off to Korea and Japan!

I feel stressed from the significant days that have passed but also excited about this trip with good friends. It's a weird mix. Which resulted in horrible dreams last night, feeling really emotionally unwell and feeling like I had to go to the hospital and wanting to use drugs in my dream. Ugh. Today's our last day to get ready eek. Of course I also dreamt that I was packing and then forgot stuff. I really hope that doesn't actually happen. Well anyway, the purpose of this trip is for my fiance to meet my grandpa. It really sucks that it's too late to see my grandma. I think it's starting to hit me now that I will never see her again. It's quite a shock. But hopefully we will have some good times. See you again in June!

oh mother's day

every year you come to torment me. everybody on facebook and even at church must go on about how great their moms are. well, i have someone to at least buy a present for, my future mother-in-law. it was great to see how much she liked it. but it isn't enough. i'm still upset and the day is already in the past. it was yesterday. so wtf? honestly, no words describe how i feel. it's a horrible mix of frustration, anger, grief, loss etc. arg, i hate you mother's day.

Semester's over!

Wow, I didn't think I'd make it at one point. But here I am and I just finished my last final yesterday! And I finished it in one and a half hours when it's a three hour exam! I feel pretty confident that I got a good mark. And I got an A in the other course. Amazing considering I missed so much school while in the hospital. But now it's like, what do I do with myself? I have no studying to do! Well actually, I need to get ready and plan for a trip to Korea and Japan which is coming up really soon. I can't wait to experience Asia with good friends without relatives that worry if I'll get lost or not. I don't need to be babied. I just get lost easily but that's not a big deal.

May 4th

It's a wonderful coincidence that the day my mother died is also Star Wars day. I love Star Wars. But alas, it doesn't help much with the grief. It also didn't help that my SO was away for his sister's wedding and it was the day before my last final. I became overcome with grief and cried a lot. Till I got sick of it. Thankfully I did study a lot before that. I just miss her so much. Which is normal. But then there's the slightly abnormal stuff: I feel like I lost the one perfect person in my life who I want to be an exact replica of. I guess the part of me that got brainwashed by my mom when I was little is still there somewhere, still making my mom into some god-like person who always pointed out my faults and how much better she was than me. So I always hated myself and wished I could be just like her, witty, on-the-ball, fast, sociable, classy-looking etc... Everything I was not. So, some part of me misses that too, someone to tell me what to do and how to be. I feel like I lost an essential part of myself when she died.

And now it's been 10 years and I can't believe it. It's been so long but the pain is still fresh. I ran into a girl with a large tattoo that said "time heals nothing" at a St. Patrick's parade once and I told her I agree. Still agree. I don't know if that's because, as my doctor put it, I have pathological grief or what. At least I don't hate her anymore for what she did to me when I was little. I know she was unwell herself. I just wish so much that she could be here with me, watch me grow up into an adult, see my new place, meet my fiance, give her opinion on my life choices, come to my eventual wedding, be proud that I am no longer an active addict, laugh and cry with me. But instead here I am crying by myself.

It was hard doing my final this morning. I had puffy eyes which I think scared my professor when she came to check in on me. She was like "do you have any questions?" and already started stepping away when I looked up and she saw my face. But I think I did well anyway. Although I am in pain, I can take comfort that my mom is with the Lord now, Jesus personally came to me and told me so in that dream I wrote about a while ago. I truly appreciate that Lord.