summary of end of 2015 and beginning of 2016

So it looks like I ended on a high note in October. It was so amazing. I could wake up in the morning and feel excited for the new day. But I knew it couldn't last. Mostly because nothing lasts in this world. And so I caught a cold around end of November I think. And that brought my mood down a bit. And then I was excited about Christmas but also forgot just how stressful it can be. So as the holidays approached, I got more and more stressed out by the buying of presents and seeing family on both sides at parties.

Then New Year's Eve I couldn't go to my friend's party because of some sort of dosage error with one of my meds. At the same time I had a very painful sensation in my mouth that just kept getting worse. Finally I decided to go to the ER for the pain under my tongue because it was just so bad. I could barely swallow or eat anything. They saw me quickly and said it was just a bad ulcer and it would go away by itself. But I told them I was in a lot of pain and they were just like 'here's a prescription for Oxy'.

Apparently Oxy is basically heroin and so of course I loved it and went nuts. I took anti-histamines in hopes of making the high stronger, I took other anti-anxiety meds at the same time for the same reason. I tried crushing and sniffing it etc.

Just when I was getting over that brief period of madness we found out that my fiance's mom had seizures and they found a tumour in her brain. We thought she was gonna die. She thought she was gonna die. And I thought my world was ending. I felt that she was a mom to me and I just freaked out about possibly losing yet another mother figure. I went into crisis mode and decided the only way I could postpone going crazy enough to get locked up again was to drink. And it worked. I stayed out of the hospital and was able to visit my SO's mom instead. And I would get lightly drunk every now and then. I stopped drinking again after 3 weeks.

Actual miracle here:
The brain surgeon was sure it was gonna be cancer when he did the biopsy. Turned out it was actually an infection! Which is weird and rare. But the treatment is simply really strong antibiotics and then it's gone. It's not comfortable but is still way better than getting cancer treatments. Super lucky!

It would be another month or so before I finally started to feel better and I decided I would establish healthy routines like reading the Bible and meditating.I used an app on my phone to keep me on track. It was great. I finally felt connected and clear-minded with God.

Unfortunately at the same time my fiance was feeling worse and worse. He was already depressed before the New Year and the whole thing with his mom's health just made it worse. I have never seen him so down.

Long story short, the roller-coaster ended with pot. I just try to keep the apartment from exploding with messes, do some wedding planning, see friends and smoke up in the evenings.

I know. I can't really justify it to myself. But we're pissed at most of the people at MA and I just can't believe how much fun it is to get stoned.

I hate being an addict and I can't help but love it too. Something about reckless abandoning of cares you can't let go of.