tattoo part 1

On Monday I got my tattoo! But only part of it. The designs from the book of Kells will happen sometime next week. This part is Christ's monogram. The letters that look like P and X are the first two letters of Christ's name in Greek. The early Christians used this symbol to recognize each other when they were being persecuted by the Romans (I think) and it is what Constantine saw in a vision in the stars which brought him victory and made Christianity the state religion. I was a bit nervous about how it would feel because I knew it would definitely hurt but luckily two of my friends came along and chatted with me the whole time so I was distracted from the pain. It wasn't too bad and in the end they weren't sure if I even felt any pain judging from my reactions. But it stung quite a bit for the next day or two. It's pretty good now and I can't wait to see what the tattoo artist comes up with for the rest of the designs that will go round my arm!

beautiful sad dream

I have to be careful not to upset myself, but I had a dream I would like to remember. Well, I only remember a part of it now. I dreamt I went to the greenhouse of a flower shop and bought all sorts of flowers and plants and bushes and brought them home. In the backyard there was a tent-like structure over a patio and all the plants I had bought were already there. I stood back and admired all of them; there were yellow ones, roses, lilies and all kinds of exotic ones I never saw before. I thought to myself, "this would be a great present for Mommy" and suddenly she was there just smelling some flowers. She said, "these are all for me? There's so many!" I was so happy to see her but then I remembered I shouldn't be seeing her in reality. I sat down beside her and we watched the sun setting behind bare trees not yet in bloom. She looked around the garden and said "there's still weeds and some flowers already wilting" as she examined a magnolia tree nearby. I looked around but there were far more flowers in bloom than wilting ones and not many weeds. In fact, I was in awe at how beautiful all the flowers were, especially the cherry blossoms. I was so happy to see her, even if she wasn't totally impressed, but I knew at the same time it couldn't be real and so I was so sad at the same time.

On a related note, May is the worst month ever. EVER!! I don't know how I'm going to get through it once the concerts are over and I'm not excited about my tattoo anymore...

alcohol not a good solution...

I don't know how some people like to drink their sorrows away on a regular basis. It's so hard on the body. No wonder alcoholics die young! In my search for ways to deal with my episodes I thought well if other people do it, maybe I should try. Moderation is truly my friend now! I guess everyone should get drunk off their asses once in their lives but it's definitely not good when you can't remember half the night. Well, apparently I was raving to myself about how beautiful God is and how Jesus is so good and will save me from my troubles! At least I know somewhere inside of me I'm actually very happy...

enduring/tattoo/school

I've been doing better these days, a friend of mine says there's more pep in my voice which I guess is a good thing? I feel like some of God's truth and love is trickling in a little into my heart which is awesome. I can't really explain it but anyways it is good to look towards Jesus and study the Word! It is also good to listen to Christian metal, especially when the lyrics are biblically based or have hope etc. I love the song Endure by Becoming the Archetype. I can relate so well to the lyrics and I need to keep telling myself to endure the spiritual and mental pain because my only other choice is death and hell and God will save me from myself and these things. Wow, that's pretty bad sentence structure but I'm sure it's clear enough. Here's the lyrics:

Endure - Becoming the Archetype

This life is an open wound that will not heal.
I cry out to God with all of my strength.
Desperately, I reach for Him in the night.
This misery keeps my eyes from closing, keeps my mouth from being able to speak.
Is this as far as the arm of God extends?
Has the fire burned itself out?
There is no profit in this way of thinking.
I must escape this frame of mind.
And when I think of all He has done, when I consider all that He is, I am complete.

And so I shall endure but at the same time, I feel so weak. My mind occasionally rebels against me and craves destruction. I need something physical to help me remember and understand Jesus' saving grace. I think alot of Protestant Christians today have underestimated the importance of ritual or physical manifestations of our faith. It's just part of human nature to need these things once in a while. Thus, I am going to get a tattoo. And it's my gut feeling (and more) that it is God's Will, and something that will help me in my faith. There's the above reason which is the main one and needling ink under my skin is just painful/extreme enough to mirror my spiritual pain. The permanence is great because it will be Christ's monogram and designs from the book of Kells which is a manuscript of the Bible illuminated by Irish monks in the dark ages. These are things I would never want erased from my skin or my heart. What I find most fascinating is that these old manuscripts are so intricately decorated because monks would work on them their whole lives and contemplate God's mysterious and complex nature as they illuminated them. It is like peeking into God's nature when you look at the incredibly detailed designs and get lost in them.



