ouch

It's finally happened. The moment I was afraid of. The people I get the white stuff from are pissed that I only see them for the white stuff even though we consider each other friends and they notice I've been doing more. And I heard them whisper to each other as soon as I left the other day. What can I say? I do value the friendship but at the same time dope has become a big part of it too. I figure I'll just go there once a week and buy only every other time I'm there. I hope that will be enough to keep them happy. It could be because they really care about how I'm doing and are worried for me but I can't help but worry that they are just judging me too. As if I'm just using them for drugs. Even if they didn't give me access I would still go and see them but maybe not as often. And now I feel bad about being so self-centred. I wonder if they can understand what my mind goes through all the time. I guess I've always felt bad about it, partly using them for what I want but I still consider them friends. And we will always be bonded by the fact that another mutual buddy had passed away and we were his only close friends. We all miss him sometimes. I hope I can explain all this to them properly. I hate it when people are mad at me. Honestly can't stand it. Blech. Seriously the solution really is to do it less. But then I'm afraid I'll drink more instead and that is worse since I get so depressed. Nearly tried to kill myself last time but was too drunk to get to the pills. Oh God save me please.