anyone can

Anyone can go out, buy crap and get high. Anyone can snort and feel good or drink and get drunk. It's nothing special. Anyone who brags about smoking up, getting buzzed or blasted out of their minds are only confirming that they are behaving like losers. So why am I stuck in it, again? Not everyone can play music, not everyone can do a nice painting, not anyone can teach others well, and yet I can and don't. I'm so scared of people, of pressure and of pain I'd rather inflict it on myself than by others. I don't know how I'm supposed to stop this time. I'm getting trapped and I'm not even sure I want to escape. Whatever, I'll still try to paint and write and tab music. All in baby steps. Meanwhile I pray to Jesus for guidance because I don't know the way forward anymore.

fell off the wagon

Well, I can at least be honest with myself and most of the people closest to me, I have slipped again. I reason that as long as I stay away from weed I can handle everything else. Was I ever really ever a real addict otherwise? Really? And so I rationalize using other things as ok. And I want to go out to pubs and bars again but my closest friends know my struggle now and don't want to drink with me so I drink alone. They are being good friends of course. I can't have things both ways. But I'm not getting the help I need anymore. The treatment centre says the group I was supposed to wait for is canceled so they could have put me in the regular phase 2 group but I already slipped and need 2 weeks sober time to enter so I'm stuck with just seeing my therapist whom I hate until I can get my act together but who knows if or when that will happen. And seeing that lady once a week is not going to help at all. I'm considering telling her that I will stop treatment completely. They won't give me a different therapist so screw it all, they can't help me anymore. We'll see what she says I guess.

power in Jesus' name

I've been praying every night before bed to have nice, benign dreams that are free from emotional torture and drug or alcohol use. I make sure to say in Jesus' name and it works! Last night I dreamt that I could speak basic french pretty decently, something I struggle with in real life since french is really needed where I live to be able to work. The other night I dreamt my cousin owned an old spookily lit house where there was a Mountain Dew vending machine and it had a moose that loved to stick its front legs and head out once in a while. Silly and harmless!

little goals for the gap

If they think it's acceptable for me to have a 1 to 2 week gap in addiction treatment then fine, I'm gonna do what I want and just stay the hell away from marijuana and alcohol. I'm going to keep myself busy with little projects and errands:
-grocery shopping for the week X
-clear off desk and set up new computer
-work on writing song
-tab Antestor's Via Dolorosa
-play guitar X
-get my hair cut and dyed X
-do some drawing for fun
-go to 3-4 AA/MA/NA meetings a week
-see a movie X
-set up tomato plants X
-make lunches for family X
-sign up for a pilates class
-listen to different Christian metal bands
-do laundry
-sign up for DBT therapy group X
-make dentist appointment X
Hopefully I can pull it all off...

Happy Father's Day from the devil

I'm definitely being attacked by demons. I've had 2 vivid using dreams just this week and then last night too and it was an awful nightmare. I dreamt that my dad got diagnosed with stomach cancer in a late stage which meant he was going to die soon. We had a funeral and memorial right away and tons of people came, mostly from the church where he is an elder. I just went through the motions of greeting people, making sure the events went smoothly but when it was over and people started leaving I started to get upset. Everybody's leaving me alone with my grief and not even saying bye so I got so distressed I screamed at the top of my lungs with all the air I could muster. It felt awful. And I said to myself, "that's it. I'm drinking." And proceeded to drink any beverage with alcohol I could find. Then I found myself playing a game of bowling except with bottles and the pins were bottles of different kinds of alcohol. I was afraid they would break but somehow they didn't. If you knock one over then it's yours to drink. When it was my turn there was only one bottle left, it was champagne, and I aimed well but it didn't reach it because of a clear plastic barrier. I got mad because there wasn't anything else left to drink and I thought to myself geez, I'm addicted.

