9 months clean from all street drugs wooo! I never thought I would make it this far. I had a few close calls, including one where I called my old middleman to get weed but didn't end up getting it thank God, but here I am. And I sincerely thank God. He's been protecting me the whole time from irresistibly tempting situations and even keeping me from getting what I wanted when I couldn't take it anymore. No one's randomly offered me a joint or dropped drugs in front of me which has both happened to other recovering addicts I know at Marijuana Anonymous. One of them slipped because of it. I also thank myself for being so strong in the face of such a deadly disease as addiction is and doing what I knew I had to do to stay sober, staying away from certain people and keeping busy and going to therapy regularly and being open and honest with professionals who try to help me. Being an active addict is now like a bad nightmare. I can't believe I couldn't stand a moment of sobriety before. And I can't believe being sober is now my normal again. I can't believe I can do school now, be a member of an art studio and go out and generally do things again. I'll be thankful for that ability for the rest of my life. I still get tempted sometimes to just have one joint, one line, one pill... but I know where it will lead me and I don't want to go there. I don't want my BPD to get worse, I don't want to be suicidal anymore, I don't want to end up in the ER and the psych ward, all just because I tried that one hit and it led to another and another. I'm taking better care of myself now. It's been incredibly hard to reach that point and sometimes I fall back into self-destruction, but I still stayed clean this long (minus the occasional drink) and I pray it continues.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Most incredible dream ever!!!! I met Jesus!
I had this dream while in the hospital and it was so special, I'll remember it for the rest of my life. It isn't really even a dream, more like a vision. A spiritual event.
I dreamt my house was suddenly a mansion connected to a museum which was also connected to other mansions. My dad, brother and I decided to take a look around in the museum part. I started to fall behind, taking more time looking around and I spotted these stone stairs that looked like they belonged in a monastery. I couldn't see where they led and was curious so I started climbing them. I noticed that on the walls were painted, in a medieval-like style, Middle Eastern history mixed with Bible events. I thought to myself, it would be nice to see where Jesus appears so I kept climbing the stairs since the paintings went forward in time as you go up. After a while I came to the portrait of Jesus and paused to admire it. When I turned to keep going up the stairs, I realized there were only two to go and someone was at the top with their hand out to help me up. And I stared in awe as I took their hand because it was Jesus Himself standing before me. I could tell because I could feel omnipotent power and love emanating from Him. He didn't look stereotypically Caucasian with white clothes. It was really Jesus in the flesh so He looked Middle Eastern Jewish, modestly handsome and had the typical clothing of the time He lived on earth. There are no words to describe being in His presence. He was really there with me, helping me up the last stairs! He didn't have to speak to communicate with me. He said,"If I tell you to jump off these stairs with me, would you do it?" I hesitated to look down and it was over two stories high from the floor. I said, "Yes, I would because I feel comfortable with You." So He kept holding my hand and we jumped down. The floor became like liquid and we fell through it to the next floor where it felt like it became a trampoline and we easily landed on our feet. And then I asked the question I had been burning to ask, "What do I do about my mom?" He said, "Your mom is safe with me. She just doesn't want you to be in so much pain anymore." And my dream ended.
When I woke up, I was in a stunned daze and cried any time I told anyone about it. I met Jesus Himself in the flesh! I feel like one of the disciples in the Bible! I met the Creator of the universe and He came to see me Himself and help me with my issues about my mom!! I can still remember His face and the feel of His hand on mine! Praise the Lord Almighty! I can't believe how loving You are!
On a silly side note, I couldn't tell very many people since I was in the psych ward. I would have been stuck there longer, raving 'I met Jesus last night!' But now that I'm out, I want to tell everyone!
