Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Wow time flies! I've been somewhat relaxing since my semester ended and I got an A in history of psychology and an A+ in stats! What's not so great is my fiance ended up in the hospital right up till Christmas Eve and we found out he has Crohn's disease. Now we have to get used to a new diet for him and some different cooking on my part. It's kinda hard for now. As usual my year has been dramatically eventful. Just in February I was in the psych ward thanks to PTSD from my mom, then managed to get A's anyways in school, then my dad got married in Jamaica to a woman I am starting to warm up to, then we moved out with my good friend closer to downtown and then the stuff I mentioned at the top. Whew, no wonder I get worn out so easily. I'd say it was good overall, mostly because I am still clean from street drugs and feeling mentally healthier than ever before. Some days I wonder now if the name of this blog still is relevant. I'll always be a Christian metalhead but perhaps my journey through the desert is nearly over, or maybe it never really ends but turns into pretty places here and there...

happy year and a half to me!

Well it was actually 5 days ago but whatever, a year and a half of no street drugs! Part of me is like WTF and the other is like well duh, everyday is normal clean now. I hardly think of using anymore, days and weeks can go by but they do come up every once in a while but I'm able to use the logical part of me and say that it's just not a good idea. I have come so far and I don't want to throw it all away for a moment of pleasure that I can get from other healthier ways anyhow. I also have way less using dreams but when I'm stressed like I was for all my final exams, I had a very vivid using dream involving mounds of cocaine and huge rocks of crack. I could actually feel the rush but I'm just glad it wasn't real, it shook me a bit emotionally but it's still not real. I guess those are some of the changes I have noticed over the year but there's also being alot more aware, able to care about and think about others, able to do schoolwork, able to take care of myself, able to do basically everything I couldn't before. It's pretty darn great. I'm actually living now, instead of just suffering all the time and wishing I was dead. I really feel like a prisoner set free and my effort along with God's guidance and love got me out. Ah relief! I can relax again and have true fun, not self-destructive 'fun'. Maybe there should be a word for that, for having fun at great cost and with bad consequences: to fundestruct. Yeah, I'm free from fundestructing all the time. And yes, I can be silly now without being high too. I hope in the future I'll also be free from my fear of other people and be silly with anybody...

Starting the 12 steps of recovery finally

I've wanted to do this for a long time but you need a sponsor to go through the steps (first outlined in the Alcoholics Anonymous book in the 30's) which are the basis for every 12 step program like AA, NA, MA, CA, OA etc... But I'm not sure if I wrote it here before, I think I did, that I had a very bad experience with a sponsor before. When I first tried to get clean I met an outspoken lady who insisted she be my temporary sponsor and to trust her and call her if I was ever having a bad time. So I decided I would take a risk and called her when I was feeling really self-destructive. I told her I'm really feeling shitty and I just cut myself. She freaked out and was like, you're just replacing one addiction for another one etc... and she was pretty much yelling at me and putting me down for what I did. So I never called her again or went to the meeting I met her at. All she did was make me feel worse, although some of what she said was truthful, her approach was very aggressive and I don't tolerate that well at all. Some people say tough love is what's needed for people like me, the truth is quite the opposite. If anyone is 'tough' on me, I will either explode and/or never see them again. So after that, I've been wary of trusting people enough to be a sponsor for me. This fear has lasted years. Until after months of being regularly at MA I noticed a very friendly woman who has the qualifications to be a sponsor.

We've recently started step 1 which involves admitting you're powerless over marijuana and your life has become unmanageable. We use the workbook which goes into alot of detail. The first session was just answering one question: what early life experiences led you to using? That was a hard question because I opened up to her and told her details of my childhood that were very painful, mostly concerning my mom. I felt a bit emotionally triggered by that but I was happy that I could share that with her. And she was very kind and understanding. Now we've gone through more questions related to the first step. Basically, what was my using like? How did it affect my life? Am I ready to say I don't want all that anymore? I'm already clean for almost a year and a half and still going strong (most days) so hells yeah. No matter what, I don't want to ever go back to how it was. It was just too horrible and incredibly difficult to get out of. Yes we shared funny/crazy/sad/dramatic stories from our using days but that's not worth it to go back. To be honest I kinda miss my mushrooms, it always resulted in interesting experiences but I know I would get addicted to them if I tried again. And that would blow my brain to pieces.

happy bday dear friend

Today's my friend's bday. He passed away 3 years ago from addiction and mental health problems. I've talked about him here before. He was the best using buddy possible. He wouldn't give me the number to his heroin dealer and he protected me from violent fellow users. He was so kind and generous. Today I went to his grave with his parents and reminisced about him. It was sad but nice too. I miss him greatly at this time of year. It's just so tragic that he passed away from the same problems that almost killed me, but here I am, getting better and he didn't. But I had that dream about him recently that he came back to tell us what it's like on the other side and he looked so well and happy. Better than I have ever seen him while alive. I know he's in heaven now, spending forever in God's loving presence. Happy bday dear friend!

no more Frank! :(

Ugh Frank the cat disappeared! I was always afraid of this day. She was the friendliest neighbourhood cat. She was like a dog. Such a people cat. She would come visit almost everyday and loved having the top of her butt patted. I miss her already. She would always brighten my day with her cute presence. When I was still an active drug addict she would smell me smoking up on the porch and come by and come in and relax with me. When I smoked so much weed I couldn't move, she would sit by me patiently. I'll always be grateful for that. She was there when I needed her most. I hope she's been taken by the neighbour who moved away and not dead somewhere. I love you Frank!

Proud and thankful, not ashamed

I've said it before here but struggled with it. Why should one be judged and looked down on for having mental illness? As if it reflects on our character? And yet, I've been very afraid of judgement and hated it if anyone in my family said anything hinting at my struggles to anyone else. And I didn't tell any acquaintances of my struggles, only close friends and family. Well, today I just told a bunch of complete strangers I have never met or will meet with my full name and everything. I got a scholarship (!) and you have to write a thank you letter to the donors. I decided to really show my gratitude, I would write this:

Thank you so much for your donations! I’ve never been chosen as a recipient for something like this before and it means a lot to me. To show how much I appreciate being recognized for my hard work, I am letting you know something very personal. I have a difficult past, which made school very hard for me, and for a period of time I couldn’t do any school because I had become mentally ill and a drug addict. It was hell on earth and I had no future except in institutions. I had given up on all hope but some small part of me started to try to get better and with the help of my Higher Power I got clean, got the right meds and went back to school. It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do and, I think, will ever have to do. I suffered so much but through that suffering I found purpose for my life. While living with others who were even more mentally ill than I in hospitals, I decided I wanted to be a psychologist to help and love these people. That’s why I’m in the specialization in psychology now and although it will take quite a few years, I intend to go all the way to a PhD in psychology to work in hospitals for those who really need it.

            I am now thankful for what I went through. It made me who I am and has given me considerable experience that I will need as a clinical psychologist. Receiving this scholarship is proof to me that I have come a long way and that I’m on the right path to helping others. Thank you for helping me along that path with your contributions!

