comparing illnesses

This is something people generally shouldn't do. Can you really say that cancer is worse than diabetes but not as bad as schizophrenia or whatever? Every illness has its downside and not-so-bad side and anyone with any illness suffers. Can you compare someone's suffering to anyone else's? Just because it looks one way from the outside doesn't mean it really is that way. Different people suffer in different ways, some are more sensitive than others too. And yet, for mental health professionals they can not follow this wisdom. Why? Because the system can only help so many people so they constantly have to judge and compare, who needs help more than others? Who needs the most treatment? Who is most in danger from their mental illness? I know it must be done, but at the same time I hate it. I can feel my mental health professionals comparing me all the time to others who are more 'severe', and that usually means someone with schizophrenia. If you say you are hearing voices and seeing things that aren't there, you get service immediately. But if you have a more muddled diagnosis, or still have a grip on reality they tell you to just bear with it. It's not fair. We shouldn't be judged by what diagnosis we have but by how much we are suffering. Someone with severe anxiety has as little functioning as someone with schizophrenia. They can't step out of the house. That means they need help just as much. But I guess it also depends on which hospital you go to around here. And that's also not fair. There's no one to tell you which hospital is better to go to so it's pretty much random how much service you will get, no matter how bad you're feeling. I feel gypped. The hospital near my old house is shit. I was certainly not the worst off mental health wise but I was still very severe. And yet, my psychologist would say things like, well at least you don't have schizophrenia. Uh hello, I'm suffering like crazy! I need more help and that's all you can say?! I'd rather have schizophrenia if that would make you take me more seriously. I mean, how much worse can you be when you try to kill yourself every 3 months, do self-harm very often and are constantly at risk of overdosing because of being addicted to so many drugs? I was in the ER at least 10 times in 4 years. And all I got offered was a psychologist once a week and a psychiatrist once every 2 months or so. Fuck the system and fuck the hospital I go to. I already felt like an outsider all my life, now I'm even an outsider in the mental health system.

less using dreams!

Yay there's been less using dreams these days! In fact, none for the past couple days. Feels good to wake up and not think about how I used whatever drugs in the night in my head. I always wonder, what contributes to me having or not having such dreams? Am I less stressed out or something? Is it just random? In fact, I dreamt last night that I was talking to someone about the importance of nurturing a spiritual life to stay sober. So, maybe the trick is to keep in mind more the effort and importance of living a sober life? Maybe I should make sure I thank God for feeling well every night before bed which is what I did last night so it gives the devil less room to tempt me in my dreams. I also had a relaxing day yesterday so I'm sure that helped. I just took a nap, did some dishes, helped my roommate with supper which was delicious and watched Adventure Time. Ha, maybe the trick is to watch silly cartoons before bed...

settling in

I never thought I would take such a huge change so well! I'm sure being sober has a big role in that. I wake up feeling normal most days and I thank God everyday for that. Especially in a new apartment next to a busy street. It's so much better than what I got used to while in utter hell. I woke up craving drugs and feeling depressed and so suicidal for years and years. And you can read all about that here in older posts. I don't look at them myself, it's like a horrible nightmare and I just don't want to think about it anymore. Sometimes it comes up though, and I remember the worst moments in the psych ward, being strapped down to a bed, completely out of my mind and freaking out with nurses injecting me with whatever so I would calm down. Sometimes I can't believe it happened, and more than once. My reality now is as different from that as night and day. I still struggle sometimes but nothing so bad that I have to go to the hospital. I'm hoping this past February will be the last time I go there but you never know I guess. This morning I feel pretty good but a bit shaken. I had several vivid using dreams. In one, a friend gave me heroin in putty form and you rub it into your skin (which is totally silly) and I could actually feel the effect. It was calming and very pleasurable. I kept asking for more. In another, I was in an amusement park ride and a friend was in there with me and offered me cocaine. I was like hell yeah but when I looked in the bag, it was mixed with tiny jewels. I was like, I don't want jewels up my nose! So, I took the powder at the bottom of the bag and snorted that. I could feel the rush but it wasn't as strong as it would be in real life because it was cut too much. I've been dreaming alot of cocaine lately and it's starting to seep into waking life in the form of some cravings. But all I have to do is remember those bad times brought on by cocaine use and the cravings usually go away. Also, maybe it means I have to pray more to God, I could always use more of that. And remember what my psychologist said, that people who use cocaine are afraid of something, that's why they use. Am I afraid of something? Maybe afraid of school starting, afraid that this new happiness will not last, afraid that I won't budget my money properly...

a different point of view of koreans

Having Korean blood and family seemed to almost be a curse to me for most of my life. I got forced into Korean church in my childhood, and Korean language school, and was treated as an outsider freak because I couldn't speak Korean nor did I act like a typical Korean girl. Every time I visited Korea I would love the shopping and the food and the karaoke but I hated everything else. I hated the way people judge each other all the time, how everyone's so shallow, how I'm considered fat and ugly there because I haven't had plastic surgery... To me, the typical Korean is very conformist, perfectionist, snobby and compares themselves to everyone else all the time. They're constantly sizing you up to see if they're better than you or not. Of course, I know these are only the negative things about Korean society these days, people can be generous and have tighter knit groups of people than here. There's more of a sense of community. But that still didn't make up for all the bad stuff I saw. Then I realized today that instead of hating on them, I should be more sympathetic. Why? Picture yourself being the typical Korean I described. You would be incredibly depressed and self-loathing. There will always be someone better than you and you are depending on people outside you to determine your self-worth. It's like being an athlete who won silver, you may be high-performing, but there's always someone better than you and it's upsetting. Look at Olympic podium pictures, you'll see that the silver winner is often unhappy, the bronze one is just happy to be there and obviously the gold winner is happy too. But what if life to you was a constant competition? You could never always win gold so you can never be content. What a horrible life to live, and I'm sure I'm right because South Korea's suicide rate is second in the world, even higher than Japan's. So I was in a bit of a shock after this realization. I think it happened in part because of the incident with my aunt. She is the most typical Korean I have yet met, and I found out she secretly takes psychiatric tranquilizers. Clearly, she's not a happy person. 

I'm so used to hating on Koreans and now I realize they are the most in need of God's love and psychological help which happens to be the way I want to make the world a better place. Weird. It's like finding out my enemy is in fact a victim who needs my help in the future when I'm ready. Am I supposed to work as a psychologist in Korea perhaps? Wow that would be sooo hard...

officially moved out for the first time!

My computer's set up,we got internet and we're almost unpacked and generally set up. Woo! It's my first apartment and its with my fiance and a good friend. It's definitely been stressful, running around endlessly shopping for things we need and getting used to the higher noise level. We live on a pretty busy street close to downtown but not actually downtown which is nice because it would feel even more hectic than it already feels around here. But overall, I'm happy about it and it's working out well so far. I think we're all pretty happy about it and that's good. I thought I might have more trouble getting used to it but I feel ok. As we speak, my dad's new wife is moving into my old house and my brother is taking my old room. I can't believe how much change has and is happening. And I'm taking it well! It makes me glad I'm clean. If I wasn't, I know I would be overwhelmed and my roommates would not be happy knowing I would have all kinds of drugs stashed in my room. No longer having destructive habits makes for good co-living. I've had a few depressive moments but nothing I can't handle. Well, I guess I'll be busy getting the apartment fully ready. Still have to clean the floors, I wear shoes everywhere which is getting annoying. Still have cleaning to do in general, take care of paperwork and such.