the tables turned!

This made my past week rather dramatic. I planned to hang out with my friend who I met in the psych ward and catch up since I hadn't seen her in half a year. It was also important to do so because she was in the psych ward again since October and wasn't doing so well. The day came and she texted me to ask if a friend of hers could join us. I hesitated but tried to do the right thing and be inclusive and said ok but it didn't send because of a weak signal so I thought maybe I should cancel it and say I just want to see only her. But then the signal came back and it sent and my bro suggested it could be God saying just relax and go see them both. He ended up being right, I don't know what would have happened if I said no. Anyways, so I go pick up my friend from the hospital and drive to the friend's friend's house. We go to my friend's appartment and on the way we introduced ourselves and talked about our experiences at the hospital a bit. She told me she has BPD, bipolar disorder and psychosis. Whew, that's quite alot of labels we agreed. I told her I had BPD and ended up in the psych ward a few times but they won't take me in there anymore. She said she'd been there before but it didn't help. When we got to the apartment I caught up with my friend a bit and then her friend said, " I feel kinda sick". We asked if she was ok and she said, "I took 16 Tylenols. But whatever, it's not a big deal. Let's watch TV." We just froze for a bit and looked at each other... And so I had to use every trick and reason in the book to get her to go to the hospital because she did not want to go at all. I said I'll just call the crisis center, they can tell us what to do. They gave me the Poison Control center and they said her liver could get damaged and by onset of symptoms it could be too late so I said, "you could really regret losing your liver when you feel better which is strongly possible." She said her mom would kill her, and if she went to the hospital they would lock her up in the psych ward which she dreaded. I said, "What would you do if it was me or her in your situation? Would you just do nothing knowing we overdosed on something?" She said, "Yes. Because it's your right to do what you want with yourself. It's my right to do what I want!" I said "When you hurt yourself you're not just hurting yourself but also the people around you. I know it feels like nothing helps but the only place to get the right help is at the hospital so either come with us or I'll have to call 911 and they'll take you by ambulance." I braced for an emotional lash-out if she was severely borderline but she only got angry a bit. She stalled for time and finally I said, "I'm calling 911." She said, "OK stop being so dramatic! Geez!" And I lost a bit of patience and said, "who's the one being dramatic, taking 16 Tylenols!" Eep, not my best moment and somehow I got away with it because she didn't get angrier at me and let us drive her to the hospital and take her to the ER. My friend said she was so glad I was there and got her friend to go to the ER, she didn't know what to do herself. I was glad to help but I was traumatized by the experience. First of all, I felt so much stress and worry over the girl and how she would be doing, even though I just met her. And most of all, I felt so bad for causing all the stress and pain I was feeling on those around me, over and over again in the past. I felt quite a bit of distress over this relative stranger. Imagine how bad it must be for those close to me, like family and close friends, who had to drive me to hospitals, visit me in ERs and ICUs 7 times in the past 3 years. I can't believe how bad it is, it's not so far from how bad it is to be the one being suicidal. I feel so sorry and yet, with my mom's b-day coming up, the idea keeps getting entertained in my head once more as a way to deal with the seemingly never-ending pain. What a hypocrite I would be, to see the friend's friend in the ER because I'm there for the same thing...

another reason to stop

I guess it's kinda obvious but this is another realization to add to the one where I realized every moment is a gift from God so you shouldn't try to avoid reality. Another reason to stay sober is because it affects everyone who interacts with you. They can't really reach or communicate to the real you and miss you. Well it's the same with God and you. When you pray while inebriated and have a hard time finding sober time with God, He also is hurt and misses you and just wants you to be you and take responsibility by co-labouring in His perfect plan for you instead of always sitting out.

a frustrating question answered

Sometimes when I'm high I actually get revelations, nuggets of wisdom for my current situations. This was one of those times. I was talking about my issues with my bf when I thought about how my intense emotions affect me, especially my mind and brain. And I immediately answered the question: why have I always had bad long-term memory and why do I remember and focus more on my negative memories than positive ones? This has frustrated me to no end all my life. Even when I was little, I felt like a goldfish. Always forgetting things, being disorganized, not keeping track of things. My elementary teachers thought I wasn't very smart and couldn't go to an enriched high school program. But I actually learned to use my good short-term memory to squeeze info last-minute and get good grades by the skin of my teeth. I have a bachelor's with distinction. But anyways, wow, I just realized, I must have been suffering psychological impairment from trauma with my mom abusing me and then getting cancer when I was 9. That's why I couldn't stay on top of things in school, why I couldn't speak up and ask questions, why I'd fall behind in my homework and couldn't focus for long. But my short-term memory saved my ass enough for me to pass ok.
Anyways, I became known to be somewhat ditzy by the time I got to high school, mostly forgetful. More recently, since my 3 year decent into hell, I noticed my mind just seems to stick to negative events more than positive ones. I figure this could be a symptom of clinical depression but I realized it can also be because they carry such intensity as emotionally traumatic events, that they burn into my memory more. It's the aspect of BPD that is similar to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I just remember details of traumatic events more than neutral or positive ones. So I guess the challenge is to fight the compulsion to focus on the source of pain and focus on the Ultimate Source of love.