Eeek! I'm kinda scared what they will think but you know what? I am proud and thankful for my past, not ashamed anymore. I will walk my talk and be more open about what has happened to me. There's no justifiable shame in having mental illness!

wow meds are important

I feel so much restless energy it's driving me crazy and I feel emotionally inside out, everything is felt so intensely it hurts. Very much as I felt while going in and out of the psych ward over and over again. And I laughed and cried at the same time hysterically at absolutely nothing. I feel like jumping out of my own skin. And I can't concentrate on anything or go to school. All this because I forgot to take my meds last night. Seroquel really does work for me in the sense that it stabilizes me emotionally, though it makes it hard to wake up in the morning. Man I hate it when I forget to take it! Taking a half dose now and hopefully I'll get through the day.

oh yeah the walk

It went really well! Finally I raised 635$ and the walk itself was alot of fun! Alot of friends came along with me and we all had a good time for a good cause.

I was the speaker today!

Today was my first time being the speaker at the Marijuana Anonymous meeting today! I was so nervous the whole week I was asked to do it and during the whole time I spoke but I think it went well. I only had 20 minutes and honestly that is not enough time for my crazy story so I had to leave out alot of things. But I spoke a bit about my mom and how she treated me when I was young and how she had cancer for 10 years and then passed away. Then I talked about my first experience with weed and how I started to like it while with an ex who became a pothead. Then I mentioned the quarter life crisis where you know you are graduating from school and don't know what to do next and how that triggered my BPD to be even worse and then the nightmare of using so many drugs all the time constantly, then ending up in the psych ward, then using again and over and over again going back and forth between the two. And the trauma of being in a psych ward, losing your freedom and being constantly watched and being restrained on a bed so many times. Then realizing I needed to go to rehab and accepting that I am an addict and learning to deal with my emotions positively and taking care of myself instead of self-destructing. And finally practicing what I learned and getting better and going to school and having hope for the future as a psychologist to help people like myself. Knowing that God saved my life repeatedly and wants me to help and love others. Now I have to work on not being so scared of people. Can't be a psychologist and love others if I'm scared of them!

walk tomorrow!

I had a good day. I had it all to myself. Woke up late, had a shower, cut my nails, practised some singing and guitar, did a little homework, had small meals and pizza for dinner and watched a good movie with my roommates. And now pleasantly tipsy but not overboard. Today's been a good simple day. Tomorrow morning will be the walk for mental health. I thought of making a sign saying 'any illness deserves treatment, not judgment.' But I was too lazy today, and a bit afraid of possibly bringing attention to myself. Maybe next year. I raised 625$ for the cause of mental health yay!

Thanksgiving

Here in Canada Thanksgiving was this past weekend and overall I had a good time but with a few bumps along the way. For Friday night to Sunday me and my fiance went to his family's cottage in Mt.Tremblant which is a very pretty and mountainous area where skiing is popular in the winter and watching the leaves change colour is the other amazing thing to do there in the fall. It was a beautiful weekend and the food was amazing thanks to my fiance's mother's cooking skills. The only not so great thing was that I had a midterm on Tuesday on 44 different philosophers and their work which is nuts so I had to study alot of the time. Then we had Thanksgiving dinner again at my dad's house on Monday with his wife, her friend and friend's niece and my brother and his friend and my dad. I felt like it went well on the surface but there were weird moments that I picked up and some rather unpleasant moments too. First of all I do not like this friend of my step-mom's, she pissed me off alot the last couple times I saw her because she talked to me like she was a close friend (I only just met her) and therefore talked about my mom in very personal terms. It was very invasive and then she has the nerve to ask "you must miss your mom huh?" Who does that? So I was not happy to see her but her daughter just committed suicide and my parents wanted to comfort her. Her niece seemed nice on the surface but I could feel her doing that very korean thing where I could see in her eyes that she was sizing me up; "is she prettier than me? is she skinnier than me? better than me?" I could almost hear these words coming from her brain. And I don't like people judging and comparing me to others. Then she bragged about herself to my brother's friend and it seemed like she had a thing for him or just wanted to impress men. They also played their favourite music from the 70's in Korea and it is of course the same music my mom loved to listen to. It triggered my PTSD a bit with emotions coming up but I kept it together. Then on the way back home, my step-mom and friend and niece all started gossiping about a lady at church, saying her legs are 3 times as large as the niece's and that she's gotten even fatter in the past few months. I found this repulsive and hypocritical of them since I know at least my step-mom hates it when people gossip at church. Why does image and weight have to be so important to korean women? I guess it's not just korean women but it somehow seems to be a degree worse with them. I know people who are overweight and I would never put them down for it. Everybody's just different. And that's what korean people seem to have a hard time accepting. And of course it makes me want to lose weight before I ever go back to visit Korea. And to end it all my dad says goodbye by saying "you guys should exercise, you seem to be gaining weight". So, not the best Thanksgiving at least on that day.

Heaven and hell

I had a crazy, spiritually significant dream last night. I suddenly became a part of a group of people talking with a girl who died and came back to visit and talk about her experience. But I didn't know her or anybody else in the group so I decided to introduce myself and mentioned I'm in school. The girl said she's trying to get in to a sort of school but it's really hard to get in. I asked, what's it like being dead? She said, well, people randomly rape you and shit and pee on you and all sorts of terrible, perverted things. There's a way to escape but you have to find an access number to the school to get in, then when you graduate you can go somewhere else. It's really hard to get in because the access number is hard to find and everybody wants to find it. I was shocked, thought about it and then realized, she's in hell! I freaked out and said, you're in hell! You don't seem like a bad person, did you reject God or Jesus? The difference between heaven and hell is not the difference between pleasure and pain, it's being in God's presence or being without His presence. Please accept His love!
Then the scene changed completely and I knew I was in a group of people again, this time waiting for my friend who died from a drug overdose in real life to come back and tell us how he is. He showed up looking very well and chatted with us for a long time. I hate that I can't remember what he was saying, only that he looked calm and able to talk well which are two things he never could do when he was alive. Then I asked him the same question, what's it like being dead? feeling worried that he might be suffering like the girl. He said, it's been the best experience of my life. He looked so happy when he said this, and I knew he must live in heaven now. I was so happy to see him again and then I woke up.
I wonder what this dream meant. For sure my friend is in heaven now, I know this. But I wonder about the rest of the dream. Is hell really as she described? Is there an incredibly difficult way to get out of hell through a form of school? This would help to answer one of those theological dilemmas I've sometimes wondered about. If hell is the absence of God's presence, how does it exist? Everything needs God's touch to exist and He knows everything including what goes on in hell so doesn't that mean He does have a presence there? Well if there is a kind of school which is a way to get out of hell, then I guess that is God's presence in hell but clearly the people in hell do not have access to His presence generally speaking so they suffer and continue to sin against each other. Anyways, crazy dream huh?

So jealous (never saying jelly)

My brain has been obsessed with one thing mostly these days: being jealous of others. Constantly. It's really annoying. At first I just went along with it, totally believing myself. The most common one is, aw that girl is skinnier and/or prettier than me. Then there's others like, that person seems so much more sociable than me, more confident than me, seems smarter than me, more mentally stable than me, stronger than me, has more friends etc... And then there's facebook. It can get pretty bad with my newsfeed. Oh that person travels so much more than me, they already own a house and they're my age, they are so successful in the arts and I'm not, I hate that this person raised way more money than me for a cause, I hate how happy you look, I hate your awesome job and the negative thoughts go on and on. It was really bringing me down. Then I saw someone with stubs for legs on a wheelchair. And I realized how stupid all the negative chatter in my head is. Other people have it way worse and not just way better than me. And I have so much to be thankful for, I have been showered blesssings from the Lord. I know I am not ugly, I have all my limbs and I'm not overweight, I have friends, I am a strong person for getting through the things I've been through, I have good family who support me in many ways including financially, I'm sober and I'm able to do school etc... Now the trick is to get all these good things to sink in somehow so I stop being jealous. I know I have it better than alot of people and yet the lies about how I have it worse than others continue. I guess it's something that takes time to change. I think it has started to at least.

