More thoughts from psych ward

I had another dream with my mom. I bought a coffee for myself at a Tim's and she yelled at me for doing that. Something about wasting money which makes no sense and I was mad at her back. She wouldn't let it go. Hopefully I'll get to smoke soon. I got my clothes back and took a shower. Odd graffiti in the bathroom: Dr. ----- + me = 187. I changed rooms last night. My crazy roommate stole my last cookie. Caught her in the act. So mad she went through my stuff. Yelled at her. Read an article in the newspaper that made me cry. About a woman who got cancer and how her daughter reacted. I'm scared I could get cancer and leave young children behind too. The sitter thing will end today probably too. Trying to get a pass for Friday which is my music night to commemorate my mom. But I might not be ready. Sigh, such conflicting desires. But I feel ok so far. I'm still fragile but much better. I don't have urges to hurt myself. Just passing thoughts. Like running into traffic or overdosing on meds.

New tattoo!

I got it done by the best tattoo artist in Montreal. She was really nice. These are my mom's favorite flowers and mine.

Stories from the ward

Here are some of my thoughts while locked up in the mental hospital:
Feb.17th 14'
Yesterday was the first day I started to feel better. Before that, I was overwhelmed by destructive thoughts and acting on them. Mostly punching myself and running into walls. I also tried to cut my throat. I ended up completely tied down to a bed twice. I also have a custodian that follows me around everywhere and watches me constantly, even when sleeping. I have no privileges to go outside. One of my custodians was a really nice Cambodian girl, very pretty and strong and we became good friends. I want to find her on facebook.

Yesterday about 20 people from church visited me and brought me the same flowers as in my new tattoo and it was wonderful. They prayed for me and talked about the music night for my mom's bday and I felt so loved. I honestly don't feel as alone anymore. They were all so thoughtful. Then my fiance's parents came to visit and that was really nice too. His mom brought me a giant chocolate cookie heart that she always makes for Valentine's Day. Plus I have the cookies his brother made me. No wonder I'm gaining weight. Oh yeah, and then I taught origami in the evening which was fun too.

I had nightmares last night. I bought mounds of cocaine from a friend in MA which turned into crack. I was at a bar where a huge fight with flying glass happened, the guy who reminds me of Chris Tucker (he got discharged a while ago) was yelling and being threatening at Daddy's house and there was lots of kittens then I was shoe shopping with an old friend who turned into my roommate and there were awesome boots but there were only her size and not mine. So weird and disturbing. And I was trying to get a radio to work while my mom watched. What a dream. So I had a rough morning but I just asked for extra meds, tried sleeping, failed, had my nails done by a friend in the ward, chatted, did some drawing and finally it's almost 5. I got to talk to the doctor and she gave me cigarette privileges and my clothes finally tomorrow. The artsy orderly told me I should draw Harry Potter or Circuit of Heaven.

I'm back and free!

Oh what a relief and yet a shock to be back home, away from the crazy ward. Just got discharged today. Doing much better than before when I got to the ward. It was so bad that I was put on 24/7 suicide watch with a custodian following me around everywhere for a week and occasionally having to hold me down or have me fully restrained to a bed because I wouldn't stop hurting myself. And now I'm on more meds too. Oh well, the important thing is that I got through it all in one piece and had a nice doctor who took me seriously and let me take my time to get better. I still feel a bit fragile but it's much better than before. I'll post some stories from my stay when I have the time. Thank you Lord I'm safe now!

to the hospital

that's it. i'm done. this is my last ditch effort to take care of myself instead of self-destructing and then going to the hospital. i'm pre-emptively going to the hospital before i do something to myself. i really hope i am taken seriously unlike in the past. i am so drained and depressed that i can't do anything productive. even typing is hard. i really don't want to go but it doesn't look like i have much choice. please pray that i would be treated fairly and gently. i'm so fragile right now. all my thoughts are so destructive...

ok I have right to complain now

It's still not as bad as when I wasn't clean but wow the same old patterns of thought keep attacking me and honestly I've run out of energy to fight them. So guess what. I give up. I give up trying to fight them. Anything I do from now on until this hellish period is over is just God's strength in me. That's all. I'm not wasting my own paltry energy in a losing battle. Maybe this attitude will change things paradoxically for the better but I'm not sure. Whatever happens for sure though, I always cherish my faith in Jesus. I've been through so much, Jesus has carried me so many times through the desert that I will never lose faith in Him no matter what.

down

I don't feel like doing anything. Bad destructive thoughts keep going through my head. I really miss being high on  magic mushrooms. I want to grow them again. ARG. I played some praise music and read a bit of the Bible and that helped a bit but not as much as I thought it would. That's not a good sign. So I plan to have a music night with friends on my mom's bday. I hope that helps. That means I have to keep it together beforehand. Well, all I can do is my best...

Why do I even complain? just look at my older posts before last July

Geez was I ever suffering and in a bad place before I got clean! I just looked at some of my older posts, especially around the time I went to the hospital and then directly to rehab. I was doing so horribly that total strangers online were offering to help! And of course I was too paranoid to accept any. Wow, so dramatic! I guess that makes it more interesting to read and funny in parts. You know, being high while doing or getting ready for anything including therapy. Lol. What's not so funny is remembering how I smoked up in a church bathroom and left the window open in the middle of a Canadian winter so the smell would dissipate. Woah, just writing about it I can smell the weed now. And doing lines in a church bathroom and seeing it as totally normal. I totally disrespected God and brought my own idol to His house. I could understand if I was not even Christian (it would just be rude to the congregation) but I was and am. I am truly sorry Lord. These days, being stressed out from PTSD, I sometimes miss the occasional toke, or shroom or line but yes I must remember how horrible it got. I never want to go there again. I know I will have hard days but nothing like that as long as I stay away from street drugs. And yet there is that stupid struggle in my head... I can't believe how strong addiction can be!

at least school is good

I got 95% on my first exam in Fundamentals of Behavioural Neurobiology! Top of the class! Also, my group for the other class is a nice group of people. I'm not sure they are as serious as me though. I've had to edit some of their work so far but it wasn't much work for me to do so it's ok. We are using my idea of studying breath awareness and it's effect on memory. Should be interesting.

Suicide prevention week

So it's suicide prevention week here in Quebec and boy do we need it. Apparently 3 people die of suicide everyday here. That's just crazy. I hope this number is wrong. I've heard it's worse here than in the rest of Canada but I wonder why. I know that the Native population are really struggling with suicides so I guess that's one factor. I'm sure their high addiction rates don't help. What a sad story. They were grossly mistreated by whites in the past century and now their children and children's children are paying for it. To a much lesser extent I can understand that. My grandmother has a very strong personality that demands perfection and is not very motherly so my mom suffered as a child. She inherited some of those qualities too and made me suffer as a child as well. She didn't know how to be a mom and hated it. I guess that's what it means when the Old Testament talks of generations being punished for the sins of the ancestors and also being blessed for generations for faith. Good and bad things always get passed down.
Anyways, I've been rather up and down myself. The old compulsive let's just hurt and/or kill ourselves thoughts have been resurfacing. But I've been ok. They're not so strong that I can't reason myself out of them. But I have been getting a lot of irritating dreams. By themselves they're no big deal but after awhile of having them, I get dragged down. I woke up depressed so I couldn't go to school. I really tried but I just couldn't get out the door. I woke up believing that my dad is dead and my mom is alive. Ugh, just thinking about it stresses me out. That's all I'm saying for now.