At church they have told me that all the authority in heaven is granted to us by Jesus so, in the name of Jesus may I be protected from the enemy and get true rest in sleep! I've gotten so stressed I'm getting pimples all over my face.

deadliness

Fighting addiction is the hardest thing I've ever done. Nothing compares to the struggle, not getting my bachelor's degree, not performing in front of hundreds of people, not completing a satisfactory painting, nothing. And yet, if I lose, it all ends in tragic, premature death. It's hard to think of it that way but the deaths of 3 people I know are painful reminders. The most painful was of my good friend who I did alot of drugs with and I'm shaken that I survived and he didn't. I feel like I contributed to his demise even though he was a stubborn and heavy user. And then there's the lady I became friends with in the psych ward who said she was an alcoholic and bipolar. She told me of the husband who was divorcing her because of her drinking and her lovely daughters who came to visit her. She commited suicide a few months later. And now I just heard that the guy I thought I helped at the AA meeting by giving him a number for MA has also just died. I heard it may be suicide as well. What's crazy is that his thing was only marijuana and yet it still drove him off the edge and caused him to lose his job. I mourn for all these people. I pray that their souls will finally find peace in the Lord. And I hope they will remind me that I just can't give up, even when that's what I want most in the entire world.

rightly scared of sponsor

I knew it. I'm just too sensitive for close human interaction. On the third day of calling my temporary sponsor she already hurt and pissed me off. She's definitely wise but for me, often the truth hurts and I'm sensitive to it and her delivery is too blunt for me. I feel like she hits me over the head with the truth and I just can't take it because I'm feeling the exact same thing from my therapist and psychiatrist at the addiction centre and there's only so much I can stand. Only my psychologist seems to know how to talk to me without setting me off into extreme pain or fear. But he's already a rare find amongst professionals so how am I supposed to find someone like that in AA or MA meetings as a sponsor?! I just find all of humanity too harsh and judgmental. I need to move to a deserted island or something. This is partly why I used drugs. So I wouldn't care how people treated me. In my drug-addled mind I could pretend I was an island.

I'm so angry at the therapist and psychiatrist at the centre. My daily therapy group sessions ended today and now there will be a gap of 1 to 2 weeks where I only see the therapist I don't like once a week until I get into the relapse prevention group. To me, this is a crack in the treatment plan and I'm really scared of falling through and slipping. How is once a week from 5 times a week going to keep me on the straight and narrow?! I said this to the psychiatrist and he said "you are reacting to your fear of moving on to the next level, to something new" I said this is partly true but it's also the simple fact that I'm going to get way less support which I have been depending on to stay sober. To this he simply said to try not to be so scared. What the hell?! How is that helpful?? That's like telling me to love eating octopus (I hate the chewy texture). To which he said that's a bad example because he loves octopus. Again, not fucking helpful! What a jerk. I want a different psychiatrist there too or else I'm just going to go back to the one I have at the hospital. She's another professional who doesn't trigger my emotions too much. Anyways, I'm not even sure I want to come in and see the therapist during this gap. I hate seeing her judgmental face. She keeps saying she isn't judging but how can I believe her when it's written on her face, in her facial expressions? Perhaps I'm just being paranoid (I know I am pretty paranoid of people, especially when I'm upset) but I can't help it if I react this way to her style. I asked for a different therapist and she said they don't usually change therapists for people but that she would ask the team. That's just too slow for me. The gap in the plan started today damnit. Already this week I've had crazy intense dreams of using cocaine and waking up stressed and drained. Today I've had to fight off too many thoughts of drinking, smoking, popping, snorting crap that I ended up in a zombie state for a while, unable to move or talk except for very small movements. I don't have much energy to fight off temptation and I'm certainly not going to call my temp sponsor, too scared of what she'll say.

updated Antestor tab links

I'm not much of a whiz at internet things so this is the best I can come up with in terms of uploading stuff. I'll try to keep them active or just update again... Enjoy!

-Med Hevede Sverd:
gp5 file: http://uploading.com/files/371c84ea/Med%2BHevede%2BSverd.gp5/

pdf file: http://uploading.com/files/351138ae/Med%2BHevede%2BSverd_Antestor%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

-Old Times Cruelty:
gp5 file: http://uploading.com/files/3cadbc9d/Old%2BTimes%2BCruelty.gp5/

pdf track 1 file: http://uploading.com/files/1b2c92c7/Old_Times_Cruelty_track1%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

pdf track 2 file: http://uploading.com/files/93d95df2/Old_Times_Cruelty_track2%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

-Rites of Death:
gp5 file: http://uploading.com/files/c98dm6b9/Rites%2Bof%2BDeath%25282%2529.gp5/

pdf file: http://uploading.com/files/d4e523cb/Rites%2Bof%2BDeath_Antestor%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