Montreal walks for mental health

Although I always feel like an outsider, I have decided to push myself to get more involved in community and join the Montreal walks for mental health. It's just such a good cause and I figure instead of always bitching about the mental health system sucking so much, I could also do something about it. So yeah it's gonna be a walk around the main downtown area of Montreal on October 20th at 11am and I'm raising donations for it. My goal is 500$ and I'm at 390$ so far! I like my anonymity so you can't donate directly through me but if you still want to help out, you can donate on the main website of the walk at http://mtlmarche.com/en/
I find doing this makes me feel pumped up with positive energy, it helps with my mental health and staying away from self-destructive urges. Yay!

The best you can do is the best you can do

was basically the message I got from my psychologist this week. I told him how stressful the whole asthma thing was, how it screwed up my going back to school with meds giving me panic attacks and feeling pressure to perform and get top grades to get into grad school eventually, and on top of everything being forced to quit smoking cigarettes because of the asthma. Also been bothered about what my fiance will do in the future and feeling busy with so many things to do and already assignments are due and quizzes coming up. I feel like I'm being pushed to the limit with no breaks and you know what that means. Queue the self-destructive thoughts of taking all my meds at once or trying to buy cocaine. But my psychologist is right, all I can do is my best, cut down on unnecessary activities and things will work out. There's no need to be more than I am or do more than I can do because otherwise I would run myself into the ground and that won't do anyone any good. Just take one thing at a time, do my best with them and that will be enough. Sounds simple but I'm not quite used to thinking this way yet. It's especially hard to think this way if you are a perfectionist or expect alot from yourself. I used to do just that with myself most of my life but thanks to therapy, I'm getting better at accepting myself and trusting that things will work out as long as I do my best and stay obstinate with what I want.

freaking out this semester

It seems harder to get into the groove of school this semester compared to last year but maybe I'm just remembering wrong and it was always hard. Or maybe it's because of missing the whole second week of school thanks to hospitalizing asthma. I take meds now that give me heart palpitations so if I feel nervous about something at the same time, it feels like I'm having a panic attack. That's what happened this Monday, my first day back after being in the hospital. I managed to get to class but everything was making me more emotional. This girl in front of me was yapping it up with the people around her and I felt jealous that I couldn't be as social and talkative and then she started talking about her mom and I felt like I was getting driven crazy inside. I kept saying in my head, stop talking about your mom! And luckily the teacher came in and I was able to focus on what she said after that. I think that incident is something of a bad sign. I figured since I've forgiven my mom, I don't have PTSD anymore but it looks like I could be wrong. Which means I could still have a really hard time in the spring when it's her bday and day of passing. I need to talk to my psychologist about this. Right now I'm freaking out again. We have an assignment due in a week and it has to be exactly the way APA formatting wants it. Which means lots of random details have to be just so and my brain is stressing over it all in fast-forward fashion...

World Suicide Prevention Day (was yesterday oops)

Thanks to facebook I got reminded of an important day which just passed. We have a long way to go towards preventing suicide, fighting the stigma against it and recognizing it as a symptom of mental illness (in 90% of cases). Actually, someone I know is gonna run a marathon for suicide prevention. When I found out, I felt more respect for her and thought I should tell her why. I told her, I think it's a wonderful cause to run for and that I attempted suicide myself 7 times over 4 years. Unexpectedly I felt tears well up in my eyes and there was an awkward moment since we don't know each other very well. Sigh, I guess I still get haunted by my past and any time I get emotional in a negative way, old habits like to sneak up on me. Like these past few days. I caught a cold, which is going away, but it also triggered my asthma and my pump stopped working so I know well what that means, I have to go to the ER. Usually I get seen right away and they give me a Ventolin mask and after a few hours to a day, I can breathe again and I'm on my way home. NOT this time. I went to the hospital, they just said here's a prescription for another pump, go home after making me wait over 2 hours for a breathing problem. I started crying while waiting because I felt like they had forgotten me but I couldn't say anything because I was afraid they would say something hurtful, like in the past when I was in the ER continually for mental illness problems. I've had nurses yell at me, orderlies see me and say oh not her again, I've overheard paramedics say I have 'female' problems, even doctors have said to me you just want attention, go home or to a crisis center. How callous and cynical do you have to be to say such things to someone who is suicidal? Yes I need attention because I'm not safe from myself anymore! I can't control the urges to hurt or kill myself and that's when I need a hospital, not just staying home or at a crisis center. They would have sent me to the hospital if I went there anyways. So needless to say, I was traumatized from being in the ER again and remembering all this. But my breathing didn't get any better so I had to go to the hospital again but this time I went to a different one. I got treated better but they still didn't give me a mask and just gave me more pumps and pills and told me to go home. It is now the next day and my breathing is still not any better but not any worse either and I don't know what to do. I am so emotionally drained from being in hospitals, remembering traumatizing memories, that I'm starting to get suicidal thoughts again. Or at least self-harm. Doesn't that sound so weak? Just because I'm having a hard time with my asthma I wanna die? Well that's an overly simplistic view. I have BPD which means I'm very sensitive emotionally, and can only stand so much in terms of stress. Eventually I can't stand it anymore, I break down and I search for ways to escape the stress. That means I start thinking about escaping with drugs, hurting myself and trying to get into a coma or worse. With therapy I can see that there are other ways to deal with stress but when it's really bad and nothing else works, I get more and more tempted by self-destruction. So now I'm battling on two fronts, my physical health and my mental health. God please make it stop!

school started

eeek! I haven't been sleeping well due to stress from school starting. I'd sleep and dream for a couple hours, then wake up, then dream again and wake up etc... I'm not sure I'm in the right state of mind. I still feel vacational and stupid. Not good because I have a very philosophical class on the history of psychology and stats. Oh Lord, put me in the right state of mind, conducive for school!
On a completely different note, but not totally unrelated, here is something that illustrates hilariously the horrible life I used to lead. It would be impossible to do school on a seaweed diet. I'm thankful everyday to God that I am functional again and can wake up, feel ok, go to school and do what I have to do everyday! Well almost. I still have the occasional off day but that's ok too. My various mental illnesses appear to be manageable finally.

comparing illnesses

This is something people generally shouldn't do. Can you really say that cancer is worse than diabetes but not as bad as schizophrenia or whatever? Every illness has its downside and not-so-bad side and anyone with any illness suffers. Can you compare someone's suffering to anyone else's? Just because it looks one way from the outside doesn't mean it really is that way. Different people suffer in different ways, some are more sensitive than others too. And yet, for mental health professionals they can not follow this wisdom. Why? Because the system can only help so many people so they constantly have to judge and compare, who needs help more than others? Who needs the most treatment? Who is most in danger from their mental illness? I know it must be done, but at the same time I hate it. I can feel my mental health professionals comparing me all the time to others who are more 'severe', and that usually means someone with schizophrenia. If you say you are hearing voices and seeing things that aren't there, you get service immediately. But if you have a more muddled diagnosis, or still have a grip on reality they tell you to just bear with it. It's not fair. We shouldn't be judged by what diagnosis we have but by how much we are suffering. Someone with severe anxiety has as little functioning as someone with schizophrenia. They can't step out of the house. That means they need help just as much. But I guess it also depends on which hospital you go to around here. And that's also not fair. There's no one to tell you which hospital is better to go to so it's pretty much random how much service you will get, no matter how bad you're feeling. I feel gypped. The hospital near my old house is shit. I was certainly not the worst off mental health wise but I was still very severe. And yet, my psychologist would say things like, well at least you don't have schizophrenia. Uh hello, I'm suffering like crazy! I need more help and that's all you can say?! I'd rather have schizophrenia if that would make you take me more seriously. I mean, how much worse can you be when you try to kill yourself every 3 months, do self-harm very often and are constantly at risk of overdosing because of being addicted to so many drugs? I was in the ER at least 10 times in 4 years. And all I got offered was a psychologist once a week and a psychiatrist once every 2 months or so. Fuck the system and fuck the hospital I go to. I already felt like an outsider all my life, now I'm even an outsider in the mental health system.

less using dreams!

