ok so I'm stuck

My individual therapist agreed. I'm stuck in an air-tight cycle he says. Although I'm definitely better than just a few months ago, I'm in this cycle where I try to do things but can't keep it up because of perfectionist beliefs that run me into the ground so I have more free time to drink and drug which in turn makes it hard to think, causes loss of interest in other things and gives me hangovers so I have less time to do things I tried doing in the first place and on it goes. So today I pushed myself with reassurances that whatever I do is fine and finally got to play some classical guitar, praise music and sing. But I guess that's not enough in general. He says I've got to break the cycle by making public commitments ie. school or work and reduce the drugs. So I'm gonna call two people he referred me to who are supposed to help me figure out and connect to what I want to do in life. The drugs? Well all I can do is keep trying to control the amounts which has been semi-successful but definitely hard. But what's harder is total abstinence and I'm still exhausted from my last failed attempt.

feeling a little stuck

Part of my enemy is that I tend to overthink things. But I can't help but worry a bit and feel stuck. I have some goals but am too afraid to work on them so I occasionally blow my mind with chemicals but then they make it harder to do things too. Goals like getting into the Art Therapy master's program and improving my french. I have some creative projects too like working more in photoshop and illustrator, writing music, painting, tabbing more Christian metal, playing guitar and singing... but I'm not doing any of them much. And it's not like I'm too busy either. What the hell is wrong with me? Where's my passion and motivation? Am I just lazy? Is it my BPD interfering? Still partly depressed? Too little confidence? Too much self-inflicted pressure? My psychologist kept reminding me to try to have fun in work and learning. I do have fun when I do creative things but I guess it's my perfectionism and high expectations that eventually get in the way. Must try to let loose and have real constructive/creative fun, not just fake chemically-induced fun/crazy/destructive stupidity that sometimes becomes scary.

started DBT therapy

I forgot to mention how the DBT group therapy is going. It's been about 3 or 4 weeks and it's going well. I have an individual therapist who is overall gentle but still keeps me on task with goals and homework and then I have the group sessions with 7 other women led by a woman and a man. They go over concepts and use our real-life problems as examples. My general goal is to be less sensitive to everything so I don't overreact in my thoughts and actions. My homework consists of doing the workbook, making a list of things to do when I get emotionally overwhelmed by distracting and soothing myself and trying to do work on creative projects so I can reduce drinking and drugging. In group we talked about the ineffectiveness of our destructive coping skills. It was funny how similar we are in that respect when the lady asked us to list some of the things we do when we get painfully emotionally distressed: trying to kill ourselves, using drugs, cutting/burning/banging ourselves, lashing out at others, trying to control others, eat too much or too little etc... I doubt there can be another room with as much collective baggage as one used for therapy for BPD. This became especially evident when they talked about radical acceptance and asked us what pain we had from things we couldn't accept in our pasts. Most of the group had been raped, have dysfunctional families like having alcoholic parents or abusive family members and one woman even said her mom was murdered horribly and before that she was abusive to her. Mine is like a dialled down version of hers, my mom had cancer for 9 years then passed away and before that she was verbally abusive to me when I was little and always hated being a mom. That was a heavy session and hopefully there won't be more like that. There's just so much pain behind everything for all of us. Just writing this down almost makes me tear. A more positive similarity between us is that we're all artistic. I think it's because we all have a sensitive personality so some people are dancers, there's a writer, DJ, jewelry maker, videographer, photographers, model and there's me the painter/musician. I guess being sensitive is a double-edged sword. It allows you to be very creative but also makes you more vulnerable to traumatic events.

a good friend

Thanks Lord for the perfect timing my friend had tonight by calling me just after I cried and told my dad about the stuff in my last post. He tried his best to reason with me and help me feel better but it was my good friend who was more successful at it. She talked about her own problems and asked me about different options for mine and wondered why I felt so bad about myself since I did well in life, with good grades and many long-term boyfriends. She asked, "What will it take for you to think of yourself more highly? Lots of praise or something?" And I thought about it, even if I was a super art/music genius I don't think I would ever be satisfied with myself. And I was never good at accepting compliments, I would brush them off in my mind with "oh their standards are just low." So what's the answer? God's love of course. If I could just firmly and truly feel God's love for me all the time, then there's no reason to feel bad about myself since the Creator of the universe values me no matter what and that's all that really matters. I don't know how it feels to be unconditionally loved by other humans so I have no comparison or expectations of God which is bad. So all I can do is trust and have faith that He will show me more and more how He loves me.
Wow, and now a youth leader from church just called me and reminded me I have a unique divine destiny and shouldn't compare myself with others. Awesome timing Lord. I may still have a drink later though...

