the terrible birthday

I haven't written about it until now since I think I'm doing better than when I was going through it. And just thinking about it triggered me for a while. Now it's not as bad. I barely got through my mom's birthday this past February 21st and I still ended up in the hospital a few weeks later but more accidentally than because of an episode. It was so incredibly hard and painful though. And how to explain it? Well, first of all, I simply miss her so much. But my memories of her also pain me because I can't believe everything she put me through. And her words still haunt me, forming its own voice in my head which tells me to destroy myself because that's all I'm good for. And so I feel possessed by a malevolent ghost of my mom that gets stronger whenever I'm reminded of her. I shouldn't write much more or else I'll revive it within me. The only way I was able not to act on the destructive urges was to depend on my amazing bf who spent a whole week with me, watching me all day. My mind hatched all kinds of plans to get more pills and just take everything to be in a coma but the combo of being with my bf and my own willpower and God's strength for it kept me safe. I didn't have any severe episodes that made me completely lose it. Truly it's a blessing and sign that I'm doing better than last year. My only lingering problem is the continuing feeling that my mom lives inside me, and only her bad characteristics.

how DBT and stabilization therapy went

I noticed that I talked about starting these two therapy groups but I never followed up on them here. DBT was from September to December and stabilization therapy (which was led by my psychologist) was from December? to February. DBT should be taught in all schools in simplified form to grade schoolers. It is about how to manage your thoughts and feelings and interact with people in a way that makes life easier for everyone. It's very practical. The main thing they kept repeating was to distract, soothe yourself and be mindful any time something triggered intensely negative emotions. The key is to let yourself calm down with a neutral, distracting activity, then soothe yourself like taking a hot bath and keep your mind in the present, not ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. If you can actually master that in practice, then you have solved one of the main sources of suffering for people with BPD or intense emotions. Then they also cover how to interact with people without getting into conflicts or too much tension. So it's amazing wisdom, but hard to put into practice. But they say practice makes perfect, so I'm going to rewrite my notes and try to use them.

Then I did stabilization therapy where you simply think about what your goals are in life and they talk about ways to get there. They also talk about how to understand what your emotions are telling you and advise you on whatever life situations you are in. It wasn't as helpful as DBT but still good. I figured out I want to go into psychology there I think.

fellow judgers

Hmm, I think I have noticed a disturbing trend I call 'judging fellows'. It occurs in this sort of situation mostly: someone has a problem, someone else who had a similar problem feels they can give advice on how to solve it but they also can get impatient, harsh and judgmental of the first person. Isn't that weird? You'd think that the person who had similar experiences would be the most sympathetic and supportive of the person with the problem but I've noticed that they can often be the opposite. A good example is the girl at my church who said she used to be addicted to drugs and would help me by calling me and praying for me everyday for my addiction. But as the weeks went by and I still didn't quit, she stopped calling me and later told me that I wasn't doing enough for myself to warrant her help. She was frustrated with me for not trying 'hard enough' by completely quitting. Well in fact, I've been doing alot more than just smoking up all the time and I've been regularly going to therapy which is a strong sign of someone doing something to help themselves! But to her that wasn't enough. I'm sure it's because she was able to quit everything pretty quickly and without any professional help and so she expected that it would be as simple for me. But addiction is different for everyone and there are varying degrees of severity. The more psychological issues you have, the harder it is to quit and believe me, I have more than the average person. I was so shocked and hurt when she told me how she felt. I thought she would be understanding but she in fact judged me through her own experience and thus had little patience for me and my struggles.
Another example is a few comments on reddit r/leaves which I have just discovered is just for people quitting weed or thinking about it which is awesome. One post talked about someone struggling to quit because they self-medicate for depression. One comment said that his problems are self-inflicted and that you need to get out and enjoy life and everyone else suffers too but they get over it and you should stop self-pitying and do stuff. The poster wrote back basically saying that that's what people say when they don't know what depression is like and it's offensive to him. I agree. It's hurtful and harsh and impatient of him because of the tone. It's mostly truthful but doesn't need to be written so angrily. The commenter wrote even more harsh words back with pretty much the same message as before but said they suffered from depression all their life. I was shocked. And thought about this fellow judging phenomenon. They said it took them years but they figured out how to be well and now they suddenly have no patience for others in the same boat but further behind.
So I guess this is a word of warning for myself and whomever. Just because someone went through something similar to your issues, doesn't mean they will be kind and understanding of them. They can just as easily have no patience and judge you as one who never had big issues because it wasn't as hard for them as it might be for you. No one goes through the same mental illnesses with the same experiences. It's harder on some than others and being harsh on people already suffering and vulnerable is just a recipe for disaster either way. For some people, quitting pot is not that hard. You just stop, maybe have a hard time sleeping for a few days, feel kinda funny but you get over it. It's just not the same way for me. I get dreams about using drugs and craving them, I feel alot of anxiety, sometimes to the point of panic attack episodes where I see and hear things that aren't there, I become self-destructive and have to fight powerful urges to cut and hurt myself, my emotions become even more unbalanced than they usually are with my BPD so everything becomes a big deal and everything I experience hurts more so I overreact to everything. Basically, I go crazy without weed. But it will drive me crazy if I don't stop soon. I can't believe what a trap I'm in. And nobody can tell me my experience is otherwise! I am struggling and that's the simple truth and it's my right to express it and need extra help for it.