Yay there's been less using dreams these days! In fact, none for the past couple days. Feels good to wake up and not think about how I used whatever drugs in the night in my head. I always wonder, what contributes to me having or not having such dreams? Am I less stressed out or something? Is it just random? In fact, I dreamt last night that I was talking to someone about the importance of nurturing a spiritual life to stay sober. So, maybe the trick is to keep in mind more the effort and importance of living a sober life? Maybe I should make sure I thank God for feeling well every night before bed which is what I did last night so it gives the devil less room to tempt me in my dreams. I also had a relaxing day yesterday so I'm sure that helped. I just took a nap, did some dishes, helped my roommate with supper which was delicious and watched Adventure Time. Ha, maybe the trick is to watch silly cartoons before bed...

settling in

I never thought I would take such a huge change so well! I'm sure being sober has a big role in that. I wake up feeling normal most days and I thank God everyday for that. Especially in a new apartment next to a busy street. It's so much better than what I got used to while in utter hell. I woke up craving drugs and feeling depressed and so suicidal for years and years. And you can read all about that here in older posts. I don't look at them myself, it's like a horrible nightmare and I just don't want to think about it anymore. Sometimes it comes up though, and I remember the worst moments in the psych ward, being strapped down to a bed, completely out of my mind and freaking out with nurses injecting me with whatever so I would calm down. Sometimes I can't believe it happened, and more than once. My reality now is as different from that as night and day. I still struggle sometimes but nothing so bad that I have to go to the hospital. I'm hoping this past February will be the last time I go there but you never know I guess. This morning I feel pretty good but a bit shaken. I had several vivid using dreams. In one, a friend gave me heroin in putty form and you rub it into your skin (which is totally silly) and I could actually feel the effect. It was calming and very pleasurable. I kept asking for more. In another, I was in an amusement park ride and a friend was in there with me and offered me cocaine. I was like hell yeah but when I looked in the bag, it was mixed with tiny jewels. I was like, I don't want jewels up my nose! So, I took the powder at the bottom of the bag and snorted that. I could feel the rush but it wasn't as strong as it would be in real life because it was cut too much. I've been dreaming alot of cocaine lately and it's starting to seep into waking life in the form of some cravings. But all I have to do is remember those bad times brought on by cocaine use and the cravings usually go away. Also, maybe it means I have to pray more to God, I could always use more of that. And remember what my psychologist said, that people who use cocaine are afraid of something, that's why they use. Am I afraid of something? Maybe afraid of school starting, afraid that this new happiness will not last, afraid that I won't budget my money properly...

a different point of view of koreans

Having Korean blood and family seemed to almost be a curse to me for most of my life. I got forced into Korean church in my childhood, and Korean language school, and was treated as an outsider freak because I couldn't speak Korean nor did I act like a typical Korean girl. Every time I visited Korea I would love the shopping and the food and the karaoke but I hated everything else. I hated the way people judge each other all the time, how everyone's so shallow, how I'm considered fat and ugly there because I haven't had plastic surgery... To me, the typical Korean is very conformist, perfectionist, snobby and compares themselves to everyone else all the time. They're constantly sizing you up to see if they're better than you or not. Of course, I know these are only the negative things about Korean society these days, people can be generous and have tighter knit groups of people than here. There's more of a sense of community. But that still didn't make up for all the bad stuff I saw. Then I realized today that instead of hating on them, I should be more sympathetic. Why? Picture yourself being the typical Korean I described. You would be incredibly depressed and self-loathing. There will always be someone better than you and you are depending on people outside you to determine your self-worth. It's like being an athlete who won silver, you may be high-performing, but there's always someone better than you and it's upsetting. Look at Olympic podium pictures, you'll see that the silver winner is often unhappy, the bronze one is just happy to be there and obviously the gold winner is happy too. But what if life to you was a constant competition? You could never always win gold so you can never be content. What a horrible life to live, and I'm sure I'm right because South Korea's suicide rate is second in the world, even higher than Japan's. So I was in a bit of a shock after this realization. I think it happened in part because of the incident with my aunt. She is the most typical Korean I have yet met, and I found out she secretly takes psychiatric tranquilizers. Clearly, she's not a happy person. 

I'm so used to hating on Koreans and now I realize they are the most in need of God's love and psychological help which happens to be the way I want to make the world a better place. Weird. It's like finding out my enemy is in fact a victim who needs my help in the future when I'm ready. Am I supposed to work as a psychologist in Korea perhaps? Wow that would be sooo hard...

officially moved out for the first time!

My computer's set up,we got internet and we're almost unpacked and generally set up. Woo! It's my first apartment and its with my fiance and a good friend. It's definitely been stressful, running around endlessly shopping for things we need and getting used to the higher noise level. We live on a pretty busy street close to downtown but not actually downtown which is nice because it would feel even more hectic than it already feels around here. But overall, I'm happy about it and it's working out well so far. I think we're all pretty happy about it and that's good. I thought I might have more trouble getting used to it but I feel ok. As we speak, my dad's new wife is moving into my old house and my brother is taking my old room. I can't believe how much change has and is happening. And I'm taking it well! It makes me glad I'm clean. If I wasn't, I know I would be overwhelmed and my roommates would not be happy knowing I would have all kinds of drugs stashed in my room. No longer having destructive habits makes for good co-living. I've had a few depressive moments but nothing I can't handle. Well, I guess I'll be busy getting the apartment fully ready. Still have to clean the floors, I wear shoes everywhere which is getting annoying. Still have cleaning to do in general, take care of paperwork and such.

visiting family in new brunswick (a slip)

