I feel like an idiot and my grandma is dying

Like a self-centered bratty young child. I don't know how but I missed the bus going home from the mental hospital (for the DBT) by standing at the stop and looking at my phone for one minute. I looked up and suddenly no one was there any more and no bus for another 22 minutes. I got so upset. I called my husband and complained and whined and decided that that was it, I'm gonna have to smoke up when I get home and then some yelling at him to take me off speakerphone so I don't hear the echo of myself freaking out over nothing leading to more self-hatred. I hate how I sound when I hear myself talking. Anyway, this all also felt ironic because the intro to the DBT skills group included an explanation of some of the major symptoms of BPD like magnifying or catastrophizing which is exactly what I just did. I took missing the bus and turned it into some huge deal that somehow proves that I am incapable of anything good.

Which of course feeds my distress which requires immediate relief so I smoke up even though I didn't want to today. I tend to tell myself that if I'm cutting down, then I'll only smoke up if there's an emergency. But almost everyday there is a fucking emergency. It feels like I want life to slow down a bit but that's impossible so I'm just getting dragged along instead. What is also looming over me is the fact that I have to go see my dying grandmother in pretty much a week. Just thinking about it right now is overwhelming. She's the strongest person I know alive right now. My grandfather's quirks put her through so much suffering but she was always calm and kind at least to my brother and I. I know it was hard for her because she would call my mom and drain and annoy her by always venting and complaining to her about my grandfather or whatever other troubles she had. But things improved in later years. I know her faith brought her through to the better side. And I know that she has always had loving concern for us. I'll never forget what she told me when I finally explained my mental health problems and addictions to her and my grandfather. She said, "You suffer so much because you are too talented in many things." Honestly I'm not sure exactly what she meant but it definitely isn't condemnation or judgement which is what I expected. I think I'll make her sesame seed cookie recipe soon. We loved them growing up and assumed it was some tradition of my grandma's from Korea. When I asked her where she got it from she said it was from a Japanese cooking magazine. lol