so much Gift!

I was just thinking the other day, what was the most important thing I learned last year? It was from my first weekend out during rehab, it was Christmas last year and I had my first slip. I just couldn't resist the fact I still had enough to roll a tiny joint in my desk so I went out and smoked it and immediately God started talking to me and said, "Do you know why mind-altering drugs aren't good for you on a near-constant basis? Because every moment is a gift from Me." And this includes the hard times that I prefer to avoid with drugs because even those moments are good for you and shape your character. But it's been a hard lesson to learn and let sink in since I'm so used to just avoiding pain and life in general.

Today I finally sat down and had real one-on-one time with God which I haven't done in a while with the paradoxical craziness of the holidays. What finally gave me the push was the realization of the fact that I need His love to do anything positive and it was wonderful. It felt similar to being with my lovable nutcase in the sense that I was with Someone I really wanted to be with and He wanted to be with me too. I immediately felt warm and peaceful inside with a sensation of being re-energized inside. And I just got to enjoy His presence and chat with Him. He essentially told me to stop being about desires (especially desiring to do the right thing) and just receive His love. Giving love is about action but receiving it is only about staying still and opening up. And to be healthy (especially spiritually) you need to be able to do both. If you're bad at one of them, you're bad at the other as well. Even with the lovable nut I have a hard time accepting everything loving he says to me, like it's all too good to be true and I don't deserve it all. So no wonder I also have a hard time accepting God's even purer love. So basically God told me to continue working on my issues so that I can accept Him fully into my life. I tried to ask Him to do it for me but I see that it is my part of the co-labouring that I must bear or else He would be stepping on my freedoms if He did do it for me. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do or attempt but He has promised to be with me the whole way and always help.

back from kinda sober NB

Discounting the fact I drank a bit everyday, I survived a mostly clean 5 day family vacation. It was a huge fight in my head but I decided not to try to bring anything and really not smoke and see what it would be like and maybe I could continue it when I got back. Well, it went alright but some of it really felt like rehab and no, I couldn't continue it when I got back. Overall it was a relaxing and fun time with my relatives who have a similar sense of humour but the mornings were hard. First off, the nights would always bring using dreams where I'm trying to or am smoking or taking something. Then I would wake up craving whatever I was dreaming about and feel generally ill without it. I'd feel too much energy and anxiety and some nausea every morning. I also got body aches, some shakes and sluggishness. Psychologically I was anxious and depressed but as the day wore on it would get better since my mind would be distracted from myself. One thing it made me realize was how strongly my brain depends on the powder too now. Even when I got back and smoked, I still had using dreams about making lines until I really had some. Yikes. So now I'm trying to cut back on that and stick more to smoking only. Sigh, I can't believe how much this has become my thing or vice. Before, it used to be a bunch of things like cutting myself, shopping and buying stuff on ebay, always having boyfriends etc... but now it's all been conglomerated into just drugs. I don't cut anymore and I hardly went shopping for myself this year or last and I only just got a new boyfriend after being single for a while. I wonder if having a boyfriend whose condition means he can't smoke or use anything anymore will help me. Before, he was making things worse since he would smoke with me all the time but now he's on meds that don't mix well with any drugs so he only has cigarettes now and so far I am smoking a bit less than before.