It was great for my fiance to meet my grandparents finally, I think they liked him. My grandma was like, oh he's handsome! And it was great to meet my friend who moved there for the summer. We went to tasty pubs with blueberry beer, went to pretty beaches and just had a really good time overall. The not so great part was that we had to stay at my aunts as usual and she was even more irritating this time. She's the most shallow, selfish bitch I have ever known. She takes being annoyingly korean to a whole new level. Her status and how she is seen by others is all that matters to her. And of course that her children out-compete me and my brother in looks and future careers. Luckily her kids, my cousins, are super laid-back and don't care or think like my aunt does. But there she goes, first thing she says to me when I come in the door, "oh you gained weight! But it looks good on you." I actually lost weight but I still have a tiny belly and she's hoping it gets bigger by bugging me about it. I know this sounds paranoid but after all the behaviour I've seen in her, and the fact that my dad agrees with me about her, I know why she's always staring at my clothing and my waist, she's analyzing how I dress and look and comparing me to my cousin and herself. Granted, she does alot for us when we stay over, but it's only because she would look bad if she didn't and she gets bitter about it easily, and let's us know we should be thanking and praising her up the wall for it.
Maybe it was because she stressed me out, or the upcoming moving, but I got super cravings for any mind-altering substance that wasn't alcohol. It was really scary actually, it became an uncontrollable obsession and my mind couldn't think of anything else. I had to get something and it was the only thing that mattered. I couldn't think of consequences or whether it was a good idea. I decided to look around the house since my uncle's a family doctor and finally went into my aunt's bedroom bathroom, opened her drawers and scored big-time. She had large quantities of Ativan and clonazepam, both are tranquilizers. I stole some, put them in a bag and said to myself, I'll just have one or two a day and it can last me a couple weeks of occasional fun. Boy was I wrong. I took 5 or 6 that day and then thought it would be fun to mix with alcohol (you never mix meds like that with alcohol). I just couldn't think straight or logically. The only thing I could think is how to get more high and that was priority number 1. I can't describe how trapped my mind was, there was only one thing that mattered and I couldn't snap out of it. I ended up throwing up and my fiance noticed how I was acting different and he threw the rest out while I was sleeping. I was mad at him but after a few days I was able to think more normally again and I realize he may have saved my life by taking them away. I've been feeling embarrassed, depressed and guilty ever since but also vengeful in a way. I know now my aunt takes psychiatric meds and obviously takes them for a reason, probably anxiety. Ha! I found out her secret and stole from her! She was extremely nosy about the meds I was taking a while back so there. Still obviously I shouldn't have done that. Now I have to recover and use other ways to deal with stress. I'm still having cravings though, I searched my room in case there were any drugs I missed before. Ugh. I'm just gonna try to stay busy with the moving and treat myself carefully and take care of myself. I learned my lesson at least for now, I can't control my addiction so I have to stay away from certain things. I can't have just a little like some others can.

Blueberry beer with actual blueberries floating inside.

moving and silliness

Well, the storm has officially hit me. My dad is now remarried and we have to move things and throw things out to make room for the new wife, my new stepmom. Wow, that's so weird, I'm still not used to it. She seems nice enough, maybe a little bossy but well-intentioned. I can see why my dad chose her. She's sexier than I am and I'm in my 20s and she's in her 50s. Anyways, I'm also packing to move out for the first time, with my fiance and a good friend. I'm excited but a little worried that we might fight about chores or something. We're all a bit lazy and disorganized! I pray that it will all work out. I don't know if it's from stress from all these things but I've been having lots of dreams where the only thing I want is drugs. Using dreams don't bother me as much anymore but there's so many of them that I'm starting to get annoyed. I'm just thankful that in real life I don't want to be high anymore.
I guess for reminiscing sake, here are some memes I found hilarious while high, and still find funny sober. Most are from Reddit.

Ah the alien guy from the so-called History Channel. He really likes to talk with his hands! As demonstrated below as well.

I love 10 guy memes. I don't really look at them anymore, just to be safe that it doesn't bring up old habits. If you don't know, these memes are based on what's said by really stoned people. This one really made me laugh, seeing as I am an artist. I wish it was like printing!

So true but still expensive.

I don't remember if I actually did this while high since I was high, but I remember wanting to do this very badly. I had the munchies all the time. Gained at least 10 pounds.

eeeeeee!

This is just so awesome.

So is this.

Yes I'm bored. I'm also stressed because I just drastically changed my haircut. I have bangs now. I like it but I don't know if I can maintain them... Well, if I get a bad hair day, I'll just look at this!

complacency is sooo bad

These days my fiance and I have just been downright lazy as hell. Get up well past noon, watch TV, maybe see a friend and watch more TV together and that's pretty much it. I figured it's like the calm before the storm. My dad's away in Jamaica getting married and in August we will be moving out with a friend. It's ok to have a calm downtime, but not when it lasts a few weeks and you don't go to church or any 12 step meeting or even sit down and have alone time with God for that whole period. I started feeling spiritually sick so today I finally prayed and meditated and I feel so much better. But there were other consequences as well of our complacency. We didn't spend much time with some loved ones, I started feeling depressed and lethargic and afraid I would slip into clinical depression again, I got more using dreams and more cravings for weed and cocaine and we drank more that led to feeling more down the next day so we got grumpy and had arguments and a particularly emotional confrontation between my fiance and my brother. I had a good talk with my little brother, mentioned how I have forgiven people and they're on good terms now. Anyways, my point is being complacent is bad for your soul. We're in constant battle against evil forces within and outside us and doing nothing only leaves more room for destructive impulses.
So yeah, going to try to be more productive now...

I do forgive

I always knew from the Bible that forgiveness frees you when you do the forgiving, but it's something else to actually experience it. I'm 100% sure now that I have forgiven my mom. How? Because I feel so much more free! I feel free from the intensely poisonous anger I had against her, free from guilt associated with the anger and the past and free from the voices in my head that were her negative voice, putting me down all the time and driving me to self-destruction. I wasn't sure this would even happen, I thought maybe it would happen in 10 years but praise God it has happened this summer. I feel free from being traumatized by the past, unable to process it in any terms but anger. It's like I was stuck in the moment when someone bumps into you in the street, your initial reaction is an angry 'Hey!' but later you cool down and figure they were in a hurry or just didn't see you and you move on. Now I'm in the latter phase, cooled down, processing what happened and moving on. If it wasn't for God's intervention with the dream with my mom, I'm sure it would have taken 10 years more. I always knew from the Bible that we must forgive others as He has forgiven us but it was so hard and seemingly impossible. But with God, nothing's impossible! I feel really sorry for those people out there who hold grudges forever and hate forgiving people...
What's even more surprising is that it has spread to other people in my life that have hurt me or abandoned me in times of great need. I'm no longer angry at old friends who decided to stop hanging out with me or people who felt my problems were too great and stopped seeing me, or people who have said insensitive things to me. I certainly don't feel like I looove them but I do wish them well, and that's it. What a relief it is to be less bitter!
Also, I think this has helped my PTSD alot. Like I said, I don't feel quite so traumatized anymore. Things that remind me of my mom don't drive me crazy, only sad. My necklace of her wedding ring doesn't feel like it burns me anymore so now I can wear it again. It also boosts my notion that I probably won't cut myself anymore so I'm gonna get a tattoo over my scars with my mom's favorite flowers and my own in an Art Nouveau style around my lower arm and wrist. Here's a source photo for the tattoo.

Craziest (in a good way) summer!

