and now a stupid bag

I just realized I don't have an appropriate bag for the wedding sigh. I like shopping normally but I'm shopped out. To continue on my last post, my future mother-in-law made me feel better today. I told her how much trouble I went through for the dress and she hugged me and said 'I'm sorry our family is so conservative'. I still have trouble trusting anyone to be a mother figure to me but she is getting close. I guess one of my biggest fears is that the people I like or love will run out of patience with me. So, I'm afraid every time I have trouble that she will lose patience and reject and/or hurt me. But you know, people are allowed to get frustrated so I've got to deal with being so sensitive... Some days it is just plain exhausting to have BPD.

stupid dress

I love weddings. For selfish reasons mostly. To me it's an excuse to dress up, party, dance, eat and drink for a happy occasion. We're going to one this Saturday so I bought a nice black dress weeks ago. Then my future mother-in-law took my fiance shopping and bought him a 500$ suit (it's his cousin's wedding). And I thought 'crap, my dress was 50$. Maybe it's not fancy enough'. I wasn't sure what to do so I figured I'd do what my fiance would do. Ask her. I sent her a photo and asked if it was fancy enough. She said it was fancy enough for sure but too sexy. Both families of the bride and groom are very conservative she said. In my opinion my dress was not too sexy at all but I wanted to accommodate her opinion so I went out and found another dress. I brought it home and realized there was a hole in it. I had to go back to the dress store again and they gave me another dress that was exactly the same. But then later I saw it had two holes! By this time I was drained from shopping and very upset and angry. Why am I going through so much trouble for one person's opinion?? My step-mom said this is life, the older you get the less freedom you have. Great. And the store doesn't do refunds, only exchange. It's my favourite dress store. ARG! I begged my step-mom to come with me the next day to the store to help me find another one since she studied fashion. We managed to find another nice dress that has so far not developed holes. I even dreamed last night that I found holes in it. Now, you may wonder, why all the stress? It's just a dress and this little story has a happy ending. Well I'm stressed because of my relationship with my future mother-in-law. I've been trying to be closer to her, maybe even depend on her more as if she was my own mom. I find her very understanding generally. But she does have a temper sometimes and she's kind of a perfectionist I guess. So part of me really likes her and the other part of me is very scared of her. But I definitely want to have a good relationship with her. And this whole dress thing is messing up everything in my head that has to do with her. I want to let her know that I went through a lot of trouble to obey her wishes but I'm afraid she will be harsh and say something like just deal with it. It's just a dress. My BPD is telling me that of course but I am still afraid. And of course this all goes back to my mom who was very harsh to the point of scarring me but still cared about me and then died. I just don't know how to deal with moms any more if I even ever did. Now I am not sure I should ever trust someone enough to depend on as a mom. I feel it is just too dangerous of an endeavour.

'Genie, you're free' - Rachel Evan Wood

Wow, a lot of people have been writing about mental illness now because of Robin Williams. And I feel I must join the party. Firstly, I'm happy to see so much awareness happening and articles talking about the fact that suicide is not cowardly etc... but I'm also sad that it takes a high profile death from mental illness for there to be more awareness about something so common and powerful. I personally know 4 people who died from mental illness and they are just as worthy to be aware of.
Secondly, I am simply just sad that he killed himself. I've written here before about being in the same mindset yet here I am after 7 suicide attempts, still alive and actually doing pretty well now. I know very well the suffering involved to hurt or try to kill yourself so what is the difference between me and him? What is that factor that kept me alive and let him die? I am certainly not more worthy than anyone else. I am sad that he will no longer light up people's faces except in recordings. I am sad for his family and friends.
Thirdly, I am scared. After being completely sober for 20 years, he went on a bender with alcohol and cocaine, went to rehab recently and then killed himself. As a recovering addict, this scares me A LOT. I have only 2 years of partial sobriety (I still drink on occasion but don't do any street drugs), I am in the middle of step 5 out of 12 from AA, I am nowhere near 20 years of sobriety. Many people, including recovering addicts, wish to think that after a certain amount of clean time you are 'cured'. You don't have to worry any more about relapsing. But clearly this is very false. This man had 20 years of sobriety and yet still relapsed. That reminds me that I have to be constantly vigilant and constantly work on staying mentally healthy and spiritually strong. The consequence of letting my guard down can take my life. What a harsh reality but true of any chronic illness. His death scares me by making me wonder if I will ever feel too comfortable in the future, let my guard down, relapse and then die of overdose or suicide...