scary sounding metro

Our metro system was built in the 60's so it's developed certain quirks over the decades. Sometimes those quirks are downright scary. Like how recently one of the cars became detached while it was traveling between stations and passengers had to walk in tunnels to get out. Or just annoying, like when the cars are traveling fast and start to shake up and down alot since the tires are slightly bent out of shape so all your fat is jiggling around. It is particularly unfortunate for large-chested women. Well, this time I was just taking the metro after volunteering with adults who mostly have cerebral palsy and it started making a loud rattling noise. I thought, this is it. Something's wrong with the metro and we're all gonna die. And then I thought, well, I can die a happy person because I know I helped and loved people today. And I felt totally at peace for a while. Then the metro rolled away and everything was fine of course. Yet I felt like I learned something there. Felt a glimpse of my future and the key to happiness.

something silly

I just realized my bf's eyes are very similar to Tom Cruise's. No wonder I find him hot! Yeah I'm feeling like an 8 right now...

friend burnout

A few friends have told me about similar experiences with me recently. From my side all I see is, good friend tries to help me since they know my mental health got really bad. And then after a while, good friend gets too busy to hang out and eventually disappears. And then sometimes they come back to me and say sorry. Why sorry? They admitted to me that they really wanted to help me but couldn't figure out how, got frustrated and burnt out and decided to stay away for their own mental health. I was afraid that might happen and now it's happened with at least 3 of my good friends. It adds to my irrational fear that my illnesses and problems can be contagious if I get to know someone too closely. I'm always afraid that I'm a source of negative vibes for people around me. I guess it's understandable though. My experiences over the last three years have been traumatizing and of course, what you go through, your loved ones also partly go through as well. And believe me, anyone would have a hard time dealing with what I've had to deal with these past few years. But, withdrawing without saying anything to me just triggers my BPD more because I hate it when I perceive that someone is abandoning me. So I get upset, repress it and my mind automatically pretends you are dead to me. So, really if you are burning out trying to help me and solve my problems, tell me. And remember that I am not someone you need to somehow fix. My burdens are unfortunately, mine alone. The best way you can help someone in psychological distress is to just be there once in a while and simply listen when I need to express myself. Nothing more is necessary from friends of people going through hard times. You can do extra if you want but don't think you have to come up with solutions. The source of my suffering is complex and requires extensive professional treatment, something friends can't provide anyways. But friends have an important part of anyone's life, I still appreciate hanging out with friends, just having fun together helps.

