tried and failed

Yes of course my use has been increasing slowly so I figured I should try to at least cut down a bit on the smoking up. I cut down a third of a joint for a week no problem. Cut down another third and still ok. But by the next week I started drinking and snorting more, resulting in a 5 day binge that has left my brain completely drained of any feel-good chemicals. I feel like shit. And I know it's not going to stop because I still can't stop using. Every puff is digging deeper into the feel-like-shit hole and every drink and line are just even bigger and deeper scoops. I can't help but feel that I am fucked. There's only so much abuse the brain and mind can take and I'm just getting more and more unstable. I really don't know what to do anymore. Going through therapy, ending up in hospital and going to rehab were still not enough before. I feel like I need so much more help than the health system can give me and what my friends and family can give me. So I'm left all alone in my head, fighting for my life everyday. But that's not true, I'm not truly alone, God is with me always, I asked for it so I know He is there. He has to be there though I don't often feel it, otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago. I'm still going to get assessed by the centre that runs the rehab and see what happens. Needless to say, in this state I can't do much like tabbing or playing music or anything productive really... including blogging. Next post might be another week or month.

warrior princess

God gave me a vision of what is truly my identity. Something very close to Zena but as a spiritual warrior princess! God is my Father through Christ so I am a princess as He is the King but He also equipped us with the Bible as a spiritual double-edged sword and armour and so on. If only this could replace the endless black hole I instead feel inside me.

They've turned against me

They were my absolute best friends. It was amazingly comforting to know that I could call on them any time, from almost anywhere and they would be right there for me. When I found life too harsh and unforgiving, I always could count on them to make me forget and laugh again. When I found it too hard to ask anyone for help or simple company, I knew I could easily find myself in their enjoyable and entertaining presence. Actually, we were more than friends. They gave me so much pleasure in increasingly dark days that I slowly started to spend all my time with them. And just when I found them to be more important to my life than the air I breathed, they turned against me. It was the worst betrayal done completely behind my back and while they blinded me to reality they took all my problems and multiplied them into insurmountable mountains. They've darkened my world to the point where I can only despair in hopelessness. And yet, I'm still so dependent on their company. I've learned to let them manage my life and I don't know how to live without them. But the more time I spend with them, the more I suffer their abuse on my psyche and body. I have to somehow have the strength to say good-bye and permanently. I have to love life enough to choose a harder but better way of life. I have to have faith that things will get better with help and without them. I have to love myself to treat myself better and love others.