stayed with me and held my hand the whole time until the meds eventually kicked in and I fell asleep. I made more friends and saw the regulars again but that place will make you crazy if you aren't already. We're all thrown together; schizophrenics, bipolars, anxious people, depressed people, drug users who went psychotic, personality disorders etc. It's impossible to relax there because there's either people screaming, talking to the radio or TV, saying things that make little or no sense or completely changing their behavior unexpectedly and doing odd things. I'm glad I never have to stay there too long.
After I got out I got into an argument with my dad and nearly ran away to a convent. I was afraid I might have to go back to the hospital but thankfully my pastor straightened me out and made with me a schedule to follow and I've been better ever since. I smoke way less now, I'm looking for a part-time job and I'm going back to school in the fall to study fashion merchandising.
One of my friends that I met in the psych ward the first time I was there seems to be doing progressively worse. He's using multiple doctors to get painkillers like Oxycontin which he doesn't need and he's abusing them all. I'm afraid he might die any day now, especially since he hasn't been answering his phone lately. Oh Lord, please save him! Give him the strength and faith needed to change.

Dying's part of life

I know this is true. And yet I can't help but be traumatized by it. And everytime I conclude I will not be able to see a certain friend again, it feels the same. Like I just murdered them because of course, the world revolves around me as one who suffers from BPD. Losing so many friends at once with no explanation from them, the bird dying, and now my grandmother is apparently dying. My grandpa said this ever so matter-of-factly 6 days ago. I've been enduring awful pain and panic since then and I can hold out only because I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow. I thought I was doing better. I really was trying. I've been able to hold on this long but I've been battered by all these emotionally wrenching events, and so soon after I got out of the hospital. I really don't want to go back. I don't know what to do... And then there are moments where I feel like there isn't really anything wrong. I'm actually ok and I just think I'm not so I can be lazy. Anyway, all of this sounds so silly and stupid. I've got to just move on. Why can't I just move on? I've got to relax. Why can't I just relax and give myself a break? I need to make the racing thoughts stop soon.