Wow so much has happened I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll go chronologically. First thing, I got straight A's in my first year back in school in psychology! I didn't think I'd even finish at one point since I had to catch up so much from being in the psych ward and missing so much school.
Second thing, I'm engaged! Crazy right? But I prayed about it and I think God means for us to be together. We work so well together and we support each other with each others mental illnesses. I think we're a really good match and it's a miracle that we met when we were both not doing very well. He's seen me at my worst moments, being suicidal and doing coke in front of him and he still loves me. That's really saying something. I didn't even love myself.
Third thing, I celebrated a whole year clean from street drugs at Marijuana Anonymous this past Monday! I still can't believe it! I didn't think I could do it but here I am! Life is so much better sober which is something I could not imagine in my wildest dreams before. It is such a hard road to get sober but I know God has been with me the whole way and has freed me from the prison of addiction. I still have to always be on guard  against it but it is just not a part of my life anymore since I rarely get cravings. It still happens once in a while, like when I tried to quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey I had super cravings for crack and cocaine just a few weeks ago but now I'm trying to taper off instead. I had a cake and gave a speech at the meeting and people said they were inspired by me which is super nice. I'm sure my personal story could be a book one day, maybe even a movie since it's so dramatic.
Fourth thing, my dad is getting remarried this month! eek! To a lady I'm not crazy about but she is nice. She'll move in soon which will be a big change. We haven't had a boss of the house since my mom died so I wait in trepidation of how it will be. Which leads to the fifth thing, I'm moving out in August with my fiance and a good friend closer to downtown. It's exciting but scary since I've never moved out before. For the first time I'll be an adult practically speaking.
I feel like life is moving lightning fast since I'm not using anymore. I guess God thinks I'm ready to move on and become the person He wants me to be. I'm feeling good these days, I don't really get overwhelmed by my emotions anymore which is incredible, thanks be to God!

New diagnosis

My psychologist went to a conference on BPD and told me that 53% of people with BPD also suffer from PTSD and he thinks I do too when it comes to my mom and moms in general. This explains a lot and I think he's right. That's why I have such a hard time when it comes to dates that have to do with my mom and mother's day. If I see anything emotional that has to do with moms I feel like I'm getting hit with a hammer and it saps my energy. If I have dreams with my mom, whether pleasant or nightmarish, it gets really hard to do anything the next day. It also explains why I haven't moved on from her death 9 years ago, I'm still traumatized from everything she did and her actual death. Geez, that adds up to 4 mental illnesses I have: BPD, PTSD, addiction and depression. At least two of those are a lot better now. It's been 11 months no street drugs and I generally don't feel very depressed anymore.

I forgive her..?

I meant to write about this a while ago. On the last night of my stay at the psych ward (the most recent stay), I got an important prayer answered. While feeling really crappy before I ended up in there the last time, I prayed to God desperately, please let me meet my mom somehow so that we can talk about what happened between us, then maybe I'll feel better. That's because I've been kicking myself ever since I realized I could have had my chance to have this talk when she told me before she died that she was sorry for being a bad mother. But my response was that she was the best mother ever. And I meant it because she was like a best friend or sister to me and I thought that was what a mother should be instead of a mother. I repressed everything she did to me when I was younger and thought it was all normal for mothers to do to their children. Plus, she was on her death bed, who wants to admit the person dying was a bad person sometimes?
Anyways, on that night I dreamt that I got to see my mom and I asked her, "Why did you treat me so badly when I was young? Why did you rage at me randomly and be nice other times again randomly? Why did you hate being my mom?"
And she said, "I'm sorry but I was going through a really hard time myself." Then we both said at the same time, "my psychologist thinks you/I had BPD too" then I woke up.
I've been trying hard to forgive my mom and I think it has been happening slowly and that dream helped a bit to keep that process going. I think I forgive her now. I know she wasn't purposely trying to hurt and confuse me, she did her best and didn't know any better and felt bad about it later on. Actually, she often got upset and said she was a bad mother but I didn't understand at the time and it only confused me. Now if only I can feel peace about it all and move on already.

May 4th

Funny note: I told someone at the MA meeting I go to about May 4th being hard for me since it's when my mom died and she said, well then may the fourth be with you. Haha, I love Star Wars so that a was a perfect line for me to hear!
Anyways, I went to Mt.Tremblant with some of my closest friends 3-5 May partly to commemorate my mom and it went really well. I thank God that we all had a really good time, good food and amazing weather. I was feeling awesome, no bad moods, no bad urges but now that I'm back home it's not as great. Yesterday I had a dream where my mom was piggy-backing me and there were thousands of shooting stars around us. It was a really nice dream but when I woke up, I got so upset because I miss her. I think it might have been the first dream in a really long time where me and my mom had fun together, perhaps it was the first time ever. And it just made me miss her ALOT. I cried alot, and then Frank came by right on cue, it really is like she knows when I'm sad and later that day she took a nap on my belly on the couch and it was sooooo cute. Worth the allergies after. Today is a bit better so far. I'm supposed to go paint with a friend which should be good, haven't painted in forever.

What's happening to Montreal stores??

I love Montreal. Living here is not always the best politically but it's such an eclectic and interesting city. We have amazing restaurants of cooking from all over the world and the shopping is just as varied and boy do I love shopping. But it's not as varied as it used to be. 3 of my favourite clothing stores closed in just this past year and I don't understand it. Is it competition from ebay and a shitty economy? It does seem that the internet takes business away especially from specialty clothing stores. I admit I do just that for goth clothing and shoes. If there's a better price on ebay I'll just buy from there than our local best goth store Cruella. It recently closed and it's been open over 20 years! I used to go there when I was 13 and regularly since then. It's a big part of my growing up and now it's gone. Another store I went to all the time especially in my teens was Labyrinth, a clothing store for band shirts and assorted punk style trinkets. Now I can't browse a store in person for a band shirt I might like. I got so many there, Dream Theater, Rage Against the Machine, Children of Bodom, Deftones and most recently Dethklok and probably more. The third store I miss is Betsey Johnson. It was right on St.Catherine's and it was so much fun to peruse beautiful dresses, some costing 500$ and up. I loved Betsey's style, kinda punk but very girly and bright. I got 4 dresses from there, some of them are my favourites in my closet. Again, I can buy her dresses online but it's just not the same as looking through the store, feeling them in my hands and having fun looking at them all. Oh well, all I can do is hope more interesting stores will open and focus on my last exam tomorrow. Then I'll be free and done my first year back in school after years of mental illness torture!

Here's my fav Betsey Johnson dress. You can still see my hospital bracelet! I was still in the psych ward out on a pass, soon to go to rehab I think.

school school school

Ugh I'm STILL catching up in school since being in the hospital. I have almost no time for anything else these days. At least I got A+ in two intro to psychology midterms though! So, finally no more psych midterms but now I have so much math to do. And I didn't even have time to write anything about Easter! Or better put, Ressurection Day. I guess I'll have to do that later...

9 months!

9 months clean from all street drugs wooo! I never thought I would make it this far. I had a few close calls, including one where I called my old middleman to get weed but didn't end up getting it thank God, but here I am. And I sincerely thank God. He's been protecting me the whole time from irresistibly tempting situations and even keeping me from getting what I wanted when I couldn't take it anymore. No one's randomly offered me a joint or dropped drugs in front of me which has both happened to other recovering addicts I know at Marijuana Anonymous. One of them slipped because of it. I also thank myself for being so strong in the face of such a deadly disease as addiction is and doing what I knew I had to do to stay sober, staying away from certain people and keeping busy and going to therapy regularly and being open and honest with professionals who try to help me. Being an active addict is now like a bad nightmare. I can't believe I couldn't stand a moment of sobriety before. And I can't believe being sober is now my normal again. I can't believe I can do school now, be a member of an art studio and go out and generally do things again. I'll be thankful for that ability for the rest of my life. I still get tempted sometimes to just have one joint, one line, one pill... but I know where it will lead me and I don't want to go there. I don't want my BPD to get worse, I don't want to be suicidal anymore, I don't want to end up in the ER and the psych ward, all just because I tried that one hit and it led to another and another. I'm taking better care of myself now. It's been incredibly hard to reach that point and sometimes I fall back into self-destruction, but I still stayed clean this long (minus the occasional drink) and I pray it continues.