misconceptions of mental illness

I have to admit a silly new habit that I find embarrassing: reading celebrity gossip. I used to look down on people who cared about celebrities and like so many other things I looked down on people for, I turn out to be the same as them. But probably for different reasons, well actually not really that much. It started with reading about Bobbi Kristina, Whitney Houston's daughter. As Houston's death got covered everywhere in the media, they started talking about the daughter's life, especially since she has similar problems as her mom and was in the hospital several times since the death. And I noticed that her life was similar to mine. I was 18 when my mom died, I was young but had to care for an ill mother emotionally like she did with Whitney's addictions, both our moms treated us more like friends, both of us have addiction issues too and have been in the hospital for emotional breakdowns. So now I'm interested to see how she handles it all, as if she's a friend with similar problems and we're both looking for solutions as we live our daily lives. Which translates into going to TMZ and trashy sites like it. Sigh. And what has that led to? Hearing about more celebrities with allegedly similar problems to mine. So I read about them too and empathize, even if it's not entirely accurate of the celebrity because of course, who really knows how they're doing. There's Demi Moore out of rehab for drugs and anorexia, Owen Wilson and his addictions and now there's Tila Tequila deciding to go to rehab after trying to kill herself all week and ending up in a hospital. The comments for this item caught my attention. Of course there was lots of flaming that I just try to ignore since they're of no value but there were a few more thoughtful comments. These comments revealed a lot of prejudice and misconceptions of mental disorders and mental illness in general.

-"Let her kill herself. Everyone is entitled to the choice of living or dying. If this troll wants to kill herself, let her."

Ok this is more like flaming but to some people it may look like a reasonable statement, especially if they are suicidal themselves. But it is not a true statement. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom of a psychiatric or psychological problem. There is no truly good reason to want to die aside from the debatable situation of being terminally ill.

-"New book idea suicide for dummies"

This is a popular thought that people have when they hear about someone trying to kill themselves repeatedly and is similar to the comment below. Both question, 'is the person really trying to die or what?' Instead of this judgemental questioning, you should be focusing on why someone would feel so badly that they would want to die or seriously injure themselves at all and repeatedly.

-"I agree this poor girl has some serious issues that need to be dealt with but also pretty sure she is an attention hog. I seem to remember a self video she did where she cut herself up or something. So with that said not sure what her intentions where/are."

Again questioning, 'did she really want to die?' and this person adds, 'or for attention?' But truly, what does it matter in the end? It's besides the point. The real point is that here is an individual who is possibly hurting herself for attention or really wants to die. Either way she needs professional medical level treatment for her psychological disorders and addictions (which is also classified as mental illness). Hurting yourself for attention is the behaviour of someone afflicted and suffering, not simply spoiled or badly behaving on purpose or manipulating as this comment suggests:

-"She is literally killing herself for attention and it seems to be working."

Even if she is manipulating for attention through trying to kill herself, does that sound like the behaviour of someone sane? They definitely have extreme thought patterns whatever the intentions, and that requires professional intervention and not condescending judgement from others!

-it's just a cry for help

Ok so I added this one but only because I hear a lot of this comment too when attempted suicide is brought up. If you were overboard in stormy seas, wouldn't you cry for help? Whatever the situation, even if it is a cry for help, then it's a sign that something's very wrong and the person needs help! If they're hurting themselves to cry for help, then they need psychiatric and/or psychological help and not condescending judgement!

-"even her website says she has "multiple personality disorder" ala "Cybil". She's not gonna last long."

At least this commenter acknowledges she suffers from an actual disorder that affects behaviour. But they see all the disorders and figure she's as good as dead. Yes some people unfortunately suffer from several disorders, substance abuse often comes along with a few personality disorders and bi-polar and schizophrenia and more. Yes that means they are at higher risk of early tragic deaths but most manage to live out their daily lives functionally with professional help. Stop all the harsh condemnation and judging of people who have mental illnesses!

applied for school once again

Last time I went back to school was a year and a half ago but I was trying too much all at once, and to top it all off I didn't think I had an addiction problem at all. So I ended up going crazy with stress and lasted about a month or so. Since then I've gone to rehab and two group therapies, one of them being the incredibly wise DBT. And my dad's been bugging me about my future plans and getting on with it. And I've been getting the idea of Art Therapy but it's a scary Master's program and also such a narrow field of therapy. I figured, if I really want to help people, it would be better to be a certified psychologist, which means a PhD here in Quebec. So, I prayed about it, I think got the go-ahead, and applied for the specialization in psychology bachelor's program for the fall semester. The thing my psychologist has been bugging me forever just to look into and I suddenly completely applied finally! I didn't get to talk to him about it yet but I know for sure I can't continue classes under the same conditions as before ie, I can't be smoking as much as I do. I wouldn't remember enough. I have to consider the option of rehab once again. ugh.