I'm in a force field of happiness!

I am sorry if I am sounding annoying being all happy and stuff, honestly I almost annoy myself but it's me being happy so...
This happiness is very resilient. Things that usually trigger me just don't have the same gut-punching impact they used to have. Examples:

- If someone talks about my mom I'm fine and can joke about her too.

- Me, my dad and my fiance took advantage of the very last nice day of summer and walked around the gigantic cemetery my mom is at and visited her. I felt sad and missed her extremely but I still felt good about myself and life and stuff. Crazy!

- Using dreams don't upset me any more.

- My dad talked about possibly reconciling with his possibly ex-wife who put him half a million in debt. I drained myself completely earlier in the year trying to convince him 100% that he should leave her and kick her ass in court but when he told me about reconciling last week, I was stressed but was still able to just let it go. It's his life.

- I feel like I'm not ugly even though I weigh more than before

- Kids with their moms make me happy instead of triggering upset feelings about my childhood

- A good friend of mine just got engaged and will have a massive Italian wedding. I feel happy for her and am not comparing what her wedding will be like to mine.

- I don't care if there's enough black on my wedding dress any more, I'm not going to have black beading added on for an extra 450$

Interestingly there was a couple hours one day where I got pretty upset, so upset that I became drained and had to nap and hide in my bed. I saw a video on facebook by Samaritan's Purse showing refugees from Syria coming to the shores of the island of Lesbos, Greece. The boats looked flimsy and overcrowded. Sometimes empty boats would show up. I can't really remember the details now but it was shocking and heartbreaking and I got so sad for the suffering. I can't imagine fleeing my home and country just to survive.

I guess I'm still sensitive but perhaps it can be used to care for others.

Weeee! Am I high or something?!

It's official. I am so weirded out by my mood this past 2 weeks. I'm actually really happy. REALLY happy. WTF?! I can't remember any time in my life where I might have felt like this, not even when I was a kid (which I guess is not really that surprising seeing as I was my mom's emotional punching bag). The closest is probably when I was in Gr.11 and first year of cegep? Over 10 years ago. I wake up happy, even if I had using dreams! I'm happy even though we have no money! I'm happy even though my dearest fiance still feels lost an depressed in life! I'm happy even though I am not efficient with my time! I'm happy even though my nails are horrendously long from being to lazy to cut them and I can't remember the last time I took a shower and I stink! WHATS HAPPENING TO ME. I'm almost having a panic attack over how happy I am.

Well, I'm gonna just try and enjoy it and be thankful for this. It feels like God has finally given me relief and freedom from my pain. I don't know if this will last or if I'm gonna go into mania but for now, I don't feel like I'm journeying through a desert any more. Perhaps it's an oasis? Maybe I just needed a break from responsibilities. It feels real good to not worry about going to class. And perhaps I'm finally on the right combo of meds.

Mental Illness Awareness Week is almost over!

I am happy to see campaigns on social media and media in general about fighting the stigma surrounding mental illness but it makes me wonder... should I step out and identify myself on this blog? Do I have the courage? Would it be helpful or worth it for others? Would it actually be bad for me? The only places where I am open about my mental illnesses is at 12 step meetings and church. I've already spoken at least twice to my whole church about my struggles. I suppose it's pretty obvious on facebook since I often post about mental health... I suppose what's stopping me the most is that this blog has details of other people and I want to respect their privacy. Oh well, just a thought.

in hindsight of my summer

I was talking about myself to someone at Bible study and I realized a few things as I said them. The beginning of my summer was pretty good this year as I was barely able but actually did finish my semester and with great marks to boot. And then I got excited to plan my wedding. Little did I know that my heart was in the wrong place to deal with that kind of significant planning. I had been spiritually weak. I wasn't really spending time with God and didn't pray much if at all about the wedding planning. I went into full perfectionist princess mode ie. bridezilla and quite self-centered. I started to notice it but I couldn't stop it myself. I tried and started hating myself instead. And that is not a good state to deal with everything the idea of getting married triggers (at least for me):

- It's a lifetime commitment and I don't have a good track record of stability in relationships
- His parents are my parents now. I'm scared because my parents were not comforting and it's another set of people possibly judging me
- His brother and sisters are my siblings too now. 2 are doctors and in general they all seem so normal and functional
- His extended family is mine too. They have large gatherings where they show so much love to each other. This feels weird for me because my family is not like that. I feel like a freak trying to fit in
- I miss my mom more. I wish she was here to meet my fiance and his family and help me plan the wedding
- No sense of identity to begin with and now I'm changing it to being married

So all these thoughts and the planning itself and hating being a princess and being confused about who I am combined and dragged me down into self-destruct mode. Finally, I understand better what happened to me to end up locked up again this year.