So, I thought it would be so awesome if there was a Christian tattoo artist who could benefit while doing my tattoo by also contemplating as the monks did but does a Christian tattoo artist exist? To my surprise, there's even a Christian tattoo artists' association! But would I find one here in Montreal where so many people are militantly secular? Again to my surprise, there's one in a reputable shop just down the street from my school! Wow. I have a consultation with him in two days. I also found this site which I found quite helpful for Biblical references to tattooing:
http://www.religioustattoos.net/

Some more good news; I'm almost done the work for my last semester! Art theory class is done, I just need to write some exhibition reviews for painting class and then that's done, and I have a long extension for lithography class to do one minimum 6 colour print! I can't believe I'm graduating...

so many shows!!!

The first week of May is going to be killer! Opeth, Mastodon and Gojira are all coming that week to here in Montreal!!!! Me and my bud are going to all of them, ALL OF THEM! I can't wait...

Lamb of god + Children of Bodom in Montreal = mayhem!

Wow where to start! I'm sore all over and my ears are ringing from the sonic assault of last night's amazing show!
Well first of all, me and my buddy had no idea what or where the Cepsum was so we were both quite taken aback when we entered and found at least 1000 people inside a big venue! We walked in on As I Lay Dying's set (I hear they're Christian) which sounded decent but we were off to the side so we couldn't hear them very clearly, the crowd loved them.
After that, we knew Children of Bodom would be next so we moved closer to the stage in the middle. This is something I don't usually do because that's always where mosh pits form but I reallly wanted to see Alexi! I have some silly preteen crush on the guy. He's so hot and charismatic and an amazing guitar player! So, I just figured when the mosh pits would start we could just move to the side. Boy was I so wrong. After Children of Bodom introduced themselves with an old pop song and a track of them saying fuck many times over in different voices (they're so silly and funny), the entire floor became one huge mosh pit and there was no escape! I was not planning on being in mosh pits anymore (those were my teen years) but we had no choice. It was nuts! I nearly fell over at first, got squished alot but the energy in the crowd was great so it was fun in a kind of dangerous way. And their set was awesome. They played a couple songs from the new album Blooddrunk, the best from Are You Dead Yet? and they ended with Downfall! I'm probably forgetting others but yeah, Alexi's solos were mindboggling and the whole band was tight.
It was only after their set that we had a chance to get out of the mosh pit and we managed to secure an amazing spot where we were still close to the stage but not in the pit so we really got to enjoy Lamb of god's set! Generally I like their music but I don't like to listen to it too much because after a while I get bored by the lack of chord progressions or melodies but in concert they are amazingly energetic which makes for an insane show. They played their songs even better than on their albums and truly the singer has no lack of energy. He was screaming his lungs out with incredible tonal range and pacing the stage like a wild animal. I was glad I wasn't in the mosh pit anymore! At the end, the singer asked for the biggest circle pit he'd seen so far in the tour and he sure got it! Pretty much the whole floor was taken up by people running and pushing each other in a vicious circle. It was really neat to see it, while not being in it.

(Side note: Even though this all sounds quite violent, most metalheads are super nice and courteous. One big guy pushed people away from me in the pit when I asked him, another gave up his place in a safe spot for a girl who was clearly overwhlemed by the mosh pit.)

It was funny how the singer dedicated Redneck to Alexi because he got totally plastered the night before at a party! Also, Alexi dedicated Blooddrunk to anybody who has done stupid things while plastered, like how he broke his shoulder by jumping out of the tour bus window while drunk! This all makes me want to have a drink with friends, an impulse I have not had in a while since I've been depressed and think they don't really care. (Which I know is not true.) Of course, I don't want to get plastered though. Vomiting does not seem like an attractive venture to me.
Anyways, it was a crazy, energetic, exciting and amazing show!