I dreamt my house was suddenly a mansion connected to a museum which was also connected to other mansions. My dad, brother and I decided to take a look around in the museum part. I started to fall behind, taking more time looking around and I spotted these stone stairs that looked like they belonged in a monastery. I couldn't see where they led and was curious so I started climbing them. I noticed that on the walls were painted, in a medieval-like style, Middle Eastern history mixed with Bible events. I thought to myself, it would be nice to see where Jesus appears so I kept climbing the stairs since the paintings went forward in time as you go up. After a while I came to the portrait of Jesus and paused to admire it. When I turned to keep going up the stairs, I realized there were only two to go and someone was at the top with their hand out to help me up. And I stared in awe as I took their hand because it was Jesus Himself standing before me. I could tell because I could feel omnipotent power and love emanating from Him. He didn't look stereotypically Caucasian with white clothes. It was really Jesus in the flesh so He looked Middle Eastern Jewish, modestly handsome and had the typical clothing of the time He lived on earth. There are no words to describe being in His presence. He was really there with me, helping me up the last stairs! He didn't have to speak to communicate with me. He said,"If I tell you to jump off these stairs with me, would you do it?" I hesitated to look down and it was over two stories high from the floor. I said, "Yes, I would because I feel comfortable with You." So He kept holding my hand and we jumped down. The floor became like liquid and we fell through it to the next floor where it felt like it became a trampoline and we easily landed on our feet. And then I asked the question I had been burning to ask, "What do I do about my mom?" He said, "Your mom is safe with me. She just doesn't want you to be in so much pain anymore." And my dream ended.
When I woke up, I was in a stunned daze and cried any time I told anyone about it. I met Jesus Himself in the flesh! I feel like one of the disciples in the Bible! I met the Creator of the universe and He came to see me Himself and help me with my issues about my mom!! I can still remember His face and the feel of His hand on mine! Praise the Lord Almighty! I can't believe how loving You are!
On a silly side note, I couldn't tell very many people since I was in the psych ward. I would have been stuck there longer, raving 'I met Jesus last night!' But now that I'm out, I want to tell everyone!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
In and out of the psych ward again
This must be the sixth or seventh time now. Spent 2.5 weeks in the hospital and just got discharged yesterday. I can't believe I ended up in there again even though I've been clean from drugs almost 9 months now. I guess my BPD is pretty bad on its own. It got triggered again by my mom's bday which was in late February. I tried my absolute best to handle it well. I stayed busy, hung out with friends, sang a bunch of songs, did homework but I still steadily got more and more emotionally unstable. I even had my pastor visit me on the day of her bday but it didn't help enough. The urges to hurt myself got stronger and stronger until I just couldn't take it anymore. I chugged some wine and tossed a bunch of my meds in my mouth but my bf and brother were there and my bf tried to get me to spit it all out. I was so conflicted between the urge to hurt myself and trying to fight it off that I stalled for a long time. By the time I did spit out what was in my mouth, half the pills already dissolved into my mouth. Then I tried grabbing a knife but they stopped me, called Poison Control and took me to the hospital where I physically recovered but then I started banging my head and punching myself so my arms were tied down. I saw the ER psychiatrist and I was ready to argue with him how serious BPD can be but he completely disarmed me by immediately agreeing I should go upstairs to the psychiatric ward. He was really nice. So in 2 days I got transferred there and the first couple of days were really hard. I still had bad urges to hurt myself. I ended up in the isolation room twice and got completely strapped down, arms, legs and waist once. But after a few days the urges got smaller and smaller and I stopped hurting myself. But I was still emotionally fragile for a while. My bf's mom wrote me a letter out of loving concern and that set me off again since it mentioned my mom but by the next day I was ok. I got a very nice psychiatrist to work with and she gave me the time to recover and get stronger again. I think my psychologist did a good job teaching the staff about BPD.
I saw a lot of familiar faces staying there with me, a lot of us mental patients seem to cycle in and out of that place. There were only a handful I didn't know already from previous stays. I feel a lot better now, time to get back to reality and try to salvage my semester. Already did some math homework today.
I saw a lot of familiar faces staying there with me, a lot of us mental patients seem to cycle in and out of that place. There were only a handful I didn't know already from previous stays. I feel a lot better now, time to get back to reality and try to salvage my semester. Already did some math homework today.
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