Hearts

Woo I just barely won a game of Hearts! It is now 3:20 am...

I'm a happy creep

Happy? Not distressed? Not anxious? Not hating myself? Actually kind of proud of myself? Happy to talk with people? A stillness or peace in my soul? WHO AM I?

I better not over-analyze it because I might ruin it that way but I've been feeling pretty good on and offish for about 2 weeks now. Certainly there are some issues these days, mostly going to bed a bit too late and spending a lot of time looking at silly/fun/interesting stuff on the internet. I might be tiring out my friends on facebook... And playing Mario Galaxy 2. I've also been playing card games on the computer, I love Spider Solitaire with 2 suits. Anyway, I know that it is a kind of precarious situation I'm in. I have TONS of free time. Which can increase laziness and I was afraid it would and maybe it has but not very badly I think. Because what I'm so happy about is mainly how it went last week when I led Bible study in Mark and starting the 12 steps again with a new sponsor in MA. I'm finally working on my spiritual life and it feels awesome. I had a great bonding time with my brother but this left me with little time to prepare to lead the discussion in Bible study later that day. I was so anxious. But once it got started it went so well. Everyone had interesting things to say and there was a good mix of joking around too. I felt it was the perfect combo of learning about God through Jesus' teachings and actions, getting to know each other and having a good time. I was useful! God used me for His glory and that's the best feeling in the world, doing what I was created to do.

Another big reason I'm happy with myself: I sometimes like to read the comments on this blog and I noticed that a few years ago I was so scared and paranoid of people that I couldn't even email someone half way across the world who was wishing me well. And that's when it hit me. I'm not paranoid of people any more and I didn't even notice it happening. This problem used to bother me a lot because as Christians we are called to be shepherds to those around us and to be a successful shepherd you have to at least like or love the sheep (meaning those around us). But I spent most of my life either being scared of people, hating everyone and everything including myself, or only seeing the dark side of human nature. In other words, I hated sheep. I wasn't looking at them properly. Now I think I am starting to get a more truthful perspective on humanity partly thanks to 12 step meetings and church/small group because they put me in situations where I talk to strangers and get to know them over time. It used to terrify me to talk to a stranger but it has usually been a blessing when I did.

Oh boy, what happened to not analyzing this too much... I admit I'm a bit worried it will abruptly end and I will crash but whatever, I'm enjoying the moment. And fall. This is my favourite season.

Oh yeah, I say I'm a happy creep because I looked through some old pictures and found 2 of my favourite nurse at the psych ward. He wasn't really allowed to but he let me take the photos so I could draw him later (I drew portraits of people in the hospital to pass the time). He told me to delete them when I was done but I didn't. And never will! MUHAHAHA. Yeah I like looking at him sometimes. He's somehow so charming and cool and chill and caring... I have good memories of chatting with him, although he did get mad at me sometimes like when I tried to hide a knife from supper to use on myself later but I dropped it and he was like "BUSTED".

Well, on that slightly less uplifting note, I will go to bed now since it's 1:33 AM and try to not stay up until several hours later like I have been lately.

OK I'm putting my foot down, on my new addiction to the internet

I made the difficult decision a month ago to take a semester off from school to seriously work on my spiritual life so that I may use God's strength and not my pitiful usual amount of strength when it comes to dealing with life. I've HAD IT. I've been hospitalized for my mental illnesses about 14 times now in 6 years. It's RIDICULOUS. I saw a new psychiatrist at the Douglas and he said I'm a severe case of BPD. And that really means something coming from a doctor working at a mental hospital. I almost feel like I won a medal or something. I'm severely sick! Finally people believe me and that my suffering is real! And also discouraged. He made it sound like my small local hospital is not equipped to deal with me and that I have not really gotten better in 6 years of treatment. I got used to my doctors telling me that I have progressed a lot and that I'm really not that bad any more. But they reminded me that I have accomplished some things.

Things to be proud of:
I moved out of my dad's house 2 years ago.
I stopped taking drugs and drinking
I am a straight A student in university
I know how to pay bills now and have stopped over-shopping for shoes and clothing
I go to MA meetings twice a week
I go to Bible study once a week and actually led the discussion this week and it was awesome.