Most incredible dream ever!!!! I met Jesus!

I had this dream while in the hospital and it was so special, I'll remember it for the rest of my life. It isn't really even a dream, more like a vision. A spiritual event.
I dreamt my house was suddenly a mansion connected to a museum which was also connected to other mansions. My dad, brother and I decided to take a look around in the museum part. I started to fall behind, taking more time looking around and I spotted these stone stairs that looked like they belonged in a monastery. I couldn't see where they led and was curious so I started climbing them. I noticed that on the walls were painted, in a medieval-like style, Middle Eastern history mixed with Bible events. I thought to myself, it would be nice to see where Jesus appears so I kept climbing the stairs since the paintings went forward in time as you go up. After a while I came to the portrait of Jesus and paused to admire it. When I turned to keep going up the stairs, I realized there were only two to go and someone was at the top with their hand out to help me up. And I stared in awe as I took their hand because it was Jesus Himself standing before me. I could tell because I could feel omnipotent power and love emanating from Him. He didn't look stereotypically Caucasian with white clothes. It was really Jesus in the flesh so He looked Middle Eastern Jewish, modestly handsome and had the typical clothing of the time He lived on earth. There are no words to describe being in His presence. He was really there with me, helping me up the last stairs! He didn't have to speak to communicate with me. He said,"If I tell you to jump off these stairs with me, would you do it?" I hesitated to look down and it was over two stories high from the floor. I said, "Yes, I would because I feel comfortable with You." So He kept holding my hand and we jumped down. The floor became like liquid and we fell through it to the next floor where it felt like it became a trampoline and we easily landed on our feet. And then I asked the question I had been burning to ask, "What do I do about my mom?" He said, "Your mom is safe with me. She just doesn't want you to be in so much pain anymore." And my dream ended.
When I woke up, I was in a stunned daze and cried any time I told anyone about it. I met Jesus Himself in the flesh! I feel like one of the disciples in the Bible! I met the Creator of the universe and He came to see me Himself and help me with my issues about my mom!! I can still remember His face and the feel of His hand on mine! Praise the Lord Almighty! I can't believe how loving You are!
On a silly side note, I couldn't tell very many people since I was in the psych ward. I would have been stuck there longer, raving 'I met Jesus last night!' But now that I'm out, I want to tell everyone!

In and out of the psych ward again

This must be the sixth or seventh time now. Spent 2.5 weeks in the hospital and just got discharged yesterday. I can't believe I ended up in there again even though I've been clean from drugs almost 9 months now. I guess my BPD is pretty bad on its own. It got triggered again by my mom's bday which was in late February. I tried my absolute best to handle it well. I stayed busy, hung out with friends, sang a bunch of songs, did homework but I still steadily got more and more emotionally unstable. I even had my pastor visit me on the day of her bday but it didn't help enough. The urges to hurt myself got stronger and stronger until I just couldn't take it anymore. I chugged some wine and tossed a bunch of my meds in my mouth but my bf and brother were there and my bf tried to get me to spit it all out. I was so conflicted between the urge to hurt myself and trying to fight it off that I stalled for a long time. By the time I did spit out what was in my mouth, half the pills already dissolved into my mouth. Then I tried grabbing a knife but they stopped me, called Poison Control and took me to the hospital where I physically recovered but then I started banging my head and punching myself so my arms were tied down. I saw the ER psychiatrist and I was ready to argue with him how serious BPD can be but he completely disarmed me by immediately agreeing I should go upstairs to the psychiatric ward. He was really nice. So in 2 days I got transferred there and the first couple of days were really hard. I still had bad urges to hurt myself. I ended up in the isolation room twice and got completely strapped down, arms, legs and waist once. But after a few days the urges got smaller and smaller and I stopped hurting myself. But I was still emotionally fragile for a while. My bf's mom wrote me a letter out of loving concern and that set me off again since it mentioned my mom but by the next day I was ok. I got a very nice psychiatrist to work with and she gave me the time to recover and get stronger again. I think my psychologist did a good job teaching the staff about BPD.
I saw a lot of familiar faces staying there with me, a lot of us mental patients seem to cycle in and out of that place. There were only a handful I didn't know already from previous stays. I feel a lot better now, time to get back to reality and try to salvage my semester. Already did some math homework today.

Kalmah tabs now available on dropbox!

I've also tabbed Kalmah's Like A Slave and Doubtful About it All since there's no accurate tabs of them anywhere last time I checked. Also in gp5 and pdf. Btw they're really not Christian just so no one gets confused but their music rocks:

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/pcbjjnnigjjd3xa/_FqMtUnY5I

Antestor tabs now available on dropbox!

Finally a better way to share them with everyone! I've tabbed Via Dolorosa, Rites of Death, Med Hevede Sverd and Old Times Cruelty in gp5 and pdf with seperate files for different tracks:

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/7lcnpdk2v2t42lo/A4V-SikWSw

Feel free to leave feedback.

if the tab links don't work tell me already!

ok none of them work. i should have checked that a long time ago. sorry about that but someone could have told me too! anyways, i'll figure out a way to get them available soon, thanks to my techie bf.

its National Eating Disorders Awareness Week!

Though I have never suffered from an eating disorder myself, I feel close to the subject because I have a couple friends who suffer from anorexia and from what I can tell, it's very similar to being addicted and in this case to not eating. No wonder the survival stats for eating disorders is not very good. Neither are the stats, as I've stated before, very good for drug addiction. In both cases you feel your whole life depends on a habit that is actually killing you slowly (sometimes quickly). It takes an incredible change in a person to stop such a destructive habit that they use to deal with everything in life. But it is possible and I'm living proof of that now. And so is one of my friends who became severely anorexic but is now on the road to recovery. Thank God she looks so much healthier now and even enjoys ice cream again. I also knew a man who had bulimia and he recovered from that too. I don't know his story as well but I know he has greatly reduced his many destructive habits. But alas, not everyone recovers. I've talked about L here before and honestly, I don't know if she's alive or dead now. She doesn't answer her phone and I don't know the exact apartment number she lives at so I can't barge in and see if she's ok. Last I saw her is over a year ago now and she was restricting her eating to only 300 calories a day and she was bone skinny and always kept on a jacket to hide her thinness. She's a mother to the most well-behaved 10 year old boy I ever met but she needed his arm to get up and down stairs. She required the highest level of psychiatric care in the mental hospital in the past because she got so skinny she had near heart failure and needed a wheelchair. I believe they had to force feed her to save her life. I'm afraid she might be in such a situation again but I guess I'll never know... I pray that God intervenes in her life. She's had such hard days...

facts on addiction

I wrote this for my intro to psych course and figured it should be here too. Too bad it depresses me though. So much more has to be done in the fight against addiction.

The APA has an article called “Cognition is central to drug addiction” which further explains what the textbook mentions about people with pre-frontal lobe damage behaving similarly to substance-dependent people. They talked about a study that used a gambling experiment on drug users and a control group. About a third of the drug users behaved the same as the control group, another 25% behaved exactly as patients with frontal lobe damage and a full 40% were hyper-sensitive to any rewards, whether short or long-term. The researcher in charge sees the differences as different vulnerability levels to addiction. The first two groups can benefit from some kind of addiction treatment but the last one would probably have a very hard time stopping using due to severe decision-making impairments. Another related fact they found was that craving for cocaine wasn't linked to heightened activity in the reward center of the brain but in fact was linked to activity in the areas of the frontal cortex that regulate decision-making and motivation. This information explains why some people can use drugs but not get addicted and others get so addicted that they never stop and eventually die from it. In twelve-step meetings they acknowledge this effect and mention that there are some unfortunate people who, for whatever reason, just can't stop no matter how much help they get.

