Psalm 77

Spiritually speaking I haven't been doing very well. I kinda went into 'I'm taking a break for now' mode since I'm finally more stable and better able to relax. I felt like I needed a break from trying to improve and so I've gotten closer to my ex again and I've been taking drugs more than I said I would. But then suddenly I felt compelled to crack open my Bible the other day and I turned to Psalm 77 and it was like it was written just for me. It's just incredible to feel the Spirit speak to you and that hadn't happened to me for a while so it felt like a rush of relief. The psalmist's voice is my voice too. I've cried out to God and suffered mentally and emotionally just like he did. But then he decides to remember God's miraculous deeds of old and meditate on all His works and he ends up praising the Lord by meditating on how He guided His people to freedom from slavery in Egypt. And so, this is what I must do as well. Faith is truly needed in order to be freed from the past. You have to believe in God's all-powerful love. And I think I do and don't at the same time which is very stressful. I know I'm gonna go to heaven at some point in the future but I also tend to forget about God's omnipotence and mercy, or I'll see only one characteristic or the other. It's sooo frustrating. God's character is comprised of dichotomies: merciful and punitive, forgiving yet perfectly holy and cannot stand sin, patient yet urgently calls to our hearts, so sublime yet personal for every individual etc... And all of that drives me nuts. Because of my extreme perceptions, or 'splitting', from BPD it's super-hard to see all those dichotomies in God at the same time. I usually keep flipping from one to the other; God will seem so painfully holy and punitive for a while, and then He'll seem so merciful and even tolerant of sin. And this affects my thoughts and actions as well so I'm just stressfully confused most of the time. Intellectually I know that God is both holy and unconditionally loving through Christ but emotionally and in my heart I can only see one side or the other. What's the result? Self-sabotage. I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I want to do. Ugh. This is why I need that DBT group I guess. And why I think the borderline personality has one of the hardest times walking with the Lord out of all the personalities. Or maybe I'm just trying to give myself excuses...