But always the addicted one I have instead spent far too much time on facebook everyday. I'm really living like a bum. Haven't cleaned the apartment in forever, haven't showered in over a week, asking for money from dad because we've been putting off applying for welfare because we're so lazy, I have become a Minesweeper and Hearts expert...

So I am putting my foot down. By writing this post I am telling myself to get my act together. First 2 goals: return to normal sleep schedule by going to bed latest 2 am and finish forms for welfare.

Also, I got a new sponsor for AA/MA. Must do the homework she gave me by tomorrow.

a 6 week nightmare

It's been a month or almost since I got out of psych wards. That's right, plural hospitals. Locked up for 6 weeks first in my usual local hospital then in the Douglas ICU which is a mental hospital in their Intensive Care Unit. I went completely nuts. I saw all these little warning signs like mood swings and craving drugs and suicidal thoughts but I kept thinking, I don't have a reason to feel this way right now. The only thing on my plate was wedding planning. But I guess I just couldn't take it any more. I brought a knife to my psychologist appointment and at the end of the session I was like, I think I'm made out of lead and I need to cut myself to see if it's true. So I cut myself and I was planning to threaten him if he tried to stop me but he knew how to stop me. He grabbed my hand holding the knife and said, if you don't let go we can't work together any more. And he walked me to the ER which is across the street. And that's how the nightmare began. I'll write more about what happened but for now my concentration is worse since being hospitalized.

Who does Jesus love?

Would you shake someone's hand if you knew they were HIV positive? Would you want to get to know someone even if you knew they were transgendered or don't identify with one particular gender? Do you find it easy to make fun of 'trannies'? It's normal to feel confused or initially wary of something or someone novel but it's never ok to trample on another human being's rights. Adults should know better than to reject others just because they don't understand someone. I believe in Jesus and I know if He was on earth today in human form He would love to hang out with the homeless, the mentally ill, the drug addicts, the LGBT community, the disabled, the elderly, the poor, the prostitutes and anyone who has been stigmatized or forgotten by society. In fact I think as a Christian we should be praying for these individuals and the people who persecute them. As a member of some of these groups I know how unfair it is to be labelled and then seen as something less than human. The last shall be first and the first shall be last.

This was written after I heard a friend's story of being persecuted for sharing that he is gay and HIV positive and how it is a struggle. Personally, I'm not sure if it is a sin to be gay or change your gender or in other words, if doing those things block you from God. But I do know that even if they are sins, all sins are equal in God's eyes (though some have more bad consequences than others) and we are all sinners. None of us are in a position to judge another sinner. For example, when I was still using drugs 24/7 but still attended a small group from church, they truly showed me God's love by still accepting me and letting me be a part of the group. They of course did not tolerate me using drugs in their presence but they still let me be me and be equal even though I always came high. I will be forever grateful especially for the small group leader who is a mother and still let me in her house. I was in the depths of despair and they shone a light in my darkness. They showed me that I was/am more than just a mentally ill drug addict.

sober life so far

So I feel better now. The wedding planning is moving along. I thought I would reflect on how life is without drinking or using drugs. It's been over a month now. It feels pretty good. I'm just relieved that I don't have to calculate in my head before every time I drink exactly how many drinks I should have and the anxiety of knowing I would probably go over that anyway. No risk of falling and hitting my head again, no public drunken stupidness and no throwing up and hangovers. It's pretty awesome! Of course, it's the summer and Montreal is famous for beautiful terrasses to drink on so sometimes I miss it a bit but it just isn't worth the short amount of pleasure it gives compared to all the risks. And it gives me the freedom to go to AA, CA meetings on top of the MA meetings I've been going to which really lets me go deeper into the 12 step program which is an amazing program of spiritual growth and miraculous personal change. Hey maybe it will even help me be more functional with school!