PTSD dream (or being haunted by the past)

I had an awful dream last night. I dreamt I woke up in the psych ward with no memory of how I got there. I also remembered that I had an awful dream in the dream where I saw my mom die again or something like that so I was really distressed in my dream. Yeah, that sounds confusing but I hope that's clear enough. Anyway, I started talking to some of the people in the ward and it became clear that I really didn't feel well. A doctor said he was tired and didn't want to deal with me so they injected me with a tranquillizer. But it wasn't working. I was sitting on the floor and rocking back and forth and just feeling awful. I don't know how to describe it. I guess it's kinda like all emotions at maximum exploding inside and all you can do is feel highly anxious from all the energy that can't get out except in rocking and generally behaving crazy. It's one of the worst feelings I have ever had. I've had it in real life and it's just as bad in dream life too. I can't remember the details exactly of what happened next but I know it was not pleasant. I woke up feeling like I was actually hospitalized. I hate that feeling. I guess I've had so many traumatic experiences that they pop up every once in a while in my dreams and haunt me in my present. Does that mean I still haven't processed it all? Especially my experiences in the psych ward? I wish I could be completely free from the past already. But then I guess that would mean I don't have PTSD any more. I think I should read up on how PTSD is generally treated. It seems to be bothering me more than my other mental illnesses...

I had the talk

No no not THE talk, just talking to my future mother-in-law about her cancer. Of course I cried and of course my psychologist was right. She felt very touched that I cared so much and said she would love to do things together. I mentioned I can cook for her when she gets her treatments and that it would be nice to visit my mom since I haven't been in something like 4 years and she said she would love to go with me and we can visit her mom too. My psychologist brought up the interesting idea that I should spend more time with her. I find this interesting because I can do things with her that I wish I could still do with my mom. Like shopping, going out for a meal or enjoying the summer on a terrace, just chatting, actually I can't think of much right now. That's weird. I guess, just living and being together. So, instead of always being sad that I don't have a mom anymore, I should be spending time with the mom I will have. But I guess I am also afraid of spending more time with her. I am afraid that the quote 'familiarity breeds contempt' will come true and we will get sick of each other and hate each other or something. I know this is kind of irrational but it is still a possibility and I really don't want that to happen. Also, I am just not used to having a mom any more. I'm not used to someone telling me what to do and watching out for me and telling me I need to be less lazy etc... I am afraid of all that too. Sigh. Being borderline personality really puts me between a rock and a hard place sometimes. What's with me and sayings today? I rarely ever used them and here they are twice today.

happy bday to me!

I had a crazy bday party that started at a fancy italian resto, then to a fancy lounge with 15$ drinks, then to a club that has 2$ beers and shots. I don't remember how many drinks I had but yeah, it was fun and I got to dance a lot which was awesome. People kind of cycled in and out throughout the night, about 16 people total so that was nice too. I just like hanging out with people on my bday so that really worked out. Then I had a nice dinner at a really good grill place with my dad and step-mom yesterday, then I had dinner with my fiance's parents and his brother baked me a cake today. It was so nice! I really feel loved and that's something I have not felt for most of my life. I am so thankful to the Lord everyday for so many loved ones. It was not always this way and I can see that support really is important for mental health. For so long I felt so alone but not anymore. I pray that everyone can feel this way at least once in their lives.