settling in

I never thought I would take such a huge change so well! I'm sure being sober has a big role in that. I wake up feeling normal most days and I thank God everyday for that. Especially in a new apartment next to a busy street. It's so much better than what I got used to while in utter hell. I woke up craving drugs and feeling depressed and so suicidal for years and years. And you can read all about that here in older posts. I don't look at them myself, it's like a horrible nightmare and I just don't want to think about it anymore. Sometimes it comes up though, and I remember the worst moments in the psych ward, being strapped down to a bed, completely out of my mind and freaking out with nurses injecting me with whatever so I would calm down. Sometimes I can't believe it happened, and more than once. My reality now is as different from that as night and day. I still struggle sometimes but nothing so bad that I have to go to the hospital. I'm hoping this past February will be the last time I go there but you never know I guess. This morning I feel pretty good but a bit shaken. I had several vivid using dreams. In one, a friend gave me heroin in putty form and you rub it into your skin (which is totally silly) and I could actually feel the effect. It was calming and very pleasurable. I kept asking for more. In another, I was in an amusement park ride and a friend was in there with me and offered me cocaine. I was like hell yeah but when I looked in the bag, it was mixed with tiny jewels. I was like, I don't want jewels up my nose! So, I took the powder at the bottom of the bag and snorted that. I could feel the rush but it wasn't as strong as it would be in real life because it was cut too much. I've been dreaming alot of cocaine lately and it's starting to seep into waking life in the form of some cravings. But all I have to do is remember those bad times brought on by cocaine use and the cravings usually go away. Also, maybe it means I have to pray more to God, I could always use more of that. And remember what my psychologist said, that people who use cocaine are afraid of something, that's why they use. Am I afraid of something? Maybe afraid of school starting, afraid that this new happiness will not last, afraid that I won't budget my money properly...