I don't like having real parents

that tell me what to do. I realized this after crying and getting really down on myself after I talked with the in-laws about the wedding budget. I'm just not used to it. My dad was always in his own bubble and never told me not to do anything when growing up. I knew I could always get my way with him. My mom hated being a mom and insisted I think of her as a sister or friend and then of course she was sick with cancer for most of my life. No one told me what to do. My mom and I argued over minor things like what I was wearing but nothing like 'you have a curfew or can't go there or etc'. I don't think I ever got grounded for anything. And I could always buy what I wanted. So now I'm a princess. A Christian, metalhead, goth, addict, mentally ill princess. That combo doesn't even make any sense. How can I be materialistic and spiritual at the same time? I'm just a mix of extremes and I hate it.
Today at AA I shared that I feel like I live in a valley surrounded by snow-capped mountains. It takes just a pebble to fall and it triggers avalanches of emotions that bury me. Just because the in-laws are trying to be reasonable, I fucking hate myself all over again. I thought I got over this problem dammit.
And now I miss my mom. Another contradictory feeling. I wish she could be with me and I wonder what she would say as I planned my wedding. I wonder if she would make me more upset or be helpful. Probably both. Hating myself and missing my mom. What a poisonous combination...

cut down to size

Is what happened to my dreams for my wedding after talking to the in-laws lol (and not lol). I wanted a venue that was a bit expensive but they are right in reminding me it would be a third of the budget just to rent. But I visited the place, had the contract to sign and everything. I really was picturing having our reception there. Oh well. I think God was truly with me. My mom-in-law was literally freaking out and super-stressed. I suddenly felt some calm and didn't overreact to their arguments that we should really spend as little as possible considering we barely have enough money to live and they already pay for my fiance's rent. They're so practical. Which is good. It's just funny because my dad is not. I told him the price and he didn't freak out at all. He was just like, ok whatever you want. I guess I'm his princess but now my inner princess is coming out during the wedding planning and I don't like it. I don't want to be materialistic and self-centered. Ugh, am I just a spoiled brat?

no more alcohol for me

I'm done trying to control my drinking. I never got into any serious trouble because of it but I can't deny any more that it doesn't help me at all either. It's a depressant and only momentarily fun. Plus I know I'm an addict. Addicts generally get addicted to more than one thing and I'm no exception. I've been drinking more and more even though I tell myself it's my least favourite drug. I have to face the facts: I drink to get drunk. I like being drunk. The last time I drank I ended up watching Friends naked and laughing by myself. I always drink more than I intend to. I'm better off without it. Another major reason for stopping drinking is because I want to be helpful to others in MA, AA, etc... A lot of women newcomers came yesterday to MA and I gave them my number to be there for them. If they call and I am drinking, that would be pretty bad and I would be useless to them if not harmful. Also, as a future therapist I want to know what it's like to quit everything. Alcoholics have it harder in some ways than other drug addicts. Everyone likes to drink in our society. Just going to the dep or grocery store you can see your drug of choice right there. There's ads about drinking. All that just doesn't happen with weed or cocaine for example. I want to experience the challenge to fully sympathize. So here I go. Official sober date is May 18th 2015.

I see why wedding planning is stressful...

There's so many considerations, people to please, details to think about plus it's so easy to become a perfectionist freak that I really should have prayed before I started planning our wedding. But thankfully I remembered to before really planning much out. I got the message that I really have to be spiritually strong to get through this in one piece. I don't want to become egotistic and overly demanding. I don't want to get lost in the details and obsess over how to make it as pretty and fun as possible. What's actually important is making a commitment before God, family and friends and celebrating that together. The rest is extraneous. Now I just have to repeat that to myself over and over as I freak out over how expensive everything is...

Lol I know this is what my fiance is thinking as I look up venues that cost 10000$ just to rent.

wedding planning

Oh God I hope I don't turn into a bridezilla.

BTW who are you all?

I've noticed an uptick in pageviews here and I can't understand it. Is it just bots or spamming? Are there actually that many people reading this random stuff that doesn't relate to anyone but myself? On the off chance there is, I'd like to hear from you maybe... unless you're a troll.

Thank you for the roller-coaster mother's day

NOT. I had great cheap all-you-can-eat sushi with friends of friends and that was nice. Then on the metro this kid was crying and calling for his mom and that drove me up the wall. Then just seeing all the kids around me with their parents drove me crazy and women with flowers... I got home and refuse to leave. I can't even open my email safely today. I received news of someone's death. And of course I'm staying the hell away from facebook. Not even i can haz cheeseburger is safe, they have mother's day stuff on the front page. I went over to the neighbours to pet their incredibly friendly cat. It was even more affectionate than usual, climbing up my chest and rubbing its face against mine over and over again. So cute. I think it knew I am upset. And it tried to eat my mother's wedding ring around my neck. Somehow I think it means something but probably not. I texted some ppl but it looks like no one can hang out. I'd like to play board games to distract myself. Normally I would knit but my current project is for a future mother's future baby. Arg. I can't believe how sensitive I am today. I just keep having great times and then horrible times and great and horrible and over and over even in the same minute. I can't do anything like this. I am getting a bit scared of myself but I prayed and I know God is protecting me, even from myself. What else can I do but trust at this point.

