bad church drama

Here's what's been going on on the spiritual side. In December the 17 year old girl who had been calling me every day and praying for me stopped doing so even though she said she would keep it up and got mad at herself every time she forgot previously. So I was hurt, felt abandoned and betrayed but tried to ignore it though it triggered my BPD abandonment issues. She and a 16 year old girl are both youth leaders at my church and were asked by the pastor to pray for me after Friday service and the 17 year old said she also took drugs, got sober with Christ and would help me more by calling every day and praying for me. I did find it strange that the pastor seemed to be putting me in the hands of teenagers but I decided to trust them, especially the 17 year old since she had similar experiences and was artistic too. But last month, I couldn't take it any more and decided to do the right thing and calmly explain how I felt to her since she had stopped calling me. I said I felt hurt that she didn't call anymore. What was her response? She said she told me I could call her too, but I didn't and that was a test to see if I would take the initiative to help myself but I didn't. She said I'm not committed to changing and am not doing anything to help myself so that's why she doesn't want to call me anymore. What a fucking slap in the face. You talk about giving God's unconditional love for healing and turn around and backhandedly force expectations on me as a requirement for the 'free' help. When you offered to call you didn't say the requirement was to give up drugs which is what I assume you expected and are upset you didn't get. Just because you kicked the drugs in one shot doesn't mean any other Christian struggling with similar issues is simply lazy and unwilling to change. How dare you judge and belittle my mental health issues, as if I could be cured in an instant if I just wanted it hard enough so clearly I don't to you. You are rejecting me for my problem which is lack of commitment and fear of change because of my BPD. That's like when the crisis centre kicked me out for cutting myself and smoking up at home. Those were the precise problems that landed me in the hospital that eventually sent me there in the first place. That's what I needed help with and they kicked me out because of them when they're supposed to help me with them! And you've done the same to me now. When she said those words she made me feel so bad about myself. I literally felt like a black hole that just sucks everyone's time and energy around me and no results or change come out of me. I'm a useless vacuum that doesn't deserve to live. So you can see how my last few Fridays and weeks were very hard on me. My first instinct was to leave the church completely but my brother insisted that maybe the pastor and other 2 youth leaders didn't think the same way so he confronted them for me and they were confused by what he told them the 17 year old said to me. So I told my therapy group everything and they said I should talk to the pastor about it. I was so scared but I did it and boy am I glad I did. I was questioning my hope in spiritual healing and she gave me reason once more to hope. She apologized profusely for me getting hurt and explained the girls were just to pray for me, not counsel me, they must have gotten overzealous. She then said she expects nothing from me, only that I try reading certain promises in the Bible to help me trust in the Lord since she said it's obvious I don't. Then I can smoke or do whatever I want in the day, so I put that in my schedule. The pastor's apology helped but I'm still mad at the 17 year old. I can't believe how badly she betrayed and judged me and threw me off so badly I'm ashamed how badly I've been feeling over her words. I'm still recovering from feeling like a black hole. It sounds kinda funny to feel that way but it's really not funny for me. It leads me to suicidal thoughts and actions if it lasts too long. That friggin' girl, I'm not sharing anything with her again. I pray that God gives me the ability and will to forgive her clueless ass. Hopefully venting this out here will help me feel better...