triggered by fb

The world is friggin scary. This is confirmed by a recent visit to my facebook homepage. All the news posts are a reflection of the never-ending chaotic activity of my friends and links to their friends. And that's not including the rest of the strangers in this world and already I feel it's all very threatening. There's people accomplishing things, getting jobs, links to youtube of people playing metal guitar waaay better than me, my cousin seems to have lost weight while I've gained, there's a gangster friend of a friend with threatening amounts of swagger in their comments and their mutual friend who indirectly referred to me as a crackwhore and laughed at a photo of me, there's my exes with new girlfriends and me getting worried if unflattering party photos of me will show up soon. Facebook is really quite stressful. I can't help but compare myself to other people there and I hate that. I just get so down on myself and then I can't understand why God do you want me to be in a cold world like this where everyone is competing for who looks the best and accomplishes and makes the most with the least help? Meanwhile we constantly judge and size each other up and it all stresses the hell out of me. What's the point of someone as fragile and fearful as me to live on this planet? Why did You put me here why?! It'll be a miracle if I survive and get anything done. What does the world need me for anyways? I'm just another nobody with tons of problems. So I've got a few talents, youtube will show you plenty who've got more. I'm nothing special so why do I want to be so much? Well, so that I can make it and show it off on facebook. I can't believe how sad and shallow I am.
This is helpless little old me without You oh Lord. Life is like a horrificly bad trip with no alternate reality to wake up to but I'm here. You put me here for a reason. There's no way I can ever let go of You, there's only misery from never-ending comparing and death without You. I don't want to chase elusive accomplishment goals just to feel better about myself because it will spiritually get me nowhere even if I succeed which is unlikely anyways. And obviously if I don't then I'll be depressed and miserable my whole life like my mom. Tell me why I'm here, what's the purpose and You know best so I will do my best to follow Your plan. Then I will be content, joyfully living out what I was designed to do no matter what it is.
I guess a first step is to stop focusing on how the world is scary and more on how loving and powerful You are. But it's like seeing a huge tsunami wave crashing closer in the distance and not being scared.

He delights in me

I go twice a week to church. There's the usual Sunday service but there's also the youth Friday evening service and after that is when the pastor and/or two youth leaders listen and pray for me. I think it's been helpful. But last week was something special. The worship music was moving as usual, and it may have been the fact that I was still feeling the shrooms I took earlier that day a bit but I really felt God's love. I felt it in the specific form of Him delighting in me and being proud of me. Especially of the last two years, the hardest years of my life ever. And I thought, are You really proud of me, really? All the overdosing, psych ward stays, becoming an addict, failing at going back to school and a normal life, overall going nuts and hurting myself... Life has been a nightmare and You're proud of me? And He said yes. I guess He's proud that I got through it all and did my best in terrible circumstances. When I ended up in a hospital bed nearly dying, each time I prayed and offered myself to Him and clung to His promise of salvation. I've suffered so much pain from being borderline and having depression but I never blasphemed against God's name or blamed Him for my suffering. I went through so much that I lost hope in life but I never lost hope in Jesus saving my soul and letting me into heaven eventually. I also became the family cook for a while in between there and managed it alright. But anyways, I'm not trying to become proud of my own doings alone, I'm just amazed God has enough mercy to actually be proud of me these past couple years and I hope not to forget it. Dear Jesus don't let me forget that you delight in me no matter what I do. Because you are in love with me. My mind has no concept of this really but please let it sink in and truly become reality in my eyes so that my faith is strengthened.

Via Dolorosa tab finished!

I finally finished my fourth Antestor tab as usual in guitarpro and pdf format! There are 2 tracks since there's 2 guitars playing but I put most of the parts in the 1st track just to keep it simple for reading and playing. I also tabbed the little keyboard part in the middle-ish just for fun. As usual Antestor transforms simple chord progressions and melodies into haunting emotions. I think I'll tab As I Die next since it was requested before and it's such a great song. And to keep reiterating, I will eventually tab the whole album. I'm getting there slowly but surely!

gp5 format:
http://uploading.com/files/6d472bb6/Via%2BDolorosa.gp5/

pdf format:
track 1:
http://uploading.com/files/21maef8a/Via%2BDolorosa_Antestor%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

track 2:
http://uploading.com/files/3dbf8cma/Via%2BDolorosa_Antestor_track2%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

Enjoy!

