slipped again

It looks like my life is slowly falling apart in front of my eyes. I know it sounds so melodramatic but that's how I truly see my reality right now. The emotional pain, depression and anxiety make everyday an epic struggle to get through. I'm only writing this so I'm too occupied to do something stupid to myself again. But I don't know how much longer I can endure this. It's gotten really bad now for about 2 weeks and each day is absolute torture. I just want relief from from the awfully negative thoughts in my head. They don't even let me sleep much anymore because they've gotten faster and more intense. Needless to say, it's gotten too hard to go to school, cook for my dad and brother and generally help out around the house. I keep slipping and feeling worse so now I'm mostly in a drug induced haze. And of course this is all driving my dad nuts because on top of everything, our cook has quit and we can't find someone else to replace her. He can't stand seeing me sitting around doing nothing and not going to school or helping him. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm lazy and don't even think of him. He said he's considering kicking me out and leaving me on welfare. I feel so bad and guilty, I'm burning him out like crazy but what can I do? He doesn't believe I'm really suffering much because he doesn't understand how someone can be mentally ill to the point of disability. And you know, maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just using this all to justify sitting around and letting other people do shit for me. Maybe I really am not trying hard enough to take responsibility for my life and become independent is all I'm trying to avoid. Which makes me feel even more guilty if it's true. This all just confirms what my mom always said to me when I was little: I'm lazy, disorganized, slow at everything and generally useless and a burden on her because she has to take care of me instead of pursue her dream career. Clearly, I am only a burden to those closest to me and honestly it's difficult for me not to think that people really would be better off if I just disappeared or ran away or something stupid like that. And I know this all sounds so childish and immature and whiny and self-pitying and ridiculously irrational but I don't know how to make it stop. I feel like I've already tried so hard to get this far and I've got nothing left. I've tried everything to escape these stupid thought patterns. I don't know what to do now. Meanwhile my dad keeps demanding to know what I want to do and that he doesn't care anymore about what we'll eat, we can starve because he can't deal with home and work life at the same time anymore. And it breaks my heart to see how much he has aged from stress from me. And at the same time I get angry with him for not understanding me at all. And I'm most of all so frustrated with myself. Doesn't it make sense to put myself in a peaceful coma or something? Is that just incredibly selfish of me? Is there no escape from my faults?? I'm just so useless to everyone right now, including God which hurts the most.
I'm really feeling the song Tuna Fish By Emiliana Torrini now...

Psalm 77

Spiritually speaking I haven't been doing very well. I kinda went into 'I'm taking a break for now' mode since I'm finally more stable and better able to relax. I felt like I needed a break from trying to improve and so I've gotten closer to my ex again and I've been taking drugs more than I said I would. But then suddenly I felt compelled to crack open my Bible the other day and I turned to Psalm 77 and it was like it was written just for me. It's just incredible to feel the Spirit speak to you and that hadn't happened to me for a while so it felt like a rush of relief. The psalmist's voice is my voice too. I've cried out to God and suffered mentally and emotionally just like he did. But then he decides to remember God's miraculous deeds of old and meditate on all His works and he ends up praising the Lord by meditating on how He guided His people to freedom from slavery in Egypt. And so, this is what I must do as well. Faith is truly needed in order to be freed from the past. You have to believe in God's all-powerful love. And I think I do and don't at the same time which is very stressful. I know I'm gonna go to heaven at some point in the future but I also tend to forget about God's omnipotence and mercy, or I'll see only one characteristic or the other. It's sooo frustrating. God's character is comprised of dichotomies: merciful and punitive, forgiving yet perfectly holy and cannot stand sin, patient yet urgently calls to our hearts, so sublime yet personal for every individual etc... And all of that drives me nuts. Because of my extreme perceptions, or 'splitting', from BPD it's super-hard to see all those dichotomies in God at the same time. I usually keep flipping from one to the other; God will seem so painfully holy and punitive for a while, and then He'll seem so merciful and even tolerant of sin. And this affects my thoughts and actions as well so I'm just stressfully confused most of the time. Intellectually I know that God is both holy and unconditionally loving through Christ but emotionally and in my heart I can only see one side or the other. What's the result? Self-sabotage. I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I want to do. Ugh. This is why I need that DBT group I guess. And why I think the borderline personality has one of the hardest times walking with the Lord out of all the personalities. Or maybe I'm just trying to give myself excuses...

back to school

I forget if I mentioned it here but I would love to have my own goth clothing store downtown. And instead of the usual upside down pentagram on the wall I'll have some sort of noticeable Christian symbol! I picture it being part of a community that's eclectic and tolerant and a place for God's love to shine to disposessed youth. But who knows, maybe God has other plans for me. In any case I've just got to keep trying at this thing called life so I'm now in fashion marketing at a college downtown. So far it's pretty awesome. Interesting classes and knowledgeable teachers. But the same troubles I had in my last year at Concordia are still with me. I sometimes get so anxious in the mornings I can't get my butt to school. The other day I ended up picking my fingers till some bled so I just barely managed to get to class late. Whatever. The DBT group is gonna start soon so that should help. It's a therapy group specifically for people with BPD and it's co-led by my psychologist. I really do need help with my extreme perceptions because they're mostly responsible for my extreme behaviour.
Having a school schedule again is stressing me out and I still need to smoke up afterwards everyday but at least there's the classes which are extremely interesting.