I feel like an idiot and my grandma is dying

Like a self-centered bratty young child. I don't know how but I missed the bus going home from the mental hospital (for the DBT) by standing at the stop and looking at my phone for one minute. I looked up and suddenly no one was there any more and no bus for another 22 minutes. I got so upset. I called my husband and complained and whined and decided that that was it, I'm gonna have to smoke up when I get home and then some yelling at him to take me off speakerphone so I don't hear the echo of myself freaking out over nothing leading to more self-hatred. I hate how I sound when I hear myself talking. Anyway, this all also felt ironic because the intro to the DBT skills group included an explanation of some of the major symptoms of BPD like magnifying or catastrophizing which is exactly what I just did. I took missing the bus and turned it into some huge deal that somehow proves that I am incapable of anything good.

Which of course feeds my distress which requires immediate relief so I smoke up even though I didn't want to today. I tend to tell myself that if I'm cutting down, then I'll only smoke up if there's an emergency. But almost everyday there is a fucking emergency. It feels like I want life to slow down a bit but that's impossible so I'm just getting dragged along instead. What is also looming over me is the fact that I have to go see my dying grandmother in pretty much a week. Just thinking about it right now is overwhelming. She's the strongest person I know alive right now. My grandfather's quirks put her through so much suffering but she was always calm and kind at least to my brother and I. I know it was hard for her because she would call my mom and drain and annoy her by always venting and complaining to her about my grandfather or whatever other troubles she had. But things improved in later years. I know her faith brought her through to the better side. And I know that she has always had loving concern for us. I'll never forget what she told me when I finally explained my mental health problems and addictions to her and my grandfather. She said, "You suffer so much because you are too talented in many things." Honestly I'm not sure exactly what she meant but it definitely isn't condemnation or judgement which is what I expected. I think I'll make her sesame seed cookie recipe soon. We loved them growing up and assumed it was some tradition of my grandma's from Korea. When I asked her where she got it from she said it was from a Japanese cooking magazine. lol

I'm in happiness debt

Getting high is like borrowing feel good chemicals from your brain for the present moment instead of the future moments they are meant for. It's like you got a credit card for the first time. And of course what happens is you end up in debt. And of course debt is always harder than you think it is to get out of. And then it compounds and can spiral out of control as you keep borrowing just to stay sane and deal with life's unforeseen shit. Well I'd like to start paying it off. This means exposing myself to life's shit without getting high. Sigh. Well that can't be so bad can it? I don't even remember what I was running from anyway. I think the shit has subsided somewhat in my life right now and as much as I would love to just keep running away to give myself a break, I need to keep moving on. God I hate that though. I'm bad at moving on. The past still haunts me I think. And the memories of being traumatized by the past haunt me too so it's like an inescapable haunting inception thing. I'm pretty sure this is why I have such a bad memory for anything. People used to make fun of me for it. A friend in high school used to say that she was on the highway but I was on the service road and it frustrated her. Well, it frustrates me too. Still. But I see now why my memory is so self-centered. I only remember what I want to remember. It was and is an old way I figured out probably when I was young to deal with stressful situations. But it has it's drawbacks and I don't know how to stop it. Anyway, went off on a tangent. I think. I'm just so confused these days. Maybe the point of all this is that I am becoming a pillar of salt.
No wait, the main point here is that I'm hoping to stay clean tomorrow. Full 24 hours. But I'm starting DBT group therapy again tomorrow afternoon at my case worker's insistence. I so badly don't want to go. It'll be my third attempt and every time it is stressful as hell. You talk about difficult things with complete strangers whose problems are just as intense as yours. You can cut the tension in the air with a knife. It sucks.

OMG i'm married and tired and annoyed

Wow. Our wedding was incredibly awesome! For once, a day in my life where my mental illnesses can't trick me into thinking that no one cares since there they all were, right in front of my eyes. My favourite family and friends (and of course the random ppl you don't know at all because they are your parents friends etc). All very clearly moved and celebrating an exciting life decision you made with your favourite person on earth. The planning of it very nearly drove us literally crazy (we might be over the edge now...) but we did our best and left the rest in God's hands on our special day.

Looking over our almost first month being married, I realized that there isn't just us 2 any more but also God to whom we committed our lives and to each other. Which is incredible. I see now I was right to put the focus on Him during the wedding and to go through it all in the first place because it publicly announces that we live for Jesus and are united with His love. Because, looking back, if I was not Christian I would not ever put myself through that ever! The wedding was an immense source of stress and always incredibly expensive even when you think you are being thrifty. It's like a public works project, expect to add more 0s than you thought you would to your budget.

Now we are annoyingly married. We've been irritating each other so much lately. I think there is this horrible momentum to the self-neglect that was necessary to plan the wedding and now it's hard to slow it down. The apartment got so bad that even I couldn't ignore it any more when I noticed mold growing under the seat of our toilet about a week or two after the wedding. It was the cherry on top of months of no cleaning anything at all. I nearly had a panic attack and considered sleeping somewhere else. Instead we spent hundreds on a cleaning service. We don't sleep normal or regular hours nor do we eat on any kind of schedule. And I'm tired from my meds interacting with the pot so I sleep a lot. We're trying to get back on track in life but I'm not sure it's working. At least we haven't clearly failed I guess. I got our cat to the vet for a check-up (she's good), I got myself to a doctor for random physical problems and the apartment isn't a disaster any more...