visiting family in new brunswick (a slip)

It was great for my fiance to meet my grandparents finally, I think they liked him. My grandma was like, oh he's handsome! And it was great to meet my friend who moved there for the summer. We went to tasty pubs with blueberry beer, went to pretty beaches and just had a really good time overall. The not so great part was that we had to stay at my aunts as usual and she was even more irritating this time. She's the most shallow, selfish bitch I have ever known. She takes being annoyingly korean to a whole new level. Her status and how she is seen by others is all that matters to her. And of course that her children out-compete me and my brother in looks and future careers. Luckily her kids, my cousins, are super laid-back and don't care or think like my aunt does. But there she goes, first thing she says to me when I come in the door, "oh you gained weight! But it looks good on you." I actually lost weight but I still have a tiny belly and she's hoping it gets bigger by bugging me about it. I know this sounds paranoid but after all the behaviour I've seen in her, and the fact that my dad agrees with me about her, I know why she's always staring at my clothing and my waist, she's analyzing how I dress and look and comparing me to my cousin and herself. Granted, she does alot for us when we stay over, but it's only because she would look bad if she didn't and she gets bitter about it easily, and let's us know we should be thanking and praising her up the wall for it.
Maybe it was because she stressed me out, or the upcoming moving, but I got super cravings for any mind-altering substance that wasn't alcohol. It was really scary actually, it became an uncontrollable obsession and my mind couldn't think of anything else. I had to get something and it was the only thing that mattered. I couldn't think of consequences or whether it was a good idea. I decided to look around the house since my uncle's a family doctor and finally went into my aunt's bedroom bathroom, opened her drawers and scored big-time. She had large quantities of Ativan and clonazepam, both are tranquilizers. I stole some, put them in a bag and said to myself, I'll just have one or two a day and it can last me a couple weeks of occasional fun. Boy was I wrong. I took 5 or 6 that day and then thought it would be fun to mix with alcohol (you never mix meds like that with alcohol). I just couldn't think straight or logically. The only thing I could think is how to get more high and that was priority number 1. I can't describe how trapped my mind was, there was only one thing that mattered and I couldn't snap out of it. I ended up throwing up and my fiance noticed how I was acting different and he threw the rest out while I was sleeping. I was mad at him but after a few days I was able to think more normally again and I realize he may have saved my life by taking them away. I've been feeling embarrassed, depressed and guilty ever since but also vengeful in a way. I know now my aunt takes psychiatric meds and obviously takes them for a reason, probably anxiety. Ha! I found out her secret and stole from her! She was extremely nosy about the meds I was taking a while back so there. Still obviously I shouldn't have done that. Now I have to recover and use other ways to deal with stress. I'm still having cravings though, I searched my room in case there were any drugs I missed before. Ugh. I'm just gonna try to stay busy with the moving and treat myself carefully and take care of myself. I learned my lesson at least for now, I can't control my addiction so I have to stay away from certain things. I can't have just a little like some others can.

Blueberry beer with actual blueberries floating inside.

moving and silliness

Well, the storm has officially hit me. My dad is now remarried and we have to move things and throw things out to make room for the new wife, my new stepmom. Wow, that's so weird, I'm still not used to it. She seems nice enough, maybe a little bossy but well-intentioned. I can see why my dad chose her. She's sexier than I am and I'm in my 20s and she's in her 50s. Anyways, I'm also packing to move out for the first time, with my fiance and a good friend. I'm excited but a little worried that we might fight about chores or something. We're all a bit lazy and disorganized! I pray that it will all work out. I don't know if it's from stress from all these things but I've been having lots of dreams where the only thing I want is drugs. Using dreams don't bother me as much anymore but there's so many of them that I'm starting to get annoyed. I'm just thankful that in real life I don't want to be high anymore.
I guess for reminiscing sake, here are some memes I found hilarious while high, and still find funny sober. Most are from Reddit.

Ah the alien guy from the so-called History Channel. He really likes to talk with his hands! As demonstrated below as well.

I love 10 guy memes. I don't really look at them anymore, just to be safe that it doesn't bring up old habits. If you don't know, these memes are based on what's said by really stoned people. This one really made me laugh, seeing as I am an artist. I wish it was like printing!

So true but still expensive.

I don't remember if I actually did this while high since I was high, but I remember wanting to do this very badly. I had the munchies all the time. Gained at least 10 pounds.

eeeeeee!

This is just so awesome.

So is this.

Yes I'm bored. I'm also stressed because I just drastically changed my haircut. I have bangs now. I like it but I don't know if I can maintain them... Well, if I get a bad hair day, I'll just look at this!

complacency is sooo bad

These days my fiance and I have just been downright lazy as hell. Get up well past noon, watch TV, maybe see a friend and watch more TV together and that's pretty much it. I figured it's like the calm before the storm. My dad's away in Jamaica getting married and in August we will be moving out with a friend. It's ok to have a calm downtime, but not when it lasts a few weeks and you don't go to church or any 12 step meeting or even sit down and have alone time with God for that whole period. I started feeling spiritually sick so today I finally prayed and meditated and I feel so much better. But there were other consequences as well of our complacency. We didn't spend much time with some loved ones, I started feeling depressed and lethargic and afraid I would slip into clinical depression again, I got more using dreams and more cravings for weed and cocaine and we drank more that led to feeling more down the next day so we got grumpy and had arguments and a particularly emotional confrontation between my fiance and my brother. I had a good talk with my little brother, mentioned how I have forgiven people and they're on good terms now. Anyways, my point is being complacent is bad for your soul. We're in constant battle against evil forces within and outside us and doing nothing only leaves more room for destructive impulses.
So yeah, going to try to be more productive now...

I do forgive

I always knew from the Bible that forgiveness frees you when you do the forgiving, but it's something else to actually experience it. I'm 100% sure now that I have forgiven my mom. How? Because I feel so much more free! I feel free from the intensely poisonous anger I had against her, free from guilt associated with the anger and the past and free from the voices in my head that were her negative voice, putting me down all the time and driving me to self-destruction. I wasn't sure this would even happen, I thought maybe it would happen in 10 years but praise God it has happened this summer. I feel free from being traumatized by the past, unable to process it in any terms but anger. It's like I was stuck in the moment when someone bumps into you in the street, your initial reaction is an angry 'Hey!' but later you cool down and figure they were in a hurry or just didn't see you and you move on. Now I'm in the latter phase, cooled down, processing what happened and moving on. If it wasn't for God's intervention with the dream with my mom, I'm sure it would have taken 10 years more. I always knew from the Bible that we must forgive others as He has forgiven us but it was so hard and seemingly impossible. But with God, nothing's impossible! I feel really sorry for those people out there who hold grudges forever and hate forgiving people...
What's even more surprising is that it has spread to other people in my life that have hurt me or abandoned me in times of great need. I'm no longer angry at old friends who decided to stop hanging out with me or people who felt my problems were too great and stopped seeing me, or people who have said insensitive things to me. I certainly don't feel like I looove them but I do wish them well, and that's it. What a relief it is to be less bitter!
Also, I think this has helped my PTSD alot. Like I said, I don't feel quite so traumatized anymore. Things that remind me of my mom don't drive me crazy, only sad. My necklace of her wedding ring doesn't feel like it burns me anymore so now I can wear it again. It also boosts my notion that I probably won't cut myself anymore so I'm gonna get a tattoo over my scars with my mom's favorite flowers and my own in an Art Nouveau style around my lower arm and wrist. Here's a source photo for the tattoo.