Good Friday

As ridiculous as this will sound, I actually easily forget what Good Friday is for. So, I didn't really feel like going to my church's joint service with another one but a good friend guilt tripped me into going and I'm glad she did. I got my whole family to come along with me and we all had a good time. The worship felt full of the Spirit, my pastor did the sermon so of course it was good and thought provoking and we got to chat with friends and make new acquaintances. We got to ponder Christ's sacrifice and death and how he suffered under God's wrath in place for us.
As I was worshiping, it felt like God opened my eyes a little bit to see His perspective on my life. I knew for sure He will save me from sin, fear and despair and so I praised Him in advance for what He will do! I got to see a bit of truth which has given me stronger faith and more hope. On the other hand, I also saw that my condition has yet to get worse but I must persevere. I am so weary but if Jesus will eventually end it, then bring it on because I won't stop clinging to him! Indeed, my condition is a bit fragile. When some of my medication wears out at the end of the day before I take the next dose, I feel jittery, twitchy and anxious about nothing. It seems like the medicine is simply continually keeping back an impending episode. I just pray I will get to see a good psychiatrist soon.

loving truth

Sometimes I come across a praise song that really connects with me and goes straight to my heart like the song Be Thou My Vision and now I have found another one: Before the Throne of God Above. It pretty much covers everything I want to know deep inside my heart and not just in my head and it talks about despair which is a big stumbling block of mine. It also reminded me of something peculiar I do. Anytime I am deeply thinking about how God loves me like in the song where it says Jesus pleads for me and my name is graven in his hands and heart, I tear up and sometimes cry a little. So I wonder, why is that my response? The only thing I do know on the subject is that it is hard for me to really accept that God loves me. I guess this is similar to how I find it difficult to believe and trust that some people really care about me (which I know is irrational). I really want to know what's blocking me from just accepting! That might be the key to me getting out of this horrible period of my life.

Anyways, here are the lyrics for the song:

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace,
One in Himself I cannot die.
My soul is purchased by His blood,
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God!

Oh yeah, these past two days I was able to finish my 5'x6' painting and start a 2'x4' painting, and I printed my second colour off the stone today, all of which is awesome.

Some relief

Last week when I saw my counsellor, she seriously pissed me off. Mainly because she did the exact thing I did not want her or any therapist of mine to do which I mentioned earlier here. She pulled the "God has given you so much, i.e loves you, so what are you so upset about? Someone needs to slap you on the face to get you to snap out of it!" Wow, how is that supposed to help me exactly? I could pay anybody off the street to say that to me! Anyway, I've already thought of that, I've already had a slap in the face, I already know and appreciate what God has given me but His gifts alone do not make me happy and I thought a fellow Christian would have known that already. All I really want in the whole wide world is to have God's presence in my life, to have the Holy Spirit with me and to bear his fruit! And this lady added to my problems by joining the thoughts in my head that declare in thousands of ways how I have failed as a human being. So, yesterday I was able to explain all this to her without too much anger and nicely fired her patronizing face. We both agreed her approach does not work for me. And now I'm so relieved I don't have to go to that stupid ugly building, see her pretend to care and be forced to talk about crap I don't want to think about. Hallelujah! 

Right now, I don't want another therapist/counsellor or whatever. Talking with my pastor has been the most useful to me and anyways, I want to focus on graduating and passing my courses this semester! With my new medication I should now be able to work ok without too much interruption from whatever it is that I have in my head. 

Oh yeah, one important thing I realized, I often can't tell the truth from the lies and that's why I can't always choose life even though I want to.

And down

Those episodes I talked about previously have become more frequent and words do not properly describe what they are like. Let's just say it is excruciating, debilitating and shake any confidence I might have in my mental abilities. When I don't have them I can function relatively normally but I'm constantly anxious in the back of mind, fearing when an episode may get triggered again. I saw the doctor yesterday and he prescribed me a drug that indeed works but it also makes me tired and dizzy. It's like it slows down my mind and saps my energy so that I can't get as easily upset. Which makes me worry. I don't want to end up drugged out for the rest of my life, agonizing over whether I'm losing my mind and wishing God can make it stop!
I'm just really thankful that I've got such as awesome pastor to talk to every week, he helps me more than anyone else. He told me to read certain verses from the Bible that refer to our identity in Christ and to write what God is saying to me through them. I started doing that today and I think it's helping.

School is almost over already and it's getting harder to work on things. Luckily my art theory class is done with so now all I have to worry about are my painting and lithography classes. For painting I have to finish my 5'x6' painting and probably one more smaller painting and for lithography...I'm not exactly sure. I guess at least I must finish my four colour print of which I only have one colour done. I have to remember to rub in asphaltum/ink before I wash out the stone!