I find the stats from the study very sad and they confirm what I learned in rehab, only 10% of addicts try to get help. The number of those who actually recover must be even smaller. I met an alcoholic at rehab who I think is clearly in the last group. He's relapsed many many times, including twice since I met him and his liver is dying. He wanted so bad to stop, he suffered so many horrible things because of alcohol intoxication. Now I don't know if he's alive or dead. What can be done for the 40% who seem doomed to be forever addicted? I suppose harm reduction approaches are the best for them for now.

http://www.apa.org/monitor/jun01/cogcentral.aspx

To my newspaper about BPD and Ashley Smith

Hi Christie,

I enjoy reading the Gazette, especially its articles pertaining to mental health. I think your opinion in "How could the Smith case happen in 'good' Canada" was pretty easy to agree with and I'm glad you are bringing her case attention in the Gazette. It is outrageous how she was treated, especially given her mental illness. Even a mentally healthy person subjugated to that much forced isolation would go crazy. She needed to be treated by professionals, not treated as a simple criminal and in a psychiatric ward, not in jail. At the very least she should have been in something like Pinel which happens to be both a mental hospital and prison for the criminally ill. 

There was one thing about your article that bothered me. You portray those with Borderline Personality Disorder as people who are desperate for attention to the point of purposely creating chaos for those around them. You also state it is one of the hardest psychiatric disorders to treat. As one who also suffers from BPD, I can tell you these opinions are clearly from an outsider's perspective and it stereotypes the most negatively stereotyped mental illness. You didn't say anything about how it feels to have BPD. Imagine being strapped into an extreme rollercoaster and never being able to get out. This is what everyday feels like because every little thing affects you emotionally. We're highly sensitive people and the smallest trouble can make you feel like life is just too much to bear. Marsha Linehan, an expert on BPD, calls this having your skin turned inside out. Also, BPD is often caused by childhood trauma so you have a past that haunts you and tells you no one can love you. And you can't love yourself because you don't know who you are. The inside of you feels like a black hole, nothing there. So obviously you rarely feel ok. What do people do when they are suffering, especially this severely? They try to get help, draw attention to themselves. People with BPD are not selfish and malicious, we are suffering deeply and reach out for help or express our pain by behaving recklessly and hurting ourselves in a myriad of ways. BPD has the reputation of being hard to treat only because these characteristics of BPD make it hard to respond to traditional treatment. Linehan created DBT, a therapy specifically for BPD but which also helps addiction, eating disorders and more. BPD also requires years of therapy, something not alot of professionals want to commit to. So please, don't create more negativity around BPD than there already is because it is in fact very treatable but also hard to understand from the outside which has created many misconceptions. Especially that we crave attention and do things to ourselves on purpose just for the attention. It is an outward expression of the intense suffering inside, not a simple ploy for attention. I hope I've shown you a more understanding and humane view of BPD, something even most health professionals do not have.

testimony

A couple weeks ago our church decided to shake things up a little and have people share what happened to them in the past year that they were thankful about instead of the usual sermon. This was because our pastor had the flu and spent the night before and the night before that just throwing up. I didn't know about this beforehand and just showed up like everyone else. During the singing he turned around and said, "would you like to share your testimony? For about 10 minutes? Sorry this is so last minute." Frankly, I've sometimes fantasized what it would be like to share my crazy personal story in front of my church but I also pictured having time to prepare. But it felt like God was telling me to go ahead so I said yes. I spent about 15 minutes sharing what happened to me in summary form over the past 4 years and I was so nervous I was shaking and tearing up the whole time. But I just went with the Lord and spoke and I was never at a loss for words. I started with the fact that I'm a recovering addict with mental illness. And I described a bit the hell I went through, the suicide attempts, being in the psych ward 5 times, having to be high at all times and what it took to get better. I ended with the statement that I live for God now. I should have died many times but I'm not thanks to God. And He's kept me alive to help others so that's what I live for now. I still have BPD so if there was no God or He didn't care, I would gladly kill myself because nothing is worth the suffering of living. But God is there and has a purpose for me, so that's what I live for now. My life is not really my life, it's God's to use as He pleases. I heard amens and sounds of agreement when I said this and everyone clapped at the end. Then people came to me and thanked me for sharing my story and said how inspiring I was to them. One even said to me he gave up drugs too when he became Christian. Everyone said I expressed myself well and wow, it felt good to tell everyone. No more hiding or feeling ashamed of what is a huge part of me and my experience.
I asked my brother how he thought it went. And he pointed out that I did actually have practice over the holidays with my grandparents and cousin. The most rewarding moment of the holidays was finally telling my grandparents thank you for coming over when I was in the hospital to help around the house and always praying for me and getting to tell them what happened to me over the years. I told them pretty much everything, that I did cocaine, grew magic mushrooms, stole my dad's money for everything and was completely trapped by addiction, always having to be high. I told them about BPD and how it got worse with all the smoking up and drugging I did and how it feels to be constantly suicidal. Then I told them how I got better by being in the psych ward, then going straight to rehab and doing group and individual therapy along with God's support the whole way through and how I got an A+ in biology. By the end of my testimony, my usually stoic grandparents were in tears and said how proud they were of me. I'll never forget that day when I could honestly share everything with them. They were shocked, saddened and then delighted. I've never felt so close to them and I'm so thankful they're happy and proud of me.

Happy Belated new years!

Wow I've been busy! Time flies when you're having fun or studying. I can't believe how normal my life has become. I feel so much better it's a crazy miracle every morning I wake up and feel ready to do what I have to do. I thank God from the bottom of my heart every day. The holidays were really great. I got to have a heart to heart with my grandparents and a cousin, hung out with friends more. I went to my bf's family Christmas party with 45 ppl which was kinda overwhelming but still nice and a quiet new years eve at my cousins' place with two of her friends and some beers. Life's been good. I can't believe I can say that now. I'll elaborate more on some of these things in my next post. I'm back in school now, continuing intro to psych and now starting algebra. I was scared of it but they really start at the beginning of math in general so I've been able to follow thus far. It's really a class for people who suck at math haha. My intro to psych professor  really likes me now, considers me one of the top students. I've been getting As for all the midterms and I just got an A+ on the last one! 

Remember I said I would start drinking once in a while and see how that goes? Well I've learned more about myself that's for sure. I can have just one or two beers if I'm just at a pub with my bf or one other friend, but if it's a party or party atmosphere like at a club, I consistently overdo it. At the last bday party at a club I went to, I said I would only have one but had more like 6 and by the time I got to my bf's house, I puked twice. Most unpleasant but in the moment when you're having fun, you figure you can have just one more and then just one more etc... And thinking about it, I could see this getting really bad. So, no drinking at all if it's a party atmosphere. Only one on one in restaurants or at home or at a low-key pub. I'll see if that works, and if I still break my limits, I'm just going to go dry at all times. I've already proven to myself I don't need substances to have fun. I don't NEED alcohol to have fun or have it be in my life in general. So here goes. There will be a karaoke bday party and I'm telling myself now, no drinks that night at all.