grief hangover

I actually feel better today. Not totally recovered from Monday but still much calmer. I think I am slowly being turned right side in with my tougher wiser adult self on the outside where it should be and my fragile inner child back on the inside. I kinda feel like I have a grief hangover. Not drunk with sorrow but still worn out and kind of stunned and slow though much improved. It's weird. And is complicating deciding whether to take a summer course that started this week or not. I'm gonna wait for Friday and ask my psychologist. I just can't decide and asking God for wisdom is hard right now. Well I better try to stay on the bright side. Thank you Lord for my dreams not being from my PTSD any more and finally peaceful sleep. I even dreamt I got to meet Alexi Laiho from Children of Bodom and it was amazing. I also thank you Lord for good friends and family and the support of MA meetings and the power of prayer. I know many people prayed for me on Monday and I know it helped. And thank you Lord for protecting me from bad triggers. Please protect me from the massive trigger that is mother's day.

bleh may 4th again

I had the worst night in terms of dreams last night. I guess because it is the 11th anniversary of my mom's death today. She was in my dreams and then I dreamt I was being rejected by all my loved ones etc... they were PTSD dreams and I woke up feeling like I was turned inside out with my inner child on the outside and my adult self trapped on the inside. I couldn't sleep without a light on and dreams of corpses scared me (normally they don't but it was my biggest fear when small) and I was terrified of my mom as if she could pop up and treat me like she did when I was little. I would fall asleep again since my meds are sedative but then I would wake up terrified, fall asleep again and then wake up and again and again and again all night. And now I'm hyper sensitive emotionally and so worn out and sad and nervous and scared. I'm afraid I might have to go to the hospital but I just keep on telling myself that all I have to do is not act on my feelings and they will pass. Simple but very hard.
We went to the cemetery for the first time in years and blew bubbles in the wind for my mom. It was a beautiful afternoon. Then we went to MA and a story we read in the meeting spoke of re-parenting yourself if you had bad parents. And my SO pointed out that that probably means loving yourself. I thought I was good enough at that already since I have improved a lot but I guess I still have a while to go.

May 4th is coming up

Sigh. This time of year again where I have to avoid any triggers about moms and then of course it's mother's day soon. We've been watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and one of the characters meets their mom for the first time and it really triggered me. Today I dreamt that my mom was there and I was so happy just to see her face and she was dressed really nicely so I wanted to remember what she wore. I said, I can't fit in that size any more (I gained weight thanks to meds) and she said it doesn't matter. I know for a fact from previous experience that in real life she would have commented on my weight and maybe suggest liposuction or something so it was nice to hear. I wonder how I'm gonna handle the day she died this year. It'll be 11 years. I feel not too bad so far which is really good but who knows. I'll just keep praying and see what happens.

April was apparently something about sexual abuse month?

I think. Well, I don't really like to talk about it but I have been forced into stuff I did not want. I've been touched in places I did not want, once a man forced a kiss on me and once one of my exes basically raped me though he stopped right away when I protested. And I'm definitely not alone in all this. I think it's something like one third of women have been sexually assaulted in some way. And believe me, it does not matter how she's dressed or whether she's high or drunk. A decent man will not take advantage of the situation. But apparently there are a lot of indecent men. Why is it that men are generally gross? Don't mistake me, I think some guys are hot and I love my fiance but there are definitely gender differences. Perhaps it's evolutionary or societal, probably both. It's just strange sometimes just what men find sexy and how often they think of such things. But that's just me thinking aloud. I have forgiven (I think) those who have wronged me but it's just so unfortunate how common it is. It's really not fair for women. If I have a daughter I will worry about these things all the time!

I made it!