too much mush

Wow I have to be careful with my mushrooms. I had too many the other day and had the most intense trip ever. Never again! So intense I went into the spiritual dimension of existence. Anyways, it started slowly. Little visual distortions, everything moving like I was underwater. Textures became very interesting and pictures started moving. Then we watched an episode of Futurama and I felt like I was actually in the world of the show and everything was happening for real and I saw everything through Fry's mind so I was stupider too. Then I started to watch my favorite film Howl's Moving Castle and again I felt like I was really there in that magical world flying over rooftops with patterns spilling out of the TV. But then I couldn't concentrate on it anymore so I went to my room and enjoyed a flashing light stick and pictures of space but I couldn't concentrate for long on them either. It was because it got even more intense. I felt my rational mind shut down and my spiritual eyes open. I couldn't see normally anymore, instead I could feel the vast power of God holding existence together. I was in the spiritual dimension and I could feel spirits around me. At the same time the part of my brain that holds rational thinking and a sense of self just totally shut down so I ceased to exist as myself anymore. I was just pure awareness, I was no longer me, I was melted into all of existence. No words can completely describe how this felt. It was accompanied by a roller-coaster ride thrill feeling. It was all so overwhelming I started tearing. And then started panicking that I was losing my mind and needed to go to the hospital. I just kept praying to God, "I'm sorry I trespassed into Your domain! I won't do it again! Just let me come down soon!" Eventually I did start to come down and calm down but I was so high my head felt like it was scraping the ceiling and I don't want that again.

I told someone at church about it and he said that some Christians experience something similar through prayer and meditation but the difference is that they are being accompanied and protected by the Holy Spirit and I wasn't. At least accompanied anyways. I could feel I was being protected because that's a vulnerable state to be in to be attacked by the devil but I wasn't and I think that accounts for some of the bad trips people can have on hallucinogenics.

co-labouring with God

I realize more and more how important the concept of co-labouring with God is. It's what we've all been created for. It's the reason for living. If I only try my very best at everything it won't be enough. I will still fail, especially by God's perfect standard and most certainly my own expectations. But if I sit back and do nothing to let God do everything, what was the point of me being created and physically present in the first place? God wants a relationship with us that includes working together in this life. I'm wondering if He wants me to help Him help other people through art as an art therapist. But for now co-labouring means working to declare His Truth over my life, to take it as truth that He loves me and has plans to prosper me and deliver me from evil. That's my new approach for singing and playing praise music. It's declaring in musical form how wonderful, comforting and loving God is through Jesus Christ. One day I'll be completely free to help others. No more being mentally ill and self-destructive.

ouch

It's finally happened. The moment I was afraid of. The people I get the white stuff from are pissed that I only see them for the white stuff even though we consider each other friends and they notice I've been doing more. And I heard them whisper to each other as soon as I left the other day. What can I say? I do value the friendship but at the same time dope has become a big part of it too. I figure I'll just go there once a week and buy only every other time I'm there. I hope that will be enough to keep them happy. It could be because they really care about how I'm doing and are worried for me but I can't help but worry that they are just judging me too. As if I'm just using them for drugs. Even if they didn't give me access I would still go and see them but maybe not as often. And now I feel bad about being so self-centred. I wonder if they can understand what my mind goes through all the time. I guess I've always felt bad about it, partly using them for what I want but I still consider them friends. And we will always be bonded by the fact that another mutual buddy had passed away and we were his only close friends. We all miss him sometimes. I hope I can explain all this to them properly. I hate it when people are mad at me. Honestly can't stand it. Blech. Seriously the solution really is to do it less. But then I'm afraid I'll drink more instead and that is worse since I get so depressed. Nearly tried to kill myself last time but was too drunk to get to the pills. Oh God save me please.

amateur mycologist

Ok so I didn't really say it here but I've been growing 'special' mushrooms for about a month now and it's going really well. Lots of fruiting going on. Yes it is a bit crazy as a personal project but I just really wanted to try them and it was proving extremely difficult to find and thanks to the internet I realized it's possible to grow them yourself so I thought why not? So I've learned alot about mushrooms now and how they grow and such and it's actually pretty interesting. How does my faith factor in this ridiculous behaviour? Well I actually prayed about the project and asked God to bless it. I think He knows my stubborness and gives me the freedom to make sometimes not the best decisions and then I learn from them. Should this really get in the way of my relationship with Him I will eventually stop. Same with all my self-destructive BPD fuelled behaviours, with His help of course since I can't do it alone. That's why I started the new DBT group today. It was so stressful though. I just hope they help me change my distorted perceptions of people and situations and give me better coping skills. Does it make any sense that I try to be dedicated to Jesus but still screw up so much, consciously and unconsciously? Well I guess lots of Christians are like that and not just me. Oh great here I go again, trying to earn Jesus' approval when He already died for me knowing how flawed I am. Why is it so hard to stop judging myself and trying to be perfect? He knows and accepts I have BPD and sometimes act stupidly and selfishly. Stop feeling guilty!