-Via Dolorosa
gp5 file: http://uploading.com/files/6d472bb6/Via%2BDolorosa.gp5/

pdf file track 1: http://uploading.com/files/21maef8a/Via%2BDolorosa_Antestor%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

track 2: http://uploading.com/files/3dbf8cma/Via%2BDolorosa_Antestor_track2%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

starting again on Via Dolorosa tab

This tab seriously won't take too long in itself but I haven't been working on it at all. Been too busy trying to stay sane and sober but I will have more time soon since my daily treatment will end either this week or next. I still intend to tab the whole album in its awesomeness.

stupidly scared of sponsors

Geez. I always think I want to do the right thing and then when I try to do it, I realize I don't because I'm crazy scared. I went to a random AA meeting tonight (especially since I'd be home alone) and what I thought I wanted started happening. Two nice ladies started talking to me, took me out for coffee and spoke of the importance of being connected to the AA program through other people and having a sponsor. A sponsor being someone who you call everyday, knows how you're doing and supports you and guides you through the 12 steps to sobriety. I've been looking for one since I knew it's important to have one but it's been hard to trust people and find the right person. Finally, I figured since I liked one of the ladies and she's 8 years sober, I should ask her to be my temporary sponsor and it was a bit scary but I managed to get the words out of my mouth and she accepted. And then it hit me. I felt completely traumatized by what I just did. She asked me what was wrong and said it looked like I got hit by a truck. The look on my face was pure fear. It felt like I just jumped off a cliff. I guess it's fear of possible conflict, of commitment, of change. And I had no idea I would react like this. I just figured I want to do the right thing which is to get a sponsor to help me stay clean. I hate how unaware I can be of my own true feelings. I blame that on my BPD. Now I feel drained and tired from my tense emotional response. And of course it made me feel like drinking to numb the intensity but not that badly so I'm still sober. I hope this is what You want God. Please help me not freak out so much.

close call avoided thanks to AA + effort

I finally confronted my therapist with written points of how I felt judged by her and how I felt she dismissed my personality disorder as just an excuse to not change. It was an intense session where I was yelling at her and crying for an hour. She said sorry and that I was mis-perceiving things (of course) but I still felt like crap when the session was over. Then my dad called and said he wasn't coming home for dinner and my brother wasn't home either. So, I'm super upset and about to go to an empty home. I'm obviously going to drink or smoke up. It's a very bad situation for using. After alot of struggle and debate in my head, I decided the best thing to do was to stick around downtown and go to the AA meeting at the hospital and boy am I glad I did. The meeting itself wasn't that great, I couldn't relate to the speaker that much but the chatting afterwards was really good. People remembered me from when I was there for detox and were very encouraging and I was able to help someone out by giving a number for MA since he said his problem was marijuana too. I vented a bit about my therapist and shared a bit during the discussion time and another lady said she related alot to what I said. So I left the meeting late and felt some relief, enough that I didn't want to use anymore. I went to bed in a positive mood and my therapy group and psychologist were all happily surprised when I told them the story.

1 week, 6 days sober

I've been keeping busy: going to group therapy everyday, hanging out with good friends, went to an AA, MA and CA meeting in one week, back-breaking gardening, trying to get back into the groove of cooking for dad and bro again. Just trying to get through everyday life and errands and stuff. Finding it all a struggle because the smallest things give me stress, still paranoid of people, especially around my neighborhood and constantly feeling intense emotions about everything. Still been going to the new church and the pastor still makes a point of praying for me each time. Still says that I've been anointed by God for something special which of course is a nice thing to hear. But I still fear that one day she will abandon me and just stop caring and talking to me. I told her it's been hard (getting tons of stress from my therapist and consequently feeling even more sensitive and slightly more psychotic. Feeling bugs crawl all over me and seeing things moving back and forth almost all the time). She said when it gets hard admit that I can't do it and just ask God to help me, just surrender to Him and pray for the Holy Spirit. This echoed what the speaker said to me in a CA meeting. Don't fight the addiction because it will always win. Just stop fighting and analyzing and struggling and it will get better. It's a confounding paradox that I still don't understand since I feel like if I stop fighting I will die from relapsing.