chugging along

These days my life has really calmed down. Well, I still get ups and downs but they're not nearly as bad as before. I hang out with clean friends including new ones from rehab, go to the occasional 12-step meeting (I found a Marijuana Anonymous meeting!) and spend alot of my time cooking for my family since the lady who usually does it is down with some sort of infection. And Frank visits alot too! She went nuts the other day because I was preparing a huge fish to cook and a fish based soup. She was licking the fish while I was trying to descale it and was sitting between me and the fish with her butt and tail in my face. Cute but annoying. I also saw Barney's Version and found it moving and sad. Perhaps too sad for me to watch again but there were lots of hilarious moments too and recommend it to anyone. Especially with all those scenes of our beautiful Montreal! A side note: I'm pretty sure his first wife had an extreme case of BPD. All of the outrageous behaviour, promiscuity, creative and attractive, and deep lonely suffering underneath it all which makes it impossible to be alone and leads to suicide attempts and general crazy-lookingness. I liked Barney's reaction to her totally clueless and demeaning dad. He thought he was doing the best he could in dealing with such an unstable daughter and expected her to be grateful but he never stopped to try to understand or just listen instead of 'fixing' her, judging by the way he talked about her. So Barney kicks him out. Oops, long side note.
Anyways, this is my 3rd week out of rehab and I'm doing alright. I still have urges and cravings sometimes though. But I just have to remember I don't want to stumble through this life God gave me in a hazy stupor, clueless to my self-inflicted misery and guilt. People think sometimes, oh addicts just want to party and have a good time too much. It may start out that way but the substances just take over everything and it very quickly becomes the opposite of fun. It's a form of slavery. I truly felt I could not get through the day without killing myself if I did not have my drugs. But at the same time they don't take away the problems and stress but add to them so it becomes a vicious cycle. They were as essential as breathing but they almost took over that too. My asthma got so bad from the constant smoking that I used up my inhaler in 2 months when it usually lasts me at least a year or 2. When I unexpectedly ran out I freaked because I had to choose between breathing and drugging. I still couldn't stop.

i'm back!

To reply to my previous post I really got better in rehab but also realized I'm perhaps a little crazier than I thought. But overall, it was an amazing experience in there. First thing I learned, being sober isn't just for chumps. It's not all that bad. I CAN survive without weed and the rest. And I say I'm a little crazier than I thought because I get visual distortions when I get really upset or anxious. I couldn't notice this before because I was always getting visual distortions and hallucinations because of all the continuous joints. Second big thing, is that drugs do not solve your problems or anxiety/mood issues. They just let you ignore them better. I know this especially because my bro told me on my first weekend back that I seemed much less stressed than before rehab. This surprised me because I was having a pretty stressful weekend without the option of turning to drugs. And then I realized it was because I was too stoned to notice it before. Anyhow, I'm off to an NA meeting tonight near my house. Here's hoping it's a good group.