a glimpse of freedom

Maybe it's because I'm high and tipsy, but this picture came alive to me. I could really picture myself there, feeling the sun's rays, breathing in the fresh mountain air, enjoying the intense blue of the lake... and I figure being totally sober and free from everything, free in Christ, must feel similar. The invigorating feeling of God's love giving me life from inside like a breath of fresh air. Experiencing everything and feeling more alive than ever and standing amongst the conquered mountains in your life. I pray I will truly experience these things and trust that it will happen according to Your holy will.

bad church drama

Here's what's been going on on the spiritual side. In December the 17 year old girl who had been calling me every day and praying for me stopped doing so even though she said she would keep it up and got mad at herself every time she forgot previously. So I was hurt, felt abandoned and betrayed but tried to ignore it though it triggered my BPD abandonment issues. She and a 16 year old girl are both youth leaders at my church and were asked by the pastor to pray for me after Friday service and the 17 year old said she also took drugs, got sober with Christ and would help me more by calling every day and praying for me. I did find it strange that the pastor seemed to be putting me in the hands of teenagers but I decided to trust them, especially the 17 year old since she had similar experiences and was artistic too. But last month, I couldn't take it any more and decided to do the right thing and calmly explain how I felt to her since she had stopped calling me. I said I felt hurt that she didn't call anymore. What was her response? She said she told me I could call her too, but I didn't and that was a test to see if I would take the initiative to help myself but I didn't. She said I'm not committed to changing and am not doing anything to help myself so that's why she doesn't want to call me anymore. What a fucking slap in the face. You talk about giving God's unconditional love for healing and turn around and backhandedly force expectations on me as a requirement for the 'free' help. When you offered to call you didn't say the requirement was to give up drugs which is what I assume you expected and are upset you didn't get. Just because you kicked the drugs in one shot doesn't mean any other Christian struggling with similar issues is simply lazy and unwilling to change. How dare you judge and belittle my mental health issues, as if I could be cured in an instant if I just wanted it hard enough so clearly I don't to you. You are rejecting me for my problem which is lack of commitment and fear of change because of my BPD. That's like when the crisis centre kicked me out for cutting myself and smoking up at home. Those were the precise problems that landed me in the hospital that eventually sent me there in the first place. That's what I needed help with and they kicked me out because of them when they're supposed to help me with them! And you've done the same to me now. When she said those words she made me feel so bad about myself. I literally felt like a black hole that just sucks everyone's time and energy around me and no results or change come out of me. I'm a useless vacuum that doesn't deserve to live. So you can see how my last few Fridays and weeks were very hard on me. My first instinct was to leave the church completely but my brother insisted that maybe the pastor and other 2 youth leaders didn't think the same way so he confronted them for me and they were confused by what he told them the 17 year old said to me. So I told my therapy group everything and they said I should talk to the pastor about it. I was so scared but I did it and boy am I glad I did. I was questioning my hope in spiritual healing and she gave me reason once more to hope. She apologized profusely for me getting hurt and explained the girls were just to pray for me, not counsel me, they must have gotten overzealous. She then said she expects nothing from me, only that I try reading certain promises in the Bible to help me trust in the Lord since she said it's obvious I don't. Then I can smoke or do whatever I want in the day, so I put that in my schedule. The pastor's apology helped but I'm still mad at the 17 year old. I can't believe how badly she betrayed and judged me and threw me off so badly I'm ashamed how badly I've been feeling over her words. I'm still recovering from feeling like a black hole. It sounds kinda funny to feel that way but it's really not funny for me. It leads me to suicidal thoughts and actions if it lasts too long. That friggin' girl, I'm not sharing anything with her again. I pray that God gives me the ability and will to forgive her clueless ass. Hopefully venting this out here will help me feel better...

a new schedule

Because of BPD my emotions are very intense so they often interfere in my life in the form of not being able to stick to anything regularly. I can't keep good habits very well and I've tried my entire life to stick to all sorts of schedules I concocted in my youth and not a single one ever lasted very long. Well here I am giving it yet another innumerable shot because otherwise I'm going to waste all my time either high or in romantic bliss with my lovable nutcase who is doing pretty well now on new medication, hallelujah! Anyways, this schedule is making me sketch, hopefully paint and play more music and sing. And lets my dad know about when I go to church and volunteer. So far so good. And my lovable nutcase bf is helping me to do it too, and stick to my idea of staying away from powder for a month even through the bad days I've had recently. The volunteering is the one really positive thing going on other than the bf. At first I was unfamiliar with what needed to be done and scared shitless so I didn't help out that much. But now I can since I've spent more time there and it's been very rewarding with my friend's boss now thanking me for the help and getting thanks or just seeing satisfaction from the cerebral palsy clients at the activity centre. I go in the morning and finish at 3:30pm and for the day I can see myself as a normal person going to work. I can picture what it might be like to have my life on track once more. I really owe this friend who works there alot since it was her idea for me to volunteer there. She's someone I might be able to call a close and trustworthy friend, hard as that is for me to do.