May 4th

It's a wonderful coincidence that the day my mother died is also Star Wars day. I love Star Wars. But alas, it doesn't help much with the grief. It also didn't help that my SO was away for his sister's wedding and it was the day before my last final. I became overcome with grief and cried a lot. Till I got sick of it. Thankfully I did study a lot before that. I just miss her so much. Which is normal. But then there's the slightly abnormal stuff: I feel like I lost the one perfect person in my life who I want to be an exact replica of. I guess the part of me that got brainwashed by my mom when I was little is still there somewhere, still making my mom into some god-like person who always pointed out my faults and how much better she was than me. So I always hated myself and wished I could be just like her, witty, on-the-ball, fast, sociable, classy-looking etc... Everything I was not. So, some part of me misses that too, someone to tell me what to do and how to be. I feel like I lost an essential part of myself when she died.

And now it's been 10 years and I can't believe it. It's been so long but the pain is still fresh. I ran into a girl with a large tattoo that said "time heals nothing" at a St. Patrick's parade once and I told her I agree. Still agree. I don't know if that's because, as my doctor put it, I have pathological grief or what. At least I don't hate her anymore for what she did to me when I was little. I know she was unwell herself. I just wish so much that she could be here with me, watch me grow up into an adult, see my new place, meet my fiance, give her opinion on my life choices, come to my eventual wedding, be proud that I am no longer an active addict, laugh and cry with me. But instead here I am crying by myself.

It was hard doing my final this morning. I had puffy eyes which I think scared my professor when she came to check in on me. She was like "do you have any questions?" and already started stepping away when I looked up and she saw my face. But I think I did well anyway. Although I am in pain, I can take comfort that my mom is with the Lord now, Jesus personally came to me and told me so in that dream I wrote about a while ago. I truly appreciate that Lord.