OMG the semester is over! Geez what a struggle it was this time around. I was planning on taking a summer course but now I'm not too sure. The devil was trying to get me down for sure. The night before my first exam our neighbours threw a huge party with people smoking up and who knows what else. At one point we were talking to some of them on our shared fire escape and one of them was rolling a joint but then they all left the room to sing happy birthday to someone. I could have easily stole a nug but my SO was with me too and he wouldn't let me. It was such a close call. Then it was 4/20 and it was very good that MA had their anniversary so we went to that instead of getting high. I am so elated right now, I'm free! But not completely. Now I have to focus on not slipping again with drugs and it's so hard...

the pressure cooker of finals

Usually I don't mind studying during finals. It's stressful sure but really not too bad as long as I start early enough. I did not start early enough due to being spiritually unhealthy and now I'm battling urges to use too. It is so tempting to go to my friendly neighbours and ask for a joint. It doesn't help that I am alone this evening too. I better tell my SO not to leave me when I'm vulnerable like this next time. I did all the studying I could for today. I'm hoping playing spider solitaire will help me now.

oops it's been awhile

School and life in general has been the usual crazy up and down and up and down and sort of medium right now-ness. First I got better as I said in my last post, then I gradually got worse and worse thanks to not keeping my spiritual life a priority. I stopped going to MA, I stopped going to church, I stopped praying and figured that I could get by just going to Bible study once in a while. I was so wrong. I had a week and a half where I couldn't get any work done or go to any classes and then when I was visiting my old dealer and his wife, I had a slip. I went to his room alone and found lines of blow just sitting there. I couldn't stop myself. I took some and got really high. Almost 3 years of sobriety gone. Gone in one moment. It felt horrible, then amazing and then horrible again since I became overcome with guilt. I told a church friend what happened and she told me to pray. It was the last thing I wanted to do but I forced myself and it was the best thing I could have done. I realized that guilt is from the devil, not God. It is used to keep us enslaved to our sinful addictions. That's why Jesus sacrificed Himself and took on our guilt. We don't have to carry it any more. We are free to choose life over sin. I am free to choose not to do more drugs and to move on with life. And that is what I have done. As part of Easter service I gave this testimony and many people came to me saying it was inspirational and how brave I was. It was actually recorded and is on the internet. Eep! Oh well, why should I be ashamed to be a drug addict? We all have our addictions.
Anyway, I now am in final exam season and it is really stressful. I have been praying everyday, going to MA and church. I now know just how badly I need Him. I've been too behind but I prayed and thanks to God one of my profs is letting me do their exam a bit later. I still don't know if I'll get through this end of semester in one piece. I have urges for drugs pretty often now and every night I dream of them but I know God is with me no matter what.

No hospital for me!!

I actually got through February without going to the psych ward!! It's a miracle! And it's all thanks to God and good friends and good Christian friends who prayed for me and even came with me to the cemetery to see my mom. Then I cooked Korean food for everyone and we played board games! But then to my shock I felt almost too horrible during my spring break. I thought I was out of the woods being ok after my mom's bday but I was wrong. It took me a week to recover emotionally from a dream I had of hanging out with her and then realizing in the dream that it's impossible and thinking I was haunted and going crazy. So I didn't exactly get to enjoy my time off but I feel ok now and managed to get a good amount of studying done.

and school is not so bad so far...

I actually have a friend in one of my classes! First time in years! I actually met her in the hospital. She has BPD too and she's really nice. We study together and she let's me take pics of her notes if I'm not there and have to take a mental health day. I find my classes really interesting so far. One is social psychology taught by a really funny prof and the other is personality psychology which is taught by my stats 2 prof. She's really nice and very clear. I had my first mid-term a couple days ago and I think it went ok. But you know that time of year is creeping up on me again and I'm starting to feel it. I really really hope I'll be ok and not end up in the hospital again for the second time this school year. I fucking hate being in there so bad. But I'm trying to be accepting of myself and the situation. I have a feeling that if I'm ok with going there, maybe I won't have to go. I'm also trying to hang out with more friends and hopefully that will help. I also have become obsessed with knitting. I hope that will help too.

Merry Christmas and happy new year!

Man the holidays were busy. I hate how that always happens and how it tends to push Christ out of our minds which is terribly ironic. But I think I did ok by trying to think of Him at least once everyday. It helped that my brother hosted a Christmas party for our church at my dad's house. It was nice to see everyone and our pastor. There was also a raclette cheese party with my fiance's family and Christmas morning presents. Then we went up to their cottage up north for 3 days. There I knitted my own cowl which is nice and warm. I also taught everyone a bit of origami and they really liked it. I also started a painting of my fiance's portrait. And I've been practising more classical guitar. I've really been taking advantage of my free time and doing all kinds of creative things I didn't have the time for when I was busy with school. We now have a friend visiting from out of town.

I am stressed though about school starting soon. I have no idea if I'm up for it or not.